Just Breathe

by Heather Allen

  Well, this is different and definitely not what I expected. Gabbi was right. Jack does have a record and he was kicked out of his last school. Does this change how I feel about him… no. But boy does it add to my long list of questions for him.

  I hear the door downstairs open and close so I hop up. It’s five o’clock on the dot, my mom must be home. I wash my face and head down to the kitchen.

  As I enter the space I greet her, “Hey, How was your day?”

  She looks tired.

  She tells me, “Great but long. I’m looking forward to relaxing.”

  My mom is a member of the city council. She works so hard. Everyone says I get my auburn locks from her and my green eyes from my dad. James is the opposite, brown eyes from my mom and light hair from my dad. My swimming and James’ music comes from neither, go figure.

  I ask, “When will dad be home?”

  I would rather talk to both of them at the same time.

  “Oh, I guess around six as long as there are no last minute surgery reschedules.”

  I do have to say, we see my dad a whole lot more now than we did in Chicago. I guess I get their reasoning about family time and quality of life stuff. She moves quickly around the kitchen making dinner.

  “Okay I just wanted to talk to you both tonight about something.” This gets her attention and she stops to look at me.

  “Ever, is everything alright?”

  “Yeah mom fine, I just wanted to talk to both of you together, Trust me it’s no big deal.”

  She focuses on making dinner. I start picking at some of the vegetables she is cutting and she taps my hand away smiling. Gabbi is right, I do have great parents. They were always fair while I was growing up. I think I get my calm demeanor from both of them. Gabbi’s parents have had some big blow ups which is evidence that they are a little more uptight than mine.

  My mom asks, “So how’s it going with the college applications?”

  Ugh, this is another thorn in my side these days. Michael and I had plans for college next year. I was going to apply to the colleges scouting him for football. Then we would be ready go together. Yet another unknown in my life right now.

  I drag my feet, “Well mom… I haven’t really given much thought in light of recent events.”

  She relents, “I know it’s not a good subject now Ever, but you have to start the process.”

  I just nod and turn to walk out of the kitchen, not wanting to continue the conversation.

  Then, I remember…”I talked to Gam-aw today. She called me at 4 o’clock, her time this morning, she must never sleep.”

  My mom chuckles, “She is getting up there, I guess your sleep patterns change when you get older.”

  I agree, “Yeah she wanted to talk about my birthday, but truthfully mom; I really don’t care what we do.”

  She smiles and says almost as if to herself, “Well, this is a pretty big one, we should celebrate accordingly.”

  I mumble, “Alright you and Gam-aw plan and I’ll just show up.”

  At this point, it seems as if I’ve lost her attention, she just nods and keeps going about making dinner.

  I turn and walk out of the kitchen. Guess I’ll approach the Jack subject at dinner. Which will leave our James talk for after dinner. Hopefully, he won’t be around or we won’t be having a James talk. I head back up to my room and check my email again. There’s a message from an address I’ve never seen before and I’m about to delete it when I see the subject: Jack Tanner….

  I click on it and staring back at me is a pasted copy of the article about Jack and his Los Angeles misfortune. Ha, whoever you are, I already know. Then my mind starts to wonder who would send this to me. Maybe Michael is jealous and trying to give me helpful information in my love life decisions. But in the end it doesn’t really matter, I still have every intention of discussing the subject with Jack.

  Dinner smells start to waft up to my room and I am lured back downstairs. I help set the table and sit down as dinner is done.

  I look around and ask my mom, “Where’s James?”

  She replies absentmindedly, “He told me he has band practice at six so he will eat when he gets home.”

  I notice this is happening more and more, they would have put their foot down if it was me at his age. Maybe I should take back my previous musing, involving my parents and the concept of being fair, dumb double standard.

  During dinner I approach the Jack subject.

  “Mom, Dad … um…I kind of met a new guy.”

  They both look up at each other and grin. I knew this would be their reaction. My mom won’t stop asking if I’ve met anyone new lately. This isn’t the hurdle, the beach is.

  So, I proceed with caution, “His name is Jack and he is from Los Angeles.

  I add quickly, “He is also a swimmer but not competitively.”

  My dad speaks up, “Go on.”

  “Well, he has asked me to go to the beach with him on Saturday.”

  Before they can decline I quickly continue, “I told him he had to come over for Friday night dinner to meet you before I can go with him.”

  Deep breath, fingers crossed.

  My mom speaks up first, “I love it that you invited him to dinner, what would you like me to make?”

  This is going well. I shrug, “Mom everything you make is great, I’m sure Jack will like whatever you choose.”

  My dad sighs, “You do know how far the beach is, don’t you, Ever?”

  I glance at him and slowly nod.

  He replies, “It’s over two hundred miles.”

  I look from one to the other. “We will leave really early then…” I add for good measure, “I’ve never been there.”

  I feel like I’m back in fifth grade begging to spend the night at Gabbi’s for the first time. My mom looks at my dad as if he gets to make the final decision, that unspoken language of being together forever.

  “I will say yes for now, but only as long as we get to meet this Jack on Friday.”

  I can’t help myself; I bound out of my chair and give them both a hug.

  I am about to run up the stairs when my mom asks, “Is that what you needed to talk to us about?”

  I almost slap myself in the head, so selfish.

  I turn and stand at the end of the table, “No, actually I wanted to talk to you about James.”

  They both look at me as if I know something about my brother that they don’t.

  I assure them, “He is just acting strange and I was concerned. I know he’s going through the whole boy, teenager thing but I just wanted to let you know.”

  They both brush me off like it’s just hormones or testosterone; whatever he’s going through is due to his age. I guess they have it under control. I bound up the steps to tell Gabbi, I am finally going to the beach. I feel so free suddenly.

  10

  The Beach

  Friday rolls around and Jack knocks right on time, six o’clock on the dot. I am hoping my dad doesn’t get held up because that might postpone my beach trip if he doesn’t meet Jack. I lead him into the kitchen to meet my mom. She stops cooking and gives him a hug. We’re a really touchy, feely family. His eyes are as blue as the sky today and he grins at my mom. Suddenly another question comes to me, does he do that heat thing to everyone he smiles at and touches. Not sure I like that prospect, if that’s the case. I like to think that is special only to me. He smiles and charms my mom like I knew he would.

  James is home for a change sitting in the living room watching T.V. We go in and I make introductions. James looks up and glares a little but doesn’t say anything. I’m not sure what to make of that, maybe just overprotective, of his older sister. Not sure. He liked Michael and I see them hanging out at school sometimes, which does not make me too thrilled.

  We walk out to the front porch to sit on the bench swing. The fans are on full power and there is a tiny breeze blowing through. Jack rests his arm on the back of the swing so I lean into him. We sit and swing
for a while. I apologize for my brother’s rude behavior but he shrugs it off.

  I'm too curious about this electricity thing that I can't keep myself from asking, "Hey, I was wondering, I know it sounds kind of corny but every time you touch me, I get a surge of electricity where you touched me." Now that I have said it aloud, I realize how crazy I actually sound.

  He has a goofy grin on his face, "Really, well that's interesting, the same thing happens when you smile at me or,” he grabs my hand, “touch me.”

  I frown, "Why?"

  He shrugs his shoulders, "I'm not sure, but I know I like it."

  I am shell shocked. News to Ever, you create electricity. I must look appalled because his eyes start to cloud over.

  I look into them and assure him, “No don’t worry, I love it!”

  I smile hoping he is feeling the same warmth I am. He grins with clear eyes. I’m about to ask him if this has ever happened before to him, when I hear my dad pull into the drive.

  Jack and I stand as my dad climbs the porch steps. I make introductions and they shake hands. I’m still smiling thinking about our conversation. Getting less and less freaked out, this is good.

  We all walk in as my mom is putting dinner on the table. I notice she went for the down home staple, pot roast. Hope he likes it. We all sit down and dig in. The conversation is flowing freely and everyone is getting along great except James. He joins in the conversation with my mom and dad but seems to avoid Jack at all costs. Great, I hope my parents don’t notice. If he ruins my beach trip I will be furious.

  Dinner ends and Jack and I go back out to the porch swing.

  He looks conflicted so I say, “That went well, are we still on for the beach tomorrow?”

  He looks up at me and says, “Absolutely, looking forward to it but I think we should skip the movies tonight.”

  He stands up abruptly and tells me, “I should go, especially if we are leaving at six in the morning.”

  I stand up confused and follow him down to his car. He turns around and I notice his eyes are green again.

  I grab his hand and ask, “What’s wrong Jack? I know my family is odd but…did you have fun?”

  He looks up from staring at the ground and our eyes meet. “Of course I had fun, your family is great and your mom’s pot roast, impeccable. I just have some things on my mind. Don’t worry.”

  I look into those eyes and I can see the blue move in like a wave is pushing the green out. He gently cradles my cheeks in his hands and leans down letting his lips graze mine in a gentle kiss. Electricity spreads through every part of my body. It lasts only a split second but oh I could go for more…

  He smiles and gets into his car, “I’ll see you at six sharp.”

  Then he drives away.

  I reach up and touch my lips. I can still feel the electricity where it was strongest on my lips. He said I do the same to him. I wonder if his lips are tingling right now. I think I am falling hard. I sure hope it isn’t a mistake.

  ***

  Running, running through trees this time, I don’t see a lake, just the impending cliff ahead. Jack looks over at me, grabs my hand and we jump into the abyss. Then I feel the cool water and the taste, salty. I burst through the water for air.

  I sit straight up in bed gasping.

  This is becoming a bad routine. Ugh, I climb the stairs back down to the kitchen and find James sitting there. He looks horrible. He looks up as if he’s expecting me. I didn’t get a chance earlier to ask why he was so rude to Jack but the middle of the night isn’t a good time. I get a glass of water and decide to stand. James realizes I’m not going to sit down so he stands and moves closer as I drink my water.

  He tells me in a scratchy voice, “You should stay away from Jack, he’s bad news.”

  I put my glass down a little too hard, and water bounces back out covering the counter.

  I glare and hiss, “And why is that? Why were you so rude to him tonight?”

  He just shakes his head. “He has a police record and he’s not a good person for you, Ever.”

  Realization…”Did you send me the news article about him?”

  Recognition in his eyes, of course my little brother was looking out for me.

  I soften a little, “Don’t worry, James, he’s a good guy.”

  He shakes his head again and walks out saying under his breath, “Don’t say I didn’t warn you.”

  I finish my water and walk back to my room. James’ door is closed so I guess the conversation is too. I wonder where this is coming from. James has never been so interested in my love life. I drift off to a dreamless sleep, finally.

  ***

  My five o”clock alarm rings and I trudge to the bathroom. The shower refreshes me and I feel energized for the day. A whole day with just me and Jack, he won’t have anywhere to run. I’ll get all of my questions answered today. My heart speeds up at the thought of him and that kiss last night.

  I pack a picnic lunch of cheese, crackers, lunchmeats and fruit in a cooler and grab some towels. I decide on a yellow two piece bikini instead of my drab one piece, training suits. Six rolls around and so does the knock on the door. I greet him and he brushes my hair out of my eye, tingly shock. I smile and do the same. I can tell he got the same shock as me. Oh, I can really get used to this.

  We climb into the Porsche and I glance back to the house. My eyes meet James’ looking out his bedroom window, I see him shake his head and he’s gone. I feel a shiver down my back, that’s not good. I wonder, but then remind myself, my little brother hasn’t had a real relationship with a girl yet. He doesn’t know or understand. I refuse to let him ruin my day, so I put it out of my mind.

  Jack grabs my hand and we enjoy the silence as we drive. I know it’s a long drive and I really have a captive audience but I want to hold off on the questions until he can concentrate on the answers and not driving. After about an hour, we stop to put the top down on the car. The day is going to be beautiful.

  ***

  The air changes as we get closer to the beach. It feels so invigorating. I see Jack glancing at me out of the corner of his eye. I turn to face him and he has this look on his face, like he’s about to ask a question but he doesn’t say anything. I glance around as the scenery changes. California is beautiful as the land transforms before my eyes. The barren brown sand slowly turns into lush landscapes of green with tall, immense trees. I can see the shape of the mountains in the distance. Finally I can tell we are really close to the beach. I can just smell it. There is a little flutter in my stomach, which I am attributing to the anticipation of another kiss. Smile.

  Jack looks over at me expectantly, as the ocean comes into view. I hold my breath when I see it. The horizon is breathtaking. I look at him and I can see the smile in his whole face. His eyes are the bluest I have ever seen them. Now that I’ve seen it, I can’t wait to get my feet in the sand and touch the cool water. The car slowly climbs down the steep road into the lot where we find a parking space. I look at Jack pleadingly and he just nods like he knows what I want. I take off toward the water, like my brain isn’t controlling me. I can’t help it; I need to be in that water. I can’t get my clothes off fast enough. As soon as the water touches my toes, I feel a familiar warmth rise up through my body. I step further in until only my head is exposed. I have never felt anything so exhilarating in my life.

  Jack brings our load of supplies down from the car and strips down to his swim trunks. He walks in and comes face to face with me. His smile is as intoxicating as the water I'm in. Then I feel his hands around my waist and he lowers his mouth so that our lips touch gently. At first just a gentle graze then he kisses me harder. Definitely not like last night… this one lasts a long time and I feel electricity everywhere coming up through my toes and down through my lips. I could lose myself right here and now. I can’t imagine anything ever better than this. His lips are so soft and searching as if we just can’t have any space between us. We finally part for air. His eyes are so bl
ue I think I can see through them….no they look just like the water we are standing in, so pure.

  He asks, “Are you alright?”

  Somehow I know that he knows already that I am more than fine, but I nod with a smile and say, “Let’s swim.”

  We swim and play in the waves for a couple of hours. Then we lie out on the towels and dig into our picnic. I packed so many things not knowing what Jack prefers. He eats a little of everything, so I guess he’s pretty easy to please.

  I claim, “If I would have known about this big, blue glorious place, I would have come a lot sooner.”

  He smiles and tells me, “Now is the perfect time, I’m glad I could share your first visit with you.”

  I grin and lean back, savoring the warmth of the sun feeling like now is a good time to tackle the task at hand.

  I start, “Jack, I still have a lot of questions.”

  He nods and glances out at the water, “I know Ever, and I am going to answer every one of them to the best of my ability.”

  He averts his eyes to meet mine, “Just know first, that you aren’t going to like all of my answers, and second I am answering them against my better judgment because I shouldn’t be answering them.”

  So cryptic again.

  Okay here goes, “My first question is really about this connection we have, why do we have this and why does it cause all kinds of electricity and warmth when we touch?”

  He looks sad at this point, that’s the last thing I wanted on this amazing day. Before he can answer I ask, “Why are you so sad?”

  He looks at me and takes a deep breath and grabs my hand, “Ever, the connection we have, unfortunately, I can’t explain, but I think it is wonderful. The way I feel about you is just... I have never felt like this before, about anyone.”

  He shakes his head and says, “Things are really a lot bigger than us.”

  He looks away staring out at the water.

  I ask confused, “What do you mean things?”