Just Breathe

by Heather Allen

  He turns to stare at me and says nothing.

  I can feel my temper rising so I tell him, “Look, Jack, if you don’t want to answer my questions fine, but I don’t think it’s fair that I have told you a lot about myself and I know almost nothing about you.”

  His eyes meet mine and I can see the torment and green. I start to stand up, this is really frustrating, and I am losing my patience for his moodiness.

  He grabs my hand and pleads, “Wait.”

  I feel the warmth that gets me every time and look down, “Am I going to get some answers or should we head back home?”

  He decides, “Yes, I’ll tell you as much as I can.”

  He pats the towel beside him. I sit back down and cross my arms. He better not touch me, I’m not falling for it anymore.

  He starts again, “Well for you and your brother, eighteen is a big birthday.”

  I’ve heard that one before, Gam-aw keeps saying the same thing.

  “When you turn eighteen you have a decision to make that can lead your life in two very different directions.”

  I look up and ask, “Okay, obviously you know I will be eighteen in less than a month, what does this have to do with you and me?”

  I can tell he is getting uneasy because he doesn’t answer right away and he glances out to the ocean as if the answer is out there.

  He gets up suddenly and suggests we take a walk down the beach. He lifts me up and gives me a quick kiss. Don’t know if I will ever be used to that, I like that prospect, smile.

  I say slowly, “Okay, so what decision do I have to make when I turn eighteen, besides where to go to college?”

  He keeps walking but he grabs my hand, captive audience huh.

  “Ever, there is another world …besides here… in the sea.”

  I respond, “Yeah, like fish and stuff, but what does that have to do with you telling me about yourself?”

  He stumbles over his words, “There are...there are actually people that live there too, they are called mer-people. When you turn eighteen, you will have to decide to stay on land or live in the sea.”

  I stop walking and because we are holding hands, so does he. He doesn’t turn around though, I think, to try and let me process. I can’t get a clear thought at this point. Mermaids, that is fiction stuff, there’s no such thing. Jack slowly turns around with a pained expression.

  I stammer and pull my hand away, “There is no such thing.”

  He slowly starts to smile his perfect little half-smile, “Yes there is, they are very real and they live right over there.” He points out to the ocean.

  I sit down right there in the sand; I think I will faint if I don’t. Jack sits down too, and grabs my hand again. We just sit there in silence for what seems like forever. I can tell he keeps looking at me, but I can’t look at him.

  I focus on the sand in front of me and ask, “What does that mean for you, are you a …are you from…there?”

  He slowly nods answering softly, “Yes.”

  Then he looks down at the sand in front of him, as if he is ashamed.

  I can’t get a grip, this is ridiculous. Why would Jack bring me to the beach and tell me unbelievable stories about mermaids. Unless he wants me to think he’s crazy and break off whatever this thing between us is. Maybe James knows something I don’t. Maybe he is stalking me like that girl in Los Angeles.

  He interrupts my inner conflict and asks, “Would you like to see what we can do?”

  I nod uneasily, not having a clue. I thought mermaids had big fishlike tales and gills. I saw a movie once where they ate humans. Oh if that is true… I so hope it isn’t.

  He leads me around an island of rocks, onto a deserted area of the beach, more like a secluded cove. He takes me up on shore where there are large rolling rocks and sea grasses right before the forest starts. He tells me to watch a big rock about the size of a beach ball, about five feet in front of us. Suddenly it lifts into the air and soars through the air for about three feet, where it sets down softly. Jack glances at me with scared green eyes. I can’t speak.

  When I finally find my voice I ask softly, “How did you do that?”

  He half smiles and explains, “When you are a mer-person, you have different ‘wills’ that allow you to do things, such as move things without touching them.”

  I just say, “Oh.”

  He says, “Do you want to see more?”

  I nod so he grabs my hand again and leads me into the water. Oh great, here it is, the mother of all proof. He’s going to grow a fin and I’m gonna faint. Instead he tells me to go under water with him and I watch him lift shells out of the sand and make them move in a circle around me without touching them. We surface and he smiles more sure of himself now. He looks at me expectantly and grabs my hand, but I pull away and start for the beach.

  I think I’m beginning to shut down. I find a spot in the sand and almost collapse. I suddenly don’t have any more energy. He follows me and sits next to me.

  He mumbles uneasily, “I know it’s a lot to absorb and there is a lot more, but only when you are ready.”

  I thought this day was going to be so perfect and it was, until I started with the third degree. Why do I feel like a big weight has suddenly descended upon my shoulders, pushing me closer to the earth?

  Jack keeps glancing at me.

  Finally he breaks the silence again and asks, “Do you want to head back home now?”

  I nod and we walk silently back to the towels and pack everything up. The ride back home is so quiet. It feels like a big woolen blanket has ascended over the car. I can barely breathe. Maybe I’m having a panic attack. Jack holds my hand the whole way home, but I suddenly feel so disconnected from everything.

  When Jack pulls the car up to the house the sun is setting, he comes around to open my door and helps me out. He faces me and lifts my chin up so our eyes meet, green, go figure.

  Warmth spreads through my face…He explains, “I told you that there would be things you wouldn’t like, but you insisted.”

  I tell him, “I know but this is unbelievable, like fantasy stuff.”

  He agrees with me, “I know Ever, now it’s up to you to decide what you want to do with the information. One thing I didn’t tell you is that your parents don’t know about the sea. The rule when you make the choice, if you choose to remain human on land, is that your memory of anything about the sea is gone.”

  I agree and tell him I won’t mention anything to my parents. I still can’t believe we are having this conversation.

  He smiles and squeezes my shoulders before letting me go, “You know enough now to know you have an important decision to make soon. I will answer any questions you have or if you would rather, I not come around anymore, I can arrange that too.”

  At the last part the clouds creep over the green in his eyes. I want to reassure him that I will still want him around, but I just can’t right now. I am exhausted and just want my bed. He kisses my forehead and gets into his car. I watch as he drives off and my heart starts to break.

  11

  Time

  After I watched Jack drive away, I drug myself upstairs and barely made it into my bed before I passed out. It was only seven o’clock. Luckily, I didn’t run into any parents.

  Sunday morning when I stroll into the kitchen for breakfast, my parents both look up from reading the paper. I get the battery of twenty questions and my mom is the worst.

  She asks me nonchalant like, “Ever, honey, how was your beach trip? You went to bed awfully early last night.”

  Oh boy, I just can’t get a break. I think I might have to go back to bed.

  I answer, “Yeah mom, it was great.”

  I glance at her to see if she’s convinced. I sometimes elaborate, but usually I can get by with the usual teenage response. My dad looks up curious. Oh great, not gonna happen this time.

  He asks, “Well, what did you think of the ocean?”

  I let a minute pass before answering and he�
��s still looking at me waiting for an answer. I’m not getting out of this one.

  I ramble, “It was beautiful. We swam for most of the day and ate a picnic lunch.”

  I add, “The drive didn’t seem too bad.”

  Hopefully that will suffice. I open the fridge and get a glass of orange juice. As I turn around, I see my mom looking at me lovingly. Oh great, here it comes.

  She skirts around her words, “Well…What do you think…Do you like this boy, Jack?”

  I give her that, are you serious look and wait. It doesn’t work, geesh, she expects an answer.

  “Um yeah, he’s nice.” I say as vaguely as I can. But he isn't from here and that doesn't sit well in my stomach. I actually think I might be sick. I grab my stomach as it churns uncomfortably and smile at my mom.

  She smiles, gets the hint and goes back to her coffee and paper.

  I climb the stairs back to my room and I am suddenly exhausted again. I glance at James’ door, closed. I look at my phone thinking who I could call that would understand anything of what happened yesterday. Then I glance at my bed and decide it’s calling my name. I crawl under my big blue blanket and pull it over my head. Maybe I can stay here forever and not deal with anything anymore. I drift off to sleep with visions of people with big fins instead of legs.

  My phone rings around twelve waking me up.

  I answer groggily and hear Gabbi’s voice on the other end, “Ever? Are you still asleep?”

  I answer her, “Hhhmmm?”

  She starts talking twenty miles a minute, “I was calling about your trip to the beach yesterday. I didn’t hear from you so I thought I’d call. Well, do you like Jack? Was he nice? Are you getting serious? What did you think about the ocean?”

  At this point I am awake and beginning to sit up, so I can concentrate.

  I say, “Gabbi, chill for minute.”

  Silence, Oops I need to be a better friend.

  I give her uplifting news first, “He kissed me.”

  Screaming….Ugh! I have to pull the phone away from my ear.

  Then I hear, “You have to tell me everything!”

  I smile and give her all the gory details minus the whole, my life will change in less than a month part.

  After my phone marathon with Gabbi, I take a shower and feel better, a little. I still feel totally weighted down, but at least a little bit more awake. The rest of the day I try to stay busy with mindless T.V.

  ***

  Monday brings school and the inevitable, Jack. I don’t know what to say. I still can’t wrap my mind around what he told me on Saturday. I just can’t believe it is true. I walk into first period, dreading seeing him. I sit down and stare straight ahead with my heart beating a million miles a minute. The bell rings and he still isn’t here. I actually feel a little relieved. The day drones on and he doesn’t show for biology either. After school I decide to brave the community pool to swim. I just can’t go to the lake yet, for fear of seeing him. I don’t know how I can talk about something so unbelievable as if it is real. I’m not quite sure how I even feel about Jack now. I’m so confused.

  The rest of the week is pretty much the same. Jack doesn’t show to either of our classes together the whole week. By Friday, I’m a little angry with him. It’s one thing to give me space, but it’s another to actually abandon me, after telling me something so completely crazy.

  I start overanalyzing as usual and convince myself that maybe Jack left. It figures, I was finally starting to feel normal again after Michael and this whole thing hits me. I almost want Jack to take it all back and go back to the way we were before the beach trip. I decide I can live in the dark and forgo any questions. My heart beats faster at that thought. I can’t imagine never seeing him again. I start to get panicked and make the decision to go to the lake after school. I can live with a little craziness. I won’t ask and he doesn’t have to tell.

  I head home for my suit and towel and of course, James is there waiting for me. Leave it to my brother, terrible timing. I am in a hurry and say hi while running up to my room.

  He follows me and leans in the doorway as I gather my stuff, “Where are you off to in such a hurry?”

  I stop and look up surprised. He never cares where I go.

  Why in the world is he home and bothering me, “I’m headed to the lake to train.”

  He shakes his head. I’m going to start calling that the infamous James shake.

  “You aren’t going to see Jack are you?”

  He stresses Jack’s name when he says it, like he’s angry. I pick up my stuff and start for the door but he blocks my way. I look at his eyes and they look like they aren’t completely brown, as they always are. It looks like there are little yellow flecks in them.

  “No James, I am not going to see Jack!” I stress each word so he gets the hint.

  He reluctantly moves out of the way and I bound down the stairs. There is seriously something wrong with my brother.

  I start the jeep and drive too fast to the lake. I feel an urgency to see Jack suddenly. When I pull up, I notice two men fishing in a little dingy near the center of the lake. I rush around the lake looking for him. After half an hour, checking all around, I find that he isn’t here. I go back to the jeep and sit there with my hands on the steering wheel. What do I do now? I’m really starting to believe he left now. Maybe it was all a dream and he was never really here. My heart breaks again.

  I decide I don’t feel like swimming so I start the jeep up and head back home, checking my rearview mirror every few seconds, hoping to see that little yellow car. But it doesn’t appear. I take a detour to Gabbi’s because the last place I want to be is home alone, with James. He is starting to seriously, creep me out.

  I pull up to Gabbi’s single story bungalow style house. She lives on the other side of town where the houses are more sprawling. My neighborhood is more compact. Most of the houses are two story with cutsie porches and street lamps. Her neighborhood consists of long ranch-styles houses. I walk up to the door and knock. Gabbi answers and looks surprised. She takes her cell out of her pocket to see if she missed a call from me.

  I push it back down and say, “I didn’t call first, sorry, are you busy?”

  She opens the door wider and looks back; Reggie is sitting on the couch watching T.V.

  I stumble on my words, “Oh um…sorry I didn’t know.”

  She smiles, “It’s okay, do you want to come in and hang with us?”

  I shake my head and back up, “No, I’ll see you later.”

  I add, “Are you going to the game tonight?”

  She replies, “Yep, we’ll be there.”

  I tell her, “Okay, see you then.”

  As she closes the door, I turn and walk to the jeep. I decide to drive home, James or not, I hear my bed calling my name. I suddenly feel so alone and exhausted.

  I walk into the house cautiously. Silence, hopefully he left. I walk up the stairs and glance at James’ room, the door is closed. I put my ear up to it, silence. Maybe he did leave. I try the handle and it gives when I turn it. I take a deep breath and push the door open, empty. It’s been a while since I’ve been in his room. There are posters of bands plastered on every wall. I glance at his desk and his computer is open. I glance back to the hall to see if I hear anyone, nothing. I sit in front of the computer and hit the internet button. In the search engine I scroll down to see his past searches. There it is the article about Jack, figures. As I look through the others, I see the titles of other sites with the word demon in the title. Now I’m really worried about him. Then I spot one title way past the others with the word, mermaid. I hold my breath and click on it.

  The site is entitled Mermaids: Mythical or Real. I read a little and find that it is a blog from someone telling a first hand account about seeing a mermaid. He writes that they have special powers like moving things with their mind. Even further down he has a hand drawn picture of the supposed mermaid he saw. My breath catches…all I can do is sta
re. The fin and everything about her is incredibly beautiful. I can’t take my eyes off of it. Suddenly, I hear the front door open and close, breaking my trance. I scramble to get off the site and click out. I rush out closing his door just as he’s about to climb the stairs. I rush into my room and close the door quietly, wincing at the click. I fall into my bed and think about what I read and saw. Of course it was someone’s story, it isn’t necessarily true. But she was just incredible. Like no other drawing of a mermaid I have ever seen. I climb under the covers and drift with thoughts of mermaids. My dream quickly turns.

  Jack and I are running through the trees. The tree line stops and the edge of the cliff looms in front of us. When we reach it, I hold my breath and we leap off. The cold water shocks my body. I flail for a moment and surface gasping for air. I look around. Jack is gone. I panic diving back under, looking for him.

  I wake with a start and a vast emptiness in my center.

  I check the clock by my bed and it says seven fifteen. I scurry out of bed and check myself out in the mirror. A shower is calling my name, heading for the bathroom. I notice the door to James’ room across the hall, wide open. I lean around to see if he’s there. He is laying on his bed listening to his IPOD. I immediately draw back, so he doesn’t see me. Guess he didn’t notice I was in there snooping, whew. I take a shower and try to make myself look presentable.

  Grabbing a bite to eat downstairs, I find a note from my mom telling us that she and my dad went out to a movie. I write back that I went to the game. Not that they won’t know where I am, it’s Friday night after all. I jump in the jeep and drive toward the field. I really have no desire to go if truth be told, but I refuse to sink into depression again. Maybe Jack will be at the game. I have a sinking feeling that he won’t, but there’s an ounce of hope.

  As I pull in to find a space, I scan the lot for the color yellow, no dice. A deep breath and I aim for the bleachers. I spot our group as I round the corner. They are in the middle, left side where we usually sit. Gabbi and Reggie have their backs to me talking to some of the other girls. I start to climb the steps but think to look on the far right side, where Jack was standing at the last game I came to, not there. The emptiness is starting to spread, I can feel it. I make it to the middle and Gabbi turns to see me.