Just Breathe

by Heather Allen

  I shake my head, “These aren’t my people. What if I don’t want to be involved?”

  He looks sad and stares at the ground before meeting my eyes again, “I did everything I could to make that statement true but you went against everything I did. They are your people now. You are a member of the sea because you chose the sea.”

  He glares at me and I can feel his yellow eyes entrancing me, “You will have to make a choice at some point.”

  At that he turns and tells me over his shoulder, “You should get some sleep.”

  Then he’s gone as if he vanished into the air.

  I think about everything Jaspen told me. One minute things can be so cut and dry and the next they are completely muddled. I made a choice between land and sea and all I could think about was the love of my life. I’m gathering now that the entire situation is much larger than Jack and I. Somehow I am smack in the middle of it. I guess if I wasn’t so stubborn I might have chosen land and I would be unaware of all of this. My heart aches at that thought though. I would never remember Jack and what he means to me, if I had chosen land.

  I suddenly have the need to talk to my Gam-aw. The enormity of this is starting to hit me and I feel like I need someone outside of the sea to talk to. At this thought I start to drift off. My last thought, those agonized eyes as I walked away from Jack today. I feel like I didn’t just walk away to save him but I walked away and betrayed him.

  ***

  I wake with a start, thinking about Amber. Glancing around I find I am still in the cave in air instead of water and I am lying on the dirt floor wrapped up in the towel the Erebus gave me so many hours ago. I have no idea how long I slept but I feel a lot more refreshed. It must have been a while.

  I sit up thinking that Amber must be close. I decide to try a ‘will’ to find her. I stand and walk over to the door and close my eyes to focus on the lock in the door. I form a picture of the lock holding the door closed and envision it clicking. Suddenly I hear a click and smile. Trying the handle I find that it turns easily in my hand. I peek out into the hall and realize it’s empty with still air. I walk out quietly and find three other doors. Pressing my ear up against the closest one I hear deep voices and laughter. The next one is silent when I press my ear against it. I try the handle and it won’t give. I stand back and focus on the lock with my mind again. It clicks and opens.

  Standing there staring with a disappointed look is Amber.

  I smile at her anyway and whisper, “You had to know I was coming sooner or later.”

  She just shakes her head, looks over my shoulder behind me and tells me, “We better go before we’re found out.”

  I nod, “This way.”

  We rush out finding a smaller hall off of the larger one, opposite from the direction of the room, I was in. She suggests we take it because it might lead out. I follow her hoping this escape can be painless. We walk the hall for what seems like ten minutes and come to a dead end. Of course it couldn’t be easy. Amber is about to go back the way we came but I grab her shoulder and tell her to wait a minute. I’m on a roll after all. I might as well try again. I close my eyes and focus. I picture a window. Suddenly water is rushing into the hallway through a large crevice, the size of a small window.

  Amber glances back at me and smiles, “Nice.”

  We both ‘will’ our fins as soon as the hall is full and we swim off.

  After about a hundred feet I glance back and notice no one is following us. This surprises me. I thought for sure the Erebus would be after us by now. Amber starts to head in the direction of the city but I pull on her hand. She stops to look at me.

  I shake my head, “I can’t go there right now.”

  She argues, “But Ever, Jack might be there waiting for you.”

  I shake my head again, “I know and if he is that is where he belongs. I have to go back to the land for a little while.” She looks completely confused.

  I tell her sadly, “If you see Jack, please tell him that I love him and I hope to see him soon.”

  She looks mad at this point so I start swimming in the opposite direction to the surface and the beach.

  She calls out to me, “How will you get through the barrier? Do you want me to come with you?”

  I look back, “No, I’ll be fine.”

  Once I get far enough away I look back. Amber is gone as are any trace of the caves. I focus, my reasoning is this, if I am actually related to Jaspen and he can travel like that Erebus at the lake, I just might have the same will. Grasping here…

  I focus on Gam-aw and Chicago. Not sure if this travel thing has limits in distance but I guess I’ll know soon enough. I envision her little apartment and ‘will’ myself there.

  When I open my eyes, I find that I am still in the water but not in the same place. It seems like I’ve traveled a few yards away. Just breathe.

  I close my eyes again and remember Gam-aw’s emotion as she told me the story of her life in the sea. Suddenly I feel cold porcelain beneath me and find that I am breathing air. I open my eyes and I’m lying in a claw bathtub surrounded by my Gam-aw’s collection of blue and yellow glass bottles. I look up and Gam-aw is leaning in the doorway with a huge look of surprise and disappointment. I will my legs and clumsily climb out of the tub. She leaves without a word and comes back with a towel and some clothes.

  She orders matter of factly, “Get cleaned up and then we’ll talk.” I nod and close the bathroom door.

  When I enter the kitchen, I can smell fresh coffee and a chicken baking in the oven. I notice the kitchen hasn’t changed in the four years since I’ve been here. It is cluttered with needlepoint pictures of fruits and vegetables all over the walls. My Gam-aw loves needlepoint and all things involving creating with a needle and thread. I sit at the quaint wrought iron table knowing how intense this conversation is going to be but how ready I am for it. No more evasive answers.

  She brings over two cups of steaming coffee and sits across from me.

  She starts before I can say anything, “I knew what you did when your parents told me you were missing. You could have saved so much trouble and heartbreak if you would have just taken my advice.”

  I acknowledge this with a nod.

  She looks at me curiously now, “What do you want to know?”

  I ask, “Is it true that Jaspen is my grandfather?”

  She looks surprised at this but resigned, “Did you meet him?”

  “Yes, I did and I am finding that the sea is not all light and dark, as you explained.”

  She shakes her head, “You are very right. That is exactly why I left. I didn’t want to raise a baby in the midst of all that turmoil, especially a baby a part of both sides.”

  So it is true. Jaspen wasn’t lying.

  I relent, “Now I’m thinking that Jaspen wasn’t seeking revenge on you, it was more about me and my choice.”

  She agrees, “I just thought the less you knew about the sea then you would be more likely to choose what you already knew.” Her eyebrows go up and she chides, “Obviously I was wrong. You are so much like I was at your age.”

  I look at her painfully and ask, “So which side do I choose?”

  She smiles, “Ever, that is your choice to make. Both sides are right and wrong in so many ways. This is now your burden and unfortunately whichever side you choose, you will affect the balance in the sea.”

  I look at her questioningly, “What do you mean I will affect the balance?”

  She looks thoughtful, “Because of your bloodline. You are now the most powerful mer-person in the sea. Both sides will be fighting just to have you on their side.”

  I put my head in my hands. It is exactly as bad as I was afraid of.

  I whine a little, “Gam-aw I just turned eighteen and all I wanted to do was fall in love, go to college and maybe live happily ever after.”

  She replies, “I will take some of the blame for not telling you everything. Maybe that would have helped you choose land but here you are w
ith a different choice to make. There’s no turning back now.”

  I can feel tears streaming down my cheeks. All I want to do is go back home, crawl into my bed and wake up with all of this behind me as a bad dream.

  She asks, “Does Jack know about Jaspen?”

  I shake my head, “I’m pretty sure he doesn’t.”

  She looks around and her eyes rest back on me, “This will make it that much harder.”

  “You have the same traveling will?”

  I admit, “This was the first time.”

  She says, “Well you are welcome to stay here but I would suggest you use it to go home before your parents realize you are gone again.”

  I take a deep breath. How did things get so complicated? She feeds me before I go and hugs me.

  She whispers in my ear as we are hugging, “It’s going to get worse before it gets better but trust in yourself.”

  The tears fall harder as I close my eyes and focus on my jeep still at the lake in Pahrump.

  26

  Distractions

  I wake up the next morning still exhausted as if I didn’t sleep at all. Considering the alternatives, at least it was dreamless. At this point, the last thing I want is to dream about the inner turmoil I feel every minute now. My parents have gone to their newest hobby, tennis lessons and I get a note from them telling me to write a note if I go anywhere. The trust is slowly coming back and I’m sure my late night last night didn’t help things. Hopefully it didn’t put me back any steps in redeeming myself. Getting some breakfast and juice, I enjoy the silence as I decide what to do for the day. I am choosing at the moment to ignore that I have the fate of the world in the sea on my shoulders. Today I just want to be a normal eighteen year old girl with normal eighteen year old problems. I do realize, however, that if my current boyfriend shows up in this equation, I might be in a little trouble.

  I decide to call the bestie and find out if she wants to hang out. But first I check my email for anything not junk. I should have known an email this morning from Gabbi asking to check out a movie. I get on the phone and dial her number. As it’s ringing I get a text. It’s from Jack, which means he’s on land, uh oh.

  Gabbi answers, “Hi girl, I was about to call you. You want to check out a chick flick?”

  I laugh, “I am so ready for a chick flick today. Name the time and place.”

  There are two theaters in our humble little town. One is older than the other and your feet tend to stick to the floor. This one is closer to my house and the other is closer to Gabbi’s. I prefer the one that is newer and farther away. Gabbi picks the right one and tells me she’ll see me at one. After I get off, I check the text from Jack:

  Ever, we need to talk!

  Why can’t I just have one day with no talking? I decide to let the text go. If he wants to talk that bad I’m sure he’ll find me. I know I have a complete attitude turn around from twenty-four hours ago but in light of recent new information, I have a lot to think about; which is exactly the opposite of what I feel like doing.

  I have a couple of hours to kill so I leave a note and take off for the pool. Unfortunately, it’s a little crowded. Fortunately, the lap pool has some spots. The season is starting in less than a month, so I focus, speed and endurance. I lose myself and focus only on the water and swimming. By the time I am finished there is a tiny audience of friends who work at the pool. They comment on how I’m gonna rock it this season. Oh, if they only knew.

  As I pull into my driveway, I notice the yellow car down the road. Oh great, here we go. I have pushed this conversation out of my head all day. I don’t have the slightest clue how to talk to Jack about this without completely betraying him. I get out of the jeep and head for the porch. He’s sitting on the swing waiting for me. As I climb the steps I notice his easy smile and his eyes. The blue rolls over as he gets up to greet me.

  Before I can say anything, I am in his arms and feel the electricity coursing through me. I look up as our lips meet gently. We part and I linger, not wanting to face what I have to do.

  He looks down into my eyes and smiles, “I missed you.”

  This is going to be so hard. I decide to avoid the subject just a little while longer and enjoy these moments together. We sit on the swing and just hold each other. I’m content to stay like this. Then he breaks my contentment. “So, how did you get away?”

  I shrug my shoulders. “I picked the lock.”

  He tells me, “Amber said you have some new wills that she has never seen before.”

  I nod trying so hard not to elaborate. He seems to get the hint that I don’t want to talk about it. Before he can say anything else that will make me tell him everything, I say, “So I have a date with Gabbi later. We’re going to see some chick flick.”

  He smiles, “Good, I think you need that right now.”

  I nod my head and look straight ahead.

  He puts his hand under my chin and turns my head to look into his eyes, green. Here it comes.

  “Ever, what exactly happened with the Erebus? Why did they let you go?”

  I shake my head, “I really don’t know why they let us go. I didn’t think they did, but maybe…I guess they did. It was too easy and no one came after us.”

  I look away and whisper, “Jack, I met Jaspen while I was there.”

  I turn to look into his eyes to see if he is surprised or if he knows anything. He looks genuinely shocked and curious.

  I stumble over my next words, “He told me… he is…um…I’m so sorry… my grandfather.”

  Jack looks at me with unbelieving eyes and starts shaking his head. Now I know that he didn’t know and wasn’t keeping it from me.

  He starts, “No, that can’t be. There is no way.”

  I nod, “I know I had the same reaction but it actually makes sense. My grandmother was pregnant with my mom when she left the sea.”

  He gets up and starts pacing across the porch. I think he is working out the logistics of it all. He stops and looks at me. I can see the pain in his face. All I want to do is take it back and put my arms around him but he deserves to know. He starts pacing again. I just sit there wishing I could curl up in a ball and wait for the next question that I know is coming.

  He crouches down and takes my hands in his, “Do you realize what this means?”

  I nod, “Yes, it’s all I’ve been able to think about all day.”

  He looks like he is in so much pain. He looks afraid to ask the next question but he does, “What are you going to do? Are you considering…?” He leaves the second part unfinished.

  I squeeze his hands and say, “I am considering everything.”

  He nods and winces like he was afraid that would be my answer. He gets up suddenly and says, “I need to go.”

  I stand up and put my arms around his neck not letting him go. I look deep into his eyes and tell him, “Jack, I love you with all of my heart and everything that I am.” He nods and turns, breaking my grasp. I suddenly feel so empty watching him walk down the road towards his car.

  ***

  That night, I am lying in bed turning all possibilities over in my mind. I don’t see a way in which all of this can end well. I want to just side with the Lior and be done with it all. That is the side that Jack believes so passionately in after all. Then my voice of reason comes and reminds me that no one should have their freedoms taken away and I am the only one to help these people who are trying to make life different.

  I decide to avoid the whole situation for a couple of days and see if Jack comes back to talk. I seriously doubt he will. In fact I wouldn’t be surprised if he never talks to me again. Of course my heart breaks in half at the mere thought of this. How can I even breathe without him? But knowing what he stands for makes me so angry. Why do things always have to be so difficult?

  I hear a knock on the door and James peeks around the door apprehensively.

  I greet him, “Hey you, come in." He shuffles over to my bed with his hands in his pockets
and sits on the edge as I sit up. He looks as lost in thought as I feel.

  He asks me, “So what exactly did I do to you before you left?”

  I look at him confused, “What are you talking about?”

  He shakes his head as if to clear his thoughts, “I remember bits and pieces and some of the things I remember saying to you don’t make any sense.”

  I brush him off; apparently his memory wasn’t erased completely when Jaspen sabotaged him.

  “Hey, you were fine, just a typical seventeen year old boy, I guess.”

  I smile for good measure.

  He looks down to the floor.

  I ask, “Is something else bothering you?”

  He looks at me a little uneasy, “Um yeah, something weird is happening to me.”

  I frown as he takes his hands out of his pockets and turns them over, palms up. There are lights coming from his fingers. My mouth drops open but before I can say anything he gets up suddenly and stuffs his hands back in his pockets.

  “Sorry I bothered you, I know freak right.”

  Wow where is Jack when I need him? I shake my head and tell him “No, hey come back and sit down.” I pat the bed beside me. He looks uneasy but sits back down.

  I say carefully, “You are definitely not a freak. You said weird things. Is there anything else besides your hands?”

  He looks at me and I can tell already.

  “Well sometimes I can see yellow flecks creep in my eyes when I look in the mirror.”

  I know he is freaked out but so am I. Not exactly for the same reasons. I am dumbfounded. What am I supposed to tell him? You are turning into a merman. Oh but that’s not all, an evil one at that. Oh yeah plus, it’s not supposed to happen to you at least until you turn eighteen.

  But I actually say, “Hey, it looks to me like you’re going through that boy change thingy.”

  He shakes his head, “Ever, get real, that happened a long time ago.”

  I look away, embarrassing moment. I decide to just go with it. If he is actually changing and against any choice, then he has a right to know something. I turn over my hands and ‘will’ the lights. They are a little brighter than the last time I ‘willed’ them. It’s one thing that I can travel but this one seems like the easiest and I can’t get it. His eyebrows go up when he sees my hands.