Just Breathe

by Heather Allen

  He looks up and meets my eyes asking, “What does this mean?’

  I close my eyes to gather my thoughts. How much do I tell him? I go with, “Well, it’s kind of a family trait but only you, me and Gam-aw have it.” I add, “Mom and Dad don’t even know about it.”

  He looks at me unbelieving and asks, “Really?”

  I nod.

  “You can call her if you want.” Which is exactly what I intend to do.

  He sits there for a while not saying anything. I let him mull it over. It’s a lot to digest and he doesn’t even know the real story.

  He gets up suddenly and smiles a half smile, “Thanks for the talk, I appreciate it.”He heads for the door.

  I call to him, “James?"

  He turns.

  I remind him, “Remember, mom and dad don’t know and if you need to talk some more, I’m here.”

  He nods and leaves closing my door behind him. I immediately get on my cell and dial Gam-aw.

  She answers on the second ring, “Hi Ever, how is everything?” That’s a loaded question if I ever heard one.

  I tell her, “When I saw Jaspen he told me he sabotaged James, to influence my decision but he must not have erased his memory fully. He came in to see me tonight. He remembers bits and pieces from before but not everything.”

  I continue, “His hands are lighting up and there are flecks of yellow in his eyes. Gam-aw he was totally freaked out. And I’m starting to get freaked out too.”

  She asks calmly, “What did you tell him?”

  “I showed him my hands and told him it was a family trait that only you, me, and him have.”

  She asks, “Anything else showing up?”

  I tell her, “Nothing yet. Why is this happening to him? I thought he wouldn’t have the choice until he turns eighteen.”

  She agrees, “This shouldn’t be happening to him but remember Ever, I told you that you would affect the balance with your choice. Maybe things are already changing.”

  I tell her, “Gam-aw I haven’t gone back yet, nor have I made any decisions.”

  She agrees, “Well, either things have started to change or maybe he is an exception to the laws because of his lineage. You will need to keep an eye on him. If he changes he will have a lot of questions and you need to be the one to answer them.” Feeling even more overwhelmed now.

  “Thank you Gam-aw.”

  She adds, “Also Ever, if he changes. You won’t be the most powerful. It will be James.”

  I just stare at the wall absorbing this.

  ***

  The next week flies by and I let it. My classes drone on and I am happy now for the monotonous routine. Jack doesn’t show to any classes all week, nor do I hear from him. I expected this but it still hurts everyday when I sit next to those empty seats.

  James comes to my room a couple of times during the week to tell me about some odd things that happened at school. In the beginning of the week he asked a girl out on a date and she said yes. Which I have to say is normal boy behavior but I am guessing he influenced her a little without knowing it. The second was a little more obvious. He was mad at a teacher and wished a book would close while she was reading it and it did. I decide that if this continues I will have a real talk with him next week. Helping James will be the perfect distraction for me.

  Friday rolls around and I am glad for the usual Friday night goings on. I head to The Rest Stop with Gabbi and Reggie and lose myself in the usual teenage worries of everyone around me. Who is dating who and who is having a party. I even participate with interest in all the sports talk. I am looking forward to swim season which is starting in a week. I know I have an unfair advantage. It will be my own little secret though.

  By the Friday of the next week, James is truly freaked out. His eyes are completely yellow more often now than not. He is telling everyone he has contacts but I can tell he is really scared. A couple of other things happened with things moving after he thought about it. So I decide to tell him the real truth. Obviously, this is now his reality too. I take him to the park down the street on Friday night. We sit on the same bench that so long ago, I sat with Gam-aw while she told me about the sea.

  I start, “James do you remember when I was gone for three days?”

  He nods.

  “Well, I didn’t run away for the reasons everyone thinks. Back in our family history we have a lineage that goes back many years and not all of them existed on land.”

  He looks completely confused as I expected.

  I go on, “We have lineage that goes to the sea.” I let him absorb this.

  He asks, “What is that supposed to mean?”

  I blurt out, “I’m a mermaid.”

  I go on before he can say anything, “You are making the change into a merman and that is why all of these things are happening to you.” Okay so my tactic isn't the best but it's out there. He looks at me like I am telling him a joke with a huge grin. I don’t smile back

  “Are you serious?”

  I wince, "Yes, I know it’s hard to process but it’s completely true.”

  He asks the obvious, “Where is your fin, then?”

  I shake my head. “I don’t have one on land.”

  I take him over to the field by the playground and ‘will’ the swings to start swinging in opposite directions. He is really impressed and taking it all in, way better than I did. I explain all that I can to him. The only parts I leave out are the fact that the sea is divided and my current dilemma. I am wondering if I will be the one to affect everything now that he is changing too. I decide I need to talk to Jack and if I have to go back to see him, I will.

  27

  Swim Meet

  My first swim meet is Tuesday at four and I feel completely ready. Of course I am still in distraction mode but it seems to be working less and less of late. I think with the new James developments it’s having the opposite effect than I wanted. My mind keeps drifting to the possibilities of everything with the addition of James. He is generally unpredictable and as I’ve been working with him on his ‘wills’, very powerful. Gamm-aw was right when she said he would be much more powerful than me. He has yet to ‘will’ a fin, which I think is good for now and I haven’t shown him the traveling ‘will’. I have a feeling; that I need to hold off on that one right now.

  Tuesday comes and as I am getting out of the jeep, I spot Jack waiting for me at the entrance to the pool. I see the green in his eyes and warmth spreads through me. I don’t realize how much I missed him until my heartbeats make me breathless. I walk up, unsure about where we stand, so I give him a quick hug. His hand lingers on my back and I can feel a tingle emanating from that spot. The last thing I need right now is confusion.

  He looks into my eyes and says, “I was just coming to wish you good luck. Not that you need it.”

  I smile, “Thanks, we’ll see.”

  “Will you stay for the meet?”

  He hesitates, “Well I was…”

  I grab his hand before he can finish and say, “I would really like it if you will stay.”

  He nods reluctantly and follows me into the pool deck. I spot my family and lead him over to sit with them. Gabbi and Reggie say hi, graciously. My parents both greet him as if they’ve seen him everyday for the past two weeks. James shoots me a curious questioning look. I did not share with him that Jack is a merman too but I think he just figured it out on his own. They all wish me luck and I head for the locker room.

  The meet speeds by. I compete in the fifty meter and the hundred meter. I take first place in both. Guess that’s what happens when you race a mermaid.

  My parents suggest we get a bite to eat together to celebrate after the meet and I invite Jack, Gabbi, and Reggie. To my surprise, they all agree to go. As we sit and start dinner I look around at everyone I hold most dear in my life and think about how my life has become so complicated. Whatever decisions I make from now on will affect everyone I love.

  James approaches Jack and I after dinn
er outside of the restaurant after we say goodbye to Reggie and Gabbi.

  He says to Jack, “So you too huh?”

  I look to Jack uneasily. He looks at me unbelieving and asks, “You told him?”

  I nod, “Well, I had no choice. He is changing and not by choice.”

  He looks alarmed at this and is about to say something when I give him a warning look. He shuts his mouth quickly and offers to James, “If you have any questions, I’ll be glad to help out.”

  James stares for a minute, thanks him and turns to join my parents.

  I ask Jack, “Can we go somewhere and talk?”

  I can see the yearning in his eyes. All I want to do is wrap my arms around him and lose myself but we both hold back.

  He answers, “Yes, we really need to talk now in light of James.” I sadly agree, already knowing what he is going to say. I ride with him in the yellow car and we head to the park across from the school. We park and neither one of us rushes to get out of the car. His hands are still grasping the steering wheel as if for support.

  He turns to me, “Ever, do you realize what this means for James?”

  I relent, “Of course I know what it means. He didn’t ask for this.”

  He asks, “Does he know about the Erebus and Lior?”

  I shake my head, “No, I haven’t told him yet. It was enough just telling him about changing.”

  He grabs my hand and raises it to his lips for a kiss. As soon as his lips touch my hand, I feel the electricity racing through my arm and into the rest of me creating such a need for him. I hold back and smile.

  I try to focus, “How are things in the sea?”

  He looks ahead and answers without emotion, “It’s as if everyone is just waiting for something. We all know something is coming but I don’t think anyone knows exactly what. They can feel it.”

  He continues, “I think Seamus is frightened. He has renewed all of the barriers and been out to remind everyone of the laws we are all bided to.”

  I shake my head at this, “But Jack, don’t you see it’s all wrong. You shouldn’t have all of these laws deciding your life for you.”

  He shakes his head, as if in pain.

  I continue, “The laws you believe in forbid you to be with me.”

  His eyes meet mine and I can see the turmoil he is wrestling with.

  He answers, “This is all I’ve known my whole life and this is what my parents died for.”

  I tell him, “This is what actually, killed your parents.”

  He frowns at me and turns the other way. I can feel his pain and I wish so badly that I could take it away.

  I relent trying to lighten the mood, “Well this whole balance thing is no longer in my hands. It now lies in the hands of a moody, unpredictable seventeen year old boy.”

  He looks at me so sadly, “This is nothing to make light of.”

  I agree with him a little more firmly than I want to be, “I am fully aware Jack, of all the implications. I am just as much a part of this as you are.”

  I shut my mouth, suddenly realizing that I just admitted what I was trying so hard to avoid. I didn’t want this, to be a part of the sea and all the turmoil but as I say this I realize that I have to face up to my reality and do what I believe in.

  I reach for the door handle to get out of the car. He reaches for my hand.

  I turn and tell him, “I still love you more than anything but I have to do what I truly believe in. Just know that I believe in us, you and me more than anything else.”

  He nods with those cloudy green eyes, “I knew what your decision would be but I had to hear it for myself.”

  I ask suddenly terrified of what is coming, “What about us?”

  He still has a hold of my hand and he pulls me toward him. I let him. Our lips meet and a profound sadness fills my heart. Is this the end of us? I can’t bear the thought. Then the current rushes through me as I climb over the gear shift and sit in his lap. I savor every taste and feel of his skin. He is tender kissing every part of my face as if to commit it to memory.

  Finally, I climb back to the passenger seat and we drive back to my house in silence. When he pulls up in front of the house tears cascade down my cheeks.

  He grabs my hand before I can open the door and tells me, “Ever, whatever happens there will always be an- us. No matter which side we fall on I will always love you more than life itself. Please always know that through what is to come.”

  I lean in kissing him one last time, letting my lips linger while remembering this moment, knowing there won’t be another in the near future.

  I look into those green eyes and I tell him, “I love you.”

  The tears fall freely now and I turn to get out of the car. As I stand there watching him drive off, I remember the last time I stood here watching him drive away. I wish I was feeling now, what I felt then and not this finality.

  28

  James

  When I stroll into my room, I jump at the figure sitting on my bed. Rushing to turn on the light I meet the very yellow eyes of my brother.

  I ask him with too much anger, “What are you doing here? You scared the crap out of me.

  He looks alarmed, “Have you been crying? What’s the matter?”

  I shake my head, “It’s nothing.”

  I check the clock and tell him, “James it’s eleven o’clock and we both have school tomorrow. What’s up?”

  He looks a little wiser when I really look at him. Then he tells me,”Jaspen was here tonight."

  I lose my balance feeing like a ton of bricks just hit me in the chest and land next to him suddenly very numb. He goes on as if I didn’t have any reaction to his admonition, “He told me all about the Lior, the Erebus and about me.”

  I nod at a total loss for words.

  He still continues, “He told me that I have a choice to make and so do you and we will decide the fate of all those people in the sea.”

  As he tells me all of this it seems as though he is awed by the whole thing. Almost as if he is above it all. Then I realize he mentioned me.

  I turn to him and ask, “Jaspen mentioned me?”

  He nods and says, “Yes, he said you would think it is all about me now because I am a male and he mentioned that I am more powerful than you.” He mentions the last part playfully which I am so not in the mood to play along.

  “But actually he said you are just as important as I am.”

  So he told him everything but he said I am still in the equation.

  I turn to James and tell him as serious as I can, “This is a huge decision. There are thousands upon thousands of lives that we will be affected with this one choice. We can’t take this lightly at all, James. You’ve never even been there and I’ve only been a couple of times. These people have lived there for a very long time.”

  He stands up and admits, “True, I’ve never been there but I am ready for this. It’s almost as if I’ve been waiting my whole life for something like this.”

  I stare at him. I’m not sure if he is being true or if he is full of the power that he now knows he is capable of. I hope with all of my heart that he is true, otherwise the whole sea is in trouble.

  ***

  I wake up the next morning and I am still wearing the clothes from the night before. My eyes are half closed because of the crying and lack of sleep that took place after James left my room. The last place I feel like going today is school but if I don’t go all I’ll do is cry and mope. I end up walking in late, consumed in my own little world of turmoil that I don’t notice someone is sitting in the seat next to me. The realization that someone is sitting there hits me ten minutes into class. I glance over hoping beyond hope that it’s Jack but it’s a new boy I’ve never seen before. He smiles as I glance at him. I smile uneasily back. No warmth there. I look forward the rest of class thinking about my brother and the enormous choice we will have to make. I know it’s going to be soon. Jack said last night that the mer-people are getting restless and t
he Erebus are seen regularly swimming around the barrier. They are probably looking for a way in. They now know that they just might have a chance to win.

  The rest of the day drones on uneventfully and I am glad to go home. I head straight for my bed but then I have other thoughts. I grab my suit and towel and get in the jeep to head for the lake. I need a good long swim with no one around.

  Approaching the lake, I notice the weather has changed. Clouds are rolling in and a storm seems to be looming in the distance. I have to shake this depression so I decide to chance it. It is deserted as I had hoped. My heart skips a little knowing that deserted means no Jack either. Come on Ever you have to push it all away. I stretch a little, undress to my suit and wade in.

  The water has turned colder and I feel a slight chill but my body regulates my temperature and I venture deeper. The temperature thing, I have found is another perk of being a part of the other side. Regardless of the orientation of the water my body can regulate and keep me comfortable internally. Swimming hard, I lose myself in my strokes and breathing. Repeating laps back and forth feels comfortable and normal.

  After a while, without even thinking about it my fin has appeared. This scares me suddenly because it came on without any control over it. I start to panic and try to ‘will’ legs again. It doesn’t seem to work. I swim towards the bank hoping to touch land and make it easier to ‘will’ my legs. After about fifteen minutes I find this is not the case. Oh great, what should I do now? I’m stuck in a lake with my fin. Truly feeling alone now and it starts to rain. Just great.

  I see out of the corner of my eye, a car pull up on the other side of the jeep. I dive back towards the middle and submerge myself. That is all I need are rumors of mermaids starting about my favorite lake. Then I’ll never be able to swim here again. I decide to surface a tiny bit after about ten minutes. I look toward the jeep and spot my mom’s car. Oh, even better. Someone from my family is here. A splash on the other side startles me. I spin around in the direction of the splash to find James swimming towards me. He has a wide grin on his face. I swim over to him.

  He calls out, “So how does it work?”