Just Breathe

by Heather Allen

  I glare at him, “What?” Even though I already know what he’s talking about.

  He insists, “You know, the fin.”

  I decide to put him in his place. “Oh you mean this?”

  I lift my fin and splash him with a giant wave. When I stop splashing him his mouth is hanging open and he looks almost afraid.

  I ask tauntingly, “Are you sure you want this now?”

  He regains his composure and shrugs, “Yeah, I um didn’t think it would look so…big.”

  I push him. Then he says with a wide grin, “Wow, that is really cool.”

  I roll my eyes. Only James would not see the enormity of this.

  I tell him, “You just ‘will’ it. Think about a fin instead of your legs.”

  He concentrates and keeps looking under the water.

  I explain, “You need to keep trying. It takes a couple of tries sometimes.”

  Suddenly, I see him dive out of the water and there it is; a shimmery fin just like mine.

  We spend hours swimming and exploring the lake while the rain comes down harder. Talk about boy discovery. James must explore every nook and cranny from one side of the lake to the other. He gets a huge kick out of his lighted hands under the water. I have to admit it is kind of neat being able to see so clearly in such muggy water. I’m glad James came to the lake today. We finally have something in common. I can see him maturing right before my eyes. He has helped me today appreciate my new identity. I am no longer Ever, eighteen year old, heading to college and beyond. I am now, Ever, eighteen year old, life to come unknown. I guess maybe this new me has more possibilities.

  29

  Seamus

  The next morning I wake from another dream. This was a very different one from the previous ones. I was swimming fast as if someone was chasing me. I glanced back to see a fin but I couldn’t focus on the face following me.

  I’m beginning to tire of these energy depleting dreams. I always wake up tired. I head to the kitchen for water. Maybe I should just keep a gallon next to my bed so I don’t have to get up.

  Today is school again, unfortunately. I go through my usual routine to get ready and end up having an extra few minutes before having to leave. I check my email. Probably just a lot of junk mail but I haven’t been on the computer in a while. As I scroll through the junk messages there is one that catches my eye. The subject line says, meet me at the lake today.

  I check the date, today, 5:00 am. My breath catches because I know it must be from Jack and this must mean he is on land and not in the sea right now. I click on the message but there is nothing inside just the subject line. I reason that if that’s the case, maybe he’ll be at school.

  I hurry to gather my things and rush out the door. Pulling in I scan the lot for the color yellow. I don’t see it but maybe he’ll be late. I stand a little taller with hope. As I sit down I notice the new boy in Jack’s seat again. He smiles at me and I glare. He better hope Jack isn’t coming because he’ll have to find a new seat. I smirk at that thought.

  Suddenly, I feel a tap on my shoulder.

  I turn toward the tap and the boy next to me asks, “Um, excuse me I was just wondering if you could help me out a little in this class? It seems I have missed a lot and I need to get caught up.”

  I stare at the door willing Jack to show up but he doesn’t and the bell rings.

  The boy next to me looks at me expectantly so I tell him, “Sorry I have something to do after school.”

  He nods, “I understand. What about during your study hall time?” Who does this guy think he is?

  I answer, “It’s fourth period.”

  He smiles, “That is the same as mine. Do you mind if I join you in the library?”

  I shrug my shoulders I’ve suddenly run out of energy.

  ***

  The day drones on and I walk into the library during fourth period to study for my upcoming exams. As I am spreading my books out a chill runs down my back as if someone is staring at me. I look up and notice the new boy from history class standing there. Great, I forgot about him. He is the opposite of Jack. He has long blond hair and it looks like green eyes. He is built differently as well, more compact and stronger looking. Totally, not Jack.

  He asks in a deep voice, “Can I sit down?”

  I hold my hand up offering the chair across from me. He sits down and starts to open his book.

  “By the way, I’m Alex.”

  I respond under my breath, “Ever.”

  He asks about some assignments and I absentmindedly answer.

  After a while he asks, “You seem a little preoccupied. Do you want to do this another time?”

  I shake my head apologizing, “Sorry. I do have a lot on my mind. Do you have any more questions? I have to go meet a friend.”

  He nods and ascents, “No more questions. Go and meet your friend.”

  He smiles, “If I have any more questions, I know where to find you during fourth period.”

  I get up and give him the best smile I can muster for my state of mind. I pull out my cell and turn to walk out of the library. If Jack is on land I may be able to get ahold of him. I dial but it just rings. His voice mail doesn’t even pick up so I can’t leave a message. This is so depressing. I vow to make it to the lake today. The message had to be from him. He will probably be there waiting for me.

  I hop in the jeep and decide not to stop at home after school. I usually keep a spare suit, towel and goggles in the jeep. I blast my music trying to convince myself that there is a slight possibility the email wasn’t from Jack. I brace myself for more disappointment, just in case.

  As I pull up and park in the slightly browned grasses, I notice the lake has changed tremendously in the past month. There is a slight hint that spring is on its way. The sparse amount of trees surrounding the lake, have specks of green popping out all over. I can see hints in the birds as well. Lately I’ve seen a bigger population of ducks swimming around the lake signaling spring fever.

  I climb out of the jeep and hesitate wondering whether I should change and swim or look around for Jack. I decide to stick with my normal routine. This will help with any disappointments to come. At least I will be able to swim my frustrations away.

  The lake is deserted again. Not exactly as I had hoped. I walk around to the other side to find no one. Maybe he is just running late. I wade in ready to put in a good work out. I swim for about an hour and crawl up the bank to think. I’m guessing maybe he isn’t going to show. Who could blame him though? I pretty much told him I was going to fight against everything he believes in.

  Tears well as this realization hits me. If I do this it may change everything that we are. He may resent me and never speak to me again.

  Suddenly, I notice a boat drifting towards me. I didn’t see anyone put the boat into the lake. There is a ramp in the corner of the lake and I can see it from where I am. As I glance over I notice there aren’t any cars parked near. I get up suddenly feeling uneasy.

  As the boat drifts closer a man with a full white beard and one of those old fishing hats loaded with hooks and lures comes into view. When the boat is about ten feet away and still coming, I decide it’s time to leave so I turn and walk out of the grasses. Then I hear my name. I turn to look around. The thought that maybe Jack did come after all crosses my mind.

  But realization hits when the man in the boat calls out, “Ever, don’t go just yet. I need to talk to you.”

  I stand there and stare as he comes closer. When he is almost to the bank, I notice that he has the bluest eyes I have ever seen. Bluer even, than Jacks on his happiest day. He is slightly chubby with his fishing shirt tucked haphazardly into multi-pocketed pants. I look at him curiously.

  He stretches his hand out as the boat hits the bank and asks in a deep gravely voice, “Can you lend me a hand? I’m certainly not as young as I used to be.”

  I grab his hand and let him lean on me as he climbs out of the boat. I don’t know why but I am completel
y at ease. This man seems to pose no threat to me. I actually feel more relaxed than I have since arriving at the lake, which is weird.

  He tells me once we are walking up the bank, “Let’s go sit at the picnic table. I need to rest.”

  I glance around and spot a wooden picnic table past the tall grasses in a field ten feet away. I have been coming to the lake since I started driving two years ago and there has never been a picnic table here before. I glance back at this man and suddenly I realize who this is. It makes sense now.

  We sit down and I don’t even give him a chance.

  “You must be Seamus.”

  He smiles easily and nods.

  I start, as my anger begins to well up, “Do you realize what you are putting your people through? It isn’t right to limit people’s freedoms.” I end with, “You should be ashamed of yourself.”

  He laughs, “You are a feisty one aren’t you? I guess it runs in our family.”

  I am disgusted at this point. I have let all of my hate for this man build up. I don’t even know if being civilized at this point is an option.

  I start, “YOU…”

  But he cuts me off. “Ever, I think it only fair that you hear me out as well. You heard Jaspen’s argument. Now it is only right to hear mine.”

  I close my mouth quickly.

  He continues, “I am guessing you have already made a decision based on your contempt for me. These things never come easily. This is a huge decision not to be taken lightly.”

  I respond angrily, “I haven’t taken anything lightly. How is it right to have people fight and die for you when you take away their freedoms?”

  He nods, “I know this is all so new for you and it all happened so quickly. You just made a big decision just to become a part of the sea. Now you have to decide something else entirely.”

  He makes these statements as if musing to himself. I barely feel like he is speaking directly to me. I cross my arms and decide to just sit there and let him ramble on.

  He continues this time focusing on my stare.

  “You are a very important part of everything we are in the sea. Your power can help or harm. I am only here to tell you the other side.”

  I nod with a frown.

  He continues, “A long time ago I made a selfish choice for love. First to come to the sea to be with someone I wasn’t born to be with. Then my second mistake was to claim that world as my own. We as humans on land were never meant to be a part of the sea.”

  He looks down at his hands and takes a deep breath. “The best thing for the mer-people is to keep them away from humans on land. If I had never met Matea the people would still be one and peaceful.”

  I shake my head, “I don’t believe that Seamus. It would have been someone else. Things can’t always stay the same.”

  He smiles, “Ah, you are clever.”

  I start to get up realizing that he is just feeding me words that he thinks I want to hear.

  He grabs my hand and asks, “Please sit and hear me out.”

  I hesitate and decide to sit a little while longer.

  He continues, “My whole purpose is to protect the people that I love from any more mistakes. Unfortunately, that involves laws to keep them safe from any harms they don’t know about. I fear for anyone else making the same mistake I did.”

  His eyes bore into me. I realize he is pretty much summing up what I just did. I repeated his two mistakes as he calls them, one to choose for love and two to call these people my own.

  He asks me, “Please consider what the sea would be like if everyone was able to walk the land and swim the sea. We are a mysterious existence. If land and sea were free to each other then our world would cease to be safe.”

  I ask angrily, “Is that all? I really have someplace I need to be.”

  I start to get up.

  He stops me one last time with his hand on mine.

  “Ever, please don’t take this lightly.”

  His next words hit my heart.

  “When you choose a side, remember how this has turned your life inside out. Imagine how many others would be going through the same identity crisis if everyone were free to choose.”

  As he gets up he says at last, “Goodbye my great granddaughter. I hope you make all considerations.”

  Then he is gone. A minute later the boat and picnic table disappear. Wow, he must be some powerful merman.

  My heart hurts at this point, aching for Jack and for the people that will be caught in the crossfire of these two sides. Neither side is going to come out of this unscathed. I am so much more confused now. I decide to go home and veg out. That is the human thing to do after all. This is something I am going to turn my back on, at least for today. I blast the music and actually sing all the way home. This is a never for me. I have no musicality at all so I must really not want to face this.

  30

  Downward Spiral

  When I get home after my meeting with Seamus I am completely depressed. It is worse than when Michael broke up with me. At least when he called it quits I knew life would change a little but I would still go to school, breathe air and be a normal teenager. Now I just can’t even function knowing that I have such an impact on a race of people. No wonder Jack doesn’t want anything to do with me anymore; I wouldn’t either.

  The rest of the week slides by. I feel as if I’m in a bubble and I can’t feel anything. I can tell Gabbi is really concerned but I don’t care. I go through the motions each day but I can’t really function beyond that. The new boy, Alex I guess is his name, tries to talk to me each day but I blow him off. I think by Friday he has finally gotten the hint and he doesn’t even greet me. I haven’t been back to the lake or the pool since the Seamus incident. Why should I care at this point?

  By the time Saturday rolls around Gabbi has about had it with my attitude and shows up at my house around eight. I am already in my pajamas planning to call it a night. I answer the door surprised to find her there. This time it’s my turn to check my cell phone.

  She shakes her head, “No Ever, I didn’t call first. I knew you would blow me off. It’s time for an intervention.”

  I frown, “A what?”

  She walks in and I follow her into the kitchen. “You have been distant, non-responsive, and moody for the better part of this school year."

  I open my mouth to protest but she puts her hand up as if to halt what I have to say.

  She continues, “I am no longer going to sit by idly and watch you sink into depression. I miss my best friend and I’ll be damned if I’m going to let any boy do this to you."

  I wince, “Gabbi it’s really not Jack’s fault…”

  She interrupts, “Actually I don’t care whose fault it is. You have been so evasive every time I try to talk to you. So from now on I refuse to take a lame excuse from you.”

  I smile, more inwardly than for her to see. I love my Gabbi. She grabs my hand and leads me to the stairs and turns before taking the first step, “We are going to go and make you look ravishing. Then we are going to Jamie’s party tonight.”

  I back up shaking my head. “Um, no parties. I don’t think I can socialize. Actually, I was about to go to bed”

  She cuts me off again, “Ever, I am not taking excuses. Remember I said that during my well - rehearsed speech. So yes, you are going and yes, you are going to have a good time.”

  I follow her reluctantly up the stairs to my bedroom. She invades my closet as I collapse onto my bed. I suddenly don’t feel so well.

  Gabbi chooses a navy blue mini-dress that still has the tags on it. I think back to that purchase. It was my mom’s attempt to get me out of jeans and make me look like a girl again. She planned a whole day around shopping right before the school year started. I think she thought this year was going to be different since I was going to be a senior and have the run of the school. Obviously she failed miserably.

  I wince as Gabbi turns, “Ever, this adorable dress still has the tags on it. What exactly a
re you waiting for?”

  I shrug because truthfully dresses don’t do it for me. I prefer my own drab style of jeans. I know Gabbi is in full force tonight and I decide not to exert the energy protesting. I know I won’t win.

  She goes all out curling my hair and choosing as she puts it, the perfect accessories; earrings and some silver bracelets to line my arms. I brave some pretty high wedges too. She swears they won’t hurt my feet. I reluctantly turn and stand in front of the mirror when she smiles and tells me her masterpiece is done.

  I look up and meet my own depressive green eyes. I have to admit, she pulled off a great feat because I definitely don’t feel the way I look. I actually look hot.

  I turn to her and give the best smile I can manage.

  “Thanks so much Gabs."

  She smiles as she hugs me and asks, “Are we ready for some fun or what?”

  I follow her out and let my mom know I am going out with Gabbi. My mom looks surprised. I think she was starting to worry a little about my sudden change in routine. Gabbi insists on driving so again, I am at her mercy.

  I ask her, “Why is Jamie having a party? I didn’t hear anything about it.”

  She frowns and tells me, “Actually Jamie tried to tell you about it but she said you ignored her when she was trying to talk to you.”

  I wince trying to remember the last time Jamie and I talked. I can’t remember. We don’t have any classes together this year so we’ve sort of drifted apart. Last year it was more the three of us than just Gabbi and I. When I wasn’t with Michael it was always Gabbi and Jamie. This year though, Michael and I broke up and Jamie started dating Blake. I know nothing about him except that he seems like a good guy and Jamie is just as occupied as I always was last year.

  Gabbi pulls me out of my reverie, “Anyway don’t worry. Jamie didn’t take it personally, especially after I told her you were still going through boy stuff."

  I nod feeling bad about blowing her off.

  Gabbi adds, “Anyway she is having the party kind of as an early celebration."

  “What are we celebrating?”

  Gabbi looks wide eyed at me, “Have you been living under a rock or something? She got into Harvard.”