The Ideal

by L. P. Maxa

  Max snorted. “You are too.” He pointed out to the dance floor, to her. “That’s your little brother’s whole world out there. Maybe she didn’t ask for the title, maybe she doesn’t even want it. It doesn’t matter. It’s all fun games right now, man. But what happens when you end up touching her? And don’t even try and tell me it’s not like that because it is. I can see it in her face, and more importantly I can see it in yours.”

  I shook my head, denying his accusations. “I wouldn’t hurt her, and I wouldn’t hurt my brother.”

  Some hipster with a beard and suspenders wrapped his arms around Savy’s waist. I took a step forward and Max shot his hand out to stop me. “Whoa, where you going?”

  I gestured with my bottle. “That guy is—”

  “Dancing with Savy.” Max pointed out. “She looks fine with it.”

  He was right. Savy was smiling, moving with the stranger to the beat of a fast-paced song. She didn’t appear scared. She didn’t look like she needed me to step in and save her like I’d been primed to do.

  Max hung his head, laughing. “You’re going to get yourself in trouble with that one, Jeremy. She’s not for you, man. She’s Nathan’s girl.”

  I clenched my teeth together. She wasn’t Nathan’s girl. She didn’t want to be. She wanted to be her own girl. She wanted to be free. When I came home this summer, I saw immediately, she was drowning. She’d been treading water for too long, and was going under.

  We were all to blame. My mom, her parents, me…we’d been sunbathing on the shore while she slowly sunk under the surface.

  I didn’t correct Max. Instead I glared daggers at the random guy who was touching her.

  My fingers tightened into a fist, the beer in my hand close to shattering in my attempt to keep my cool.

  I was already in trouble.

  Chapter Eight

  Savy

  I smiled at Max, standing on my tiptoes to give him a quick peck on his cheek. He’d made me laugh that whole way home. He was a good guy and I was happy I’d gotten to know him. “Goodnight, Max. Thank you for driving us.”

  He stepped back, waving before he took off walking the few blocks to his house. I’d had more than two beers, and so had Jeremy. Max drove us to our street and was selflessly heading home on foot. “I feel awful that he has to walk home. I should have offered him my bike.” I watched him disappear into the darkness between streetlights.

  “He’s fine, Savy.” The two of us were standing in the shadows of our houses, the patch of grass where no light penetrated, where no one could see us. “Besides, I doubt he’s walking all the way home. He usually hooks up with Mandy when he’s in town, and she lives the next street over.”

  “Really? Mandy Blane?” I shifted on my feet. “They aren’t dating? They only hang out when he’s home?”

  He smirked. “Yeah. You know, it’s, uh, casual.”

  “Like friends with benefits?” I’d never had one, but I watched plenty of movies, and read plenty of books. I understood the term, and I understood its appeal too. Although I’d never admitted that out loud to anyone.

  He nodded. “Yep. Exactly.”

  I’d never been casual with a guy, mainly because I’d never been with a guy at all. Nate and I cuddled when we watched movies and he held my hand and kissed my forehead. But I never felt anything when he did those things. No desire, no passion, no yearning for more.

  After freshman year when that one brave soul had gotten his butt kicked, no one else dared to ask me out, never mind touch me. I was suddenly envious of Max, and Mandy, and anyone else that got to do what they wanted with their bodies.

  “I think I’d like one of those.” I clamped my lips shut after the words tumbled out. It had to be the beer talking. This was not a conversation I planned on having with anyone, let alone the constantly cool Jeremy Deacon.

  “One of what?” Jeremy’s brow was furrowed, his gaze on mine. The only reason I could see his face in the dark was because we were standing close, whispering. Neither one of us said it out loud, but both of us were being careful not to get caught together.

  “Um, well, a friend with benefits. It seems like a nice arrangement and—”

  “No.”

  I jerked back at Jeremy’s clipped tone, embarrassed and confused as to why he’d shut me down like that. My confusion beat out my embarrassment, instead of shutting down I demanded an answer for his reaction. “It’s part of growing up isn’t it? It’s part of learning, and it’s part of life. I want to be kissed. More importantly I want to want to be kissed. I can’t go to college this way. They’ll eat me alive. I’ll have my heart broken before Thanksgiving.”

  I was right. I knew I was. Hooking up was part of growing up, no matter how sheltered I’d been. I needed to experience it all. I wanted to experience it all. I felt like a bird that had been let out of her cage, and I’d be damned if I let myself get locked back up without seeing the world.

  Jeremy scoffed. “What are you going to do? Hold auditions?” He was suddenly gesturing with his hands a lot, something I’d never really seen him do before. “You don’t even really know any of the guys you went to school with.”

  I shrugged. “I don’t know. Maybe Max would help me? Two casual things are better than one right?” I was mostly joking, but Jeremy definitely wasn’t laughing.

  “Max?” His jaw dropped open and his hands flew into the air again. “Are you high?”

  Well that was rude.

  “Why are you getting so upset about this?” It’s not like Jeremy wanted me for himself. He wouldn’t even dance with me tonight. Every time another guy came up to spin me around the dance floor I thought Jeremy would cut in, but he never did. Anyway, Max was cute, and kind. Plus, he apparently had lots of experience in the casual hook-up department.

  Jeremy stepped closer, if that was even possible, his spicy scent enveloping me and making my mouth water. Why did he have to be so cute, so cool, and so yummy?

  “I don’t want you to get hurt, Savy. When sex comes into the picture, emotions get involved and people get hurt.”

  I narrowed my eyes. “Isn’t that the point of a casual hook-up? To not let emotions get involved, to not get hurt? It’s not like I’m going to fall in love the second someone puts their hand up my skirt.”

  “Don’t talk like that.” Jeremy ran his fingers through his perfect hair, making it all stand up straight.

  “Like what? What is wrong with you?” I reached up and smoothed his hair into place. “You’re acting like my dad.”

  He chuckled, the sound holding little humor. “I’m really not.”

  I threw my arms wide, exasperated. “What would you call it? I can’t hook up with anyone, and I can’t talk about someone getting into my panties. Nate? Would you rather me say you’re acting like Nate? Because that one fits too.”

  He hung his head, his hands on his hips. “That’s probably closer to the mark.”

  I was still buzzed from the beer, from the high of the loud music and the crowded dance floor. That had to be why I was being so open, so honest about what I wanted. Why I was touching him. I put my hands on his cheeks, picking his head up so I could look into his eyes.

  “I want to live, Jeremy. I want to roll four years of high school into the next two months. This was your idea. Now that we’ve started, I don’t want to stop. I’ve never felt so alive as I have with you in the last few days. The lake, the dancing, the music. You can’t ask me to give it all up now.”

  “I’m not asking you to give it all up. If I was, I hope that you would tell me to fuck off. Not beg me to let you keep your freedom, to keep your life. It’s yours and only yours.” He put his hands on mine. “I don’t want to see you hurt, that’s all.”

  I dropped my hands when he dropped his. “So help me learn how not to.”

  ***

  We’d said good night an hour ago. Now I was lying in bed, staring at the stars on my ceiling. I’d barely thought about Nate all night. He’d gotten home from work ab
out thirty minutes ago. I’d seen the lights from his car as he pulled into his driveway. When my phone vibrated on my nightstand I’d known it would be him.

  You in bed?

  Yep. Jammies and teeth brushed. You just get home?

  Yeah. What’d you do tonight?

  I sighed into my darkened bedroom, knowing that never in a million years could I tell him that I’d gone to a bar with Max and Jeremy. I could never tell him that I’d danced with strangers and drank beer. I couldn’t tell him that it’d been wonderful and freeing, and that I was slowly becoming addicted to every aspect of my secret life with Jeremy. I hated lying, but I didn’t have another choice, not when it came to Nate.

  Netflix binge for one.

  You didn’t watch Penny Dreadful without me did you?

  Of course not.

  That’s my good girl.

  That’s how he saw me. That’s how everyone saw me. I was Nate’s best friend. Which made me a really good girl. I didn’t talk back. I didn’t make waves. I was a people pleaser, and the world had no idea how many times I’d saved its ass. How many times Nate’s good girl had stopped him from being really bad. I was exhausted, and overdue for a vacation.

  Sorry I’ve had to work so much lately. I have tomorrow night off, want to do something?

  Sure, that sounds fun.

  Having a movie marathon in my bed with Nate didn’t sound fun. It sounded comfortable and safe, but not fun. Lake parties and indie bands, now that was fun.

  ’Night, Sav.

  Sweet dreams, Nate.

  I’d spent the last thirty minutes feeling equal parts guilty for lying to Nate and giddy about all the adventures I’d had with Jeremy.

  I wanted Jeremy. I’d be kidding myself to say otherwise. I understood that I was nothing more than a kid in his eyes. A summer project born out of guilt to pass the time. Sure, he flirted every once in a while. Sure, I caught a glimpse of lust in his gaze a couple of times. But that was all so fleeting.

  He felt responsible for my life, or lack thereof. He was simply trying to make things right. I turned on my side, about to finally close my eyes when I noticed my phone light up again. My stomach flipped. It was probably Nate suggesting a movie for tomorrow, even though a small part of me wanted it to be Jeremy, and that small part was making big butterflies beat their wings against the walls of my stomach.

  I’m sorry about earlier tonight. I had no right to tell you what to do or to say.

  Jeremy. I was equal parts shocked and elated he texted me.

  It’s okay.

  No. It isn’t. Not at all. I’m not Nathan. I’m not here to tell you what you can and can’t do. If you want a casual hook-up then I’ll help you.

  Really? Thank you.

  We’ll start tomorrow.

  Nate wants to watch movies tomorrow night. I told him I would.

  We’ll head down to the lake in the morning, go for a run.

  Okay.

  Jeremy was going to help me find a guy to hook up with. Would that be weird? I mean, would we like make them submit references and headshots? I felt like a hook-up needed to be a little more organic than that, but hey, what the hell did I know? I’d never had a date.

  Did hook-ups date? Probably not. Then it would be dating, not hooking up. My mind was racing, because I was feeling nervous. What if the hook-up Jeremy found for me wanted to start right away? Then I’d been snuggled up with Nate after making out with some random dude. That seemed wrong. But why? Nate wasn’t my boyfriend.

  I buried my face in my pillow and let out a little scream.

  Life was a hell of a lot more complicated when you were actually living it.

  Chapter Nine

  Jeremy

  Savy looked hot as hell in her tiny spandex running shorts and her racer back tank top. Her long blonde hair was pulled back into a sleek ponytail and she was wearing a hot pink sports bra. She was a good runner. Her strides were long and her stance was relaxed. I could’ve gone past her, pushed myself harder and actually got some training in, but I was more than content to stay right by her side. We rounded a sharp turn and headed down the rocky hillside. We were almost through the trees and back at the water where we started. Nathan was working the morning shift, so I only had ’til about noon with her. Not great, but necessary. Too much time alone together wouldn’t be good for either of us.

  “It’s so hot out here.” When we came to the flat land beside the lake Savy stopped with her hands on her hips. “I’m used to running before the sun comes all the way up. This is intense.”

  Her body was covered in sweat and her face was red. I grabbed two waters from the cooler in my car, tossing her one. “The heat’s good, gets you to sweat out all those toxins.”

  She laughed. “The toxins from the three beers I had last night? If you’re going to keep dragging me out here for runs, I’m going to start drinking more alcohol.” She drained most of her water and then poured the rest down her shirt making the thin fabric stick to her body. I wanted her sports bra to spontaneously snap in two and fall to the ground.

  I licked my lips. “You ready to get started?”

  Savy looked around the lake, glanced over her shoulder, and then looked at me with a confused expression. “Uh, sure. Where are we going to hold auditions?”

  “Auditions for what?” Maybe the heat really was too much for her.

  “For my hook-up guy.”

  I let out a quick chuckle. “You thought we came out here to hold auditions so that I could find a guy for you to have a casual fling with?” I cocked my head to the side and narrowed my eyes. She couldn’t be serious, could she? I texted her last night and I thought she—

  “Yeah.” She studied the wilderness surrounding us. “I wondered how you were going to get a group of guys together so early in the morning though.”

  I shook my head. “There are no other guys here, Savy.”

  “Okay, well, where are they?” She pulled her wet shirt away from her chest, using it to fan herself.

  “There are no other guys, period.” I finished the rest of my water, trying my best to hide my laughter. She was so sweet, and so damn innocent. For sure, I was going to hell for all the ways I was about to corrupt her.

  “You said you’d help me.” She threw her arms in the air, letting them fall to slap her toned thighs.

  “I did, and I will.” I tossed my empty water bottle in the open back window of my car.

  I’d lain awake last night going over Savy’s request in my head. The thought of her with another dude pissed me the fuck off. It made me want to punch a hole in the wall. That wasn’t who I was, though. I wasn’t reactive like that. Those genetics went to Nathan. But there was something about her that made me feel a little out of control.

  The thought of her getting hurt, getting taken advantage of? No. There was no way I’d ever let something like that happen to her. It’d be like leading a lamb to slaughter. She was too good, too innocent, too pure. I barely trusted myself around her. I sure as hell didn’t trust anyone else. Certainly not anyone I knew, and absolutely not anyone she went to school with. The only other person on this planet I’d trust to keep Savy safe was my brother. She didn’t want him, not that way.

  “You want a casual fling. I’ll hook up with you.”

  I was going to end up the one hurt, the one used and then tossed aside. But I’d do it for her. I’d do anything for her. I’d spent the majority of my life with this girl on the outskirts of my world. I knew she existed, and I knew she played a major role in my brother’s life, in keeping him sane and out of trouble. I was more than happy to let her play it too. Savy being around meant I didn’t have to be the one to call him back from the edge of darkness and I could live my life the way I pleased. She was always there, always in the background standing next to Nathan. I couldn’t explain it, but the second she came to stand by me, I was a goner.

  “Jeremy…” She took two steps back, her tone wary.

  I took two steps forward. “I don’t wa
nt you to get hurt, emotionally or physically. I can’t trust that to anyone else.” I reached out and took her hand in mine, threading our fingers together. She didn’t try to pull away, and that made me smile.

  She shook her head. “If Nate ever found out it would crush him.”

  “What do you think would hurt Nathan more? Some asshole taking advantage of you, hurting you and using you, or him finding out that we had a little summer fling when we were kids? Think of the other guy. Even if he didn’t hurt you, even if you stayed friends, if Nathan found out, he’d kill him.”

  I wasn’t wrong, and I wasn’t exaggerating, I could tell by her expression she knew it was true.

  Nathan wouldn’t hurt me. I was his brother. The worst he’d do was ice me out. This brilliant idea, hooking up with Savy, was literally the stupidest thing I’d do. Ever. Said the guy who had a tattoo of a swallow two inches above his dick.

  There was no way I’d let her do this with anyone else, so...there was no backtracking. She wanted this, and I was going to give it to her. Figuratively give it to her, I mean.

  “I don’t want a pity fuck.”

  I jerked back like she’d slapped me, surprised she thought that of me and her casual use of the word fuck. “Number one, I don’t pity you. I feel for you. I empathize with you. Number two, I never once said I was going to fuck you.” I wouldn’t do that to her. I’d decided the limits of our “fling” about two minutes after I’d decided to be her “hook-up.” For Savy, having full-on sex should be something special. I’d never take that opportunity from her. It needed to go to someone she loved, someone she wanted a life with. We had no future. When the summer ended and we went our separate ways, we’d be over. It wasn’t ideal, but it was a compromise I’d force myself to live with. For her. When this summer was no more than a faded memory for Savy, I’d still have a scar on my heart since we could never be anything more. “Either you take what I’m offering, or you can go find someone else. Alone. I won’t be a part of you getting hurt.”