The Ideal

by L. P. Maxa

  She pulled her lower lip through her teeth, her eyes on where our hands were connected. “I don’t want you to, um, I just, uh, I don’t want you to do something you don’t want to. Okay? I know I’m not your type, and I know I’m just a kid in your eyes and—”

  I pulled her to me, snaking my hand behind her neck, and put my lips on hers. I let go of her hand and put my palm right above her perfect toned ass. I pressed her body against mine, letting her feel exactly how much she was so my type I couldn’t’ve conjured up anyone better.

  After a few long moments holding her to me, I pulled back slightly, keeping her body right where it was. “Savy, you are gorgeous. You are funny and you’re smart. You have a wild streak in you about a mile wide that’s begging to be let loose, baby. I want you. Even though I shouldn’t, even though it’s wrong. I want to touch you, kiss you, fucking taste you. Don’t ever for a second think that this is me doing you a favor. This is me doing myself one.”

  “So you’re really going to be my fling?” Her question was spoken in a soft whisper.

  I nodded. “Two months. You and I doing whatever you want to do for the next sixty days. Then I leave for school, and so do you and Nathan.” We had an end date. We’d go into this knowing it wasn’t forever. I told myself it would make it all so much easier. Yeah. Like I believed that. “You game?” This was the stupidest, most dangerous thing I’d done in my entire life. Yet, I was fucking pumped.

  “Yes.” She answered me without hesitation, her response like air across my lips.

  I fused my mouth back to hers, my hands on her jaw. I nipped at her lower lip that she loved to bite so much. I used her tiny gasp of shock to my advantage, slipping my tongue in her mouth. I angled her head back, towering over her and taking our kiss deeper. Her hands fisted in my shirt, pulling me closer.

  “Tell me how far you want to go today, wild one?” I needed to know my limit, because the longer I kissed her, the more I wanted. She might be new at this, but kissing her...it was the best kiss of my life.

  “Keep kissing me, please.”

  I walked her backward, into the cool shade of the woods. It was hot outside, and getting hotter by the second. I pushed her against a large tree and then started devouring her. This time I let my hands roam all over her tight body. I touched every strip of skin I could find. I would’ve gladly spent the rest of my day sweating in this sun if it meant I got to keep kissing Savy. I wanted more, I wanted to taste all of her. I wanted her naked in the water. I wanted—”

  “Crap. Hold on, My cell keeps going off.” She pulled her phone out of the band of her shorts. “It’s Nate. He’s called five times.”

  I rested my forehead against hers, panting. From being turned on, and from the restraint of not taking this make out session any further. “You should answer.”

  Or you should throw your cell in the lake.

  Her gaze darted to mine as she slowly brought her phone to her ear. “Hey, Nate. What’s up?”

  My hand shot out, grabbing her cell and putting it on speaker phone. I wasn’t sure why, but suddenly I was irritated at the thought of them sharing a conversation I wasn’t part of. My tongue had been in her mouth seconds ago. Surely, this possessive feeling would subside...eventually. She shot me a funny look, but didn’t switch it back.

  “What are you doing? Why are you so out of breath?” My brother sounded concerned, not jealous. Which made me feel like an ass, but didn’t stop me from smiling. I’d made her breathless. I dipped down and placed a kiss on her collarbone and her head fell back against the tree trunk with a soft thunk.

  “I just got back from a run.” She licked her lips and I held her wrist, pushing her hand and the phone farther away from us. I kissed her. I couldn’t help it. She put her free hand on my lower back and pulled my pelvis against hers. I whispered, “Do what feels good, wild one,” against the shell of her ear. She was a quick study.

  “You went for a run alone?” Typical Nathan.

  She brought her phone back to where Nathan could hear us, and I backed away. “It’s daylight.”

  “You should’ve asked Jeremy to go with you. I don’t like you running alone. What if you get hurt? Or what if someone tries to take you?” I raised my eyebrows in shock.

  He must be really worried if he wanted me to go with her. His concern was ridiculous in the extreme. She was an adult running in the daylight. Of course I wouldn’t want her running in the woods alone, but for all Nathan knew she was running in our neighborhood.

  “Next time. But I’m home, safe and sound. No kidnapping attempts, no broken bones.” She looked away from her phone and caught me staring. She smiled. I put my mouth back to her ear. Hang up now Savy, I’m not finished kissing you. “Is that why you called?” She was clearly irritated, but she’d never let him know it. Her tone sounded even and friendly.

  “No, I called to let you know that I got the end of my shift covered. I’ll be home in about an hour. Maybe we can do lunch before our movie?”

  She kept her eyes on mine. I knew what she was thinking. She wanted me to tell her to tell him no. She wanted me to beg her to stay here with me a little bit longer. I wasn’t going to do that. That wasn’t what this was. Savy wasn’t my girlfriend. She wasn’t mine to keep. I wouldn’t ruin my brother’s life over this fling. No one would get hurt on my watch. If Savy wanted to deny my brother, she was going to have to do it on her own accord. She’d need to find that strength inside herself. Getting it from me wouldn’t help her break the Nathan cycle she’d lived for years.

  I stayed silent. She dipped her head, breaking our eye contact. “Yeah, Nate. That sounds great. Text me when you get home and I’ll meet you outside.”

  “See you soon, Sav.”

  She hung up and let her arm fall to her side. “I guess you better get me home then.” Her tone was clipped, short even. A tone I’d never heard her take with anyone else. It didn’t bother me. I loved it. She could be irritated and pissed off. She could be whatever she wanted to be around me. No eggshells to walk on here.

  I grabbed her hand, all but dragging her to my car. Once she was in and her seat belt was fastened I fish tailed away from the lake shore. I was speeding, and I intended to keep speeding until I pulled into my driveway.

  “Why are you driving so fast? Can’t wait to get rid of me?” She kept her gaze trained out the passenger side window.

  I reached over and put my hand on her upper thigh, giving it a soft squeeze. “It takes fifteen minutes to get home, ten if I drive like this. Which gives us a good ten minutes to park the car, and sneak into your empty house.

  “When I said I wasn’t done kissing you, I meant it, baby.”

  Chapter Ten

  Savy

  He called me baby. I freaking melted. For years I’d been waiting for him to see me that way. I kept quiet and kept my hands to myself on the drive home, but I was itching to touch him, to kiss him again. I was shocked that Jeremy had decided to be my hook-up and that he actually wanted me. That I turned him on. It made me feel powerful, and it made me feel alive. Which was exactly what he wanted for me, and what I wanted for myself.

  He threw the car in park and then jogged around to my door, opening it and pulling me out. We ran like two little kids, hand in hand to my house. Through the front door, up sixteen stairs and then into my bedroom. The room that I’d slept in since I was six years old when my parents bought this house. The bed on which I watched movies with Nate.

  “You know, for someone who has only been kissed once in eighteen years, you’re a good kisser Savannah Nightingale.” Jeremy twirled me around and then backed me up against my closed bedroom door, capturing my mouth with his once again.

  He kissed me until I was breathless, then he began placing pecks along the column of my throat. I laughed. “You know I have a bed. Wouldn’t that be much more comfortable than this door?” I swallowed hard, trying to keep my composure while he tortured me with his mouth. This make-out session had turned my brain foggy.

&
nbsp; “Mmmm, yes it would be.” His hands grabbed my butt cheeks, pulling me tighter against him. “But if we move to the bed, if we get comfortable, I’ll be tempted to take things further.”

  I bit my lip to keep from letting out a moan when his thumb brushed over my nipple through my shirt. Everything on my body felt so sensitive. “We can do that. We can take things further.”

  He shook his head, his nose brushing against my chest as he kissed lower. “We really can’t. We’re about out of time, and the next step is one of my favorites. To do it properly, I need to be able to go slow. To take my time.”

  His lips moved back to mine. He was towering over me again so he could kiss me deeper. Now I knew what lust felt like, and longing. This was what it meant to want someone. To want to be touched and tasted. The beer, the music, the dancing. The freedom. Of all the experiences Jeremy had gifted me so far, this was my favorite one.

  “Sav. You up there?”

  Jeremy and I both froze at the sound of Nate’s voice coming from downstairs. I hadn’t heard him pull in, and I hadn’t heard the front door open. I was so completely consumed with Jeremy and what he was making me feel, everything else had fallen away.

  I met his gaze. I was panicked, he seemed less affected but still shaken.

  He put his lips to my ear and whispered. “Tell him you’re changing and you’ll be right down.”

  I turned and cracked my door enough to stick my head out. “Hey, I’m changing, I’ll be down in a sec.”

  “Okay. Take your time, I’m going to grab a glass of water.”

  I shut the door, throwing the lock and then sagging against it. I picked my head up to find Jeremy at my closet, going through my clothes. “What are you doing?”

  He turned to look at me over his shoulder, his hands still on my clothes. “I’m trying to find you something to wear, you don’t want to keep Nathan waiting, do you?” His voiced sounded strained, like he wasn’t pleased with the interruption.

  I wanted to think it was because he wanted to stay, but it probably had more to do with the fact that his brother almost caught us.

  “I’m not changing with you in here.” I knew that part of hooking up would be him seeing me naked. But I was sweaty and gross and I wasn’t ready for that moment to happen yet.

  “Well, I can’t leave. He’ll see me. You can’t go down there in your running clothes because then he’ll know you lied to him.” He put his hands on his hips, his eyes wide.

  I grabbed the outfit he’d pulled out and made a spinning motion with my finger. “Turn around?” He did what I asked and I changed as quickly as I could. A long red and white striped t-shirt and a pair of shorts. The longest pair of shorts I owned. My grandma had bought them for me. I looked like a character in “Where’s Waldo” but I didn’t have time to be picky. I ran around my room, found my shoes and put on fresh deodorant. When I had my hand on the door to leave, Jeremy put his palms on my hips and pulled me back against him.

  His nose ran from my neck to my ear, his soft breath sending chills down my spine. “I’ll come running with you and Nathan in the morning, okay?”

  I nodded. “Okay.”

  I went to pull the door open and he put his palm out to stop me. “Turn around, Savy.” When I did, he dipped down and kissed me one last time. Stealing the air from my lungs and the sense from my brain. I sagged against him.

  I didn’t want to leave. I wanted more of this. I wanted to kiss him until I fell asleep from sheer exhaustion.

  He moved away all too soon.

  “Have fun, wild one.”

  ***

  The car ride with Nate was nothing like my rides with Jeremy. Nate was quiet, the radio turned down low. When he spoke it wasn’t his voice fighting against the wind of an open window. Not that Nate was all that talkative in the first place. When we were kids, Nate once went three whole weeks without saying a single word to anyone. The only person he’d communicate with was me, using his tiny block script on a dry erase board I kept in my room.

  What had finally broken his silence was me falling off my bike. I’d broken my wrist and he’d screamed for my parents. I was crying so hard he’d been afraid to pick me up and carry me home like he normally would have. After that, he started talking again like nothing had happened. No one thought to ask him why he’d stopped speaking in the first place. It was simply Nate’s way.

  This silence today seemed loaded. Heavy. Like there was more to it than his odd personality traits. He’d been quiet when we were seated at one of our favorite restaurants, quieter than he normally was. I was afraid he was picking up on my mood, afraid he could sense the change in me.

  “Hey, you okay? You seem distracted.” Nate wasn’t eating his food. He was more or less pushing it around on his plate. If one of us was distracted, it should be me. I kept replaying my morning with Jeremy over and over in my head on a loop filled with elation and guilt in equal measure. My lips could still feel Jeremy’s kisses, and my body heated from the memory of his hands on me.

  “I’m worried about next year, about school. I don’t want to be without you, Sav, I can’t imagine us not being together all the time.” He finally took a large bite of his burger as if getting his concerns off his chest gave him the will to eat.

  I hated the uncertainty in his voice, and, as usual I had the strong urge to comfort him. It was ingrained in me, a part of who I was. Make Nate feel better, make Nate feel cared for, make Nate sane. What about Savy never crossed my mind.

  “Hey, you know I love you, right?” I waited for him to nod, and he did, once. “You and I, we’re family. We’ll still talk all the time. We can see each other on weekends and school breaks. You know I want what’s best for you, and what’s best for you is Yale.”

  “Where you are is best for me.” The emotion in his voice, the yearning, it made my heart hurt, and it made me feel like a jerk for sneaking around behind his back. I wasn’t deceitful by nature, and lying to Nate felt wrong on so many levels. But I wouldn’t give up Jeremy, and I wouldn’t give up the freedom I’d experienced these last few days. Not for anything or anyone. I knew that now without a doubt. It was time for me to take a selfish, to quote another show we’d binged together over the years.

  “No, what’s best for you is Yale. What’s best for me is Emerson.” I smiled at him, reaching across the table and taking his hand while trying once again to reassure him that I wasn’t abandoning him. “Nothing is going to change between us, no matter how far apart we live.”

  I was feeling stifled. I was longing for a life that wasn’t run by Nate’s moods and fits. I did love him. He’d been my best friend for as long as I could remember. I’d never cut him out, I’d never leave him to fend for himself. I wasn’t deserting him. I was asking for a little space to learn who I was.

  “What if I want something to change?” he said softly, but with determination. “Something between us.”

  I stopped breathing. Time stood utterly still and trepidation started creeping through my veins like a poison. I sent up a silent prayer to god, to the universe, to anyone who was listening. Please don’t let this be happening, not after all this time. I couldn’t have Nate tell me he wanted more. If he did, if he spoke those damning words out loud, my life was over.

  I swallowed thickly, leaning forward forcing a small smile on my face. “What?” I pretended like I hadn’t heard him. I pretended like my whole world wasn’t moments away from completely shattering. I played dumb, and hoped he’d chose to let his question go.

  He stared at me, his dark eyes searching my face. His hand was still holding mine across the table, his thumb moving gently back and forth across my wrist. I worked hard as hell not to let my fear show.

  Eventually, he shook his head. “Nothing. It was nothing.”

  Quietly, I let out the breath I’d been holding, thankful to let his words float off into the atmosphere and dissolve into nothingness.

  If Nate truly wanted more we were all in trouble.

  I squeezed
his hand. “We have two months to hang out. One last summer to enjoy being right next door to each other. Let’s stop thinking about the fall and enjoy our time together, okay?” I drew in a deep inhale, trying to calm my erratic pulse. I felt like I’d dodged a bullet aimed right at my heart.

  He nodded and then ate everything on his plate and what was left on mine. Nate had to go to Yale, there was no other option. I was going to Emerson.

  I couldn’t live the next four years the way I’d lived the last twelve.

  After lunch we went to my house and climbed into my bed. Nate suggested we finish the final season of Penny Dreadful. He laid behind me, his body pressed right up against mine. Tighter than usual. There had been more than one time over the last few hours he’d brushed the hair off my neck or rubbed his hand on my stomach. It didn’t feel the same as when Jeremy touched me. I didn’t long for more. I didn’t crave Nate’s kisses.

  He’d never tried to take things further, and he’d never acted like he wanted anything intimate. Why now? I wondered if I was doing something to make him react this way. Maybe he sensed my attention was elsewhere. I didn’t think he could he tell I’d spent the whole morning lusting after someone who wasn’t him. Maybe he felt an urgency to get closer since summer was all we had left before we went our separate ways. Maybe it was his fear of the unknown, of being without me next year. My brain was going in a million different directions, I couldn’t even concentrate on the show we were watching.

  Eventually, thankfully, he fell asleep.

  I felt like I could relax for the first time since he’d quietly told he’d wanted more, and then had taken it back. Probably because of the way I reacted.

  Chapter Eleven

  Jeremy

  I was lying in my bed, reading the Great Gatsby, counting down the minutes until my brother came through the front door. It was midnight now. He’d been with Savy for twelve hours. I wasn’t jealous, I was worried about him smothering her. I knew she felt trapped, and I was sure being with him for that long was difficult, especially since for the first time in their long-ass friendship, she had to lie to him about how she’d been spending her time. About her day. I knew it’d hurt her to do it. She was a good person with a kind heart. She cared about my little brother. Unfortunately, she cared about him more than she cared about herself.