The Ideal
Page 15
Of course I didn’t need to, but I wanted to. I wanted to stay with Jeremy until he was released, and then I wanted to drive him home and tuck him into bed. I wanted to watch him breathe. I wanted to sleep in his arms. But. The best thing for everyone involved was for me to let Nate take me home. It’d keep him away from his brother. Maybe we could start to rebuild our friendship.
“No.” Jeremy crossed his arms over his chest, his gaze trained on Nate. “You should both stay. We can watch a movie. I need the company.”
Nate’s jaw clenched. My stomach rolled at the tension between them. And their mom kept on fluffing those stupid fucking flowers. I wanted to scream. I wanted to demand she wake up and realize there was a storm brewing right in front of her face.
Nate glared at his older brother. “One movie.” He grabbed the recliner his mom had been using the last couple of days and moved it away from the hospital bed. “Here Savy.” He pulled his chair next to mine, both of us more than a few feet away from Jeremy. His point was made, he was still pissed, and he was in charge.
“Well since you two are here, I’m going to run to the grocery store.” Mrs. Deacon moved Jeremy’s dark hair and placed a kiss on his forehead. “I want you to have all your favorite things to eat at home.”
“Thanks mom.” Jeremy smiled until the door shut behind her, then turned to his brother. “Leave.”
“Are you high?” Nate didn’t joke, he was honestly asking if Jeremy was high. I was a little curious myself. I’d never heard him openly try to piss off his brother before, especially when it came to me.
No one had ever demanded to be alone with me. No one had ever demanded Nate give me up.
“Leave, or I call the doctors in here and tell them what really happened in Savy’s bedroom.” Jeremy crossed his arms over his chest, his chin raised. He wasn’t backing down and he wasn’t bluffing.
I glanced over at Nate, then back to Jeremy. I was sitting between them, and the metaphor wasn’t lost on me. I loved them both, but I was in love with only one of them.
Nate was standing, straight as a board, his whole body tensed and ready to coil. “You get one hour, and then I’m coming to take Sav home. You push me, I tell her parents I caught you fucking her.”
I flinched at his words. I’d never heard Nate speak like that about me, so callous and cold. I was the one person in the world that he cared about, that he was soft and careful with. Twelve years friendship. No. More than friendship. Twelve years of me taking care of Nate. Bending and yielding to Nate. Turning my life inside out for Nate, and he’d shit on me to keep Jeremy away.
I didn’t care if he told my parents. I was eighteen and weeks away from starting college.
Nate had changed the playing field, and I didn’t think he’d like my new rules.
Chapter Twenty-Seven
Jeremy
I was alive, I was awake, and I had Savy lying in my arms. I knew my world was fucked, but at the moment, I didn’t care. I didn’t care Nathan was hurt. I didn’t care he was pissed. I’d have done it all over again, every single thing, if it meant that I’d end up with Savannah. Sure, if I’d told Nathan the truth when it all started and deal with the fallout then, before he caught her wearing my shirt at seven o’clock in the morning, that would’ve been a better approach. It didn’t change how I felt. I’d never give her up.
I’d known Savannah Nightingale for most of her life. Yeah, I was a fucking idiot for not realizing how spectacular she was until this summer. The girl next door, my brother’s savior, my only love. I was consumed with every single thing about her. Her long silky hair, and the way she blushed so easily. The way she sang along to the radio, and the way she looked in the moonlight. The way she kissed and the sounds she made when she came apart in my arms. I was in love with every moment we’d spent together. I’d do everything in my power to make sure she was mine forever.
We were young, I knew that. She needed to go to college, and I needed to finish my degree. But there would never be another girl for me. We’d lived a lot in our short years, endured even more. She’d spent years as Nathan’s keeper, and I’d spent my whole life until I went to college avoiding saying or doing anything to upset him. We’ve both been trapped by his moods and whims. Now we were free, and I refused to go back to the way it was before.
I forgave my brother for knocking me out. I’d have done the same thing if I thought I lost Savy. Strangling me was a little much. But that was Nathan. Prison wasn’t were he belonged, it wouldn’t do him or society any good. He needed help, real professional help. Although I wouldn’t call the police, I had every intention of telling my mom the truth. Savy’s parents too. They needed to know that Nathan wasn’t good for her. How they didn’t see that was unfuckingbelievable. They all needed to understand that she couldn’t and shouldn’t be in charge of him anymore.
I didn’t think he’d physically hurt her, but her sanity and her soul were at stake, and doing any more damage to her sense of self was unacceptable.
“What are you thinking about?” She turned on her side, smiling up at me. “You’ve been quiet. Are you feeling okay?”
“I’m perfect.” I kissed her lips, swiping my tongue against the seam. “I’m ready to get out of here. Ready for this summer to be over.” Her expression fell, her eyes darting to the crisp white sheets between us. I put my finger under her chin, lifting her gaze back to mine. “I’m ready to move back to school. I’m ready for you to move too. I want weekends alone with you. I want date nights and Facetime calls. I want to be with you, away from everything here that tried to keep us apart.”
She bit at her lower lip, her eyes filling with tears. “Nate told me was going to Emerson.” She wiped them away, like they made her angry. “I should switch schools. I should go to Yale. By the time he realizes what I’ve done, it’ll be too late.”
“No.” I renewed a vow I’d made to myself mere minutes ago. Nathan wouldn’t control her life anymore. I was not about to let him push Savy away from me, and away from what she wanted for her future. “You’re going to Emerson.” I licked my lips, staring at the door to make sure he wasn’t out there spying on us. “I’m going to talk to my mom, and I’m going to talk to your parents. I’ll tell them what happened. I’ll tell them why it happened. It’s time. They need to know. Nathan needs help, and you need to be far away from him.”
Savy’s gaze darted to the door, clearly wary as I was. “You think it’ll work? You think they’ll help?”
I couldn’t blame her for having no faith in the three parents we had between us. They’d never helped her before. They’d never stepped in and put a stop to Nathan’s overbearing friendship. They were more than happy to let her do all the dirty work.
“Honestly, I don’t know.” I hated saying that to her, I hated that it was the truth. I didn’t know for sure if my mom would rise to the occasion and get Nathan to the right doctors. I didn’t know if Savy’s parents would help her. I didn’t know if they’d be pissed that I upset the precarious balance they’d established at the expense of a sweet girl.
All I knew was that I told Savy I’d help her be free, and I wasn’t going to let her down.
I cupped her beautiful face. “You and I, we’re a team. We’re going to figure this out, baby. You’re going to Emerson, and I’m going back to Northeastern. I’m going to take you on corny dates, and I’m going to fuck you in your tiny dorm room. Everything is going to be all right.”
“I love you.” Her face lit up as she spoke those words. “You said it before everything went bad, and I wanted you to know, I love you too.” I kissed her lips, groaning when she opened for me.
I wanted to get out of here. I wanted to be back in her bedroom, the door locked and our whispers as quiet as possible. I wanted to hold her, really hold her.
“Sav.” Nathan was standing in the open doorway, backlit from the fluorescents in the hallway. His jaw was clenched tight, his hands in fists at his sides, his gaze as dark as it’d been when he was choking me
a few days ago. He was pissed all over again. He didn’t like me touching her, and he didn’t like me kissing her for fucking sure. “Let’s go.” He was barely controlling his desire to pounce on me, and it seemed as though it was taking all the strength he possessed to keep his shit in check.
Savy leaned forward, her lips brushing against the shell of my ear. “I told him if he ever hurt you again, I would never speak to him again.”
Well that explained the contained rage swimming in his eyes. “Don’t go. It’s not worth it, baby. We’ll figure this out—”
“Sav, now.” He held out his hand, like he was waiting for a child to obey his command. “Let’s go.”
I didn’t want her leave, especially with him. I didn’t think he’d hurt her, but that didn’t mean that I wanted her alone with him. He’d crossed a line, and he needed help. He’d always been unpredictable, and given to extreme behavior, but now? He was off the hook. His reactions to other people were known, if not acceptable, but this was the first time he’d gone after someone he loved.
“It’s okay.” She kissed my cheek, speaking softly so only I could hear. “There’s nothing we can do to help him with you lying in a hospital bed. Get some rest and we’ll figure everything out once you’re home.”
I nodded. My heart physically aching as she climbed off my bed and followed my brother out the door, once again, sacrificing herself.
Chapter Twenty-Eight
Jeremy
I hated Savy left with Nathan. I hated she wasn’t lying here next to me. I wanted her to stay. To sleep in my arms where I could keep her safe and sane. She’d made a good point though, my being in this bed useless wasn’t going to help Nathan. I needed to heal, and I needed to talk to our parents. I needed strength for the discussions that should’ve been had years ago. I lay my head back and grinned. My pillow still smelled like Savy’s sweet scent.
“Hey man, you good for a visit?” Max poked his head into the open doorway, a smile on his face.
I waved him inside. “I’m betting you can’t wait to say ‘I told you so.’”
“The ‘I told you so’ is implied.” He pulled the guest chair closer to my bedside. “What the fuck happened, bro?”
I sighed, studying one of my oldest friends, glad he was here. “Nathan walked in on me and Savy.”
“He caught you two...” He made a lewd motion with his hand.
“Morning after, but it was obvious what’d happened between us.”
“He went nuts, attacked you and put you into a coma.” He shook his head. “How is he still walking around? How is he not behind bars right now? He fucking attacked you.”
No shit. I’d never forget it as long as I lived. “He’s my brother. He needs help. He doesn’t belong in prison. Savy told the EMT I fell, and when the cops questioned me I told them the same thing.”
“You were in a coma for almost three days.”
I shrugged knowing nothing I said could make this sound all right. “The docs said that was more emotional healing than physical.” Apparently having your brother try to kill you fucked with your brain on many levels.
Max scoffed. “You sound as crazy as he acts, you know that, right?” I nodded. “You’re in love with her?”
“Head over heels, man.”
“Why now?”
Valid, but irrelevant at this point. “For the first time, I saw her for who she is. I saw her. She was drowning. Losing her soul under the weight of all thing Nathan, which was partly my fault.”
“You feel like you owe her? Is that it?”
“No.” I shook my head. “It has nothing to do with owing her. She makes me want to be a man worth her love. There’s so much goodness in her, so much light. I want her to live in that light.”
“I get that,” Max said. “Who wouldn’t want that for the girl they love.”
The nurse stepped in, setting a pitcher of water and a small cup on my tray. “Visiting hours are almost over.” She smiled at Max and he winked at her as she left.
“You really going to make a move on my nurse?” I laughed, waving him away. “Get out of here, man. I need my rest.”
He stood, clapping his hand with mine. “I’m happy for you and Savy. I really am.”
“Thanks, bro.” It felt good having someone rooting for us who was on our side and wanted to see us make it. “Come by the house before you head back to the west coast.”
“You know it.” He rubbed his palms together. “I’m going to go see what time that cute little nurse gets off.” He winked on his way out the door making me chuckle.
I rested against my pillows glad he’d stopped by. Sometimes having an old friend was a giant pain in the ass, but most times, it was exactly what I needed.
Chapter Twenty-Nine
Savy
My parents weren’t home when Nate and I made it back to my house. They’d texted to let me know they were taking Mrs. Deacon to dinner, to help her decompress from the last few trying days. If only they knew the truth, they wouldn’t be out celebrating Jeremy’s recovery.
The worst was yet to come. Jeremy wanted to have Nate committed, and after what I’d witness in my bedroom, I agreed it was time. It’d taken everything in me to get him to let go of his brother’s neck, to stop slamming his head into the floor. Then, the way he reacted with me at the hospital yesterday, I was pretty sure was the first time he’d flipped his switch with me.
Nate was livid, catching me and Jeremy together, knowing that we’d been intimate. He hated that Jeremy loved me, and he hated even more that I loved him back. I couldn’t blame Nate for his feelings, but I could for his actions. Nate understood right from wrong, I knew he did. He understood rules and the things that could get him into trouble. He simply didn’t care.
He’d been quiet on the drive home from the hospital. He wasn’t being rude, or cruel. Pensive, and intense. Which was more terrifying. He’d been irritated when he dragged me out of Jeremy’s room, and I expected him to have more questions. Instead, I was met with silence and that made my nervous about what he was thinking.
I was exhausted and I needed some space. “I’m going to bed.” I left him by the front door, thinking it was clear that he needed to let himself out as I headed up the stairs. But when I opened my bedroom door, I realized that he was behind me. He’d silently followed me to my room. “What are you doing Nate? Go home.”
I was getting stronger every day, voicing my wants and opinions. I couldn’t help but wonder who would the two of us be if I’d started to do this years ago. Would Jeremy have even felt the need to liberate me? No. I wouldn’t have needed help in the attic. I wouldn’t’ve been swimming in the Deacon’s pool with desperation pulsing off of me. Maybe I’d have Jeremy in my life, maybe Nate would have received the help he needed. All the speculation in the world didn’t change where we were now. There was no way to know the outcome of what ifs, and time travel didn’t exist. These were the cards that were dealt, the cards I’d held in my hand for so long. This was our life, but it wasn’t going to be anymore.
He shook his head slowly, shutting the door behind him and throwing the lock. “No, I’m going to stay.”
I wrapped my arms around my body, fighting off the chill his tone engendered. I’d heard him use that disconnected pitch with other people, but never with me, never before. “I don’t want you to stay.” I pushed strength in my voice and lifted my chin. “Please, get out.”
“I told you, I can give you what you want.” He stepped closer, crowding my space, making me back away until I had nowhere else to go but out the window. “You said that you weren’t ready, but I saw you with my brother and you lied. You are ready. I wanted to go slow. I wanted to be what you wanted me to be. But now that I know what you want, I can give you those things too.”
I bit my cheek. “I don’t want those things with you Nate.” I hated to hurt him, to reject him like that again, but he wasn’t leaving me another option. “You’re my best friend, but that’s all. Nothing more.”
Everything. “He’s my boyfriend.”
“How long have you been lying to me?” That tone, I didn’t like it. I felt like he was removing himself from me, taking all the love he had for me and stripping it away. I was sure he thought I deserved it for deceiving him.
My thoughts were all over the place: guilt and remorse, fear and newfound strength. I was a mess of emotions and feelings. I’d hurt him, and I was conditioned to sooth him, to placate and not make waves. That was the past. No more lies, even if we drowned in the fallout.
“I’ve been seeing Jeremy since the night he helped me in the attic.” I took a deep breath, gathering courage. “We started spending time together as friends, and it developed into something more. We were going to tell you the morning you walked in and found us. We didn’t want to hurt you, but we both knew you weren’t going to take it well. We were cowards for too long. For that, and only that, I am sorry.”
Nate reached down, picking up the baseball he’d left with me all those years ago, and then hurled it across the room shattering the mirror above my dresser. I flinched as broken glass showered the framed pictures of us that lined the top.
I needed to get out of here, I knew that now. I never should’ve gone upstairs without insisting he leave and locking the front door. There weren’t enough apologies in the world that would fix this.
The Nate I’d known all my life had retreated inside himself the moment he’d seen me with his brother. The Nate standing before me was who everyone else got. The violent unpredictable Nate, the one who didn’t care who he wounded. The one who could never think past his anger. I hadn’t recognized it before because I didn’t want to. I didn’t want to believe that my love for Jeremy had broken his brother so completely.
I stepped forward, moving to shove past him and out the door. I was already racing for the front door and dialing the police in my mind. Instead of the break for freedom I’d envisioned, Nate grabbed my arm and tossed me like a ragdoll onto my bed. He pinned me down, his hands yanking my wrists above my head. His eyes were black, there was nothing left of the boy I’d saved over and over again. The boy I’d sacrificed my entire childhood for.