The Ideal

by L. P. Maxa

  “We’re, uh, we’ve been hanging out.” I winced, hating how stupid that sounded. It was more than that, and not owning up to it tore at my heart. “We’re together.” Even that sounded shallow. I felt things for Savy. Things I’d never felt for anyone else. What started out as a favor to a girl who never got the chance to live ended up as something so much more. “I’m in love with her. I know that hurts you.”

  “Hurts me?”

  “Jeremy, please go.” Savy was still only wearing my shirt, her arms stretched out between us, the material kissing the tops of her bare thighs. “Let me talk to him, let me deal with this.”

  My gaze met hers, earnest and terrified. She was telling me to leave, she was giving me an out. She’d stay here. She’d calm my brother. She’d smooth the rage I saw boiling inside of him. I was wrong to think he would never hurt me. I was wrong to think that we wouldn’t hurt him.

  If I walked out of this room, if I left her to fix yet another Nathan tantrum, I was no better than my parents, or than hers. I wouldn’t do that to her, not today and not ever again. “No, baby, I’m not going anywhere.”

  Nathan leapt across the room, knocking Savy down onto her bed. The sheets were still rumbled from the way I took her before the sun came up. His hands fastened around my throat, his body weight crashing on top of me until we were both on the floor of her room. “Call her baby one more time and see what happens.” He slammed my head against the carpet, making me see stars. “She’s not yours.” Nathan swallowed, his gaze darting from me to the gorgeous terrified girl shaking beside us. “You had no right to touch her, to talk to her, to defile her. She’s mine. She’s always been mine.” He slammed my head against the carpet again, the pain not even registering with my brain yet. “Tell him Savy, tell him you’re mine.”

  I rolled my attention to the side, watching helplessly as tears streaked down her face, seeing the fear in her beautiful eyes. She nodded, slowly getting to her feet. “You’re right Nate.” Her hand cautiously reached out rubbing his arm. “I’m yours. I’m yours and I should have never let him touch me.”

  After everything she’d said yesterday, all the truths she wanted to tell him, she was lying to save us. I couldn’t let her. If she convinced him to let me go, it would come at I price I refused to let her pay. Her freedom and her love, which was worth more to me than anything. She was fighting for me, but I would fight harder for her.

  “Savy, no.” I grabbed at his hands, trying to pry them from my throat. I took a deep breath, trying to clear the blurred edges of my mind. “I’m in love with her.”

  Nathan’s hold tightened, my attempts no match for his strength fueled by anger and betrayal. We both looked over at Savy, wanting to see two very different things. He wanted to know that my emotions were one-sided, that she had a small lapse in judgment and that she would always belong to him.

  I wanted to know that she heard me, that she believed my words were true, and that she knew I’d never leave her alone with her burden again.

  I smiled when I saw it, Savy’s answer.

  And then my world went dark.

  Chapter Twenty-Five

  Savy

  I’d called the paramedics, and made Nate go home before they turned onto our street. I tried to save the man I was in love with, and protect the friend I’d always loved. I couldn’t lose them, either of them. I’d told the EMT that Jeremy fell, that he’d tripped and hit is head on my desk on his way down. I didn’t know if I did the right thing. I was so used to protecting Nate, it seemed to be a habit I was unable to break.

  For two days I’d been at the hospital, sitting across from Nate on opposite sides of Jeremy’s hospital bed. My parents came and went all day, bringing food and clothes and coffee. Their mother slept in the recliner in the corner, the doctors had to give her medicine to help her calm down.

  Jeremy had a concussion from Nate slamming his head into the ground, and he’d lost consciousness when Nate had strangled him. It’d taken me a couple of minutes to pull Nate off, to start CPR while I had the emergency operator on the phone.

  The doctor said his brain function looked good, and his vitals were strong. He was healing, and they said he would wake up when he was ready.

  “I’m going to the cafeteria, for coffee.” Mrs. Deacon got to her feet and kissed my cheek before leaving Nate alone with me for the first time since Jeremy was admitted. She’d never asked me why Jeremy was in my room so early in the morning. Neither had my parents.

  “Sav.” Nate’s voice sounded rough from lack of use, I hadn’t heard him speak in forty eight hours. “I did this.”

  I glanced up, meeting his dark gaze across his brother’s body. People at school made fun of Nate, they said he had a serial killer’s eyes, that they held no emotion. But that wasn’t true. There was plenty to see, you just had to know what to search for. Right now I could see remorse, a little fear, and love. I always saw love when I looked in Nate’s eyes.

  I cleared my throat, hoarse from the silent tears that never seemed to stop falling. “Yes, Nate, you did this.” I reached for Jeremy’s hand, squeezing it and silently prayed for him to squeeze mine back. “But I did this too. I should have been honest with you. I should have told you what was going on with Jeremy.”

  We had been too late. We’d come to our senses too late. I knew Nate wouldn’t react well if he ever found me and Jeremy together. I knew Nate would be hurt and jealous and viciously angry. But for once in my life, I’d been selfish. I’d shoved those thoughts and their consequences to the icky file in my brain and given in to everything Jeremy offered. I’d fallen in love with the boy next door. Unfortunately for all of us, it was the wrong one.

  “I hurt my brother.”

  I sighed, nodding slowly. “Yes, Nate, you hurt your brother.” I let go of Jeremy’s hand and stood, rounding the foot of his bed to stand at Nate’s side. “I hurt you, and Jeremy hurt you. And then you hurt the three of us.” I pointed down to Jeremy. “Jeremy will wake up.” I wiped a tear off my cheek. “He will forgive you because he loves you that much.” I cleared my throat and he looked up so he’d see my determination. “I will forgive you because I know I broke your heart. But Nate, if you ever touch your brother in anger again, I will walk out of your life and never ever come back. Do you understand me?”

  He nodded, one small tear escaping and sliding down his cheek. I’d never seen him cry, even when their father passed away. “I won’t hurt him again, I promise.” He stood and wrapped his arms around me. “It’s all over now.”

  I stiffened in his embrace. “What’s all over now?” I’d learned my lesson when it came to what he was saying and what he actually meant. No more blurred lines. No more uncertainty.

  “You and Jeremy.” My heart was pounding as Nate’s tone sounded cooler than it had moments before. “We all leave in a few weeks. Jeremy back to Northeastern and us at Emerson. It was a summer fling. You didn’t mean for it to get serious.” His hands started stroking my back, up and down, trying to be soothing. “It was my fault. I was working so much, leaving you all alone. Jeremy’s like that. He always has a girl around. It’s been that way since high school.”

  I made a move to back up, but Nate tightened his arms around me like a steel band. My eye’s darted around the room, looking for what? A weapon? Someone to save me? For the first time in my life, I was becoming afraid of my best friend. The possessive tone of his voice, his unwavering hold on me. It didn’t feel normal anymore. It didn’t feel okay.

  “But he’ll wake up and then we’ll leave.” Nate leaned in, placing a lingering kiss to my cheek. “You’re mine, Sav. Only ever mine.”

  “Nate, stop it.” I pushed against his chest, but he was so damn strong I couldn’t move away. “You’re scaring me.”

  He looked at me, confused. “I’d never hurt you Sav, you know that.”

  “Jeremy wasn’t a mistake, I’m in love with—”

  “No.” Nate put his palm over my mouth, his eyes growing darker than I’d eve
r seen them. “You don’t love him. It’s lust. It’s a crush. It’s not real. You love me. It’s always been you and me.” He moved his hold to my jaw, his grip tight, but not painful. “I was being patient with you, going slow. We have forever to be together, what’s the rush?” His hand moved down to my neck, his thumb stroking my rapid pulse. “But you needed more, I suppose.”

  I was frozen in shock and fear. I was afraid, for the first time in my life to tell him no. Figured, when I was ready to put my foot down and take control of my life, he decided to lose his last thread of reality.

  Part of me was angry, furious that we had caused him to snap, after all this time. He had years to try for me, years to show these cards. But he’d been happy to be my friend, or so I thought. Now, when I was ready to stand up to him, and his brother was lying helpless in a hospital bed I worried if Nate would he take my rejection out on Jeremy.

  Nate’s fingertips trailed along my collarbone. I felt sick, my stomach churning. “Please stop, please.” I hung my head, irritated I didn’t sound stronger.

  “What’s wrong? Isn’t this what you need? This is why you’re with Jeremy.” Nate sounded genuinely confused.

  I shook my head. “No Nate. No. This isn’t why I’m with Jeremy.” I put my hand on top of his. “This, has nothing to do with my feelings for him.”

  I loved Jeremy because he was sweet. Good-hearted and easy-going. He laughed and joked, and saw the brighter side of life. He loved adventure and trying new things, He didn’t want shadows and confusion. He liked things straightforward. He made me feel like I was constantly basking in the warm summer sun. He pulled me out of a life I never asked for and showed me what it felt like to be free.

  “He gives you things I don’t.” Nate’s brow was furrowed, like he was trying to work a puzzle out in his mind. “I didn’t know you wanted those things. You said you weren’t ready. I can give them to you. I can give you everything. The whole world.”

  My heart was breaking for my best friend, and shattering for his older brother. We’d destroyed Nate with our love, and I couldn’t find it in me to wish it all away. I’d do it over again. I’d fall in love with Jeremy a million times in a million different ways. Maybe that was selfish, but I didn’t care. Nate wasn’t the monster. I was. He was confused because I hadn’t been strong enough to tell him how I really felt the other day. I couldn’t seem to stop screwing up our lives.

  “I don’t want those things with you.” My heart was pounding. “I love you Nate, you are my best friend. But the relationship I have with Jeremy is different.”

  Nate loosened his hold on my body. “Oh.” His jaw was clenched as he brought his hands back to his sides. “Okay.”

  I backed away, cautiously. “Okay?” He nodded, his gaze on Jeremy’s blankets, like he couldn’t look at me. “You understand that I love you, and you’re my best friend, but Jeremy is my boyfriend.” I wanted to make sure that I didn’t confuse him ever again.

  I knew logically that some of the things I blamed myself for weren’t my fault. I had been too young to be given the responsibility of managing and caring for a boy who needed professional help.

  I wasn’t a child anymore. I wasn’t naïve, and I wasn’t anyone’s salvation except my own. From this moment and for the rest of forever.

  He nodded again. I sat back down in my chair, and that was how we stayed, locked in a silence that neither one of us ever saw coming, for very different reasons.

  Chapter Twenty-Six

  Savy

  Jeremy was awake. My mom told me casually over breakfast the first morning I’d spent at my house. Nate and his mother had insisted I go home and get some real sleep. Nate said he was worried about me, but I knew it was because he didn’t want me around his brother. Either way, my presence, for the first time since we’d met twelve years ago, was making him agitated. Of course, his mom immediately took his side, because no one wanted an anxious Nate roaming the world.

  I’d have slept better at the hospital, watching over Jeremy. I didn’t get “real” sleep. I’d had nightmare after nightmare. I’d dreamt that Nate smothered his brother while he was sleeping. I’d dreamt that it was Nate in that bed instead of Jeremy. Each and every time I closed my eyes, only bad thoughts flooded up from my subconscious.

  Over a giant banana nut muffin, my mother said Oh, I forget to tell you, Jeremy woke up. I dropped my muffin onto the cheery yellow plate and walked out the door without saying a word. I didn’t have my own car, so I’d stomped across the yard, went to Jeremy’s room, got the keys and took his car. I wore his sunglasses, and I rolled the windows to let the wind wreak havoc on my hair. For the first time in days, I felt like I could breathe again.

  Butterflies banged their wings against my stomach as I pushed open the door to his room. I was nervous, and excited, and terrified. I couldn’t wait to see him, to touch him, and hear his voice. At the same time, I was afraid of Nate’s reaction, afraid of what he would do when he once again saw the love in my eyes for his brother.

  I was anxious that Jeremy wouldn’t be happy to see me, that he would blame me for what happened. Because no matter how much personal growth I’d tacked on in the last few days, I still couldn’t help but feel like every single thing that happened was all my fault.

  Jeremy was sitting up in bed, a different gown on his tanned body from when I’d been forced to leave last night. He was holding a cup of bright red Jello and his hair was a mess. When he saw me, he smiled. “Hey, baby.”

  My breath left my body in a rush. “Hi.” My gaze left him long enough to dart around the room to see we were alone. I crossed the room and climbed into his bed, sighing with relief when he wrapped his arms around me. “I’m so sorry I wasn’t here when you woke up. I’m so sorry about what happened and I—”

  “Savy, baby.” Jeremy put his hand on my cheeks, wiping away my tears. “None of this was your fault. I’m so fucking happy to see you. God. I love you so much.” His hands moved down my arms, turning over my wrists, inspecting every inch of me he could see. “Are you okay? Did he—”

  “No.” I shook my head. “No, he didn’t hurt me.”

  Now was not the time to tell Jeremy about Nate’s mood yesterday, about the things he said to me. All that mattered in this moment was that Jeremy was awake, that he still loved me.

  He swallowed, the action making him wince. “Does anyone know what happened?”

  I dropped my gaze to my lap, shame flooding my system. It’d made so much sense while we were in the thick of it, but now, it all seemed so careless. “I told the paramedics that you fell. I, uh, Nate was so upset and I…I did what I always do, I guess. I made it better.” I felt ashamed, and disgusted with myself.

  My first instinct was to smooth things over, not create waves. Nate had almost killed his older brother, and I made excuses for him. “I’m sorry, my god, I should have told them what I happened. I should have said something.”

  Jeremy shook his head, his hand coming to my cheek again. “No, baby, you did the right thing.”

  “Did I?” I scoffed. “Nate needs help. He’s always needed help. He’s getting worse. He hurt you.”

  “You’re right, Nathan needs help. But getting arrested and going to prison would not put him on the right track.” Jeremy laid back against the scratchy white pillow, pulling me against his chest. “Besides, Nathan’s reaction was warranted. In his mind, his brother stole his girl.” Jeremy kissed the top of my head. “I’d have kicked my ass too.”

  I snorted, slapping his chest lightly. “Don’t make jokes.”

  “I’m not.” I could hear the smile in is hoarse voice.

  I pulled back so I could see the humor in his eyes. “You’ve been in a coma for three days.”

  “I needed to rest a bit.”

  I rolled my eyes. “You had a concussion. You could’ve died. Nate could’ve killed you.” I shook my head, my eyes filling with tears all over again. “I swear, never in a million years did I think he would harm you. I knew when
he found out he’d be angry. I knew it would hurt him.” Jeremy wiped my cheeks with his thumbs, love shinning in his gaze. “I was so selfish, and it almost got you killed.”

  “Hey, now, that’s enough of that.” He held my face so gently like I was made of something precious. “Don’t backtrack on me now, baby. Living your life isn’t being selfish. It’s just living.” He leaned forward and kissed my lips for the first time in what felt like forever. I’d missed him. I’d missed every single thing about him. “We fucked up, but we’ll make it right.” He kissed me again, stealing all thoughts.

  Nothing else existed when I was wrapped in Jeremy’s arms, drunk from his mouth on mine. All too soon the hospital door opened and we jerked apart. Nate and their mother were back. I turned to face the wall, taking deep breaths to try and calm my racing heart. I was probably blushing too. That was the last thing Nate needed to see right now, his brother and I locked together.

  “Oh, Savy, sweetheart, I didn’t know you were here.” Mrs. Deacon carried a bouquet of flowers into the room and sat them on the windowsill, bright yellow daisies and blue hydrangea. “I called your mother this morning and let her know we’d get to bring Jeremy home tomorrow.”

  “She told me.” I smiled and slipped off Jeremy’s bed with my hands tucked behind my back. I wanted to stay next to him. I wanted to handcuff him to me so I could touch him constantly. But Nate was watching us, his eyes narrowed. “I thought I’d come see for myself that Jeremy was okay.”

  “You’re so sweet to love my boys the way you do.”

  I glanced at Jeremy and he winked, making heat start to creep over my cheeks all over again. His mom wasn’t wrong. I did love her boys. If she knew the mess we were in, she probably wouldn’t be cheerfully fluffing flowers.

  “Come on, Sav. I’ll drive you home.” Nate pushed away from the wall he’d been leaning on, completely ignoring his brother. “You don’t need to sit here all day.”