The Ideal

by L. P. Maxa

  “Baby, your phone is ringing.” Jeremy reached under my butt where my phone had slipped out. Sighing, and sitting up, I said, “It’s Nate.”

  He clicked accept, putting the call on speaker phone and resting it on my chest. He always did that when Nate called, put the call on blast so he could hear the whole conversation. I knew it spoke to his jealousy, and after his admission last night, I felt bad for him. I wished he didn’t have to hide us, and that he didn’t have to share me.

  “Hey Nate, what’s up?”

  “I got someone to cover my evening shift.” He paused, the sound of weights being returned to their resting spots filling the background. “Let’s do a movie tonight, we can fall asleep to the TV.”

  My heart sank. I didn’t want Nate in my bed. I didn’t want to cancel my plans with Jeremy. Shit, this had been my life for as long as I could remember. I didn’t think it was time to change that now. Not when I was so close to gaining my freedom.

  “Okay, sure. See you soon?” What I was really asking him was how much time did I have to bask in his brother’s arms before he would be here to command the rest of my day.

  “I’ll be home in a about an hour.”

  “Okay, drive safe.” I pressed end on the call, tossing my phone to the side. I could feel the tension radiating from Jeremy, and I couldn’t blame him. This was the first time that Nate had come between us this way. The first time I’d had to literally choose his brother over him. It felt wrong.

  “What the fuck?” I winced at his tone. “You complain about him crowding your bed and then you agree that easy?”

  “Easy?” I sat up, shaking my head, tears instantly stinging the back of my eyes. “You’re crazy if you think any of this is easy, or that I want you to leave. After telling you I want you to spend the night, how could you say that?” It was the last thing I wanted to happen, and he had to know that. He was frustrated and disappointed, and I was right there with him. “Trying to ignore the way Nate touches me is the last way I wanted to spend my—”

  “What do you mean the way he touches you?” Jeremy’s eyes were hard, his fists clenched. I’d never seen him look so on edge.

  I backpedaled. “It’s nothing.” I didn’t want to fight with him, not about his brother, not about anything. Nate was my problem, he always had been. There was no reason for me to drive a wedge between them, that wasn’t fair.

  “Don’t you dare shut me out. Tell me what is going on.”

  I bit my lip, trying to brush aside his concern. “I told you, he wants more from me and his actions are, well, they’re reflecting his intentions more than ever.” Every touch was lingering, every hand hold felt less friendly. His sweet kisses were getting closer and closer to my lips.

  “Fuck.” Jeremy ran his fingers through his dark hair, making the strands stick up. “We need to tell him.”

  I sucked in a gasp. “No.”

  “Seeing you without him knowing was one thing when he was content to be your best friend.” Jeremy got up, pacing my room. “But this, him wanting you, him touching you, demanding to be in your bed. I don’t like it. Someone is going to end up hurt.”

  “I’ve already been hurt.” I pointed to myself, letting him know his concerns were years too late. “I’ve already sacrificed what I want. I’ve already been put in a bad position. All the things you’re afraid of have already happened to me.”

  “Baby, I—”

  “If you tell him, he’ll hold on even tighter.” Tears dripped from my eyes, and I brushed them away, annoyed I couldn’t control them. “He’ll never choose Yale. I need him to choose Yale, Jeremy, I need him to be more than two hours away from me. He can’t go to Emerson, he can’t. I couldn’t take it, I—”

  “Shhhh.” Jeremy took my face in his warm palms. “Okay. Okay, baby. I’m sorry.” He kissed me, pulling me into his lap, rocking me gently. “Your sanity matters so much more than my jealousy. I hate the thought of you two spending the night together. You’re not his girl. Actually, you never have been. You’re mine.”

  I wanted that to be true. I wanted to be able to give Jeremy the relationship he deserved. That wasn’t the way my world worked. That wasn’t something I could offer him. Not now, and maybe not ever. All the elation I’d felt before, all the smiling and daydreaming was gone. In its place I felt hopeless and guilt ridden. The boy I loved as a friend was ruining the life I was trying to build with the boy I was in love with.

  “If we want the world to keep spinning, in Nate’s eyes, I’ll always be his girl.” I wiped my tears away before burying my face in his shirt.

  “No one would survive the alternative.”

  Chapter Twenty-Two

  Savy

  Jeremy left five minutes before Nate’s SUV pulled into his driveway. I wasn’t sure where Jeremy went, but I knew he wasn’t planning on staying home. He said it would be too hard staring at the clock, knowing that Nate and I were going to be together all night. I hated that part of me was scared he’d go out and find another girl to occupy his time. Another girl who wasn’t complicated, who didn’t have the baggage of his volatile baby brother hanging around her neck. Jeremy didn’t put that weight on my shoulders, although up until this summer, he’d never done anything to lighten my load either. Logically, I knew until he’d left for college, he was a kid himself and wasn’t equipped to handle Nate. I wasn’t either, yet I’d done my best. I guess what I was trying to say was, I didn’t want Jeremy to give up on me. My issues were his issues too, and I hoped that he remembered that.

  “Earth to Sav.” Nate waved his free hand in front of my face, the other was around my shoulders. “You okay? You spaced out.”

  I smiled, scooping up some more popcorn from the bowl I’d purposefully placed between us. “I’m here.” I was...here. Stuck. Laid up in my bed, propped against my headboard with Nate beside me and Jeremy on my mind.

  Nate moved the bowl to his lap, scooting closer to me until his hip was touching mine. Fantastic. As if my night wasn’t already complicated enough, my best friend was going to try to make a move during a terrible action flick. Usually he let me pick the movie, and usually he was fine with a few feet separating us. Not tonight. Everything about this evening seemed different. I was grumpy, and distant. His arm tightened around me, his free hand coming up to my chin. I was frozen, completely unsure of what to do. Oh hell. He going to try to kiss me. How did I stop that from happening? I stopped breathing, and my heart stuttered in my chest.

  “Nate? What are you—” Before I could get another word out, his lips met mine. My stomach dropped, and I pulled back, shaking my head.

  “What’s wrong?”

  What’s wrong? What wasn’t wrong.

  We’d never kissed on the mouth before. All these years his casual affection had become part of our relationship. Maybe I should’ve stopped him from holding my hand and kissing my forehead. Maybe in his mind this was a natural progression from small gestures to more obvious ones. In my mind, it was the last thing I wanted to happen.

  “Nate, I’m, uh... Don’t do that, okay?” Even in defending myself I wasn’t assertive. I was still trying to save his feelings and his pride. I didn’t want to hurt him, ever, but that was what got me into this mess in the first place.

  Total irony: I could tell Jeremy anything and he was cool with it. Wanted it. He insisted I never hold back with him.

  “You’ve never stopped me before.” He didn’t seem wounded, more like he was confused.

  I was guessing he thought his friendly kisses and touches meant more. Which meant, when I hadn’t stopped him, I’d done this to him, and to myself. I felt as confused as Nate looked. I was suddenly questioning every friendly interaction. “Nate, um, before, everything felt innocent.”

  “Oh.” He’s brow furrowed, like he was thinking hard. “You’re not ready for that.”

  I shifted, putting some more distance between us. “I don’t think I’ll ever be ready for that.” I willed the tears that were threatening to go away. I hate
d how sad and weak I felt and sounded. I hated that it suddenly seemed like I’d led him on. Not only was I in love with his brother, but I hadn’t made it clear enough how I felt about Nate for all these years. I hung my head. “I’m sorry.” I was so immensely sorry.

  I was sorry that he lost his dad. Sorry I’d been charged as his watcher. I was sorry that his mom wasn’t strong enough to handle him, and that she wasn’t strong enough to demand he get help.

  I was sorry that my parents cared more about their friend than their daughter. I was sorry that Jeremy washed his hands of his brother, moving away to college without looking back. I was sorry I fell in love with Jeremy and with the freedom he showed me.

  I was sorry that Nate was hurting, I was sorry I was the cause of his pain. There were so many damn things that I was sorry for, and they were crashing into me over and over like waves of grief, suffocating me in their sadness.

  “Don’t be sorry.” Nate wrapped me in his arms, kissing the top of my head softly. “Don’t cry. Everything is going to be okay.”

  I sobbed, his shirt absorbing my tears.

  I knew I should tell him to leave. I knew I should stop leading him on now that I saw it through his eyes.

  I was selfish, the new me was a selfish stupid brat.

  I needed my best friend, the way he’d needed me all these years.

  I didn’t make him leave. I didn’t correct his assumptions.

  I let him pull me under the covers and hold me while I cried myself to sleep.

  Chapter Twenty-Three

  Jeremy

  Savy was sick. Or least that was what Nathan told me when he’d left for his evening shift at the gym. He stayed at her house last night and said she woke up with a cold. I made a silent joke about her being sick of him even though I didn’t really think it was funny. I hated how jealous I was of my own brother. I tried to justify it by telling myself I was in love and love made you do stupid things. No one set out to hurt him, to betray him. There was no ill intent, and I kept repeating that to make myself feel better. After yesterday, seeing Savy break down at the thought of him at Emerson, I felt a little out of control. Like things were starting to spiral and head in a direction that none of us saw coming.

  I pushed those thoughts aside to the icky file in my brain.

  I knocked on Savy’s door, deciding against the tree because it was still light outside and her parents’ cars weren’t in the driveway. I stepped back as the door opened, Savy was standing there in a robe. Her hair was piled on her head and she was holding a balled up tissue in her fist. I held up the chicken soup I’d had delivered to my house. “Hungry?”

  She sighed and opened the door wider, letting me inside with a small shrug.

  I sat the soup on the table by the door, reaching out to feel her forehead with the back of my hand. “You don’t have a fever. What’s going on?” I didn’t care if she was contagious, I’d happily get whatever she had for a chance to spend some time with her.

  “I don’t know.” She shuffled into the kitchen, pulling two bowls down from a glass fronted cabinet. “I cried myself to sleep, then woke up feeling like a crappy person.”

  “You aren’t a crappy person. Why’d you cry yourself to sleep? I thought Nathan stayed the night?” I took the bowls from her, setting them on the island and opening the soup.

  “He kissed me.”

  I dropped the spoon into the soup and watched it sink to the bottom. “Then what?” I was trying not to freak out, trying to not let my ego or pride get in the way of reason.

  “I told him to stop.” Savy perched on a stool. “Then I realized everything is my fault. I led him on. I let him hold my hand, hug me and kiss my temple, and I let him sleepover. To me it was our friendship, but to him it was more.” She wiped at her beautiful eyes. “I did this to him. I’m going to hurt him really bad.” She shook her head. “It’s all my fault.”

  “It’s not your fault, baby.” I rounded the counter, putting my hands on her shoulders and rubbing them as she rested her head on my chest. “You let your friendship be whatever Nathan needed it to be. You were conditioned to give him what he needed to be okay, and so you did.” I closed my eyes, silently cussing my mom and her parents. “You didn’t intentionally lead him on.”

  “Yeah well, I intentionally slept with his brother.” Her words were muffled against my shirt. “Either way you slice it, I’m a terrible friend.”

  “You saved his life, over and over.”

  “Now I’m going to ruin it.” Savy shook her head back and forth. “You should go, you shouldn’t be here. This isn’t right, it isn’t fair. Nate lives for me, he loves me and—”

  “I love you Savy.” I pushed her back, dipping down so I could meet her sad watery eyes. “I love you, and I won’t apologize for that. Nathan has demanded all of you for years, he’s commanded your life. Maybe we’re selfish, but it’s okay to be selfish sometimes. It’s okay to go after the life you want. It’s okay to be happy.” I cupped her face, using my thumbs to wipe her cheeks. “You weren’t dating my brother, you didn’t cheat on him. You not wanting him to kiss you is not something you need to feel guilty about.”

  “We should tell him the truth.”

  “What about Emerson?”

  She shook her head again. “What we’re doing, it’s not fair to him. He’s in the dark. Even if it’s misguided, he’s hoping for a future with me that I’ll never want.” She tried to smile, but all I saw was how sad she was. “Maybe he’ll go to Emerson, maybe he’ll go to Yale. Either way, it’s time I tell him the truth. Protecting his feelings isn’t helping him anymore, and the repercussions are mine to bear.”

  “No.” I kissed her forehead, then rested my chin against her hair. “You aren’t alone anymore. Nathan isn’t your sole responsibility. We’ll tell him together. We’ll deal with the fallout together. Then together, we’ll help him heal.”

  ***

  I didn’t want to say I talked my way into her bed, because that sounds a little fuck-boyish. But I didn’t want to leave her when she was feeling so low. The two orgasms I’d given her seemed to improve her mood quite a bit.

  “You’re kind of slob, you know that right?”

  The soup hadn’t filled me up, so now I was eating ramen noodles out of the Styrofoam carton in the middle of the night. I took another large slurping bite, smiling around it. “I know.” I held the fork full of noodle out, letting Savy have a taste of my midnight snack. “You wear out my body, baby. I need to re-fuel so I can make you come again.” I winked, loving how my dirty words made her blush.

  “I don’t know if I can handle another one.” She was trying to meet me in the middle, trying to be bolder, and it was turning me all the way on.

  I gasped playfully, setting my food to the side, ignoring my fork as it fell to the carpet. “Challenge accepted, baby.” I tackled her, sheathing myself with a condom before settling between her thighs.

  I sank inside her warm heat, groaning at how good she felt wrapped around me. I went slow, moving in and out at an unhurried pace.

  I wanted to fall asleep like this, completely connected to the girl I loved.

  Chapter Twenty-Four

  Jeremy

  I held Savy all night. I reassured her she wasn’t a bad person. Her thinking that was insane, I’d always called her a saint. Salvation. Angel. She was everything Nathan needed her to be, whenever he needed it. She was a child when he held her hand, she was naïve when he kissed her head. How could she possibly have led him on when she was so pure and innocent? It wasn’t until I corrupted her that she could see what Nathan saw. It wasn’t until she understood lust and want that she recognized what he desired.

  We were going to talk to him today, sit him down and explain what happened over the past few weeks. We wanted him to know he was loved and wanted. He still had a brother, and he still had a best friend. We both wanted to move forward with him with no more lies between us. I hated feeling jealous of him, and I didn’t want to grow to resent
him and his relationship with Savy, who was overwhelmed with sadness and uncertainty when it came to Nathan, and that wasn’t healthy either.

  I’d been lying awake for the last few hours, rehearsing what to say in my mind. Trying to come up with the right words was proving to be difficult. Now the sun was up and I needed to go home before anyone noticed I was missing. I stretched, rolling out of Savy’s bed and smiling down at her still sleeping form. She felt so badly about hurting Nathan that she’d made herself physically ill. “Baby, I’ve got—”

  “Sav. Hey you up yet?” I froze as Savy’s eyes popped open.

  She flew out of bed and lunged for the door. “Nate, hold on I’m—”

  She didn’t make it. Nathan walked in, assessing her in my shirt before moving his gaze across the room to me. I was in my jeans. “Jeremy? What…Sav?”

  I didn’t want him to find out like this. Fuck. Maybe this was how Savy felt, this guilt and irritation at the pain she knew she’d cause. It seemed inevitable. We were always going to hurt him. This was always going to blow up in our faces. How stupid of us, to think we wouldn’t be right where we were.

  “Nathan, fuck. I know how this looks, but please stay calm and let me explain.”

  “Explain?” He took a step toward me, his finger jabbing close to my face. “Explain why I walked in and found you in Sav’s room first thing in the morning. Why you’re in my girl’s room at all?”

  “Nate, I’m not—”

  “Savy, baby, get dressed.” I held my hand out past my brother, stopping her from getting involved. I did this.

  I deserved everything that was coming. He could take his hurt out on me. It was the least I could do. I abandoned my brother the moment our father died, and then I’d gone and fell in love with his best friend, his everything.

  “Baby?” he growled, his neck cracking. “Why the fuck is she naked under your shirt? Why the fuck are you here?”