The Ideal

by L. P. Maxa

  Nathan stopped at the mailbox, grabbing the mail neither of us had bothered to collect while our mom had been out of town. He flipped through the stack, plucking out a thick brochure with Emerson in big purple letters. My jaw clenched, my muscles tensed, and not from the short three miles we’d ran.

  “Still thinking about following Savy to a school that has nothing for you?” I could hear the irritation in my voice, and prayed to god that my brother couldn’t.

  He glanced up from the pages he was flipping through. “Why? You don’t want me that close?”

  “Why would I care how close you live to Savy next year? It’s not like we’re going to hang out or anything.” I tried to sound bored and unaffected, but the truth was I did care. I cared because Savy needed fucking space. It was bad enough Yale was only two hours from Emerson. I was surprised she hadn’t decided to go to UCLA or somewhere else out west.

  Nathan’s eyes narrowed. “I meant that close to you.”

  Shit. Of course he did. Because why the hell would Savy even be in my mind at all? My possessive streak was going to get us all in trouble. Northeastern was basically next door to Emerson. “Either way you’ll be close to me.” I smiled, stepping past him and onto the porch. “You’re my brother. We’ll see each other no matter what.”

  He followed me, surprising the crap out of me as he kept talking. “Sav keeps pushing for me to go to Yale.” Nathan never let me into his life and certainly not into anything having to do with him and Savy.

  I headed into the kitchen, grabbing a bottle of water and then tossing one to him. “She wants what’s best for you, and we all know that’s Yale.” I took a sip of the cool liquid, letting it wash away the irritation lodged in my throat. “You’ve always wanted to go to Yale. Dad went to Yale. Savy knows that and I’m sure she doesn’t want to be the reason for you to give up that dream.” I shrugged. “Maybe she’s afraid you’ll end up resenting her for it.”

  “I could never resent, Sav.” His eyes were dark, his expression guarded.

  I shrugged again, moving past him to hide in my room. “Never is a long time.”

  I couldn’t be a good brother in this situation. I knew that him going to Emerson would be bad for Savy, and I wanted to think that me pushing him toward Yale was simply for her sanity.

  But it wasn’t, not anymore.

  I closed my bedroom door and plucked my cell off the charger, feeling like a shit older brother, and a jealous gossipy “casual hookup.” I didn’t like either, but I couldn’t seem to help it.

  Nathan was just thumbing through an Emerson catalogue.

  I’d done what I could, like I promised Savy I would. I couldn’t make Nathan’s decision for him and no one could strong arm him into anything. But maybe, just maybe, I’d given him something to think about.

  Great. Well. At least dorms there aren’t coed, so we won’t be living together.

  Living together? Hell to the fucking no. How was I supposed to still see Savy next year if she was…oh. Wow. Well, that was new. When had I decided that I wanted to keep seeing Savy once we headed to Boston? Probably around the same fucking time I’d held her in my arms all night long and used the thump of her heartbeat as the metronome to which I fell asleep.

  I did what I could to try to push him toward Yale.

  Am I a terrible friend for not wanting to go to the same college?

  I glanced at the clock. It’d been fifteen minutes since Savy had broken away from us and went home. That was how long it took for her guilt to set in. How exhausting it must be living with that ever present weight on her shoulders.

  You are the farthest thing from a terrible friend. You have taken care of Nathan for most of your life. You don’t want him to go to the same college as you for good reasons. It’s not like you want him to make a bad choice. You want him to go to Yale, the place where success is in the damn water.

  I think he’s afraid to be without me. Afraid of what he’ll do if I’m not there to keep him even.

  She probably wasn’t wrong. But the thing was, Nathan wasn’t her problem. If Nathan was worried about his impulse control, then he needed to get a therapist in New Haven. He needed to discuss medications that he could benefit from. If Nathan was worried about himself, then that meant he knew he had issues. It was long past time he took some responsibility for his own mental health.

  You don’t have to be Nathan’s keeper. You can’t watch out for him the rest of your life. What would that even look like? You think your future husband is going to build on an extra room so Nathan has a place to live?

  Don’t be silly. Nate would never let me get married.

  Well that was the fucking saddest statement I’d heard in a long-ass time. I knew she was sort of kidding, but I also knew there was some fear and truth in her words. If Nathan never backed off, never let her out of his sight, how the hell was she supposed to have a life? Not that I wanted to think of her with other guys. But still. How was she supposed to find a guy to settle down with? Have kids? Join the damn PTA? How was she supposed to live at all with Nathan attached to her side?

  Let’s do something really dumb tonight.

  That sounds ominous.

  I was spiraling a bit. Panicked at what her future looked like with Nathan as her shadow. She couldn’t and shouldn’t have to survive that existence. These had to be the thoughts that plagued her. The thoughts she’d kept to herself the last twelve years. I was sure she had constant anxiety lodged in her chest. Fuck me. This was all so much more of a disaster than I’d ever realized.

  Meet me in the driveway at midnight.

  You want to me sneak out?

  I want you to live, baby.

  Chapter Nineteen

  Savy

  I used the tree to sneak out of my house, climbing down like Jeremy did. I’d never done that before. I’d never left my house while my parents were asleep. I’d never been the rebellious teenager. Nate wouldn’t let me be. Saying that now, I know I allowed myself to succumb under the pressure of his expectations. The more I thought about it, the more I was sure I’d taken the easier road with Nate. Pushing back meant the potential of a whole host of reactions, none of them good. Maybe, if I’d started to push back early on, he would’ve found a way to adjust. Ugh. Water under the bridge. I rolled my eyes, annoyed with the way I’d spent my four years of high school.

  I loved Nate, and I had good memories, but I’d never had as much fun as I’d had the last couple of weeks with Jeremy. One brother kept me in a safe padded box, the other was willing to jump off a cliff holding my hand. They were as different as two people could be, and I was lucky to love them both, but in different ways.

  “Hey wild one, you ready?” I jumped about a foot in the air, whirling around when Jeremy snuck up behind me. “Whoa, calm down, it’s only me.”

  He wrapped his arms around my waist, pulling me to him and kissing my lips. “You scared me.” I giggled, resting my forehead against his chest. “I’ve never snuck out before.”

  He hummed, his mouth against my ear. “I love capturing all your firsts, baby.”

  His words had me blushing in the dark, remembering the way he’d felt moving inside me last night. I wanted him, fiercely, instantly. A few whispered words and I was wanton. “Where are we going?”

  He clasped my hand, leading me to his car. He helped me into the passenger seat, settling a heavy backpack on my lap before racing around to the driver’s side. “It’s a surprise.”

  We drove through town, the windows down and the radio loud. Well-lit streets gave way to country roads and fields of nothingness on either side. He directed the car off the main road, winding his way through a narrow tree-lined dirt path. We came to a stop in a clearing, and he switched off the lights before killing the engine. The only sound was crickets, the only light coming from our town so far below.

  “I’ve never been here before.” Never seemed like all I was capable of thinking and saying. Back to wasted years of living in a bubble.

  He
chuckled, climbing out of the car and ducking his head back in to grab the bag off my lap. “Well I should think not. This is where horny teenagers come to hook up.”

  I knew I was blushing with excitement. He helped me out of the car, leading to the edge of the clearing and laying a blanket in the sparse grass. We sat, facing the twinkling lights, drinking from the bottle of red wine he’d opened.

  I knocked my shoulder against his after several minutes of shared silence. “Well?”

  “Well what?” His hand stroked up and down my back, his movement pausing to play with my hair every now and then.

  “We going to be horny teenagers or what?” I giggled when he instantly tackled me to the blanket, attacking my mouth and groping my breasts, he groaned and started to hump my leg.

  “Horny enough for you?”

  I was still laughing, gasping to catch my breath when he started to tickle me. “Was this what you were like in high school?” I wiggled, trying to get out from under him. “I’m glad I got the college version.” He tickled me more, placing sloppy kisses all over my neck and chest.

  He pulled back, a happy smile on his incredibly handsome face. “All versions of me are amazing, baby, you know that.”

  “I do.” I wrapped my legs around his waist, peering up at him in the dark.

  “Even the most amazing version of me doesn’t hold a candle to any version of you Savannah Nightingale.” He dipped down to kiss me senseless.

  We made out under the stars until kisses weren’t enough. Then Jeremy slid down my body, pulling off my panties with his teeth before using his mouth and fingers that had me crying out his name into the dark night sky.

  Chapter Twenty

  Jeremy

  We were spread out on my blanket, the wine long forgotten and spilled into the dirt beside us. Savy’s head was resting on my chest, my fingers trailing through her beautiful long hair. We’d been quiet for a few minutes, catching our breath while listening to the night sounds around us. I enjoyed every moment I was with Savy, it didn’t matter what we were doing. I missed her when we were apart, and I worried about her when she was with my brother. She had slowly consumed me, there was no other word for it.

  Maybe I was as possessed as Nathan. Maybe she amplified his crazy, his love for her sending him over the edge of sanity.

  “I had a crush on you when we were younger.” Savy’s sweet voice broke through the silence.

  I couldn’t help but smile, tugging her hair playfully. “I was pretty wrapped up in my own shit.” I know I was selfish. I’d been more than content to let her take on the sole responsibility of Nathan. It wasn’t fair of me, but I’d been a kid myself. “I noticed you, Savy, I did. But, not the same way you noticed me, as arrogant as that sounds. You were Nathan’s best friend and I didn’t want to set him off, you know? I didn’t want to upset the balance, I was too afraid what that would mean for me.” I felt shitty about it. Hell, that was why I’d started hanging out with her in the first place. As a means to right a wrong, as a way to ease my guilty conscience.

  Not anymore though. Now I basically worshipped the ground she fucking walked on.

  “Are you still worried about setting him off?”

  The honest answer was, yes. I was concerned about what would happen if Nathan found out how I felt about his best friend. But lately, I was more concerned what would happen if he never found out. How long could Savy and I sneak around like this? She was leaving for school in a few weeks, so was I, and so was Nathan. He hadn’t told us yet which school he chose, and he could very well end up on the same campus as Savy. How would that even work?

  “I have some reservations about that brother of mine.” I leaned forward, unable to keep my lips to myself any longer as I kissed her shoulder. “I’m not ready to give you up, so I push them way into the back of my mind where all the icky stuff lives.”

  Her blonde eyebrows rose, a smile playing on her pillow soft lips. Lips still puffy from my kisses. “The icky stuff?”

  “You know, the scenes from scary movies that stick with you, the one time you walked in on your parents getting it on. That sort of stuff.” I chuckled as she wrinkled her nose. “What’s in your icky file?”

  She sighed, rolling onto her back and exposing her perfect skin to the moon, completely comfortable to be wearing my open shirt. “Nate putting that neighbor kid in a choke hold. Nate crying all night after your dad passed. Nate punching guys who talked to me, Nate dragging me out of that party the other ni—”

  “I get it, baby. Nathan is your icky file.” I put my palm on her hip, my thumb caressing her skin. I hated that was the way she felt. I hated it for her and for my brother. It was sad, no matter which way you looked at it.

  “He’s in my good files too, though.” She turned her head, her eyes searching mine. “Watching movies, playing in the park, swimming, camp outs, s’mores, popsicles on hot summer days. Until this summer with you, Nate was all my good memories and all my icky ones. That’s what happens when you have one friend. They become your everything good and bad. I don’t remember a time in my life when he wasn’t in it, when he wasn’t part of every day.”

  I didn’t need to ask Savy the question that came to my mind, the question of whether she’d go back in time to change things if she could. I already knew the answer. She would suffer all over again to help my brother because she loved him, and she had a kind heart. She was selfless when everyone around her was the complete opposite. Or maybe not. Now that she’d had a taste of freedom, maybe she would’ve tried to expand her horizons while keeping Nathan in check. Stupid to even think about. No one got a do-over.

  I studied the night sky, sad to see that the deep purple was developing edges of pink. “We need to get you home, the sun will be up soon.”

  “When I was younger, I used to dream about you coming through my window and rescuing me.” Savy held my gaze. “You’d tell me to pack a bag, that we were going on an adventure.” She turned her attention back to the sleeping city below us. “I would wake up torn. In love with the fantasy and guilt ridden for wanting to leave Nate.”

  “I used to have dreams of you too, but they got a little racier than that.” I reached out, trailing my fingertips through her silky hair.

  “You’re a dream come true, Jeremy.”

  Her words were like a zap to my soul, filling me with light. I sat up, pulling her back against my chest. “No Savy, you’re the dream.” I kissed her neck, breathing in her sweet scent. “I promise, baby, one day, I’ll get you out of here and we’ll go on all the adventures your heart can handle.”

  As she relaxed in my arms, I went over the words I’d spoken to her. Had I promised Savy a future? Had I promised her forever? This summer with her started with so many boundaries, so many guidelines and expirations. But my feelings for her had grown, like they had a life and a mind of their own. I couldn’t find it in me to resist anymore.

  “I’m falling in love with you,” I said the words softly and against her skin, not afraid to let them out, but wary of the wreckage they could cause.

  She leaned in, her hands searching for mine in the growing light. “I think I’ve been in love with you my whole life.”

  Chapter Twenty-One

  Savy

  Jeremy got me home minutes before sunrise, kissing me quickly and sending me back up the tree and through my bedroom window. I collapsed on my mattress, tired but too excited to sleep. Instead I daydreamed, the TV on in the background. I lay there for hours, simply happy to be alone with my thoughts, replaying the last few nights on a constant loop.

  Jeremy was falling in love with me, and he’d dreamed about me like I’d dreamed about him. The boy I’d crushed on my whole life loved me back. I couldn’t stop smiling, my cheeks hurt from the effort. This summer with Jeremy was more than anything I ever saw coming. One favor for his brother, one night of helping me with a chore my dad wouldn’t let go, had turned into an actual dream come true. I felt lucky and giddy. I knew soon the guilt would rise up, l
ike it always did, but for now, I wanted to be eighteen and in love, grinning so big my face ached.

  “Savy, sweetheart, Jeremy is here, I’m sending him up.” My mom called her warning from the bottom of the stairs, which made me roll my eyes. Neither she nor my father ever gave me a heads up before seeing Nate bound up the stairs and into my room.

  I clicked off the TV, surprised he was here in the middle of the day, especially after seeing each hours ago. Nate wasn’t working and we had plans soon. I hated that my mind immediately went to Nate, wondering what he was doing and if he’d catch me with his brother. What Jeremy and I did wasn’t wrong. Lying by omission was.

  “Hey wild one, it’s a gorgeous day, why are you locked in your house?” Jeremy dipped down, kissing my lips and leaving me instantly wanting more.

  “Someone kept me up all night. I’m exhausted.” I scooted over, making room for him to sit next to me. He reached out, stroking my hair and tugging playfully on the ends. “Also, I have plans with Nate in a bit.”

  Jeremy wrinkled his nose. “Cancel them.”

  My eyebrows rose in surprise. Jeremy had never demanded I skip out on his brother before. Honestly, I couldn’t remember one time in my life when I’d done that. “What? I can’t do that.” I wanted to. I wanted nothing more than to send a text telling Nate that something came up and we’d have to hang out tomorrow instead. As depressing as the truth was, that wasn’t my life. I’d never ditch him. “He’s working tonight. We can see each other then.”

  “Sleepover?” He rolled over, pinning me to my mattress, settling between my thighs and driving me crazy with his sinful kisses and roaming hands. “Say yes. Tell me I can spend all night exploring this perfect body of yours.”

  “A thousand times, yes.” I wrapped my arms around his neck, pulling his lips to mine for more.

  We stayed like that, making out in my bed, tempting fate and risking my parents catching us at any moment. I couldn’t find it in me to care though. I wanted Jeremy. I wanted his weight on top of me, keeping me grounded in the reality I had options. I wanted his attention and his playfulness.