Secret Desires (Roughshod Rollers MC Book 4)

by Mia Ford

  “Maybe you’re right,” I say. “Or maybe you’re just being paranoid. I agree with you that Polly isn’t the type to show up and make confessions, especially so long after the event. But something like this is big, and her daughter is involved, too. If she wants to get to know Lily, then she has to air everything with you, whether she wants to or not.”

  “Yeah,” Ethan says. He grimaces. “I guess you’re right. Her being here just got to me. The way she looked around… I get that this place is small, and a little cluttered, but this is our home. And it’s not much smaller than what she and I used to have.”

  “She’s probably used to much bigger houses and apartments these days, now that she’s married to a councilor,” I point out. “Maybe that’s just her ‘rich wife’ coming out.”

  Ethan snorts with laughter, just like I’d wanted.

  “Maybe,” he replies. He groans and leans back. “Man, I really would like to just tell her she can’t come back, though.”

  “Yeah, I know,” I say. I give him a small smile. “ But Lily is what’s most important here, right?”

  “Right,” Ethan agrees. “I’m only doing this for Lily. If it wasn’t for her, I would have told Polly to get fucked, no matter how much she begged.”

  I remember Polly’s last, desperate plea.

  “I promise, Ethan. Please, give me one last chance to prove that I can do the right thing. Please.”

  I don’t want to admit to it, but that tugged on my heart. Before that point, it had just been Polly making demands and excuses, reluctantly answering Ethan’s questions because she had to and trying to explain away her actions so they didn’t look as awful as they were. I was pleased when Ethan called her out on it.

  But that last plea had been genuine. It had been a mother begging Ethan to give her a second chance, to allow her to see the daughter that she had once abandoned. There had been no talk of rights, like there had been in the letter. Polly had recognized that Ethan had all the power here, and she had fallen from her pedestal, resorting to pleading with him.

  I glance at Ethan. Somehow, I think that actually affected me more than Ethan. Ethan is only thinking about Lily. If Lily had said she didn’t want to see her mother, no amount of pleading would have moved him; he has no room left in his heart to allow Polly to affect him emotionally ever again.

  Which is a good thing. Part of me had worried that Polly’s presence would begin to thaw out the coldness Ethan had built around his memories of her, especially after finding him drinking so heavily after getting her letter the other night. But Ethan had stood strong and refused to bend over for her.

  I’m really proud of him.

  “So, what’s the plan now?” I ask.

  “Well, I’ll organize with Polly about where she wants to take Lily,” Ethan says, pulling out his phone. “Even if Polly is Lily’s mother, she’s still a stranger, so I want to know where they’re going. Also, they won’t be able to leave the area. They need to stay close.”

  “Polly might not like that,” I warn.

  “Tough,” Ethan says simply. “Lily is my daughter; right now, Polly is her mother in name only. She can follow the rules or get out of our lives. In the worst-case scenario, I can and will take legal action, no matter what Lily wants; Polly abandoned her child for over ten years, and there’s no court that will rule for custody or even much in the way of rights in her favor.”

  “Hopefully,” I point out, reminding him that there were always possibilities, and going down that road would be tricky.

  “Right now, I just have to think through all the options,” Ethan says quietly. “Even for the worst-case scenarios.”

  He sighs and looks at me. For the first time since Polly arrived, he looks unsure and vulnerable. It tugs on my heart, and I wish I could take all these burdens from him.

  “Am I doing the right thing?” he asks. “This is what Lily wants, but I don’t have to give this to her. Part of me thinks this is all going to blow up in our faces.”

  “You can’t think like that,” I say, shaking my head. “When you start thinking like that, you become paranoid. Right now, you just have to watch what happens and hope for the best. Hopefully, Polly will turn out to be a much better person, but it’s difficult for you to hope for that after what she did to you.”

  “Yeah…” Ethan says. He looks down at his coffee. He barely touched it during the conversation with Polly, and now it’s stone cold. He gets up and carries the mug to the kitchen, flicking the switch. “Want another coffee?”

  “Yeah, that would be great,” I say gratefully.

  I watch him for a moment as he putters around the kitchen, likely needing something to do to calm the storm that’s raging in his head. I can’t imagine what this must be like for him, to see Polly again after all these years. It was surreal enough for me, and I had no emotional investment in her.

  “Are you okay?” I ask him.

  He looks up and gives me a wry smile.

  “Not really,” he says. “But that’s not surprising. I kind of wish I had just thrown all those letters in the trash instead of putting them on the table like that.” He sighs. “But I needed to look at them; they were Friday’s letters, which I’d forgotten to check for, and there were several bills in that pile. I’d hoped the bills were a little further away so I could start saving, but they’re all due now.”

  “Saving…?” I ask. Then my eyes widen. “For the computer?”

  “Yeah,” Ethan says. His shoulders tense and he doesn’t look at me. “Trevor and I spoke about the idea that I could save for a few more months and buy the computer as a late birthday present. I could get her something small, instead, and promise that the computer is coming. I know Lily would accept that, and that just the promise that it is coming will be enough. But that doesn’t seem fair, does it?”

  “It’s better than going for a loan,” I point out, narrowing my eyes at him; I can’t believe he would even think about something like that, knowing how much additional money pressure it would put on him.

  “I know that,” Ethan says, frustrated. He turns around. “But what do you expect me to do? I can’t get Lily anything. She doesn’t have any of those new games that have come out, I can’t get her brand new clothes or furniture, I can’t take her to carnivals or even the movies unless I save for it for weeks. She barely asks me for anything, but she asked me for this. No matter what, I want to get it for her.”

  My heart breaks. Shit, I really misread this.

  “I…started to look into it,” I confess, and Ethan looks sharply at me. “I knew you couldn’t afford it, so I started to look into getting you guys a nice one myself. I’m sorry… I should have spoken to you about it first.”

  I glance at Ethan. He looks shocked. At least he doesn’t look angry. Then, suddenly, he laughs.

  “I didn’t talk to you about my concerns or about the loan because I didn’t want you to try and offer me the money,” he tells me. He snorts. “But you were going and doing it all on your own, anyway.”

  It’s ironic when he puts it like that. I can’t help but giggle; we’re both really stupid, sometimes.

  “I can help you find a nice one, when you’re ready; I know you don’t know much about computers,” I offer.

  “I’m not sure I will be ready,” Ethan says gloomily. “There’s no way I can afford it. And, you and Kyle are right; a loan isn’t the best way to go. I’ll have to put it back for years, and I can’t afford to do that, either. We’re only just getting by as it is, and I’m only able to save a few dollars a week sometimes.”

  “I’ll loan you the money,” I say. “It’ll be no different to getting a loan from the bank, right? You’ll just be paying me back instead…without interest.”

  “You know, Kyle said almost exactly the same thing,” Ethan says, bemused. “He offered me all his savings, but I refused and called him a coward because he still hasn’t asked Allison to move in with him.” He hesitates. “Then…he came up with the idea of everyone
putting a little money in. It’d mean me having to pay everyone back bit by bit, but he said everyone would like the idea…”

  “They would!” I say, lighting up. “It’s the perfect solution, Ethan! That way, none of us are giving you a lot of money, which I know you don’t want, but we can all contribute to buy this computer! Come on, everyone loves Lily to pieces, and we know that the both of you need to replace that piece of crap you’re still trying to use. Let us do this for you?”

  “I haven’t decided,” Ethan says. “Let me think on it for a minute.”

  Well, he could think about it. And while he does that, I’m going to present the idea to everyone else. We’re going to give him the money he needs, even if we have to force it on him!

  “Sounds good,” I agree.

  Ethan laughs. It’s a small sound, but it’s genuine, and I’m pleased, because talking about this has finally driven thoughts of Polly and her visit out of his mind. There’s still her visit on the weekend to worry about, but he’s crossed one hurdle. For now, he needs to just ignore it and wait to see what happens.

  As I laugh with him, however, I can’t help but feel a niggling ball of dread in the pit of my stomach as I remember Ethan’s paranoid musings. Because, even if I soothed Ethan’s mind, there’s a part of me that isn’t sure about Polly’s intentions, either.

  Chapter Thirteen

  Ethan

  I wake up on Saturday morning to three messages. The first is from Grant.

  “U good 4 painting 2day?”

  I groan at it. Why do they always organize these things on days when I’m busy? On top of that, it’s hard to get a babysitter on such short notice, especially if Georgia has other plans. I glance at the next one, which is from Georgia.

  “Want to hang today?”

  I smile. No doubt Georgia is worried about how anxious I’ll be with Lily on her outing with Polly today. Having company would be nice.

  The third message, however, is from Polly.

  My first, wild hope is that she’s canceling. Lily will be disappointed, but there’ll be nothing I can do about it. Maybe then Georgia and I can take her to lunch to make up for it. The message, however, isn’t a cancelation, but an unexpected question.

  “Would you like to come to the park with Lily and I?”

  What? I stare at the question. Why does Polly want me to come out with her and our daughter? For a moment, I’m confused. And then, slowly, the reason dawns on me.

  Polly is nervous.

  Of course, she should be. She didn’t just abandon me, she also abandoned Lily. She doesn’t know how much Lily is looking forward to this. I start typing a message, telling her that Lily is looking forward to the day and that there’s no reason to be anxious about being alone with her for a few hours.

  Then I pause. If I go with them, then I don’t have to be anxious. Isn’t this a win-win situation? I doubt Lily will mind if I come along. In fact, she’ll be ecstatic; in her mind, it will be a proper, family outing, the type she’s always longed to have.

  Before I know what I’m doing, I send a message back.

  “Sounds good.”

  A return message comes in almost immediately.

  “Thank you.”

  I sigh and turn to Georgia’s message. Honestly, I’d much prefer to hang out with her. But, for my own peace of mind, I need to do this. At least for the first time; I need to see, with my own eyes, how Polly interacts with Lily. I’m actually really glad that Polly’s asked me to come with them.

  “Sorry,” I type to Georgia. “Polly wants me to go with her and Lily today. I’m going to keep an eye on things ;)”

  “Haha,” Georgia writes back. “Have fun then. Tell me about it later.”

  “Yep,” I message.

  Now, to let Grant down. I hesitate before messaging back, though. I’ve been meaning to call Grant for the last week to talk to him; if there’s anyone who would understand what I’m going through with Polly’s return, it would be him. I gave him some advice when his own girlfriend, Jessica, returned after three years, and I’m hoping he’ll return the favor now.

  So, I call him. The line clicks open immediately.

  “Hey, Ethan,” Grant greets. “Did you get my message?”

  “I did, yeah,” I say. “Sorry, I’ve got other plans today. I’ll come around next week if there are still things to do.”

  “Sounds good,” Grant says cheerfully. “So, what did you want to talk about?”

  I laugh. “Is it that obvious that I want something?”

  “Nah, man, but it’s eight o’clock and you’re calling to tell me you can’t help with the painting today instead of just messaging,” Grant says, amused.

  “Yeah, yeah,” I reply, rolling my eyes. “But, you’re right, I needed to ask you something.” I hesitate and inhale deeply. “Remember when I told you about Polly?”

  “Yes,” Grant says, his voice going serious. “Is everything alright?”

  “Not really…” I sigh. “Last week, she wrote me a letter asking if she could come and meet Lily.”

  Grant is very silent for a long moment. I’m about to ask him if he’s still there, when…

  “What the fuck?” he rumbles.

  “That’s about what I was thinking,” I agree. “Anyway, to cut a long story short, she and I met on Monday to discuss things, and now she, Lily and I are going to the park today.”

  “So, you’re allowing Polly and Lily to meet?” Grant asks.

  “I don’t really want to but Lily wants to meet her,” I groan. “So, I’m trying to see where this goes.”

  “So, what did you need me for?” Grant asks, but there’s a knowing note in his voice; he’s already guessed why I’m telling him all this.

  “How did it feel when Jessica showed up and told you the truth about what happened when the two of you broke up?” I ask. There’s a desperate plea in my words that I hate, but I need to hear this. “I remember talking to you about it. You were still in love with her, though, and…”

  “And you’re definitely not in love with Polly,” Grant says.

  “Definitely not,” I say. I grimace. “Even if I was, she remarried.”

  “Ouch,” Grant says. “Look…when Jessica turned up, I was so angry, especially when I found out the secrets she’d kept from me. She stole three years from me, and nothing she said or did was going to make up for that.”

  “And now?” I ask. “The two of you are back together… You must have forgiven her?”

  “Yes…” Grant says slowly. “For the most part. I trust her enough to tell her I love her and to want to be with her. But there’s a part of me that still hasn’t entirely forgiven her. She did something terrible to me because she refused to talk to me about her worries.”

  It doesn’t compute, somehow, that Grant could be together with Jessica and yet still hold a bit of a grudge about what she did to him.

  “It’s not a grudge,” Grant says when I voice this. “It’s more…the knowledge of what she did isn’t going to go away. I can’t forgive her actions, but I can move past them. Every day, it’s becoming easier to focus on the future with her, though there are still hard days.”

  “Oh.” I frown. “But I can’t have something like that with Polly. We’re not together anymore, and we’re never going to be together again. I don’t trust her at all. I’m furious at her, and the excuses she gave me for her actions… They made sense, a little, but it all just made me feel even worse about everything. I wish she would just leave us alone.”

  “That’s probably normal,” Grant points out. “When I saw Jessica for the first time, I wanted her to just leave me alone. I would have happily pretended she didn’t exist if I hadn’t found out about Owen. Having a child with her dragged us back together, until I realized that I really couldn’t live without her in my life.” He snorts. “I don’t think you’re going to go through the same thing with Polly, though. As you said, she’s married, and ten years is a lot longer than three.”

 
“Yeah,” I say softly.

  “For what it’s worth, I think it takes a lot of fucking strength to do what you’re doing,” Grant adds. “You’re putting up with the woman that ripped your life apart and left you with all the responsibility, just so your daughter can know her mother. Polly doesn’t deserve what you’re doing for her.”

  “But Lily does,” I counter. “Fuck, Grant…I’d give Lily the world if could. Dealing with Polly is small compared to what Lily deserves from me.”

  “That’s why you’re a stronger person than me,” Grant laughs. “I almost told Jessica to fuck off, and that I’d have as little contact as possible with her in order to see Owen. You’re meeting with Polly, and now even going out with the two of them just to make sure your daughter is happy. She’s a lucky girl. I hope I can be even half the father to Owen that you are to Lily.”

  I swallow the lump in my throat. Is that the way my friends see me? I cough, trying to blink away the burning sensation in my eyes.

  “Thanks, man,” I say roughly.

  “It’s the truth,” Grant says cheerfully. “Look, I’d better go, I’m heading over the clubhouse now. Let me know if you need anything, okay?”

  “I will,” I assure him.

  “Good. Good luck.”

  “Thanks,” I say, and hang up.

  I’m not sure that talking to Grant answered any of my questions. I’m still unsure that this is going to work, and still very ready to tell Polly to get out of our lives. But I’m doing this all for Lily, so it has to be worth it.

  My phone vibrates again and I look down. It’s another message from Georgia.

  “Want me to come?”

  I really have the best fucking friends in the world. I smile at the message. I’m really tempted to say ‘yes’, but I’m not going to rock the boat today. I’ve already shown myself that I can handle Polly, and today is all about Lily, not my issues with my ex-wife. Bringing Georgia along will just cause problems that I don’t need.

  “No, but thanks.”

  Georgia replies instantly.