Secret Desires (Roughshod Rollers MC Book 4)

by Mia Ford

  “I’ll be on standby anyway ;)”

  I laugh out loud and finally rouse myself enough to slip out from under my bed covers. I can hear Lily rummaging around in her room already, likely too excited to stay in bed this morning. It’s time to face the music.

  I get dressed and shuffle out of my room. As I head to the kitchen, Lily’s door bangs open.

  “Dad, I can’t find my pink dress!” she cries.

  “Didn’t we wash that on Thursday?” I ask. “It might be on the washing line.”

  “But that’ll mean it’s still wet from the night air!” Lily says, horrified. “I wanted to wear it!”

  “Lils, it’s only eight,” I point out. “We’re not meeting your mom until two. There’s plenty of time for it to dry. We’ll go check on it at lunchtime, okay?”

  Lily pouts and then sighs.

  “Fine,” she says. “Can you braid my hair? Lucy was really jealous when she saw the braid you did for me on Wednesday! She said her dad can’t even do ponytails.”

  “What can I say, I’m just talented,” I reply, amused.

  I’m definitely not going to tell her about the hours of practice I put in on her dolls when she was younger. Since she was only five at the time, she’s likely too young to remember me sitting on the floor with her, painstakingly doing the hair of each of her dolls and slowly getting better each time.

  “Do you think Mom can do braids?” Lily asks, curiously.

  I feel a flash of irrational jealousy, and stamp it down.

  “Maybe, you’ll have to ask,” I say as evenly as possible.

  But maybe I wasn’t quite quick enough to hide my insecurity. Lily’s arms suddenly wind around me and she presses her face to my stomach as she squeezes.

  “You’ll always be the best at braids,” she says seriously.

  I chuckle and ruffle her hair, already messy from bed.

  “Thanks,” I say. “I’ll do your hair after breakfast, okay? We’ll make it really pretty and fancy.”

  Lily cheers and I try not to feel too petty. There’s part of me that wants Polly to see how well I can look after our daughter on my own, and making sure she’s dressed nice and that her hair looks good is one way to do it.

  “What do you want for breakfast?” I ask.

  “Pancakes?” Lily asks hopefully. “Georgia made pancakes the other week.”

  “Fine, but only because it’s a special day,” I say. “And when was this? I don’t remember getting pancakes for dinner.”

  “You had that stomach bug, remember?” Lily says, skipping ahead of me into the kitchen. “You only got toast.”

  “Oh, right, I remember that. Damn.”

  “Is Georgia coming with us today?” Lily suddenly asks hopefully as I turn the kettle on and open the cupboard, surveying the ingredients.

  “Not today,” I say.

  “What about you?” Lily asks.

  I glance at her. “Do you want me to come?”

  Lily nods so fast I’m surprised it doesn’t hurt her neck. I grin.

  “Well, you’re in luck, because it’s going to be me, you and your mom today,” I say.

  “Yes!” Lily cheers, pumping the air. “This is going to be an amazing day!”

  “I hope so,” I say softly.

  I’m still not convinced that things aren’t going to go wrong. For Lily’s sake, however, I hope it all works out.

  By the time two o’clock rolls around, Lily is a nervous wreck. She’s pacing a hole in the living room floor, her pink dress fluttering around her. Her hair is in a neat braid, a couple of flower clips wound into it. She’s nervous, though, which is beginning to make me feel anxious. As such, when the knock finally comes at the door, we both jump.

  “Want to get it?” I offer.

  Lily shakes her head quickly, gripping handfuls of her dress. I pat her hair carefully on my way past, not wanting to mess it up.

  “It’s going to be okay, just relax,” I say.

  I hear her inhale deeply several times as I walk to the front door. I’m not happy with how nervous Lily is; this is supposed to be something that makes her happy. I can understand, though; Polly is a stranger to Lily, and there’s probably a small part of her young mind wondering where Polly has been all her life.

  Polly, on the doorstep, is equally nervous, though. She’s twisting the strap of her handbag, a different one, I notice, in her hands. Her skirt and blouse are both pressed neatly, and her hair is perfectly straight. Her red lips give me a thin, tremulous smile.

  “Hello, Ethan,” she says.

  “Hi, Polly,” I say. “Come in; you can meet Lily before I go.”

  Polly pales slightly and nods. She steps inside as I open the door wider for her.

  “Lily is nervous,” I say in a quiet voice, not wanting my daughter to overhear. “Just go slowly.”

  “She’s not the only one,” Polly says, looking a bit sick. “I thought I was nervous coming to meet you…but I’m way more anxious this time.”

  I give her a wry smile. “If you’re nervous, she’s going to pick up on that, so try to relax.”

  I hear Polly following as we go the short distance to the living room. Lily freezes mid-pace as the two of us enter the room, looking up with a deer-in-headlights expression.

  “Lily?” I say, stepping aside. “This is your mom.”

  “Hi, Lily,” Polly says, and I’m pleased that her smile looks stronger.

  For a long moment, the two of them just stare at each other across the room. Lily inherited most of her looks from me; she has my shaggy, black hair, my slightly hooked nose, even my large ears. But her eyes, with their almond shape and long black lashes, belong entirely to her mother. Watching those two pairs of green eyes meet is strange, and makes me feel oddly like an intruder.

  Then Lily steps forward hesitantly.

  “Hi, Mom,” she says.

  Polly’s face crumples for the first time since I saw her earlier in the week. Finally, she looks like the genuine, expressive Polly I once knew, and I watch as she sniffles and approaches Lily, kneeling down so they’re on the same level.

  “I’m really happy to meet you, finally,” she says to Lily. “I’m sorry it’s taken me so long to come and see you.”

  Lily’s lips purse and then she nods firmly.

  “You’re here now,” she declares. “Dad said he’s coming with us. Is that okay?”

  She’s testing Polly, I realize incredulously. Polly seems to realize this, too, because she smiles slightly, not at all put out.

  “That’s fine,” she says. “Actually, I asked your father if he wanted to come with us.”

  Lily’s face lights up. Polly passed the test. I clear my throat and step forward.

  “Are we ready to go?” I ask.

  “Yes,” Polly says, beaming at me as she stands.

  “I’ll get my shoes,” Lily says, racing off.

  As soon as she’s gone, I turn to Polly. It finally feels, now that Polly and Lily have met and everything went okay, like this will go well. I’m feeling a little mischievous.

  “Careful,” I say casually. “I think Lily is thinking about trying to get us back together.”

  I struggle not to laugh. The expression on Polly’s face is priceless.

  Maybe this won’t be so bad, after all.

  Chapter Fourteen

  Georgia

  I try to concentrate on the report that I’m writing, which is due tomorrow. I’ve got all my research materials gathered around me as I sit cross-legged on the floor, a cooling cup of coffee beside me and my laptop open in the middle of it all.

  But I can’t. All I can think about is Ethan and Lily out with Polly today.

  I know that it wasn’t in the plans for Ethan to go with Polly and Lily. So what changed? I’m desperate to ask him, but he’s already said that he doesn’t want me to go with the three of them today. After the argument that almost broke out between Polly and me, I can’t say I blame him, especially since today is supposed to b
e about the meeting between Polly and Lily.

  I wonder if Ethan sent Polly a message and demanded to be able to go. But I can’t see Ethan doing that; he’s trying hard to do this for Lily, and, even if he was anxious, he wouldn’t try to change the plan on the day. He’d be more likely to sneak around after the two and secretly watch them.

  I try to imagine that, and I snort as an image of Ethan trying to hide behind a telephone pole comes to mind.

  So, was it Polly who changed things? Did she ask Ethan to come with them for some reason? It seems like the only possibility. But why would she do that? This is meant to be her day with Lily. Why would she want Ethan there?

  Then again, she didn’t want children. She’s also meeting the daughter that she abandoned over ten years ago. If I were in her shoes, I’d be anxious, too.

  I push my laptop away and slump back, picking up my coffee. There’s no way that I’m going to get any work done. I should have just snuck out and gone to check up on Lily, Ethan and Polly. I’m sure I could hide myself.

  Suddenly, my phone vibrates and I snatch it up. It’s five o’clock, a full three hours since Polly would have arrived to see Ethan and Lily. I open up the message and catch my breath as I see that it’s definitely from Ethan.

  “Polly gone. Lily visiting Allison. Come over?”

  Ethan dropped Lily at Allison’s? Why? I type a message back quickly.

  “All okay?”

  Ethan replies quickly.

  “Everything’s fine.”

  I frown. Ethan doesn’t lie to me. If he says everything is fine, then he’s likely telling the truth.

  “Okay,” I type. “Be there soon.”

  I grab my keys and head out to the door, closing the lid on my laptop as I go. I won’t spend too much time at Ethan’s. Just enough to settle my nerves so I can come home and finish my work.

  Ethan opens the door as soon as I arrive, which is unusual. He was no doubt waiting for me. I look him over, trying to find some sign of distress. But he looks fine; he’s unbuttoned the first few buttons on his nice shirt, and it looks like he’s run his hand through his hair a few times. But, other than that, he’s giving me a small smile and his shoulders aren’t tense.

  “Hey,” I say, walking toward him. “Everything okay?”

  “Yeah,” he says. “Coffee?”

  “I’d love some,” I reply, following him into the house. “I’ve lived on coffee today; I’ve been trying to finish a report and the deadline is tomorrow.”

  “Are you almost done?” Ethan asks as we head into the kitchen.

  “Almost,” I lie, trying not to think of the three lines I’ve written.

  Ethan putters around the kitchen and I lean against the table, watching him and waiting for him to tell me what’s on his mind. But he doesn’t say anything and I frown.

  “Did today go well?” I ask.

  “What?” He looks up, startled. “Yeah, today was good. Really good. Lily and Polly got along so well, I think it surprised Polly.”

  “That’s good,” I say.

  I frown. Ethan doesn’t look stressed. But there is something oddly manic about him, as though he can’t seem to stay still as he flits around the kitchen, making coffee. He looks more keyed up than I feel, and I’m the one who’s drunk nothing but caffeine all day.

  “So, what’s going on?” I finally ask. “You look like you’re about to jump out of your skin.”

  Ethan winces.

  “That bad?” he asks.

  “That bad,” I agree. “So, out with it; what’s up?”

  Ethan sighs and brings the coffee over. I take mine gratefully and sit down, making him slump into the chair beside me.

  “Polly and Lily got along really well,” he says.

  “And?” I ask. “That’s a good thing, right?”

  “Of course it is,” he says hurriedly. “Lily would be devastated if she and her mother couldn’t be friends. This is great for both of them.”

  I’m not sure I’m keeping up. I frown at him, trying to work out what the problem is, because there’s definitely a problem, somehow. Yet, Ethan says the day went well and that Polly and Lily got along…

  My thoughts stutter to a halt.

  Oh.

  “Ethan,” I say gently, and he winces, knowing I figured it out. “Lily isn’t going to suddenly say she wants to live with her mother because they had one good day together.”

  “That’s not what I’m worried about!” Ethan protests, but he doesn’t quite meet my eyes.

  “No, but you are worried about losing time with Lily,” I say calmly. “And you’re stupidly, irrationally worried that, eventually, Lily will love Polly more than you.”

  Ethan flinches. Bingo.

  “Which is never going to happen, you know,” I add. “Lily adores you and everything you do for her. Even if she grows to love her mom, she’ll always love you just as much. And probably more; you’re the one that raised her, you’re the one that’s always been there. Polly is never going to have the same connection with Lily that you have.”

  “I know that,” Ethan mutters.

  “You don’t, or you wouldn’t be so scared that you dropped Lily off at Allison’s so you could talk to me about this,” I say.

  Ethan snorts.

  “Lily was pretty confused, though happy to sit and watch some movies over there,” he confesses. “So were Allison and Kyle. But...I just needed to get this off my chest.”

  “I understand,” I say, putting my hand on his shoulder. “But, Ethan, listen closely to me, now, because I want you to hear me very clearly on this. Stop being such a damn idiot.”

  Ethan laughs.

  “Yeah, I am being pretty stupid, aren’t I?” he says, shaking his head. “But…Lily is going to spend more time with Polly, especially on weekends. I normally get weekends with her, but some of those Saturdays and Sundays she’s going to want to see her mom.”

  “That’s normal, Ethan,” I say. “It just means you’re going to need to adjust a little for that. It’s not going to be easy at first, but I know you’ll be fine. Polly isn’t going to take Lily away from you.”

  “I’m used to it being me and Lily,” Ethan says, grimacing. “It feels like Polly is intruding.”

  She is, in a way, but Ethan doesn’t need to hear that. What he needs is to center himself and remember that Lily loves him and isn’t going to leave him just because her mother is suddenly on the scene.

  “It’s going to be fine,” I say again. “Just wait and see. Polly won’t want Lily to live with her, anyway. She doesn’t want children, remember?”

  “She didn’t want them ten years ago,” Ethan says pointedly. “A lot can change in that time.”

  “Then if she wants children, she can have them with her new husband,” I say. “Come on, you’re just getting paranoid again. I hope you didn’t call me around just so you could tell me about your conspiracy theories.”

  “No,” Ethan says, half laughing. “I just needed the company, is all. Last thing I want is to start drowning my sorrows in beer. I’ll probably do something stupid.”

  Abruptly, all the air in the room seems to drain as the same thought occurs to us both. One week ago, Ethan did try to drown his sorrows in beer, which caused us both to do something extremely stupid. Memories of that night flash through my mind, despite how hard I try to suppress them, and I see Ethan pale and look away.

  On Sunday, when Ethan tried to talk to me about this, I cut him off. I didn’t want to talk about it, because I risked him being perceptive enough to pick up on my feelings. So, just like ten years ago, I cut the conversation dead and directed it elsewhere.

  It’s a lot harder this time, though. Ten years ago, Ethan was a mess. He didn’t want to think about what happened between us, because it was just one more thing for him to dwell on and feel bad about, so it was easy to convince him to just forget about it.

  In the present, however, Ethan is a lot stronger. He tried to talk about what happened, and now, i
t’s clear that he hasn’t forgotten about it either.

  “Georgia…” Ethan says slowly.

  Great. And he wants to try and talk about it again.

  “Didn’t we agree not to talk about this?” I say pointedly. “It’s over and done with. We did something stupid, and that’s all it was.”

  “Right.” Ethan frowns. “But I think I owe you an explanation.”

  That’s odd. My brow furrows as I look searchingly at him, trying to guess what’s on his mind. But his expression isn’t as open as I’m used to. Dread curls in my gut.

  “Look…we’re friends, and have been for a really long time,” Ethan says. “But this is the second time we’ve slept together, even if those times were really far apart.”

  “The first time, you called me Polly,” I point out. It’s cruel to say it, but I need him to stop talking before hope begins to flare. “I’m pretty sure you thought I was her.”

  “Did I?” Ethan winces. “I’m sorry. I can’t even remember what was going through my head back then. But this time, I definitely knew it was you, and I knew I wanted you. And that you were the only woman I would trust to be that intimate with.”

  My breath catches.

  “What are you saying?” I ask; I try to speak evenly, but my voice comes out wobbly.

  “You’ve probably noticed, but there hasn’t been anyone for me since Polly,” Ethan says awkwardly.

  Oh, yes, I definitely noticed. It’s probably one of the reasons I stayed at Ethan’s side for so long, where my heart could fool me into thinking that I’m the only one allowed so close to him.

  “Polly shattered…everything.” Ethan lets out a short, bitter laugh. “Even if I wanted to think about trying again, I don’t think I can. I’m too scared to.”

  I don’t know where Ethan is going with this. There’s a roaring in my ears and my heart is pounding. I’m really confused, and I don’t understand exactly what he’s trying to say. Part of me wonders if this is some sort of confession, and I can’t stamp the thought out before irrational hope sets in.

  “Yeah, it’s natural,” I say. I bite my lip. “Look, Ethan, it’s just something that happened. You were drunk, I got swept away in the moment…that’s all it was.”