Secret Desires (Roughshod Rollers MC Book 4)

by Mia Ford

  “But that isn’t fair,” Ethan says sharply. “You’re my best friend, Georgia. And maybe…” He hesitates. “I just don’t want to accidentally hurt you because part of you might think it meant something more.”

  Time stops. I feel oddly frozen. How ironic that he was worried that I might read more into that night, yet I didn’t until right this moment.

  Only to have despair crash down on me instead.

  “I didn’t,” I force out through stiff lips. I attempt a smile, but it feels like it comes out all wrong. “With the way you’re so concerned about that, I might think you’re the one reading too much into it.”

  “I’m trying to tell you why I can’t see anything more with…well, not just you, but with anyone,” Ethan stresses. “I have Lily to look after, too…and I don’t think I’ll ever love again after what happened with Polly. It was really unfair of me to jump you when I knew that was how I felt.”

  For a brief, insane moment, it felt like Ethan was going to give me everything I ever wanted. And then, in the next breath, he took it away. I stare at him. He probably doesn’t even realize what he just did. Stupid, big-hearted Ethan, who’s been stressing that I might want more, and trying to explain why it won’t be possible.

  It makes me suddenly angry.

  “Right,” I say. I push my chair away and stand. “I completely understand, Ethan.”

  Ethan looks up warily, perhaps hearing the tense note in my voice.

  “I’m sorry, maybe that came out all wrong,” he says. “I just didn’t know how else to say it…”

  “No, it came out perfectly,” I say.

  My voice sounds all wrong, like it’s not mine. It’s cold and tightly angry, and I can’t remember ever being this furious. I’ve given Ethan the rights to break my heart over and over again. But this time, I know suddenly, is the last time.

  “I’m sorry,” Ethan says, looking anxious, knowing he’s upset me, but not really understanding how.

  “Don’t be,” I say. The words slip out without permission. “You can’t help being a fucking coward.”

  The accusation hangs in the air between us. Ethan stares at me, shocked. Part of me wants to take back what I just said. But then more words follow it, and I can’t help it as they stream from my mouth, a build-up of tension and repressed feelings finally being let loose.

  “You want to say you’re traumatized because Polly broke your heart ten years ago?” I say. “Fine, so be it. But don’t put your issues on me. We slept together. Big deal, it was just sex. It didn’t mean anything. That’s what you want to hear, right? So you can go back to your life of self-imposed abstinence, pretending it’s all for Lily’s sake while you nurse that broken heart and cower away from the rest of the world.”

  Ethan isn’t saying anything. He’s just sitting there, stunned at the torrent of cruel words that are leaving me. Tears sting at my eyes. Everything, from the job offer, to Polly’s arrival, to waiting and waiting and waiting at Ethan’s side for the day he might remember I’m there, only for him to suddenly tell me, very clearly, that it’ll never happen because of fucking Polly… No, I can’t handle this.

  I need to get out of here.

  Ethan doesn’t try and stop me as I flee, the tears already flowing down my face.

  Chapter Fifteen

  Ethan

  There’s a knock on the door, and I stumble to answer it, feeling tired and drained. I’m not happy to see Polly on the other side, and I just give her an unimpressed stare as she tries for a hopeful smile.

  “I was hoping we could spend some more time together today?” She says. “Perhaps head to the mall?”

  I sigh and grudgingly step inside. I don’t really want her in my home, but she’s driven an hour and a half to get here. I can’t just send her away.

  Well, I could, a little voice that sounds a little like Georgia points out. But it would be incredibly cruel, and I just don’t want to deal with the fallout.

  “You should have messaged first,” I say as Polly steps inside. “I would have told you that today isn’t a good day.”

  “Are you sure?” Polly asks with a frown. “It’s Sunday, isn’t it? Do you and Lily have plans?”

  “Drinking coffee – juice for Lily – and watching movies all day,” I say bluntly as Polly follows me into the kitchen.

  She wrinkles her nose.

  “Do you do that every Sunday?” she demands.

  “No, on other Sundays we go to cult meetings and make sacrifices with goats,” I say, deadpan; I’m not in the mood for an inquisition.

  She glares at me, unimpressed.

  “I asked a serious question,” she says stiffly.

  “And I gave you a stupid answer; are we done stating the obvious?” I ask, stalking to the coffee machine and flicking it on, highly irritated.

  Needling Polly is probably not a good idea. But I’m in a bad mood. I have been since Georgia left yesterday, and for good reason. I just can’t get what she said to me yesterday out of my head. Her words spin around and around my head. Sometimes they make me feel angry. Others, just very sad or guilty.

  “You can’t help being a fucking coward.”

  “What the hell has gotten into you today?” Polly demands. “Did you sleep badly?”

  “You want to say you’re traumatized because Polly broke your heart ten years ago?”

  “Maybe I’m in a bad mood because my ex-wife keeps showing up, unannounced, at my door and demanding to be part of my life after she’s the one that ran away,” I snap.

  Polly’s eyes narrow.

  “I explained all that,” she hisses.

  “Whatever,” I mutter.

  “So you can go back to your life of self-imposed abstinence, pretending it’s all for Lily’s sake while you nurse that broken heart and cower away from the rest of the world.”

  I’m ready to just go back to bed and pretend that this day never happened.

  “Look…sorry,” I say reluctantly. “I didn’t sleep very well last night, and it’s been a bad morning. Lily isn’t up yet, but you came all this way, so you might as well wait until she’s awake.”

  “Thanks,” Polly says, her shoulders tense. She looks away and scowls. “For what it’s worth, I know you’re angry, but you’re still saying what’s really on your mind. I know that I can’t really blame you for still being upset.”

  From the way she’s glaring at the table, she definitely looks like she’d like to blame me for being upset.

  “Coffee?” I offer.

  “Do you have tea?” Polly asks. “I don’t drink coffee this early in the morning.”

  Funny, because my memories of Polly paint her as a prolific coffee drinker, morning and night. I hold my tongue this time, however, and search for the tea bags I keep stocked for the few guests I have that prefer tea.

  Once I’ve made the drinks, I hand over a cup and turn to wander into the living room. There are blankets and pillows everywhere, as well as an empty bowl for popcorn and a small stack of DVDs by the television. Lily, excited when I announced last night that today is a movie and pajamas day, had set it all up last night.

  Though, I’m aware that she expects Georgia to be joining us, as she always does. I haven’t told her, yet, that Georgia won’t be coming around today. Maybe she’ll try to rope Polly in instead.

  I glance at Polly, taking in her pressed, fancy clothes, and try to imagine her slumming it in the blanket and pillow pile Lily has built on the floor, eating popcorn with her perfectly manicured fingers. The image just won’t come.

  “Looks like you weren’t joking about movie day,” Polly comments, following me.

  “You thought I was lying?” I ask.

  “I just couldn’t be sure if you were messing around,” Polly counters. “Or lying to get me to leave.”

  I pause. Then, slowly, I turn to look at her.

  “Let’s get one thing straight,” I say in a low voice. “It’s no fucking secret that I don’t want you here. But I’m toler
ating this, because Lily wants to know her mother. If I wanted you gone, I would have shut the door in your face. I’m not going to sit there and lie to you to get you to leave when telling you to leave is so much easier and more satisfying.”

  We stare at each other, the air tense. I’m not sure who is going to snap first. Before anything else can be said or done, however, I hear Lily’s bedroom door open. Both Polly and I snap our heads up as our daughter shuffles through. She pauses in the doorway, staring with wide eyes.

  “Mom?” she says. “Dad? Wait…Mom, why are you here?”

  “We had a lovely day yesterday,” Polly says, turning away from me with a smile. “I wanted to visit you again. But your father says you already have plans, which is okay. So I’m just staying briefly to say hello.”

  Lily opens her mouth and I know she’s about to ask Polly to stay and watch movies with us. But then my daughter looks at Polly’s clothes and she snaps her mouth shut, guessing the answer before she even asks.

  “Thanks,” she says instead, smiling.

  Polly smiles back, completely at ease now that she and I aren’t facing each other down. Suddenly, there’s a ringing sound from her purse, and she fishes out her phone.

  “It’s my husband,” she says. “Sorry, do you have somewhere private that I can answer this?”

  “We have a small yard out the back,” I offer, glad to be rid of her even for a few minutes.

  Polly nods and strides away. I breathe a sigh of relief as all my tension decreases by a few notches.

  “You alright, Dad?” Lily says, jumping onto the couch.

  “Yeah,” I say, smiling at her. “Why?”

  “You were in a bad mood yesterday, after you picked me up,” Lily says with a shrug. “Did something happen?”

  “You can’t help being a fucking coward.”

  “No, no, everything is fine,” I say, wincing at the lie. I make it a point not to lie to Lily, but I’m not about to tell her what happened between Georgia and me.

  “Right,” Lily says, apparently unconvinced. “When’s Georgia getting here?”

  “Er…she’s not coming today,” I say.

  “Why not?” Lily asks, outraged.

  “She has an important deadline today,” I say, remembering that Georgia mentioned something yesterday, about something being due today. “So she’s really busy.”

  “I’m going to call her,” Lily says with a huff. “Can I borrow your phone?”

  Bemused, I unlock it and hand the phone over. Lily quickly locates Georgia’s number and rings it, putting it on speaker. It rings four times before Georgia picks up.

  “Ethan?” she asks warily.

  “No, it’s me,” Lily says. “Why aren’t you coming to movie day? You always come to movie day!”

  “Movie day?” Georgia asks, sounding confused, and I wince at the accusing look Lily shoots me. Then Georgia coughs. “Oh, right, that’s today. Look, Lily, I have an assignment due today, so I really need to get it finished. Sorry.”

  Shit, even when we’re mad at each other, we’re in sync. I shake my head and then paste on a smile when Lily looks suspiciously between me and the phone.

  “Okay,” she says slowly. “See you another day, Georgia.”

  “See you, Lily,” Georgia says. She pauses. “Tell your father I said hi.”

  Lily looks expectantly at me. I purse my lips and look away, not wanting Georgia to know that I was in the call too.

  “Okay,” Lily says.

  They hang up. Lily turns to me, crossing her arms.

  “Are you and Georgia arguing?” she demands.

  “No,” I try, Lily glares at me and I sigh. “Sort of.”

  “What about?” Lily asks, frowning. “Do you want me to help you fix it?”

  “No, no, it’s fine,” I say hurriedly. “Look, Lils, it’s just grown-up problems. We’ll fix it, don’t worry about it too much.”

  Lily looks unconvinced, as though she’s about to demand an answer so she can do something about it. I don’t even want to imagine trying to explain to her that Georgia and I had sex and that, when I tried to fix it, I just made everything horribly worse.

  The problem is, I know, somewhat, why Georgia is upset. I was scared that she might get the wrong idea, so I pushed her to arm’s length and tried to explain it away. What I should have done is asked her if we could discuss it. But, instead, I fumbled everything I was trying to say.

  Which isn’t surprising. I’m not entirely sure I knew what I was trying to say.

  And, in the end, if I’m honest with myself, I’m the one that’s running scared, here. Georgia’s right. I am such a fucking coward. All because I can’t get that night out of my head.

  Every time I let my mind relax, I think about it. Flashes of Georgia’s naked skin, of the way she threw her head back and groaned, are constantly going through my mind. All week, I woke up hard and needing a very cold shower after explicit dreams, all featuring Georgia. I was almost glad that she was so busy this week, because it meant that I didn’t have to see much of her while this was happening. The only thing that was able to, briefly, make me forget about it all was stressing about Polly.

  I just need to get Georgia out of my head. She’s my best friend. She’s beautiful, yes, and I trust her more than anyone, and I can’t imagine her not being in my life, and every time, after we had sex, when I began to think of relationships, I thought about her…

  I shake the thoughts out of my head. No. I need this to stop happening so everything can go back to normal. I don’t want a relationship. I don’t want a relationship with Georgia, in particular, because that would just ruin everything.

  Then again, Georgia is the only person that I could foresee trusting enough to have a relationship with…

  “Shit,” I groan.

  “Dad!” Lily gasps, and I abruptly remember Lily is still in the room. “You’re grounded!”

  “Right,” I say glumly. “Sorry, Lily. I’m just going to go outside to finish my coffee and find where your mom went, okay? You have breakfast, then we’ll get set up for movies.”

  “Okay,” Lily says, nodding and rushing to the kitchen.

  I sigh and wander over the back door. I wish I knew how to stop these traitorous thoughts. Maybe at some point in the week I’ll head to the Anchor Bar and talk to other members of the Roughshod Rollers. When most of them stop laughing at me, I might get some decent advice on how to stop these stupid thoughts going through my head.

  How ironic is it that only woman I am considering for a relationship is the only woman that I can’t have a relationship with? There are very few things that could ruin my friendship with Georgia, and trying for a relationship that will inevitably go wrong is one of those things.

  Not that I want a relationship with Georgia. No way. Even if it’s her, I can’t do it.

  Can I?

  I sigh and reach out to open the back door. I pause, however, as I hear Polly’s voice. It sounds like she’s still on the phone. I should leave, because this is private, but my feet are suddenly rooted to the ground. My paranoia over Polly’s sudden appearance hasn’t quite disappeared, and I could learn a lot from listening in.

  “I know,” Polly is sighing. The phone is pressed to her ear, and all I can hear from her is a soft murmur from it. “Yes, Warrick, I know, but…”

  She snorts.

  “That’s the easy part,” Polly says. “The place is a damn hovel.”

  I feel insulted. This is my home! I think it’s charming. For Polly, who’s probably now used to large houses and expensive furniture, it was probably little better than being on the streets, though.

  Then my eyes narrow. Why is Polly telling her husband her thoughts on the state of my home? I lean as close to the door as I dare.

  “Yes, I’ve already got the statements from my mother,” Polly sighs. “She was horrified to hear that Ethan’s mother passed away five years ago. Remember I told you that I told them that his mother took custody of Lily? Well, Mo
m is definitely willing to fight now.”

  My blood runs cold. What?

  “So, all we need is financial information,” Polly continues. “Judging by the state of his home and all the second-hand clothes they wear, it won’t be difficult to prove that Ethan isn’t financially stable enough to care for a child, at least.”

  I remember, distantly, Georgia assuring me that Polly wouldn’t want to take Lily.

  It seems she was very wrong.

  Part of me isn’t sure what I’m hearing. It sounds like Polly wants me to be declared an unfit parent. She and her husband are apparently working in the background to get Lily taken away from me. She’s even using the lie she told her parents so long ago to get her mother on board.

  What’s happening?

  My heart is beating too loud in my chest. If Polly goes through with this, if she submits evidence that I’m not capable of looking after Lily, and uses her own mother as a witness against my character when I have no one left to defend me against them…I’ll lose.

  And then I’ll lose Lily.

  Trembling, I lean against the door. What the fuck to do I do now?

  Chapter Sixteen

  Georgia

  I sigh and hang up the phone. Ethan didn’t tell me he and Lily were having a movie day. But I guess I can’t blame him after everything I said to him yesterday.

  “Why did you lie?”

  I look across the table at my companion. Hayley Reed is sitting there, digging into a slice of chocolate cake. She raises an eyebrow at me.

  “Didn’t you finish that piece last night?” she asks pointedly.

  “I had to tell Lily something to explain why I wasn’t going over,” I protest. “I couldn’t just say ‘your father and I argued last night, so I’m not comfortable coming around’.”

  “True,” Hayley commented. “I’m more confused about why you didn’t just tell her that you were out with me.”

  I grimace.

  “Because if I told her that, she’d start begging, and we’d both end up over there,” I say.