Secret Desires (Roughshod Rollers MC Book 4)

by Mia Ford

  I open my mouth to reply. Before I can, however, I hear the distant roar of a motorbike coming down the street. I gasp; Ethan is about to get home. I feel this irrational urge to run and hide. But my car is in the driveway, so he’ll definitely know I’m here.

  “Time to face the music,” Allison says with a grin.

  We listen as Ethan pulls into the driveway and then kills the engine. Tension sets in my shoulders as I hear him fumbling to unlock the door. Then he’s inside and I wait, barely daring to breathe as he makes his way toward us.

  When he arrives in the kitchen, he doesn’t look surprised to see me. He gives me a small smile, which makes me feel relieved; he isn’t mad at me. Then he turns to Allison.

  “Thank you for coming at short notice,” he says.

  “It’s fine,” Allison replies dismissively. “Lily is in bed. Are you sure you’re alright? You still look unwell.”

  “I’ll be fine,” Ethan assures her. “Thanks.”

  “Right,” Allison says. “Just know that I’m getting the whole story off Kyle.”

  “I expected that,” Ethan retorts with another small smile.

  Allison laughs and grabs her bag.

  “I’m off, then,” she says, stepping forward and hugging Ethan quickly. “Tell us if you need anything, okay?”

  “I will,” Ethan promises.

  “Good,” she says firmly. “Alright, have a good night, you too.”

  I want to tell her to come back. I don’t want to be left alone with just Ethan and my thoughts. But I don’t want to make Ethan suspicious, so I just watch as she leaves.

  As soon as she’s gone, however, Ethan turns to me.

  “I’m so sorry,” he says.

  I’m taken aback. He’s sorry? I’m the one that said all those cruel things!

  “I should have talked to you first, instead of just assuming,” Ethan says. “Are you still mad at me?”

  “No,” I reply. “If anything, you should be mad at me.”

  “I was, a little,” Ethan admits. “But I think we both handled that poorly.” He snorts. “So much for being adults that can communicate properly and deal with things.”

  I laugh.

  “Well, I’m sorry, too,” I say. “I didn’t mean to say what I did.”

  “It’s okay if you did,” Ethan says. “You weren’t really wrong. I am a coward. And I do hide behind needing to look after Lily to avoid relationships. But Lily is getting older now, isn’t she? I can’t use that excuse forever. Soon, I’m going to have to face it.”

  “It’s fine, Ethan,” I say, reaching out to pat him on the shoulder. “You know, Polly really got to you. It’s not something to get over easily, especially now that she’s back in your life. But we can work things out. You’ll get used to Polly being around, and we’ll always be best friends.”

  Ethan’s expressions twists when I mention Polly, as though he wants to say something. But he just purses his lips again and stays silent. I remember on Saturday, when he was afraid that Lily will eventually come to love Polly more than him. It’s absolutely ridiculous, of course, because Lily adores Ethan. No doubt a similar thought that he doesn’t want to voice is going through his mind now.

  “It’s going to be fine,” I repeat. The words “I love you” are on the tip of my tongue. But I hold them back for a moment. I am not going to confess while we’re talking about Polly Truman or Sanders or whatever the fuck her name is now. “If it makes you feel better, there’s a carnival that came today. They’ll open tomorrow. Want to take Lily on the weekend and forget about everything else?”

  “That sounds amazing,” Ethan sighs. “But I had to pay lots of bills this week. I don’t have much left.”

  “My treat, then,” I decide.

  “Georgia…” Ethan starts to protest.

  “Please?” I say. He pauses. “Let me do this for the two of you. You’ve been working really hard, and stressing about both Polly and Lily’s birthday on top of that. You need a break before you explode.”

  “I exploded a little this morning,” Ethan confesses. “Polly turned up without messaging first, and I kept snapping at her. We almost started arguing, but then Lily got up.”

  “I wish I had seen that,” I grin. “What did you say to her?”

  “Um…” Ethan frowns, thinking. “She said something about me being in a bad mood and asked if I’d slept badly last night. So I told her that I was in a bad mood because she keeps showing up and demanding to be part of our lives, and I pretty much said she had no right after she ran off.”

  I snicker. “Now I really wish I had seen that. I bet that didn’t go down well.”

  “It didn’t,” Ethan says, deadpan. “She wasn’t happy at all. As I said, if it wasn’t for Lily, it probably would have gotten ugly. I have you to thank for that, putting me in a bad mood.”

  “The one good thing that came out of that,” I joke. “Polly probably had no idea what was going on, especially since you guys had such a good day yesterday.”

  “Yeah, well, she’ll probably be back next weekend, so now I need to prepare for that,” Ethan mutters, looking reluctant. He pauses. “Fine…we’ll go to the carnival on Saturday?”

  “Sounds good,” I say. I smirk, because I know why Ethan gave in so quickly. “So you can message Polly and tell her that she doesn’t need to come around until Sunday.”

  Ethan quirks a smile.

  “Sounds good,” he says. His smile drops. “Though, maybe if I’m lucky, she won’t want to come around next Sunday.”

  I glance at him. Is it just me, or has Ethan’s anger at Polly somehow gotten worse? Maybe the two of them arguing this morning stirred a lot of old feelings for him? Still, something doesn’t seem quite right. I open my mouth to ask, but Ethan unintentionally cuts me off before I can.

  “I’m glad you’re not mad at me anymore,” he says quietly. “When you yelled at me last night, I didn’t know what to do. Still, it’s made me do a lot of thinking.”

  “Like what?” I ask, curious.

  “I am a coward, as I said,” Ethan sighs. “Even if I’m falling in love with you, I don’t know if I can just open myself up like that again. So I don’t know what to do.” He looks beseechingly at me. “I’m sorry.”

  There’s a roaring in my ears. Surely I just imagined that, right? I’m not even sure Ethan realizes what he just said. I open my mouth and close it several times. Finally, I manage to force some strangled words past my lips.

  “What did you just say?”

  Chapter Nineteen

  Ethan

  I blink, confused by Georgia’s question. I told her that I’m not sure if I can open my heart again, didn’t I? I just apologized, because she deserves that. Even if Georgia doesn’t look at me in that light, I need to tell her because of my actions a week ago.

  But why is she looking at me like that? Her eyes are wide and her skin is a shade paler. She’s gaping at me. What changed?

  Then, I realize what I just said.

  “Even if I’m falling in love with you, I don’t know if I can just open myself up like that again.”

  Oh.

  Fuck.

  My mind is a mess right now. Between Georgia and Polly, I have no idea what to do or what’s going on. I know I have to figure it out, somehow. Having this conversation with Georgia right now is the first step in dealing with that side of things. We both need to clear the air and put our cards on the table. Somehow, I’m falling for Georgia, but I simply can’t allow it. Georgia is my best friend…and even for her, I’m not sure I can’t put myself in that position again.

  Even if there’s a part of me, one that grows stronger every day, that wants to.

  But I didn’t mean to tell her that. I stare back at Georgia, all the color draining out of my face. Fuck, what do I do now? What do I say to her?

  “Um…” I try.

  But no other words come out of my mouth. Shit, the confession slipped out so easily! We had just been talking about Polly, and then
I told her how much it means that we can talk again after she was so mad at me and then…fuck!

  Can I take it back? How do I take something like that back? I can say that I didn’t mean it, but that would be a damn lie, and it would probably hurt her. Maybe we can just ignore I ever said that? I mean, even if I am developing feelings for Georgia (or, it seems, discovering feelings that have been there for longer than I knew), I just got through telling her that nothing can come of it because of my own damn insecurities. So, yes, forgetting about all this is definitely the right way to go.

  “Can you just…ignore that?” I try. “Pretend I didn’t say it?”

  Georgia blinks wildly.

  “No,” she says.

  I’m taken aback. Wait…what?

  “No?” I repeat. “Why not?”

  I feel a spark of anger. I’m putting myself on the line here. It should be simple for her to forget that she ever heard that. Nothing can come of it. We just need to put it out of our minds.

  Then the anger dies. What right do I have to be angry? Yesterday, I accused Georgia of reading something more into us having sex and tried to “fix” it. But, really, it was me that had read too much into it. If anything, Georgia has the right to be furious at me over this.

  “Please?” I try. “I didn’t mean for that to slip out, and nothing can come of it anyway.”

  Georgia steps toward me. There’s a strange gleam in her eyes that I don’t recognize. The way she’s walking is almost predatory, and it makes me feel oddly vulnerable. I swallow past the sudden lump in my throat.

  “I’m not going to forget it,” she says slowly. “Because I don’t want to.”

  “What?” I ask dumbly.

  Georgia steps close. I can smell her perfume. If I reach out, I could run my hands down her bare arms. Something tight curls in my gut.

  “Lily is in bed, right?” she murmurs.

  “Y-yeah,” I say, my mouth dry.

  She nods.

  “We need to talk,” she says. “Let’s go to your room.”

  My room…which has a bed, something that isn’t good right now as several thoughts start going through my head. I clear my throat and try to control my rising interest.

  “Can’t we just stay out here?” I ask.

  Not that sitting on the hard dining chairs is any better an idea. Last time, we were sitting at the table when we started kissing and groping.

  “Lily might wake up and overhear us,” Georgia murmurs. “Your room is more private since you can close the door. Come on.”

  She walks away, flicking the light off in the kitchen and plunging the house into darkness other than the tiny night light I leave on near the bathroom for Lily. I’m left with no choice other than to follow her as she leads the way to my room.

  Just talking, I tell myself. We’re going to have a calm, rational discussion about this.

  At least, that’s what I try to convince myself of, right up until the moment I snap the door closed behind me and Georgia pushes me up against it.

  “Georgia?” I ask shakily.

  “Do you know how long I’ve waited to hear those words from you?” Georgia asks huskily.

  “No,” I say. Her hands are sliding under my shirt. I swallow.

  “Since I was fifteen,” Georgia breathes.

  My thoughts stutter to a halt. When she was fifteen? That’s around the time I met Polly. Then…

  “Wait,” I gasp. “You mean...”

  “I’ve been in love with you for thirteen years, Ethan, just waiting for the moment you would notice me,” Georgia says. She presses a kiss against my neck and I shudder. “I’ve wanted you all that time, but it was never the right moment. You were so scared, both ten years ago and last week, that you thought you took advantage of me. But you didn’t. I wanted you. Did it never make you wonder why I slept with you so easily last week? Why I didn’t push you away?”

  “You said…” I trail off with a gasp as one of Georgia’s hands finds a nipple and pinches it lightly. “You said it was because it had been so long since you’d last been with someone and that you got carried away.”

  “I’m more surprised that you believed that,” Georgia murmured. She licked a stripe over my fluttering pulse. “No, I couldn’t resist you the moment you touched me. Even if I knew it wasn’t going to lead to anything, I couldn’t help it.” She looks up. My eyes have adjusted to the darkness, and I can see the way she’s looking at me hungrily. “I’ve waited for you all this time, Ethan. And you think you can tell me, finally, that you feel the same way I do and then try to ignore it?” She nips at my earlobe. “I don’t think so.”

  “Georgia,” I gasp. Fuck, I can’t think with the way that she’s touching me. I’m already hard. I know I need to push her away, to stop this so we can talk about it properly.

  But I can’t.

  “Yes?” Georgia murmurs. She looks at me daringly. “What are you going to do now, Ethan? I’ve just told you how long I’ve been in love with you. You, apparently, have been falling in love with me. Now we’re here, and I can feel how I’m affecting you. You want me, and I want you. So what’s holding you back?”

  There’s so much holding me back. Polly is back and trying to take Lily away from me. All I can remember is that terrible feeling of abandonment when I returned home ten long years ago. Georgia is my best friend and I can’t bear losing her when this all falls apart.

  But it’s hard to think about any of it right now. Georgia’s fingers are dancing over my skin and my mind is going into overdrive, asking why I can’t have this when it feels so good. I can’t deny that I want Georgia any more than I could deny it last week, drunk as I was. She’s beautiful and I noticed it even when I thought she was nothing more than a platonic friend. She’s strong-willed, kind and a wonderful person. She’s perfect.

  But I can’t…

  “Georgia, please,” I say, swallowing. “I can’t do it again.”

  Georgia leans in close. Her breath is teasing my lips, her hands now still on my ribs, branding my skin with the heat of her palms. She’s so near that it’s dizzying.

  “What happened with Polly…will never happen with me,” she breathes.

  She presses a soft, chaste kiss to my lips, which is unexpected with the way her hands had flown over me, building lustful heat. This kiss is sweet and full of promise, and I can’t help but kiss her back. I want to believe her, I realize. I want to believe that this is real.

  And, just like that, the fight goes out of me. She’s right. I want this. I want to feel Georgia again and taste her skin. I want to keep laughing with her and watching movies with her. I want to see her every day. I’ve always wanted this, which is why it was so difficult for me to consider sending her away for her own sake. But now, here she is, offering me all this. How can I say no?

  Slowly, we part. Georgia’s eyes are searching mine, looking for my answer, wanting to know if this was still okay. I’m not sure if it is. But, if it’s with Georgia…then I want it to be.

  My heart is beating fast. This feels like too big a decision to be making right now. Georgia must have seen something flash across my face, because she chuckles and kisses me softly once more.

  “Stop thinking,” she murmurs. “Just feel. What do you feel right now?”

  Right now? That’s easy. I lift my hands and put them on her hips, feeling her heated skin beneath her shirt. I know what I want right now.

  “Right now, I feel like I want you,” I say. “I want to feel your skin against mine. I want to fuck you.”

  The air stills and then changes all at once. Instead of calm, sweet and promising, it becomes fierce and heated. Georgia’s grip on me tightens and she steps in impossibly close, her eyes darkening with lust. Her curly hair brushes against me, the softest touch that sends shivers down my spine.

  “Then do it,” she says in a low voice.

  And I’m lost. I remember Georgia saying that she slept with me last week because she simply couldn’t resist me touching her. I
understand what that feels like; right now, with Georgia’s hands on me, her body lined up perfectly along mine, there’s no way I can stay away from this.

  I grip Georgia’s hips firmly, slowly moving my leg to hook around her. Then, with one sudden movement, I spin us around so that she’s the one pressed against the door. She lets out a little yelp as her back hits the hard wood, but her legs spread apart so I can fit between them, looking up at her as her arms wind around my neck.

  “I’m going to undress you,” I tell her. “I’m going to feel every inch of your body. And then I’m going to fuck you.”

  I feel her shiver under my hands. She grins and slowly rubs her body sensually along mine. My cock is painfully hard in my pants, now, and my breath catches as I feel her moving, her hips rolling against my body. Her fingers play with the hairs at the nape of my neck, which is far more arousing than it should be.

  “I can’t wait,” Georgia breathes.

  I growl and tug at the hem of her shirt, pulling it up and over her smooth stomach. My nails scrape lightly against her skin, over her ribs and the soft curves of her breasts, and then across her shoulders. Georgia raises her arms so that I can pull the shirt off, and I throw it away somewhere, hearing it land near the bed. Then I reach around her and unhook her bra, pulling it off too so that her breasts bounce free. Her nipples harden in the sudden chill air, and I knead them carefully in my hands, pinching the soft skin and playing with her nipples. Georgia’s back arches against the door at the sensations, groaning when I pinch the left nipple lightly, so I do it again to the right one, wanting to hear her make that sound again.

  “Fuck, Ethan,” she groans.

  “Not yet,” I say.

  I drop my hands to the waistband of her jeans, flicking open the button and pulling the zipper down. She wriggles her hips, expecting me to pull them down, but instead I slip my hand inside her pants until I’m feeling her wet panties between her legs. Georgia jolts and gasps, her hands reaching up to grip my shoulders to anchor herself. I press harder against her vagina, rubbing with increased pressure as she groans and writhes at my touch.