Secret Desires (Roughshod Rollers MC Book 4)

by Mia Ford

  It’s Thursday now. I’m supposed to be taking Ethan and Lily to the carnival on Saturday. I’d expected to speak to him about our plans before now. I even sent him a quick, joking message about him being in hiding yesterday.

  I started to get concerned when he never replied.

  Ethan always replies to me within the same day. Sometimes I have to wait several hours for a reply because he’s at work, but I don’t really care because I know he’ll get back to me eventually. If it’s something really important, I’ll normally call him, because I know he’ll pick up straight away, no matter where he is.

  I’m considering calling him now. I toss my phone between my hands, staring at it. I’m sitting at my desk at work, and I should really be concentrating on the story I’m supposed to be writing on my computer, but I can’t, not while this is hanging over me.

  Why isn’t Ethan talking to me? I tug at the curls that are falling over my eyes. I’m starting to get really stressed out by this. It can’t be a coincidence that, the day after we decided to give the feelings we share a try, Ethan suddenly drops out of communication.

  Was there any sign that Ethan was uneasy on Monday? I remember coming out of the shower to see him on the phone to Alex. He smiled at me as he went to have a shower but, now that I’m thinking of that moment without the happy, giddy glasses I was wearing, there was something off in his expression.

  Which didn’t make sense. He had been fine when I left him to get in the shower, watching me as I walked away, and I hadn’t been gone that long. What the hell could have happened to change things that quickly?

  We went shopping after that. Ethan focused intensely on the list he had brought, leaving me to push the cart while he ran around for the things he needed, barely staying in one place for long. I was amused at the time, wondering if he still had the jitters from everything that had happened between us.

  Now, though, I can’t help but wonder if there was something more to his behavior. Did he just not want to be by my side for too long?

  But then we went back to his house and watched television for the rest of the day. We stopped to grab my laptop from my apartment, and I focused on my research while Ethan slumped beside me…

  Not touching me at all. My eyes widen. After I returned from the shower, Ethan didn’t touch me once. I didn’t notice because I was working, and then we picked up Lily. When we all returned, Ethan and I had cooked dinner, stepping carefully around each other in the small kitchen, barely even brushing hands.

  Then, while we watched movies, Lily sat between us, like a wall. And, when I left, Ethan gave me a quick kiss before sending me off.

  Something is wrong. And, whatever it is, it started on Sunday.

  Was it Alex that he was speaking to? His expression was open when he mentioned speaking to Alex, though his jaw did twitch slightly when he said that they were talking about renovations. But why would Ethan lie to me about what they were talking about?

  Unless it was something to do with Polly. I scowl. That woman is the bane of my existence, I swear. She’s always in the background, ruining everything.

  I noticed, in the last week, that Ethan hasn’t spoken much about Polly to me. I guess it doesn’t surprise me, considering how the two of us had argued when she first showed up at Ethan’s door. He probably knows that I’m not going to have much good to say about the woman. The last time we spoke about Polly was the night I had called him a coward, when he confessed to being afraid Polly was going to take Lily away from him.

  And nothing since. Which is strange. Even if Ethan is trying to put focus on the relationship that’s changing between us, it’s odd that he hasn’t mentioned Polly at all, especially with the weekend looming. By now, Polly has probably contacted him about seeing Lily, and I wonder how she’s going to take finding out that Ethan, Lily and I are going to the carnival on Saturday.

  I bite my lip. I really need to call him.

  I dial his number and press my phone to my ear, looking around. No one is paying attention to what I’m doing while I’m supposed to be working, and my boss is in a meeting in his office. I jiggle my leg nervously as the phone rings and rings and rings. Finally it clicks.

  “Hello,” Ethan says, and I open my mouth to reply. “You’ve reached the phone of Ethan Martin. Please leave a message and I’ll get back to you shortly.”

  There’s a beep and I hang up, shocked. Never have I ever gotten Ethan’s voicemail.

  Maybe he’s up on a ladder, I try to tell myself. Or on the roof. That can happen. I usually avoid calling him during work hours, so I have no idea what he would do if his phone rings while he’s balancing precariously on the roof. Thinking about it like that, it’s probably more unusual that I haven’t gotten his voicemail before now.

  But I can’t stop the dread that’s forming in my stomach. Something is very wrong. This is too much of a coincidence. I swallow the lump in my throat.

  Has Ethan rethought things again?

  It’s the only thing that might make sense. I gave him some distance over the last few days, to get his thoughts in order. I thought he needed it. But maybe leaving him to his thoughts was the worst thing I could have done. It must have given his anxieties time to flare up again, reminding him of all the reasons why getting involved in a relationship was a bad idea, even if it’s with me.

  My heart clenches. What do I do?

  Suddenly, my phone vibrates. Shakily, I open it and read the message. It’s from Ethan.

  “We need to talk. Can we meet?”

  It sounds ominous. I swallow against the lump in my throat. How can this be happening? We talked about this, didn’t we? We both said that we loved each other, that we were willing to try. Ethan told me that I had won, that he had weighed everything that was important in his life, and I came first.

  So what’s happening? Why is this happening? I don’t understand. I swallow and send a message back.

  “Where?”

  A minute ticks by before I get a response.

  “Café outside mall?”

  There’s a small café near the mall which closes later, making it popular among workers who finish at five in the afternoon. It’s a nice place and I’ve been there with Ethan and Lily quite a few times. It’s very telling, however, that Ethan doesn’t want to meet me at either my place or his. He’s chosen a place where neither of us has the dominant ground, and either one of us could just walk away from the place at any time we choose.

  It does not bode well for this conversation.

  “Fine.” I send.

  Then I drop my phone to the desk. It lands with a clatter, turning a few heads, but I can’t bring myself to care. I already know what’s going to happen when I get to that café.

  Ethan is going to tell me that we can’t be together.

  It explains his silence over the last few days. I shouldn’t have left him alone. He’s gotten damn thoughts in his head again. I feel a swell of anger toward him. How dare he do this to me? I get that he has issues, but so do I, and most of them have been caused, however unintentionally, by him!

  “Georgia?”

  I look up tiredly. Lucy, who works at the desk next to mine, is leaning over with a concerned look.

  “Everything okay?” she asks.

  I think of the message and paste a strained smile on my face.

  “Yeah, sorry,” I say, and turn back to my computer, not wishing to continue the conversation any longer.

  Maybe I’m wrong, but I don’t think I am. This sinking feeling in my gut can’t mean anything else. I draw in a deep breath and put my hands to the keyboard.

  I can think about it later. Right now, I need to work.

  Ethan is already there when I arrive, staring down at the table. As I watch, a waitress carefully carries two mugs over, and he smiles tiredly at her. He’s the very picture of dejection, which doesn’t make much sense since he’s here to break up with me. Not that we can really break up, exactly, as we never really spoke about being together beyond a
cknowledging each other’s feelings. I wonder what lie Ethan has managed to spin for himself this time and I realize, abruptly, as I look at him, that I’m really done this time. Whatever comes out of his mouth, that’ll be it. I can’t handle trying over and over again, only to get shot down. If Ethan doesn’t want to be with me, so be it.

  I lift my chin and stalk over to him. He looks up as I approach and winces, which tells me all I need to know about the current expression on my face. I sit down across from him and breathe in the smell of vanilla. My heart clenches. He ordered my favorite drink for me.

  “I hope you don’t mind me ordering for you,” he says.

  “It’s fine,” I reply. Except, it’s not, because he’s about to break my heart, yet he’s also just shown how well he knows me. It really sucks. I’m not going to let him off the hook so easily, though. We’re both aware of what Ethan is here to say, but he can have the fucking courage to say it out loud. I deserve that. “So?” I say, taking a sip from my mug. Ethan swallows. He looks like he’s struggling with something as he stares down at the table, fiddling with the handle of his own mug. Then he steels his shoulders and looks up. I appreciate that he’s looking me in the eye for this but, at the same time, the determined look in his eyes makes my heart fall.

  “I’ve done something…” he says, and falters. He coughs and inhales deeply. “I looked at your phone.”

  Okay…that’s not what I expected. I stare at him, shocked.

  “I saw the message from your boss…and then found the other messages,” Ethan says. He isn’t meeting my eyes. “About the new job.”

  I take another sip of my drink, trying to school my expression into a blank look. I can’t be too mad; Ethan and I know each other’s passwords, and we’ve used each other’s phones numerous times.

  “And?” I ask.

  Ethan’s lips twist into a grimace.

  “You…haven’t decided what to do, yet, right?” Ethan asks. “Whether you want to take it or not.”

  “I don’t really know whether I want to take it,” I hedge, frowning. Where is this going? I don’t really understand what’s happening. “There’s a lot of factors to consider.”

  Ethan looks at the table. Then he takes in a deep breath and looks up at me.

  “Like Lily and I, right?” he challenges.

  I stare at him. I want to tell him that he’s wrong, because I think I’m starting to see what’s brewing in his mind. But I can’t, because he’s right. He smiles grimly, perhaps seeing the answer on my face.

  “I thought so,” he murmurs. He closes his eyes. “Ever since you decided to become a journalist… you wanted to be the best. Do you remember?”

  “Yeah,” I say slowly.

  He opens his eyes.

  “Now you have the chance for a promotion,” he says. “You’ll be in the city, getting huge stories. Your name will be in the papers for so many people to read. You’ll meet people that can take you even further in your career.”

  “So what?” I ask, suddenly irritated. “I have the right to decide what I want to do.”

  “You do,” he agrees. “And I have the right to decide the same.” He pauses. “I have the right to decide that I’m not going to be the one to hold you back.”

  “Hold me back?” I demand. “You’re not…”

  “I am!” Ethan interrupts. He scowls at me. “You waited for me for ten years, Georgia. In the time, you didn’t date. You spent all your time with us, helping me with Lily. Now this big job has come up, and you’re considering refusing it? For me? What if nothing had happened between us, Georgia? Would you have taken it?”

  I don’t want to answer that. But his eyes are burning and I remember, when I first got the job offer, that I had gone to tell Ethan that I was taking a job in the city.

  “Yes,” I say quietly.

  “Yes…” he repeats. Ethan has the conflicted expression on his face before he seems to come to a decision, nodding to himself. “You’re an amazing woman. But if we keep going like this, it’s just going to end in tears for both of us. You have your dreams to chase. And I can’t live with knowing I stopped you.”

  There’s a lump in my throat.

  “It doesn’t have to be like that,” I say. “Look, the job doesn’t matter…”

  “And it should!” Ethan says sharply. His face is twisted in anguish at my words. “This is your dream! I l…”

  He hesitates, the words not quite escaping his throat.

  “I care about you,” he says instead. “I can’t see you do this to yourself.” He takes in a deep breath. “I don’t want to be together with you if it means tying you down.”

  There it is. I knew a break-up was imminent. But I don’t know how to respond to this. What am I supposed to say? We’ll break up if I take the job. And, if I don’t, he’ll break up with me anyway, unable to bear what he feels he’s done.

  “I’m sorry,” Ethan says, and he looks almost as distressed as I feel.

  It’s not okay. I got my hopes up, and they’ve just been dashed to pieces. I feel my lips tremble, and I take in a deep breath. I’m not going to cry in front of Ethan. I know he thinks he’s doing this for my sake. But it hurts too much to appreciate it.

  “Still friends?” I ask with a tremulous smile.

  “Always,” Ethan says firmly and immediately. “Nothing will ever change that for me. You’re my best friend, the only person I trust in the entire world.”

  “So why can’t we be together?” A traitorous voice at the back of my mind wonders.

  “Same,” I say.

  We look away from each other, staring down at our drinks. It feels a little awkward, now, which I hate. It should never be awkward with Ethan.

  “So…about the carnival on Saturday,” Ethan says.

  Oh, god, no. I can’t do that. I love Ethan a lot, but that’s only two days away. How can I spend hours in his company after this? I need at least a week before I can do something like that.

  “I was thinking I might give it a miss,” Ethan says, and I look up sharply. He isn’t looking at me. “But Lily is still excited, so will you take her?”

  He understands. Of course he does. Ethan has always understood me better than anyone. I smile, and this time it feels more genuine.

  “Yeah, I will,” I say.

  Ethan looks up and smiles tiredly.

  “Thank you,” he says. He stands, draining the last of his coffee. “I better go rescue Grant and Jessica from Lily on a sugar high; her class had a party today, and she’s bouncing off the walls.”

  I snort.

  “Sounds fun,” I reply.

  “I’ll see you soon,” Ethan says.

  He waves and leaves. On the table is a bill, obviously intended to pay for the drinks. I sigh and pick it up. As I lean over the table, however, tear spots fall onto the wood, and I realize that I’m crying silently.

  I came into the café expecting him to end it. But that didn’t make it any easier, especially with the way it went down.

  I feel a vibration in my pocket, and I fish my phone out, avoiding the looks I’m starting to get. It’s from my boss.

  “I’m sorry, I need an answer soon.”

  He’s run out of time to run interference, then. I hesitate, and then send a message back.

  “I’ll take the job.”

  It’s time to live my own life.

  Chapter Twenty-Six

  Ethan

  Slowly, I put the phone down. In the living room, I hear Lily cheering at the television, still bouncing around as all the sugar she consumed today races through her system. Alex’s words are ringing in my ears.

  I have her.

  It’s the good news I needed today after what just happened with Georgia. I feel like the worst person in the world, especially after seeing the way she was struggling to hold back her tears. I almost didn’t go through with it; instead I wanted to get down on my knees and beg her not to accept the job.

  In the end, it was that desire that decided
it for me. I can’t be the one to hold her back from promotions and things like that. If I could, I’d just fucking go with her, but I have Lily to think about, too; I can’t just uproot her from her school.

  Which means I have to stay, and Georgia needs to go out there and find her place. She’ll be rubbing shoulders with important people…she has the talent and the ambition to go far. I’m not going to be the one who keeps her here.

  It was still so very hard, though.

  “Suck it up,” I tell myself.

  Now, though, I feel the first stirrings of optimism. Thanks to Alex, I finally have something to use against Polly. With luck, if I play my cards right and do exactly what Alex told me, I can get her and her husband to drop the case entirely.

  I pull up my messages and type a message to Polly.

  “Come around tomorrow. We need to talk about custody.”

  Long minutes pass before she replies.

  “Ok.”

  I tuck my phone away and breathe in deeply. I have a plan.

  Despite the fact that I didn’t set a time, Polly knocks on my door at precisely midday the next day. I put my coffee down, set my shoulders and head to the door.

  Showtime.

  “Hello, Polly,” I greet as I open the door. “Come in.”

  Polly has a hard look on her face as she steps inside. She’s holding a folder, which I assume must contain everything that she and her husband have so far put together for their case against me. It’s likely these are just copies, but I’m impressed, somewhat, that they’re professional enough to show me how they’re going to attack me now that I know everything.

  It also means that they’re confident enough in what they have to win, despite having told me what they’re going to throw at me.

  “Don’t you clean up?” Polly asks, grimacing at the shoes strewn in front of the cupboard.

  Well, one good thing is that she’s not trying to hide her feelings anymore. I knew from the moment she arrived that she hated this house, and now she’s the outspoken, blunt and often rude Polly I once knew.