Secret Desires (Roughshod Rollers MC Book 4)

by Mia Ford

  My first, immediate answer, is yes. I need to talk to him, anyway, and I’ve always been there for Ethan, through everything. But I need to think about it. Being Ethan’s best friend and going around there to talk to him about what’s bothering him will definitely be painful. Maybe it would be better to just stay away until…

  Until it stops hurting? I snort. Good fucking luck with that. It’s never going to stop. I’ll always look at Ethan and wistfully think about what I almost had with him.

  “What I could still have,” a tiny voice reminds me, and I think about the decision I made on Friday, and the promise I made to Lily yesterday; I’m not going anywhere.

  Despite everything, Ethan is still my best friend in the world. He’s always been there and I still want to be there for him. If I don’t go tonight, then I’ll just have to go through all of this again next time he messages or I need to speak to him.

  I can do this.

  Before I can second guess my decision, I send Ethan a message back.

  “Yes.”

  I wonder how that answer makes him feel. Dread at having to face me? Relieved that I’m not actually avoiding him? Happy that we’re starting to get back on even ground?

  My phone vibrates with an incoming message, and I glance at it.

  “6 ok?”

  Six? I glance at my clock. It’s four now. It’s been several hours since I first got that message. I raise an eyebrow. I was planning on going right now before I talked myself out of it. Why does Ethan want me to arrive at a specific time?

  I narrow my eyes. What’s going on here?

  “6 is fine,” I slowly reply.

  It’s not my nature to be suspicious. But Ethan is acting oddly. It’s Sunday, so he doesn’t work. Last night, Lily told me, specifically, that she and her father were just going to hang out at home today, so he doesn’t have to pick his daughter up or take her anywhere. So why a time when he’s usually always just told me to “come when you can”?

  “Thanks,” Ethan replies. “See you then!”

  The message is chipper, which also doesn’t make sense if Ethan is calling me over for some sort of problem. Maybe he just wants to talk, to find our footing after everything that happened between us? The thought warms me, but setting a time still doesn’t make sense, in that case.

  He’s up to something. I’m just not sure what it is.

  Then, suddenly, it dawns on me. Polly must be there. She’ll probably be gone by six, and that’s why Ethan doesn’t want me to go around. I’m half tempted to just go over there anyway; the woman needs to be knocked down a few pegs. But I roll my eyes and resist the temptation, heading into my living room to watch some television instead.

  I’ll just be patient and ask Ethan about it at six.

  I pull up in Ethan’s driveway and look around, confused. There are…a lot of cars and bikes parked around this house. There are three motorbikes and four cars, and none of them belong to Ethan.

  What’s going on?

  Frowning, I leave my car and head cautiously to the front door. The lights are on and I can hear people talking inside. I hesitate and then knock; normally, I would just walk straight in, but I’m not sure where Ethan and I stand right now, and if I’m allowed to do that. Also, I get the feeling I’m missing something about just why I’m here.

  The door swings open and Ethan looks out, confused. His expression clears when he sees me.

  “Georgia,” he says with a small, anxious smile. “Why didn’t you use your key?”

  Something in me warms. He was expecting me to just walk in. The smile I give him is genuine.

  “Sorry, I wasn’t sure whether I should with all these guests you seem to have,” I say. “You didn’t say you were having a party.”

  “Well…it was kind of a surprise,” Ethan says sheepishly.

  He steps back to let me into the house, and we head to the living room, where several people are crowded. There’s Grant and Jessica, with little Owen, Kyle and Allison. Hayley is there, too, grinning broadly, while Alex is skulking next to her, glaring at her. I repress a giggle, wondering what those two are arguing about now. Lily is bouncing around everyone, and, standing nearby…

  “Susie!” I say in wonder.

  “Hi, Georgia,” Susie says warmly, reaching out to give me a hug. She presses her check to mine and I catch sight of a mischievous smile on her face as she lowers her voice to a whisper. “You and Ethan really need to talk.”

  “What?” I ask as she pulls away.

  Susie just winks, looking highly amused.

  “Ethan decided to throw a party for you,” she says in a normal voice. “When he invited us, I couldn’t resist coming down to see you. The kids were excited, too.”

  I look around. Rory is playing in the corner with Daniel, Susie’s husband, and her other three children, the twins Alice and Fred, and the eight-year-old Isaac. It’s been some time since I’ve seen all of them, and I can’t help but smile despite the fact that I’m really confused about what they’re all doing here.

  “It’s wonderful to see everyone,” I say to Ethan and Susie. “But why’s everyone here? Why are you throwing a party for me?”

  “Ethan says it’s a farewell party,” Hayley calls cheerfully.

  I glance at her. She just smirks. Farewell?

  Wait…does Ethan know about my job offer?

  Slowly, I turn to look at him. He’s not looking at me, staring instead determinedly at the wall. I open and close my mouth, but I don’t know what to say.

  “Ethan?” I ask.

  “I know you took the job,” he explains, and then he turns to smile at me. There’s something both sad and determined in the expression. “I thought…well, everyone here loves you, and I thought a farewell will be nice. Just a small party to give you good wishes for your new job.”

  I stare at him.

  “How did you find out?”

  Suddenly, Ethan looks a little shifty.

  “Ah, we can discuss that later,” he says in a too-loud voice. “We have food!”

  He rushes off, heading to the kitchen. I watch him go and then turn to Susie with a glare. Hayley, the only other one who knows what’s actually going on, is snickering.

  “The two of you are first class bitches,” I say bluntly, and they both laugh. “Did neither of you think to tell Ethan the truth?”

  “That’s your job, little sister,” Susie says, clapping me on the back. “As I said; the two of you obviously need to talk.”

  “I’ll say,” I mutter. “How did he even find out about the job, anyway?”

  “I think Ethan did a little snooping,” Kyle says wryly.

  “Again?” I snort.

  “What’s the truth?” Allison asks, looking suspiciously at us.

  “Let’s just say that Ethan only has half the information, and I’m not actually going anywhere?” I say, rolling my eyes.

  Everyone stares at me. And then, slowly, the laughter starts. It’s incredulous, because Ethan has been telling everyone that I’m leaving, and no one knows what to say now that they’re here, at a farewell party for me, one that’s actually pointless.

  “Fuck,” Grant says, and then quickly looks in the direction of the children. Thankfully, Lily follows her father to the kitchen, and Susie’s are occupied, though Daniel does glare at Grant. “Sorry. But how did he mess up so bad?”

  “That’s what I want to know,” I say with a frown. I pause. “Still, this is nice.” A sly smile spreads across his face. “Want to see how long it takes him to figure it out?”

  “Fuck yes,” Kyle laughs, and then winces as Daniel’s glare darkens.

  Susie snorts. “Please, Daniel, you swear way worse around them all the time.”

  “I think that’s you,” Daniel says, rolling his eyes.

  I giggle. Susie is an engineer, and she tends to pick up some terrible language on the building sites. It doesn’t surprise me; Susie always had a foul mouth, even when we were teenagers, much to our mother’s despair.<
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  I glance toward the kitchen. I can’t believe Ethan. He went behind my back to throw this party, without having all the information. He didn’t even know when I was meant to be leaving; I never got the chance to tell him that it was a few months away.

  At the same time, though, a warm ball of happiness curls in my heart. Ethan did this for me. He wanted me to know that I was loved and would be missed. I’m not sure what to say about that. I am wishing, however, that I’d just talked to him about the job and my intentions in the first place.

  Though, I’m not the only one keeping secrets around here. I let a small smile curve on my face. Susie’s right; Ethan and I really need to talk. I’ll corner him after the party.

  If Ethan wondered why everyone suddenly seems so amused whenever he brings up my leaving, he doesn’t ask. For me and everyone else, it was no longer a farewell party but just a chance to be together. At one point, Lily put on some dance music, and I now have a video of her swinging Alex around the living room floor, despite his protests. Hayley laughed harder than anyone at that, and asked for the video afterward.

  Slowly, though, as children started to yawn, everything wound down to a close. Susie and Daniel are the first to leave.

  “We’re staying for a few days,” she explains. “We’ll catch up soon. After you and Ethan talk.”

  She winks at me as she leaves and I just roll my eyes at her retreating back. Allison and Kyle leave next; Kyle has work in the morning and Allison has class.

  “Oh, before we go,” Kyle says, pausing. He smiles at us. “Allison and I are going to look for a place together.”

  I beam and Ethan laughs.

  “About time, man,” Ethan says, punching Kyle lightly in the arm. “You took your time.”

  “He really did,” Allison says, rolling her eyes. “I ended up asking him.”

  I snort. That makes more sense. From behind, Hayley drapes herself over my shoulders, grinning madly as well.

  “Congratulations,” she says. “I’m going to head off, too; figured you might want some time to yourself. Do you want me to take Lily, Ethan?”

  “What?” Ethan asks, startled. “No…”

  “Yes,” I interrupt. I stare at him, challenging. “Ethan and I really need to talk.”

  Ethan clears his throat. “Uh…”

  “You can’t, Hayley,” Alex says, coming up from behind, frowning at the woman. “You have a client early in the morning, remember?”

  “We can take her,” Allison interjects. “I don’t have class until eleven tomorrow, so I can drop her at school before heading to the college.”

  “Thanks,” I say with a smile.

  “Don’t I get a say in this?” Ethan demands, exasperated.

  “No,” I reply bluntly. “You don’t.” I look over at Lily, who’s watching us all curiously. “Lily, is it okay if you have a sleepover at Allison’s? She can take you to school, too.”

  “Why?” Lily asks, brow furrowed; she never has sleepovers on a school night.

  I pat her head and give her a fond smile.

  “Your father and I need to have a long talk,” I explain.

  Lily looks between us. Then, suddenly, she throws her arms around me and looks up at her father.

  “Georgia was upset yesterday,” she says seriously. “Stop upsetting Georgia, Dad, okay? She’s an awesome mom.”

  Startled, Ethan and I look at each other. I can feel Hayley shaking with laughter on my shoulders, and Allison, Kyle and Alex are smiling at us. Ethan clears his throat.

  “Um…yeah,” he says. “I’ll be more careful.”

  “Good,” Lily says with a firm nod.

  I look down at Lily. How long has she thought of me that way? I feel my eyes burning as I lean down and gather the little girl into a hug, trying to collect myself. It shouldn’t be so much of a surprise, because I’ve done everything possible for this girl, but this is the first time she’s ever said it.

  We wave everyone off, Ethan fretting right up to the last moment whether Lily has everything for tomorrow or not on such short notice. Finally, though, the door closes, leaving Ethan and I alone in the house. We stand, staring at the doorway, for long moments, neither of us suddenly sure of what to say now.

  Then I gather my courage and turn to him. There are several things we need to speak about.

  “There’s a few things I need to say,” I tell him.

  Chapter Twenty-Eight

  Ethan

  I wince at the statement and cough awkwardly. I don’t want to do this. But she has the right to ask me questions, especially after I left her at the café on Thursday. I never gave her the chance to respond. I should have known she would seize the chance to do so when I invited her over.

  Maybe this party wasn’t such a good idea, after all. But I wanted to do something for Georgia to show her how loved she really is, especially after I did my best to smash her heart to pieces.

  “I’ll listen,” I assure her; I owe her this.

  “Good,” Georgia says. She straightens her shoulders. “Did you really think you have the right to try and force me into a decision?”

  Not what I expected her to go for first.

  “No,” I protest, but I can’t look her in the eye. “That wasn’t what I was trying to do.”

  “Really?” Georgia snorts. “So, you broke up with me because you wanted to, right?”

  Fuck, this is not the way I wanted this conversation to go.

  “I…” I falter, not wanting to answer that. “Technically, we didn’t break up because we weren’t really together.”

  Georgia steps in close, far too close. I can smell the floral perfume I’ve always liked on her. I don’t take a step back, because that would show her how much she’s affecting me.

  “You never even considered other options,” she says. “You just told me you’d break up with me, no matter what. Are you really that much of a coward?”

  I reel back, shocked at her harsh words. I open my mouth to respond, but she starts speaking again before I can.

  “We could have considered long distance,” she continues. There’s a hard look in her eyes. “Did you really think I was just going to roll over and accept you deciding what’s best for me? Especially when you can’t look me in the eye and tell me you want to leave me?”

  “I thought that you wouldn’t come around to badger me about a decision I’ve already made for myself,” I accuse.

  It’s cruel, but I need her to leave. It’s already been hard enough to tear myself apart from Georgia. She’s probably the only woman in the world that I’d ever trust and love again, and it can’t happen because I would only hold her back. Georgia could take on the world, and I’m just a simple construction worker in Philadelphia with a ten-year-old kid and a hell of a lot of baggage. She doesn’t deserve to have to drag me along behind her.

  “Are you serious?” Georgia asks incredulously. “You and I both know that this is only happening because you got it into your head that you’re some sort of burden on me.”

  I’m losing control of the situation.

  “I don’t need you to take pity on me,” I snap. “You need to live your life, and leave Lily and I to ours. You aren’t Lily’s mother!”

  The words hang between us, and Georgia’s eyes widen. I swallow. I didn’t mean to say that; she’s the closest thing Lily has to a mother, after all. But she can’t keep doing this to herself. She’s going to stagnate if she keeps tying herself to us.

  “Stop it,” Georgia says suddenly. Her eyes are searching my face, and she’s frowning. “This isn’t you. Why are you pushing me out, Ethan? What are you scared of? Is it still Polly?”

  I can’t help but laugh. Polly is gone, for the most part. I won against her, and she can’t threaten me or my family again. I haven’t heard from her since Friday, but I didn’t expect to, anyway. Eventually, she will probably contact me again to arrange for visitation, and I’m fully expecting to see a report, at some point, about Councilor Warrick Sanders
spending the day with his wife and step-daughter, but I’m okay with that as long as Lily is.

  “No,” I say. “She isn’t a problem.”

  “Then what is it?” Georgia demands. She steps in even closer. My chest clenches. She needs to move back, but I can’t bear to push her away. “What are you scared of?”

  I’m scared for her. I’m scared that she’ll look up one day and realize what she’s thrown away just because she wanted to be with a scarred, sad man with a daughter. She will regret choosing us, one day, and I don’t want to see that happen.

  Georgia’s eyes widen. She’s reading me just as easily as I’ve always been able to read her.

  “You idiot,” she says quietly.

  She takes one last step toward me, winds her hand around the back of my neck and yanks me down into a fierce kiss.

  I feel her furious passion. The kiss is angry and full of shock, disbelief and lust. It drags me down the moment she pushes her tongue into my mouth, lapping at my gums and battling with my own tongue. It’s impossible not to respond to this kiss, and I find myself deepening it, pushing back and fighting for dominance.

  When it breaks, I’m breathing heavily, panting from the overwhelming feelings that had just passed between the two of us. Georgia’s hands are curled in my shirt, gripping the material tightly and pulling me closer. The look in her eyes is equal parts desperate and hungry, and they’re shining.

  “There’s no reason for us to break up,” she says, and her body is shaking with suppressed emotion.

  Her breath is blowing against my lips and I shiver and the trembles run down my spine. I lean back, needing to put some distance between us before this goes any further, but Georgia leans with me, her eyes searching mine.

  She’s begging me. But I can’t step down from this, because Georgia’s life shouldn’t be so tied to mine. I can’t give her what she needs, and, eventually, she’ll realize it too. It’s far better for her to take the life she wants now, before she regrets walking away from it.