Secret Desires (Roughshod Rollers MC Book 4)

by Mia Ford

  Then my vision goes white. I cry out something, a garbled mess of words that don’t make sense at all. There’s a roaring in my ears, and I can feel Ethan trembling over me as he braces himself over me, panting in sync with me as our hearts thunder and our minds stutter to a halt from the sheer force of it all.

  Finally, though, everything calms. I lay there, staring up at the ceiling, and feel Ethan pull out of me before he crashes down beside me on the soft comforter. I swallow and then I look over at Ethan, breathing deeply as my heart settles. He’s already looking at me. I search for some sign of regret, but there is none.

  “Let’s go to bed,” Ethan suggests. “We can talk about it in the morning.”

  “Yeah,” I agree.

  We scoot further up the bed and collapse against Ethan’s pillows. Ethan grabs the covers and drags them over our naked bodies. Then he hesitates before shuffling toward me, nudging my shoulder with his as he lies down and drapes an arm over my shoulders. I smile and snuggle up to him, hearing his steady heartbeat as I press my head against his chest.

  Then I close my eyes, feeling his body relax.

  Despite deciding to go to bed, I know that neither of us will be asleep for some time, but we don’t want to disturb the contented peace that’s fallen over us. My breathing is deep and even, and I feel safe and secure nestled in Ethan’s arms. It’s everything I’ve wanted for so long, and I can’t bring myself to wonder what tomorrow will look like to us both.

  Right now, everything is just perfect.

  Chapter Thirty

  Georgia

  I wake slowly. I’m curled around Ethan’s side and his arms are wrapped securely around me. I glance at the clock. It’s five-thirty in the morning. I almost roll over and go back to sleep, but then I pause.

  Both Ethan and I need to work; I promised my boss I would come into the office today, and Ethan has to be at his site. It might be ridiculously early, but now is the best time for us to wake and actually talk about what happened, before any other thoughts get in our heads.

  I should probably also tell Ethan that I’m not actually leaving.

  “Ethan,” I say, shaking his shoulder.

  Ethan grumbles and rolls over. I snort at him.

  “Ethan, wake up,” I say, shaking him harder.

  He groans and opens his eyes. He squints at me in the darkness.

  “Georgia?” He mumbles. “What time is it?”

  “Er…” I glance at the clock. “You probably don’t want to know. But you need to get up. We need to talk before we go to work.”

  For a moment, it doesn’t look like Ethan will wake up. Then he groans again and pulls himself into a sitting position.

  “Fine,” he grumbles. He squints at me. “It’s really fucking early, Georgia.”

  “That’s because we go to work early,” I point out.

  I stare at him and he stares back. Suddenly, I don’t know what to say. We’re both sitting, naked, in bed, about to talk about what has led us to this point. Ethan, surprisingly, is the one to break the silence first.

  “So…now what?” he asks tiredly.

  “What do you mean?” I ask, frowning.

  “Let’s not beat around the bush,” Ethan says, running a rough hand through his hair. “You’re going to New Jersey. How is this supposed to work? I mean, I’d love to come with you, but I can’t do that to Lily. And you can’t commute every day, you’d be exhausted at the end of the week, then there’d be no point in you getting a promotion if you can’t do a good enough job.”

  I stare at him. From the way he’s making these points, he’s obviously thought about this. Of course he has… It’s just that he decided, before, that it couldn’t work and tried to break us up so I’d chase my dream.

  “Ethan,” I say calmly. “There’s something you need to know before you go any further.”

  “What?” Ethan asks.

  “I didn’t take the job.”

  For a long moment Ethan doesn’t say anything. He simply looks at me, as though he can’t comprehend what I just said. He blinks slowly.

  “Huh?” he manages.

  I pat his hand.

  “I’m…well, furious that you tried to control my life like that,” I admit. “But sort of flattered that you thought you were doing what was best for me. It’s kind of sweet, in a way, though I would have preferred that you didn’t break my heart while trying to do right by me. But, yeah, it was all meaningless; I refused the job.”

  “What?” Ethan gasps. “Why? A job like that is an amazing opportunity! Ever since you were at college, you’ve talked about being a national journalist!”

  “Dreams change, Ethan,” I say gently. “There will be other opportunities, and, in refusing this one, I actually got a better one.” I smile at his stunned expression as he struggles to realize that everything he’s done this week was pointless. “I mean, there was a moment where I did accept the job, so you weren’t completely wrong.”

  I think back to that. Rashly, I had sent my boss a message, accepting the job, my heart broken and wanting to just leave Philadelphia to get away from it all. But then, on Friday, I woke up knowing that I’d done the wrong thing.

  I didn’t want to leave. I love living here, I love the people here, and I love my job. Going to the main office might mean a little extra money and credit, but it wouldn’t be worth it if I couldn’t be happy. I really looked at what this job would offer me, and I decided that a very small raise and meeting a few extra people for more prestige wasn’t worth losing everything I loved. When I went into work the next morning, I apologized to my boss, and told him that I couldn’t take the job after all. He was very understanding, and I think he was pleased that I was choosing to stay with them.

  So pleased, in fact, that he made me another offer at the end of the day.

  “I got a promotion,” I say to Ethan. “I’m now a senior reporter, and, from next week, I’ll be managing my own team. It also means I’ll be traveling to other officers and meeting lots of new people.” I grin. “In the end, staying at my office is going to give me way more opportunities than moving to the main office.”

  “What the fuck?” Ethan breathes. “So…everything, it was all…?”

  “Yeah, sorry,” I say, shrugging. “You probably should have talked to me before you organized a farewell party for me.” A thought suddenly occurs to me and I look at him sharply. “You didn’t tell Lily, did you?”

  “Not yet; she just thought we were having a party,” Ethan says, his lips twitching. “Which, as it turns out, is a good thing.”

  “Yeah,” I laugh. “Anyway, that’s that. I’ll be staying in Philadelphia, and I’ll get to travel across the country every now and then. I might even get to go overseas! I think I’ve gotten the best deal, here.” I give him a side glance. “On top of that, if someone wants to stop being such a damn idiot, I might also have a new boyfriend?”

  Ethan gazes at me. Then he breaks into helpless laughter.

  “I really am an idiot, aren’t I?” he asks rhetorically. “I’m sorry I jumped to conclusions. When I found out about the job, it just felt like you were putting your life on hold again for us.”

  “Again?” I ask, curious.

  “It’s obvious, Georgia,” Ethan says, smiling slightly at me. “For ten years, you’ve been by my side, helping me with Lily, no questions asked. For some time I’ve felt like I’m taking advantage of your kindness, and that you’re not living your own life because you’re too busy helping me with mine. I felt like this even before we slept together and everything got so confusing.” He shakes his head. “It made me feel like such a fucking bastard. And then learning that you were putting off this amazing opportunity because you were helping me with Polly? That hurt.”

  “Not that I helped you much with Polly,” I point out. “You barely told me anything.”

  “Well…I thought you had enough to think about,” Ethan admitted. He pauses. “Though, it turned out my paranoia was right.”

&
nbsp; “What?” I ask, startled. “What do you mean by that?” I feel indignation rise. “What did she do?”

  “What did she almost do, you mean,” Ethan corrected. He smiled, smug lines all over his face. “I stopped her, with Alex’s help. I overheard a conversation when she was speaking to her husband. To cut a long story short, she was making a bid for custody of Lily, and she was doing it behind my back. She even had statements from her fucking family, who believed her lies when she left me.”

  “Are you serious?” I gape. “What the fuck, Ethan? How could you not tell me about this?”

  “Every time I went to tell you, it felt like a bad time,” Ethan says wryly. “I mean, I overheard that conversation the night after we had that argument. Then we were so busy talking about what was going on between us that I didn’t get around to it. I might have told you on Monday…but I found those messages on your phone.”

  I blink.

  “Wow, you’re right, it was all really bad timing, wasn’t it?” I muse. “So, when you were on the phone to Alex…?”

  “I asked him to investigate Polly and her husband,” Ethan admits. “I was desperate at that point. I knew that, if it went to court, I’d lose, and they’d get Lily, no matter what she wanted.”

  I knew Ethan was lying about something at that time, I just didn’t know what or why.

  “What did he find?” I ask.

  Ethan grins. There’s satisfaction almost radiating from him.

  “Alex is awesome,” he tells me. “He tracked down Polly’s psychologist and convinced her to provide a copy of her diagnosis letter that mentions Polly’s lies, as long as it wouldn’t be used in court. He emailed it to me, keeping the original copy in case Polly destroyed the one I had. We also found that Warrick Sanders is impotent, and he’s currently running against this guy who’s a real family man.”

  I gasp.

  “That’s why they wanted Lily?” I ask, furious. “That’s disgusting!”

  “That’s what I said,” Ethan agrees. “Anyway, I confronted Polly on Friday. She told me everything they’d investigated about me, and showed me the statements from her family – they really hate me, by the way – and offered me a deal. She said if I signed over custody now, they’d pay me and I’d get whatever visitation rights I wanted. I told her to get fucked.”

  “Good,” I say. I’m absolutely outraged. How did I not know about any of this? I’m impressed with Ethan, though; it’s a mark of how much stronger he’s gotten that he can face Polly down and fight her. “I guess she didn’t like that.”

  “No.” Ethan grins. “And she hated it when I told her I’d take the case to court just to draw it out until after the election.”

  I laugh.

  “Anyway,” Ethan continues. “I gave her the psychologist’s letter, and threatened to post it online or take it to the papers. It would hurt her, but it would hurt her husband more, especially with the elections around the corner. We came to an agreement.”

  “What sort of agreement?” I ask.

  “She and Sanders drop the case, for a start,” Ethan says. “Also, she’s allowed visitation, but she’s not allowed in my home. She has to run every visit by me first, and I don’t want to speak to her in person. I don’t want to see her other than when I drop Lily off or pick her up. I’ll allow Lily to visit her home. I also sent her message yesterday and stipulated that Lily has the right to refuse to do anything; that means, if she’s not comfortable having her picture taken for the paper, which Sanders will try to arrange, then it doesn’t happen.” Ethan shrugs. “It might be petty banning Polly from my home, but it made me feel better.”

  “Honestly, she’s lucky she got anything,” I say. “If I were you, I would have told her to fuck off, and she’s not allowed to see Lily at all.”

  Ethan gives me a small smile.

  “Lily doesn’t know about any of this,” he says. “And I don’t want her to. She still wants to get to know Polly, and that’s okay. I think she’ll be suspicious when her mom stops coming to our home but, when she’s older, I’ll sit down with her and explain what happened. Right now, I’m okay with her hanging out with her mom, and I don’t think Polly will hurt her.” He gives me a thoughtful look. “Right before she left…Polly thanked me for fighting. Said she didn’t want custody, and she was glad she didn’t have to fight for it anymore. It felt like that was real.” He snorts and shrugs. “Though, who knows. I’m not letting my guard down, anyway.”

  “I think you’ve done the right thing,” I say quietly. “You’re right, Lily is still the most important person in all this, and she deserves to be allowed to see her mom, even if her mom is a piece of shit that doesn’t deserve Lily.”

  That surprises a laugh out of Ethan, and I grin. I thought I hated Polly before but now, hearing this story, the woman is lucky she isn’t standing in front of me right now. I’m glad, though, to know that Polly will never be around here again. This house is Ethan’s place, and he doesn’t need his past to creep in and bring him down. I laugh softly to myself. From what Ethan’s saying, however, he’s finally conquered that past.

  “I’m proud of you, Ethan,” I say.

  “Thanks,” he responds, smiling at me.

  Then I reach out and punch him, hard in the shoulder. He yelps and rubs it, glaring at me.

  “What was that for?” he complains.

  “Lots of things; do you want a list?” I ask, raising an eyebrow. “For snooping in my phone, for jumping to conclusions, for not telling me what was happening with Polly… I know several lawyers, Ethan. I could have spoken to any of them about your rights. Any one of them would jump at the chance to help. You know one of the lawyers; remember Valeria Griffin, an old friend of mine?”

  Ethan opens his mouth to reply and then closes it, staring dumbly at me.

  “I…forgot about her,” he says blankly. “I was so concerned about how to afford a lawyer, and I forgot you have friends who could help.”

  I roll my eyes. “Seriously, Ethan. At the very least, hearing about your rights and possibilities could have taken a lot of stress off, you idiot. Next time, try to remember that you’re not alone, okay?” I look him in the eye. “I told you this before, but get it through your thick head. You have so many friends that would help you if you would only ask. I would do anything for you. You don’t have to take so much on yourself.”

  Ethan clears his throat and looks away.

  “Don’t be a hypocrite,” he says roughly. “You keep trying to take on all my burdens, which is why I got so stressed when I saw you were putting that job off.”

  I can’t help but laugh. Really, the two of us are a foolish pair, aren’t we? We try to do what we can for each other, and forget that working together would make things so much easier. I shift closer to Ethan and lay my head on his shoulder, smiling fondly. His hand finds mine and clasp it.

  “How about, from now on, we just talk about what’s worrying us,” I suggest. “We’re pretty awesome on our own, but we can do so much better together.”

  “I don’t know,” Ethan says teasingly. “I did trick Polly into backing down by myself.”

  I snort and shake my head.

  “You’re such an idiot,” I say.

  Ethan shifts and I look up. He cups my cheek and leans in, kissing me softly. His lips brush lightly against mine, and the contact is sweet and promising. He pulls back, and his eyes are warm and full of the love I’ve always dreamed of seeing in them.

  “I’m your idiot, remember?” he asks. He pauses. “I love you.”

  I swallow and tears gather in my eyes as I kiss him again. I’ve waited so long to hear those words.

  “I love you too,” I say softly.

  I smile and lay my head on his shoulder again. Part of me wonders if we’re going to have to go through this again, but, somehow, I don’t think we will. Finally, everything is out in the open. Now we can finally move forward.

  Together.

  Epilogue

  Ethan


  “Wait, careful…!”

  “Dad, I’m losing it!”

  “Fuck!”

  “Dad!”

  I dart forward, dropping the balloon I’m holding, but I trip over the chair that I was standing on. Thankfully, however, Georgia is also moving, and she manages to grab the chocolate cake Lily is holding before it ends up on the floor.

  “Please be careful, Lily,” she sighs. “If you dropped this, there’d be no cake.”

  Lily winces.

  “Sorry, Georgia,” she says. She pauses. “Dad said a bad word.”

  “I heard him,” Georgia says, her lips twitching. “Let’s just say this was a special occasion and let him off the hook?”

  Lily turns to give me a considering look. On the floor, I smile sheepishly at her.

  “Fine,” Lily says importantly. “But only because it’s my birthday.”

  “Thanks,” I laugh. I groan and pull myself to my feet. “Ow, that hurt!”

  “Can you still put the balloons and streamers up?” Lily asks anxiously.

  “Priorities, Lils,” Georgia says, amused. “Are you okay, Ethan?”

  “I’ll live,” I sigh. “And, yes, I can still put the balloons and streamers up. You better keep blowing up those balloons, though, instead of picking up the cake.”

  “I might put it in the fridge for now,” Georgia says, picking up the white box.

  “I just wanted to see it,” Lily pouts.

  “And you almost saw it all over the floor,” I tell her. “You’re the one who wanted me to put these up, so get moving.”

  Lily grins at me and hurries to the pile of balloons so she can start blowing them up. Yesterday, she begged Georgia and me to decorate today. Not only did she want balloons and streamers on her birthday, but she wants them up for the party that she’s having on Saturday. Between us, we decided we’d decorate when Georgia and I picked Lily up from school after work.

  Unfortunately, it’s been harder than it really should have been. It really shouldn’t be that hard to put up streamers, but the fucking things keep getting tangled. Then I accidentally ripped one strand when I stepped on it. Not to mention the balloons that keep popping because Lily was blowing too much air into them.