My Favorite Sin

by Lina Langley

  He stares at me for a second, then drops his gaze to the ground. He clears his throat before he speaks. “Good,” he says. “It’s what you’ve almost wanted to do, right?”

  I swallow. “There’s something else,” I say. “I—Montgomery and I—”

  “Yeah,” he says and scoffs. “I figured.”

  I swallow. “It’s not like that,” I say. “It’s not like it’s something that’s going to last, Cy. I don’t—I don’t want to leave with things being bad between us.”

  He swallows. “So you thought you’d sleep with him?”

  “Honestly,” I say. “Yes. You’re always telling me to live my life. What happened to team Alex?”

  He sucks in his lips and crosses his arms over his chest. “You’re right,” he says, closing his eyes and rubbing his temple. “You are. I’m—”

  “No,” I say. “I owe you an apology.”

  He shrugs his shoulders. “No, you don’t,” he says. “I expected you not to make things awkward and I did a pretty good job of that myself.”

  “It’s okay,” I say, closing my eyes. “I just want things to be the way they were before. Before any of this happened.”

  He laughs quietly. “I don’t,” he says. “Have you ever thought about what I want?”

  I nod. “Of course I have,” I say. “You want to go to LA, make it in the music business. Right?”

  He glares at me, but then he sighs. “Sure, I guess.”

  “Is that not what you want?” I ask.

  He scoffs, his arms now crossed over his chest. “Don’t, okay? Don’t.”

  “Cy…”

  He sucks in his cheek. “You made a decision,” he says. “For the first time in your life, I guess. So you have to live with the consequences.”

  “I’d rather have you,” I say. “Your friendship is the most important thing in the world to me.”

  He exhales through his mouth and then puts his face in his hands. “I can’t do this, Alex,” he says, his voice muffled by his fingers. “I can’t be around you and pretend that everything is normal, that I have no feelings for you, and that I’m okay with you and Montgomery. I know it’s my fault, I know I should have told you, but—”

  I hug him. I can’t stop myself, not when he’s this upset. “I’m sorry,” I say.

  He puts his hand on my shoulder and hugs me back. “Are you going to keep seeing him?” Cyrus asks into my shoulder.

  I swallow. “He’s a fling,” I say. “Someone I can fuck and never think about again after it’s over. You’re family.”

  He holds me tighter then.

  CONTINUE

  I spend the rest of my summer having sex with Montgomery and ignoring the upcoming change in my life. He knows it’s a fling, I know it’s a fling, but it works. I thought it might be complicated, but it isn’t. It just works, and it’s the most sex I’ve probably ever had in my life. Somehow, there’s nothing hotter than being told that I need to walk around naked all day when I wake up in the morning, because otherwise, he won’t fuck me.

  He ends up sneaking up behind me and asking me to beg him when I’m doing the dishes or he starts taking my pants off when I’m reading a book. I’ve never been as exhausted or horny in my life. I’m also aware that we’re probably sleeping together so much so I can avoid the reality of what’s coming. Montgomery is going to remain here and I’m never going to see him again and that’s what I want.

  At least, I think that’s what I want most of the time, but when he falls asleep in my bed and I wake up next to him in the morning, there’s a part of me that thinks maybe this wouldn’t be so bad. When I notice that he buys food he knows I like, even though he doesn’t have to, or that he now always takes two beers out of the fridge instead of one… it makes my heart jump in my chest.

  I want to talk to Cyrus about this, but I’m giving him space. We still hang out, but we don’t talk about Montgomery. Cyrus has asked me a couple of times if I’m still sleeping with him and there’s nothing I can do but nod, because I am and I don’t want to stop. Cyrus just moves the conversation along, but I always worry about having hurt him.

  The time for me to leave is getting close, though. For Cyrus, too. Everything is going to change soon and I need to make absolutely certain that Cyrus and I are okay. I call him when Montgomery is at work and he arrives at my place. He always looks tired lately.

  “Hey,” I say when he sits down on the couch. I hand him a beer, which he takes with a frown.

  “These are yours?”

  “No,” I say. “He doesn’t mind sharing.”

  Cyrus’ eyebrows shoot up, but he says nothing. “That’s good.”

  “When are you leaving?”

  “Officially moving on the twelfth,” he says and takes a sip of his beer. “I’ve got a little apartment I’m renting for the next few months, and if it doesn’t work out, I guess I can just come back.”

  “No, you can’t,” I say, grabbing his hand. “And you won’t, because it’ll work out.”

  He looks at me and smiles, but slowly moves his hand away. “I hope you’re right,” he says. “I mean, I’ve already been for the trial meetings—”

  “And they love you—”

  “And it went well, but nothing is a dead cert,” he says, smiling again. This time, it looks a little more sincere. “What about you? Are you looking forward to seminary?”

  I nod, but I don’t think it’s very convincing. “Yes,” I say. “I am.”

  “Sounds like you are,” he says.

  I shake my head. “I don’t know, Cy,” I reply. “I thought that by now, I’d be more excited. Instead…”

  “Instead, you keep picturing what life would be like if you could just stay with Monty?”

  I swallow. “How—I mean, no, but how did you know that?”

  He laughs and shakes his head. “I didn’t,” he says. “Not until now. But now I know.”

  “Cy—”

  He smiles at me. “It’s okay,” he says. “Look, I get it. You’re my friend. I’m happy for you, seriously.”

  “You are?”

  “Yes,” he says. “Look, I get it, I’ve been licking my wounds and honestly I’ve been sort of a dick about it. You didn’t deserve for me to get angry at you for no reason. I am team Alex, babe. I know it might not seem like that, but I am.”

  “I know that,” I say.

  “You should tell him.”

  I bite the inside of my mouth. “He only wants a fling,” I say. “And I’m going to be a priest.”

  He closes his eyes and shakes his head. “Alex—”

  “No,” I say. “I mean, I appreciate the support and everything, but I’m going to be a priest. I’m not going to stop it for someone who doesn’t want me.”

  “How do you know he doesn’t want you?” he asks.

  I shrug my shoulders. “He made it very clear that this is a fling,” I say. “And I don’t want to force him into anything. If he doesn’t want me, then he doesn’t want me, and that’s that.”

  “But you haven’t even asked,” he says.

  “I know,” I reply. “And I don’t intend to.”

  He looks at me and opens his mouth to say something, but I hold my hand up before he does.

  “I can’t think about it, Cy,” I say. “I can’t think about it because I know nothing is going to happen between us, nothing of consequence, and I—it kind of breaks my heart a little bit. I mean, I would still dump him for you in a second if that was what you wanted—”

  “No,” he says, reaching out and squeezing my shoulder. “That was selfish. I just want you to be happy.”

  I nod. “Then this is the easiest way,” I say. “Going to seminary is the easiest way. Cy, I wanted to ask you for a favor. How much would you hate driving me to the airport?”

  We stop talking when we hear the door unlock. Montgomery walks in and smiles at me, then sets his gaze on Cyrus and smiles at him. He’s waving at both of us.

  “When you leave for seminary?�
� Cyrus asks. “Sure. I can definitely drive you to the airport.”

  Montgomery’s gaze darts between us. “Huh.”

  “What?” I say as I turn to him, then immediately finish my beer.

  He shrugs. “I don’t know,” he says. “I guess I was under the mistaken assumption that I would be the one taking you to the airport.”

  “We can both go,” Cyrus says. “You’ll need a car and mine will be big enough for his stuff. And for you. That way, you can say a proper good bye. How does that sound?”

  Something flashes in Montgomery’s eyes, but I don’t know what it is. “Sure,” he says, shrugging his shoulders. “I don’t care.”

  He walks into his bedroom without saying anything else. When he closes the door behind him, Cyrus turns to look at me. “Crisis averted?”

  “Sure,” I reply, my mouth dry. “I guess.”

  CONTINUE

  I’m sitting in the passenger seat of Cyrus’ car, like I have so many times, and trying my best to make it seem like I’m not struggling with this decision. I’ve already called Lawrence to thank him for everything he did for me and he wished me luck, so there’s nothing left to do but sit here as Cyrus and Montgomery make idle chitchat.

  My bags are in the back of Cyrus’ car and they keep moving around the vehicle every time he takes a turn. Montgomery is sitting in the backseat, talking about a sketch he liked from last night’s variety show. He’s so busy, it feels like he never sleeps, I realize as I look at him over my shoulder.

  I swallow and tell myself to look ahead.

  I’m leaving my life behind and I should be happy, but I’m not. I’m just worried about what life is going to be like when I get there. I haven’t yet made arrangements for when I get there, except for a room for a week in a motel, which should allow me to do that.

  I should feel relieved. I don’t feel relieved, I feel the pit growing in my stomach as we get closer and closer to the airport. Cyrus looks at me. “Babe, are you okay? You look like you’re going to throw up.”

  “I’m okay,” I say.

  Montgomery sticks his face between the driver and the passenger seat. “Are you sure? You really do look like you’re going to hurt,” he says. “And you don’t want to fuck with this leather.”

  “I’m not—I’m not going to throw up,” I reply, rolling my eyes. Montgomery’s face is very close to mine and I want to kiss him, but I can’t. Not when I’m so close to leaving. We haven’t slept together since I made arrangements to go to the airport, but it’s not because I haven’t tried to initiate. He just hasn’t been up for it. I don’t press him, because a no is a no and I don’t need any reasons other than he doesn’t want to do it, but I’m going to miss him so much, I wish we got a chance to spend more time together before I left.

  Montgomery looks at Cyrus. “He might,” he says. “You might want to pull over.”

  Cyrus laughs. “I should,” he says, but he keeps driving. We see the first sign for the airport over the bridge and I can feel my heartbeat getting quicker.

  “Okay,” I say. “You’re right. You’re right. You need to pull over.”

  They exchange a look and laugh quietly. I don’t appreciate the fact that they’re laughing at me, but right now, there’s not much I can do about that. Cyrus pulls the car to the shoulder of the road and I open the door to feel the cool air on my face. Montgomery gets out of the car and walks around with a water bottle.

  He leans down next to me and strokes my back. “Hey, choirboy,” he says, a smile on his face. “It’s going to be okay. You’re just getting last minute jitters.”

  I am, he’s right, but not for the reason he thinks. Cyrus is getting out of the car himself, but Montgomery turns to him. “Hey, Cy, could you get a paper bag for Alex? He does look pretty unwell,” he says, then goes back to talking to me.

  That’s it. That’s all he had to say. I can feel it erupting out of me, but it isn’t vomit. It’s feelings.

  “I didn’t want to tell you,” I say. “I wanted to, but I didn’t. I thought you’d think I was being so stupid, but I don’t want to go.”

  Montgomery furrows his brow. “What didn’t you want to tell me?”

  I close my eyes. I don’t want to see his face when I tell him this. “That I wanted to stay,” I say, my voice trembling. “That I’m pretty sure I’m in love with you and I wanted to stay, because that’s a lot to put on you, but the last few weeks have been the best weeks of my life.”

  “You’re in love with me?” Montgomery replies. I open my eyes to see him in front of him, his eyes wide.

  “I know it’s a lot,” I say. “I know, I just—”

  He doesn’t let me keep talking. He kisses me softly on the mouth, his hand on my cheek. It’s a sweet, long kiss, his lips firm and soft against mine. He moves away from me.

  “I don’t want to go,” I say. “I don’t want to scare you. But I don’t want to be without you.”

  I watch his throat work as he swallows. “What about seminary?”

  “I don’t want to do that,” I say. “I never did, and I think, deep down, I always knew it was about you.”

  He watches me, tilting his head slightly. “But what are you going to do?”

  “I don’t know,” I say. “I don’t care, either. I want to find something I love, not something that I want to do because I feel like that’s what it should do. But I don’t want to pressure you into anything or—”

  “No,” he says, biting his lower lip. His green eyes are shining in the sunlight. “I would follow you to the end of the world.”

  I blink. “What?”

  “I love you too,” he says. “And I want you to be happy. That’s why I didn’t tell you I had feelings for you, because I thought this was what was going to make you happy.”

  “Montgomery…”

  He leans forward to kiss the tip of my nose. “Are you feeling better?”

  There are tears in my eyes when I nod. “Yes,” I say. “Yes, I do.”

  “Good,” he replies. He stands up and looks over at Cyrus. “Get in the car.”

  “Get in the back,” I hear Cyrus saying from the driver’s seat. “With your boyfriend.”

  I laugh and grab Montgomery’s hand when he holds it out to me. We get in the back of the car together and I get close to him as he puts his arm around me. He kisses the top of my head, then whispers in my ear. “I’m glad you’re staying.”

  Cyrus laughs from the driver’s seat. “I’m glad he’s staying, too,” he says, a smile on his face. It doesn’t look fake, it looks real, and for the first time since we fought, I feel like I have my best friend back. “And Monty, you owe me $20.”

  “I know,” Montgomery says, rolling his eyes. “What can I say? I didn’t think he’d confess.”

  “You made a bet about whether I’d confess?”

  “Yes,” Montgomery replies. “And I’m happy to lose the money.”

  Cyrus and Montgomery both laugh as I close my eyes, a smirk on my face. For the first time in a long time, everything feels like it’s going to be okay.

  THE END

  Author’s Note

  First of all, thank you so much for taking the time to read my book. I hope that you enjoy reading this book as much as I enjoyed writing it. If you like my work, you should know there are ways you can support me without spending any money at all. I wouldn't be anywhere without your help. Authors rely on readers like you.

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  About the author

  Lina Langley is a first-generation immigrant. She currently lives in sunny Florida and spends her time slashing hot strangers while getting coffee.

  Her past is haunted by spies, thieves, tyrants, and murderers. A resident of the world, she’s lived on three different continents. She first saw a radiator when she was twenty-two years old, and one time she followed a cat instead of going to a house party.

  She likes to read, watch TV, and play video games when she’s not developing them. The rest of her free time is spent recreating her own characters in The Sims and hoping that people don’t look at the back end of her games.