Craving Lily

by Nicole Jacquelyn

  We’d lost people, and the pain of that would never go away, but finally, we could try to move on.

  A cheer went up around the room as everyone realized I’d arrived, and suddenly Rose’s arm was around my waist and she was forcing me to take a bow with her.

  “Knock it off, nutjob,” I hissed.

  “No way,” she replied, smiling. “I’m milking this shit.”

  I laughed as we stood straight again, then let her lead me around the room. I’d visited most of the people in the crowd since I’d gotten my sight back, but it was still nice to be able to see their faces again. It was amazing to me that a couple of weeks before, I’d never even seen most of the kids. I’d been making up for lost time with Charlie, my nephews, and my cousin Will’s daughter, Rebel, but most of the other kids still seemed brand new to me.

  Even though I could see, I still couldn’t look across the room and yell at the kids by name when they were being little shits. I had to be close enough to hear their voices in order to know who was who. It was weird.

  Less than an hour into the party, I’d been pulled into a chair by one of my cousins and was busy watching and laughing as the boys in my family played a game of poker where the winner seemed to be the person who could cheat the best without anyone seeing them do it. We were crowded around the small table like sardines in a can, but no one left as the game got rowdier and rowdier.

  “Oh, what the fuck, Willy,” my brother Cam heckled. “That was fuckin’ blatant. Are we just doin’ whatever we want now? ’Cause if that’s what we’re doin’…” He reached for the deck in the middle of the table, and my cousin Tommy slapped his hand like an old woman.

  “Don’t touch that!” Tommy ordered.

  “New hand!” Cam demanded, tossing in his hand of cards.

  “You can’t just decide for the table that we’re startin’ over,” Will argued in disbelief.

  “Oldest.” Cam pointed his thumb at his chest. “Makes the rules.”

  “Oh, bullshit,” Tommy yelled, throwing his hands in the air. “Foul!”

  “Foul?” Will asked, his brows pulled in so far they practically met in the middle. “We’re not playin’ fuckin’ basketball, ya pussy.”

  “Cam’s fuckin’ cheating.”

  “We’re all cheating!” Will and Cam yelled at the same time.

  Jesus, it didn’t matter how old they got, if you put the three of them together, they turned into children again. I wondered how the dynamic would have been different if Mick was still around. I had a feeling most of their nitpicking would be directed at him, as the youngest. As it was now, the only person missing from their little group was Leo, but none of them said a word about him as Tommy reluctantly dealt the cards again.

  I glanced around the room, but didn’t see Leo anywhere. I was sure that he was somewhere around, though. He lived at the club, and I was pretty sure he wouldn’t hide out at his parents’ house even if he was avoiding me. That seemed a little immature for the guy who’d been so insistent that he was too old for me.

  “You playin’ this round?” Tommy asked me, pulling my attention back to the table.

  “Sure,” I replied. “Hit me.”

  “Hit me, she says,” Cam joked, pulling at one of my braids.

  I waited and watched as the hands were dealt, then laughed under my breath as I lifted up my cards.

  “Two,” Will ordered.

  “One,” Cam said next.

  “I’m good.” I shrugged as Tommy took two for himself.

  “She’s smiling,” Will said, pointing at my face. “Why’s she smiling?”

  “I’ve been watching her. She’s bluffing.”

  “Maybe,” I said, leaning back in my chair. “But are you sure?”

  The boys all stared at me, and Tommy winked.

  “Call,” he murmured.

  I set down my cards face up and laughed as Cam and Will started yelling. Somehow, and I have no idea how he did it, Tommy had dealt me a royal flush.

  “Ma!” Cam yelled over the noisy crowd. “Come get your daughter! She doesn’t understand the goddamn rules of poker!”

  “How the fuck did you do that?” Will asked in bewilderment, lifting up my cards and looking them over. It was like he couldn’t even fathom that Tommy had been the one who’d cheated on my behalf.

  “You win?” my mom asked, coming up behind me. “That’s my girl.”

  “Take her over with the women,” Cam ordered, “This is a man’s game.”

  He dodged as my mom swatted at his head.

  “And just like a man, he can’t handle it when a woman beats him,” she joked.

  “I have to pee anyway,” I announced, standing from the table.

  “You just want to leave before we beat you!” Will called out as I walked away from the table.

  It was so crazy being able to navigate the room without touching anything. I wound around tables and people easily as I made my way to the back hallway. Thankfully, when my mom had taken me to the doctor right after my sight had come back, they’d promised that my depth perception would correct itself, and it had. The first couple of days, I’d bumped into things as I’d misjudged how far away they were, but after that, it was pretty smooth sailing.

  The bathrooms in the hallway looked like they’d just got a good scrubbing, so I slid into one and did my business. I probably wouldn’t get so lucky the next time I was at the club, but it was kind of freeing being able to use any bathroom I wanted without the worry of stepping or sitting on something unpleasant. Plus, since they were having a family party that night, the chances of a vomit disaster were pretty slim, unless one of the kids had some sort of sugar overload.

  I knew I shouldn’t, but as I left the bathroom, I detoured toward Leo’s room and knocked on the door. If he was hiding out in there, I wanted to clear the air. He really didn’t have to avoid me, if that was what he was doing. I could be an adult about it.

  When he didn’t answer the door, I knocked again.

  He’d kissed me and then changed his mind. Maybe he didn’t like it or something. I mean, it was pretty damn good for me, but I really had no way of knowing if it had sucked for him.

  My Aunt Callie came out of my Uncle Grease’s room right as I turned to walk back down the hallway.

  “Hey kiddo,” she said, smiling. “Enjoying your party?”

  “More than I thought I would,” I said dryly as she wrapped an arm around my waist.

  “What, you didn’t want a big party to commemorate your sight?”

  “It’s weird,” I said, rolling my eyes.

  She squeezed my waist. “Your mom is just excited for you, sweetheart.”

  “I know, that’s the only reason I showed up.”

  “Sometimes, you just have to grin and bear the shit other people do for you, even when it sucks.” She grinned. “Your uncle fixes shit that doesn’t need fixed all the time, and I just say thank you as he tears apart my kitchen to fix the dripping faucet that only needed a new washer.”

  “Thank God this party isn’t going to take weeks, the way that kitchen remodel did.”

  “Amen, sister.”

  I laughed as we entered the main room, but as soon as my eyes hit a familiar figure, my entire expression dropped.

  Leo was standing near the bar with a very pretty blonde.

  I looked away and kept moving toward the middle of the room with my aunt, but I couldn’t stop myself from glancing back at him.

  His hand was on her back. Really low on her back. Almost on her ass, which is where I was sure it was headed. She was leaning against him easily, like she’d been there before, and she was talking to Rocky, another guy from the club, as if she knew him.

  I swallowed hard and turned away, just in time to meet Rose’s eyes. She was playing pool with my Uncle Grease as little Rebel walked around, picking up pool balls and setting them back down in random spots. I shook my head at Rose, and raised my chin.

  I didn’t want to talk about it. I didn’t want
to think about it or worry about it or even remember that he was there. I just wanted to enjoy the party that I hadn’t even wanted to go to.

  “Ah, the guest of honor,” Uncle Grease said, wrapping me in a bear hug as I reached them. “I was wonderin’ why I hadn’t seen you yet. You been hidin’?”

  “Nah.” I hugged him back and grinned a little at the familiar feeling of his massive chest and arms. “I was playing poker with the boys.”

  “They teachin’ you how to cheat?”

  “I beat them.”

  “Thatta girl,” he said, patting my back proudly before letting me go. “Now I’m gonna beat your cousin in pool.”

  “Dream on, old man,” Rose said haughtily, strolling around the table. “Me and Reb are gonna take you down.”

  “Only way you could beat me is if I was drunk and had one arm tied behind my back,” Uncle Grease boasted. “And neither of those two things are happenin’ tonight.”

  “I don’t know about that,” Aunt Callie said, sliding onto a chair near the pool table. “How many beers have you had, handsome?”

  “Two,” Uncle Grease said, holding up five fingers.

  I laughed and leaned against one of the tables against the wall. I glanced around the room, ignoring the spot where I’d last seen Leo. He’d made his point, bringing that woman.

  He might have been the first guy I’d ever kissed, but I promised myself he wouldn’t be the last. I was young, as he was so fond of pointing out, and there would be others. Of course there would. I had one more year of high school and then I’d be off to college, away from Leo and any reminders of him.

  I just had to get through one more year.

  Reaching up, I pushed a fist against my churning stomach, the soda I’d drank threatening to come up at any second. Unconsciously, my eyes moved toward the bar and met Leo’s. Our eyes held for a long time until he tilted his head down in apology and turned away.

  Just like that, it was over.

  Chapter 9

  Leo

  “The motherfucker is back in Oregon?” Will asked in disbelief, leaning forward in his chair.

  Even though Will’s road name was Moose, I never called him that in my head. I’d grown up with the fucker, had seen him piss himself and pick his nose. It was hard for me to see him as anything but Will.

  “Word is, he’s in Portland at the moment,” my Gramps verified darkly.

  “How’d you hear that?” Hulk asked, glancing around. “You sure?”

  My dad shook his head. “Poet’s contacts up there are trustworthy—haven’t ever given us bad info. Had Nix check it out, he verified.”

  My Uncle Nix wasn’t a part of the club, but was considered an honorary member, if there was such a thing. He was my Grandma Amy’s son and lived up north. Clean cut, mostly, but he was always willing to help out when he could. Because his life was so different than ours and he’d gone to great lengths to keep it that way, we kept him as far away from the business as we could out of respect.

  “It can’t stand,” Grease said quietly, staring at the tabletop. “Only one reason he’d come back here.”

  “Don’t know his plans, yet,” Gramps said.

  “Doesn’t matter,” Tommy replied. “Don’t need to know the plans to stop them.”

  Casper looked at the door and Will reached behind him, making sure it was latched tightly.

  “Need to send someone up,” Casper said, locking eyes with my dad. “Got no other choice that I can see.”

  “I’ll go,” I said, before anyone else could get a word in edgewise. “Crash with Uncle Nix for a few days and take care of it.”

  The old timers’ eyes widened in surprise, but they didn’t contradict me the way I was expecting. Instead, they watched me closely, until I felt the urge to squirm in my seat. Finally, after one of the most uncomfortable silences I could remember, my dad spoke.

  “You can do it?” he asked. “Got one shot. He sees us comin’, the man’s gone.”

  “I can do it,” I replied with a nod.

  “We sendin’ anyone with him?” Casper asked.

  “Don’t want a presence up north if we can help it,” my dad replied. “Leo goin’ up to spend a few days with his uncle ain’t anythin’ new—add a couple more Aces and things start lookin’ squirrelly.”

  “We really want to send the sprout on his maiden voyage to deal with Sokolov?” Grease asked seriously.

  “The boy can do it,” Gramps replied gravely. “Of that I have no doubt.”

  After that, church went by quickly as we decided when I’d leave, and how long I’d stay in Portland before heading south again. Everything had to look like I was on the up-and-up.

  As soon as we spoke to my uncle, everything was planned. I’d take one of the trucks up that night, stay with my uncle for a few days, then load his bike into the bed of my truck and bring it to the garage for some work. If anyone was watching, it gave me a reason to be in Portland.

  As soon as plans were made, we went back to work.

  October was always rainy as hell, and I threw my hood up as I went out back to get the truck I’d be taking to Portland. I bumped into someone as I stepped outside, and as I lifted my head to apologize, the words died on my tongue.

  “I wasn’t watching where I was going,” Lily mumbled, trying to step around me.

  “You okay?” I asked, sidestepping to stop her. “Why aren’t you at school?”

  “In-service day,” she replied. She wasn’t looking at me, and I wasn’t surprised.

  Since the night of her party, Lily had gone out of her way to stay as far from me as she could. I’d known she’d be pissed, but I’d seriously underestimated how far she’d go to punish me. It had been months since she’d said one word to me. I was pretty sure we’d never gone that long without talking before—it was almost impossible to do when our lives were completely intertwined.

  “How you been?” I asked, wincing as soon as the words were out of my mouth. I sounded like an idiot.

  “I’m fine, Leo,” she replied. “I’d like to go inside, though.”

  The rain was completely soaking us both, but I still didn’t move as I stared at the side of her face. She looked older, if that was possible. Her cheeks had thinned out or something.

  “Are you wearing makeup?” I asked stupidly.

  “What?” She looked at me in surprise. “Yeah.”

  “Why?” I blurted.

  “Why wouldn’t I?”

  “You never did before.”

  “I couldn’t see my face before.”

  “You looked better without it,” I said truthfully.

  Her eyes widened and she shoved at my chest, pushing me to the side. “You’re an asshole.”

  “Shit,” I mumbled as she walked through the door behind me. “I didn’t fuckin’ mean it like that!”

  I spun and followed her into the clubhouse, grateful that the place was pretty much deserted. As soon as she began to pass the door to my room, I wrapped an arm around her waist, and lifted her off her feet as I shoved my key into the lock.

  “Leo,” she hissed as I carried her through the doorway. “What the fuck are you doing?”

  “You know I didn’t mean it like that,” I replied, slamming the door behind me. “You don’t get to be pissed because I said you were prettier without makeup.”

  “Are you fucking with me right now?” she asked incredulously. “Fine, you didn’t mean it. Bye, Leo.”

  “No,” I said stubbornly, leaning against the door.

  “Jesus Christ,” she muttered.

  “You haven’t talked to me,” I said, pointing at her until she slapped my hand out of the air. “You’ve ignored me for fuckin’ months.”

  “That’s what you wanted,” she replied, throwing her hands in the air.

  “No, it isn’t.”

  “I’m not your goddamn pet, Leo,” she said, her eyes so dark they were almost black. “I’m not gonna follow you around like a puppy.”

  “I never
asked you to follow me around.”

  “No, you wanted the opposite, right?” she asked, taking a step forward. “You started fucking someone else so I’d get the picture, I got it.”

  “You’re too fucking young for me,” I yelled.

  “Fine! Then leave me the fuck alone!”

  “You’ve always been too young for me, why the fuck is anything different now?”

  “Because you kissed me, you fucking idiot,” she hissed. “You changed the rules, not me.”

  “That was a mistake,” I ground out.

  “Agreed,” she snapped.

  I could say it was a mistake. I could, but she couldn’t.

  “Oh, you think so?” I asked, my voice growing soft.

  Her eyes widened as I moved toward her, but she refused to take a step back.

  “You know it wouldn’t work,” she said quietly, as soon as our faces were just inches apart. “We both know it.”

  “You movin’ on then?” I asked, reaching up to run my finger down the braid lying over her shoulder. “Gonna pretend like we weren’t ever friends?”

  “We weren’t friends,” she said, her voice barely audible. “You put up with me, but we were never friends.”

  I inhaled sharply, and shook my head. Resting my forehead against hers, I remembered all the times over the last two years when she’d shown up at my worst moments. Swear to God, the girl knew just when I was feeling lowest, she had a radar for that shit, and she’d show up with a smile on her face and a funny story about God knows what, and I’d instantly feel better. She had that effect on people. Without fail, Lily—with her filthy mouth and dirty sense of humor—could completely change someone’s mood.

  “We were friends, baby,” I whispered, hating that she thought anything different.

  “I don’t want to watch you with someone else,” she said, her mouth curling up on one side in a sad smile. “And I have to watch now. It’s better if I just stay away.”