Thin Air

by Storm Constantine

  Jay rested her face against the branch. She was lying along it and dared not look down. She was trembling now, afraid to move. Only with her eyes shut was she able to obey Julie’s coaxing instructions on how to reverse along the branch. ‘You’re nearly there, keep going.’

  She came to rest in the throat of the tree, surrounded by thick spreading branches. She felt safe there, caged.

  ‘It’s not that far,’ Julie said. ‘Jump, I’ll catch you.’

  Jay drew her knees up to her forehead and wrapped her arms around them. She felt so tired. ‘In a minute.’ It was like being drunk, hanging over the toilet basin, waiting for the terrible nausea to pass so that she could make it back to the bedroom. ‘Just leave me.’

  Crows were calling, rising and falling high above in ragged patterns. The trees seemed to have a sentience that pressed down on her in oppressive waves. She might never move again. Jay took deep breaths, and raised her head. It felt so heavy. The sky was white through the bare branches, dancing with black motes. She would just let herself fall.

  It was only a few feet. Julie caught her as promised. ‘Thought you were doing a swan dive there!’ She pulled twigs from Jay’s hair. ‘Are you all right, love? Scared of heights?’

  Jay nodded and sank to the ground, to lean against the rough bark. She felt very strange. Julie handed the box to her. She held it in her hands, turned it over a few times. ‘It’s locked, corroded.’

  Julie handed her a stone. Jay beat at the old metal until the lid broke free. Now she would know. Now.

  The box was nearly empty, but for a DAT box and a curled photograph. There were no pages ripped from a diary, no documents, no letters of explanation. Jay took out the DAT box. This must be the missing tape. No. The box was empty. She threw it aside and lifted out the photograph. Dex’s face swam up into her eyes. He was standing in typical moody pose on the lawn of a large house. There were a few people behind him, out of focus. One of them could have been Zeke Michaels, but Jay couldn’t be positive. Dex was wearing a T-shirt Jay had bought for him. Whenever this photo had been taken, it had been during his relationship with Jay. It reminded her of the picture in the Sakrilege offices’ reception, but there were many photos like that. A lot of music people had big houses and she couldn’t remember enough details to be able to tell if this was the same one as in the Sakrilege picture.

  Her vision boiled with bright specks. She bowed her head.

  ‘What is it, love?’ Julie’s arm was firm against her back.

  ‘There’s nothing.’ Jay looked up, blinking. ‘What’s this supposed to mean? Was the tape here? Has someone else taken it?’

  Julie frowned, shrugged. ‘Don’t know. He didn’t say anything to me about a tape.’

  ‘And this picture.’ Jay waved it in front of Julie’s face.

  Julie took it. ‘Do you know these people?’

  ‘I might do. That type all look the same - like big, greedy animals.’ Jay sighed, taking the photograph back. ‘The picture isn’t that clear. Why did Dex leave it here? Did he say anything about it to you?’

  Julie shook her head. ‘No. I’m not sure he came here last time he visited. He didn’t mention it.’

  ‘He must’ve done.’ Jay struggled to her feet. ‘Think, Julie. What about all these ‘messages’ you say you’re getting from Dex. What are they, what’s their point? Can we really learn anything from them?’

  Julie looked defensive. ‘You don’t understand.’

  ‘Then explain, please. I’d really like to know.’

  Julie wiped one hand over her face, Melanie squirming against her. ‘I can’t. I haven’t got the words. Maybe the words don’t exist.’

  ‘Talk to him now. Ask him what’s going on!’

  ‘It doesn’t work like that.’

  ‘Then how does it work?’

  Julie shook her head. ‘It’s no good, Jay. You’ll have to be patient. If I feel anything over the next few days, I’ll try and let you know.’

  Jay sighed. ‘Yeah, right.’ She gazed up through the bare branches, amazed that only minutes before she’d been up there among them. Julie took the photograph from her limp hands and Jay watched her scrutinise it.

  ‘Do you think Dex might be at this place?’ Jay asked. ‘Is that the clue?’

  Julie shrugged. ‘It says something about him, must do. What does he want us to know?’

  ‘Ask him,’ Jay snapped, then in a softer voice, ‘next time you can.’

  Chapter Nine

  The flat had a sullen, brooding atmosphere, as if Gus had left a sour aroma of his bitterness behind. The place was in disarray, the air sweetly stale, the curtains drawn. Jay put her bags down on one of the chairs and stood there for a moment, hardly daring to breathe. Was Gus somewhere in the flat? Would he come slouching out from a corner soon to rant and accuse? All she could hear was the distant sound of traffic, the call of a child in the street. Presently, she relaxed enough to take off her coat and began to tidy up.

  After Jay had found the box, she and Julie had returned home in silence. Jay had wondered whether Dex had left the photo deliberately for her to find. He was wearing the t-shirt she’d bought him - was that a message to show he understood and appreciated what she had felt for him? Or maybe the photo hadn’t been for her at all, but had been left simply as a bitter message to whoever found it. That time, when he’d known fame and success, had been ephemeral, just images and memories now, curling at the edges.

  Jay had given Julie her phone numbers, and in return Julie wrote down Marie’s number, in case Jay should want to get in touch with her urgently. Jay had asked if she could keep the photograph they’d found, and Julie had agreed. The two women had achieved a comfortable understanding. They were so different, yet linked.

  At the doorstep, they’d hugged. ‘Don’t take any shit,’ Julie had said.

  Jay had smiled wanly. ‘I won’t.’

  Now that she was home, Jay knew she’d have to call Gina soon, and prepare herself for Gus’ homecoming. There were features waiting to be finished, apologetic e-mails to be sent. Work to do.

  Gus did not turn up, and Jay shrank from calling him on his mobile. This was ridiculous. It was her partner she was thinking about. Only a few days ago, their relationship had seemed OK. How could it reach this disintegrated state so quickly? And over what? Her own obsession with the past, or Gus’? They should stop this, stop it now, before it got any worse. Steeling herself, she dialled his number, only to find he had his answer service switched on. Jay left a bright, cheerful message and said she was looking forward to seeing him. ‘Hurry home,’ she said, inflecting her voice with a throaty purr. She spent the rest of day working, making calls to arrange new interviews and browsing through half-finished features on her computer, making the odd change.

  Gus turned up around nine o’clock, and by this time, Jay had hurried round the corner to the 24-hour supermarket and stocked up on Gus’ favourite snack food; guacamole, poppy seed crackers, blue cheese. She’d cooked a creamy casserole of chicken, leeks and garlic and the flat, now tidy, was lit by soft lighting, aromas floating through in silky strands from the kitchen. When Gus walked through the door, she thought he could have been under no doubt that what he walked into was a home. Jay herself now felt wholly composed, and had pushed all recollections of the past couple of days from her mind. She had decided she wanted her life back, the life she had built and found comfort in. For a moment, she and Gus regarded each other warily, then he smiled and went to give her a hug. ‘Smells great.’

  She kissed him. ‘It’s nearly ready.’ She paused and said, ‘I’ve missed you.’ She wanted to believe it, even though it wasn’t true. She hadn’t missed him at all. She was simply afraid of the consequences of not missing him.

  While they ate, Gus was controlled enough not to mention her brief disappearance. They chatted about his work, and Jay listened with unfeigned interest as he regaled her with odd snippets of gossip he’d picked up while she was away.

  They
drank brandy after the dessert, and then a thread of tension came into the atmosphere. Now, he would speak his mind. Jay sipped her fiery liquor nervously. She lit a cigarette.

  ‘Jay...’ He held his breath, turned his brandy glass in his hands. ‘We need to talk about what you did.’

  She tried to ignore the unsettling thump of her heart. ‘I know. I shouldn’t have taken off like that.’

  ‘There must have been something you needed to get out of your system. The question is: did you?’

  She shrugged awkwardly, her eyes skittering away from his gaze. ‘Perhaps you’re right in what you say. Certain things have happened recently to remind me of the past, and - you must believe this - part of my interest was just professional. There’s a story, Gus, and I wanted to discover it.’

  ‘Why now?’

  Again, a shrug. ‘Not sure. I just had to. There’s nothing to get out of my system, and that’s the truth.’

  ‘But you jeopardised us, Jay. Some men wouldn’t be as tolerant of it as I am. I appreciate you have to face the things inside yourself and work them out, but remember you have responsibilities. It’s for your own good as much as mine.’

  He’s talked to someone, she thought. These are not his words. He’s too calm. He must have gone ranting and raving to someone - and it was probably a woman - and they filled him full of crap. ‘I went up north and stayed with a woman called Julie, who was Dex’s...’

  Gus raised his hands, his face screwed up into an expression of wounded, yet noble sentiment. ‘Please, don’t tell me about it. I don’t want to know. I don’t want any names mentioned. All I need to know is that it’s over now. You did what you had to do and now it’s finished.’

  ‘Yes, it’s finished.’ She wasn’t sure if that was true, but if Gus carried on in that tone, she would get angry. Sanctimonious shit! How dare he speak to her like that?

  He reached out for her hands, and it took all of her will not to pull away. She had convinced herself she’d been glad to see him, but now the thought of touching him infuriated her. She pasted a smile across her face.

  ‘Let’s just forget it ever happened,’ he said. ‘I’m going away soon, so we shouldn’t argue.’

  ‘You’re right.’ It was like being in a film; the soft lighting, the forced conversation with its sticking plaster sentiments. Who had he talked to?

  ‘That Michaels shit kept calling you while you were away,’ Gus remarked.

  Jay found it easy to mimic his grimace. ‘Oh God, what does he want now?’

  ‘Wouldn’t say - to me. You should ignore it.’

  Jay nodded, took a sip of brandy. ‘Yeah. I will.’

  That night, when they went to bed, she continued to play her part. She felt distanced from what was happening, because to be otherwise would make her push Gus from her in disgust. She was a shade on the ceiling, looking down. She did not like what she saw.

  The following day, Jay completed two features and mailed them off. She contacted everyone she had put off contacting, and called Gina.

  ‘What have you been up to?’ Gina demanded, laughter in her voice.

  ‘I went to see Dex’s sister,’ Jay explained. ‘It was a strange couple of days.’

  ‘Yes, Gus told us.’

  ‘Oh, you’ve seen him?’

  ‘Yeah. He came round one night while you were away. He was pretty upset, but Dan and I managed to cool him down.’

  Jay felt cold. ‘I wondered who the other woman was.’

  ‘Sorry?’

  ‘Well, I guessed he talked to someone, because he came out with a load of stuff last night he wouldn’t have thought up himself. So it was you.’

  ‘You sound pissed off. Why?’ Gina’s voice had become harder. She did not like to be criticised.

  ‘Yeah, I am pissed off, actually. I don’t expect my best friend to psycho-analyse me with my insecure boyfriend.’

  ‘Hey, hang on a minute...’

  Jay scraped a hand through her hair. It could happen again now: another row. She mustn’t let it. ‘Oh, sorry, Ginny. Ignore me. I just had a bit of an ear-bending from Gus, and it was too patronising for words. I don’t blame you. Of course you should talk to him. We’re all friends.’ She was surprised though that Gus had contacted Gina himself, because previously he’d made it clear, in a subtle manner, that he didn’t much care for her. And Dan was one of Dex’s old musicians. Normally, Gus would avoid him. It was all moves in a silly game. ‘How about we go for a drink later?’

  Gina sounded hesitant. ‘OK. Are you all right, Jay?’

  ‘Yeah, I’m fine. We’ll talk later.’

  Jay got back to work. She heard the phone ring and decided not to answer it, being in the middle of constructing a perfect sentence. She heard the answerphone come on, and presently Zeke Michaels’ tense voice saying, ‘I’m calling for Jay. Please get her to call me.’

  Jay’s hands froze above her keyboard. It occurred to her that if Gus had spoken to Michaels, he might have let slip where she’d been. That might be seen as evidence against her. Michaels might believe she’d gone north to meet Dex. She shook her head and pushed the thought from her mind. Leave it, leave it, she told herself, typing fast.

  When Gus put his head round the door to her tiny work-room, Jay found the first thought in her head was to question him about what he’d said to Michaels, but checked herself in time. Reopening that subject would only cause an atmosphere, if not another row.

  ‘Busy?’ he asked her.

  She nodded. ‘Yeah. Lot to catch up on.’

  ‘Well, if you will go haring off...’

  Can’t resist a snipe, can you. She smiled. ‘This is true.’

  ‘Michaels bothered you yet?’

  ‘He called, but I left the machine on.’

  ‘I got us a video and some fine Zinfandel to drink tonight.’

  Jay turned to him, her face set into an expression of disappointment. ‘Oh, Gus, I’m going out.’

  ‘Oh? Where?’

  ‘Meeting Gina, but I don’t have to be late back.’

  ‘You don’t have to, no.’ He left the room.

  Jay’s fingers were tapping against the edge of her keyboard. She’d been unaware of starting the movement. Let it all go back to normal, please. She let her left thumb rest against the Return key, watching the paragraph marks scroll down the empty screen.

  Apart from the constant calls from Zeke Michaels, the next few days passed smoothly. Jay’s muse was with her, and she sped through all her outstanding work. She interviewed a visiting American rock goddess, Devon Klein, in The Savoy, in preparation for a main feature in ‘Track’ magazine. The couple of days she’d spent with Julie seemed unreal now, as if she’d only dreamed them, or watched them happening to someone else. All that talk of Dex speaking to his sister had to be delusional. Jay had allowed herself to be swept up into it, to share that madness.

  The evening with Gina was fairly successful; the main evidence of strain being that they parted company quite early before the pub closed. Jay told her hardly anything about what had happened in Torton, concentrating on describing the estate, and the appearance of Dex’s sister. She felt disloyal doing this, laughing with Gina at Julie’s expense, but the gossip filled any silences, made it seem as if the conversation was flowing naturally.

  Jay was surprised that Gina didn’t chastise her for her behaviour. Only a short time before, she’d advised forgetting all about Dex. Now, it seemed the opposite was true.

  ‘Did you see him?’ Gina fired at her, grinning wickedly.

  ‘Of course not! Don’t you think I’d have told you?’

  Gina shrugged. ‘He might not want people to know.’

  ‘God, you sound like Zeke Michaels! Sakrilege think I’m in contact with Dex, but I’m not.’

  ‘So what are you going to do about it all now?’

  Jay frowned. ‘Nothing. There’s nothing I can or want to do. It was interesting meeting Julie, and perhaps helped me put things in perspective, but that’s an en
d to it.’ She realised then she was afraid. Her life was too comfortable. Now she was back in it, she didn’t want it to change. Absurdly, she felt that Gina didn’t think she was telling the truth. Perhaps Gus had poisoned her with his paranoiac jealousy. She tried to steer the conversation back to congenial topics, and Gina played along, but there was something different in the atmosphere. It hung between them; unspoken words. Gina didn’t argue when Jay finished her drink and said she had to hurry home.

  Gus was gratified Jay came home before eleven, which helped improve relations between them. Perhaps everything was going to be all right. Jay sent Julie a card, thanking her for her hospitality. Now, she wondered whether she’d ever see the woman again. She couldn’t imagine how.

  On the Friday evening following her return from Torton, Jay went out to buy some wine. Gus was away now, but she did not feel ill at ease in the flat. Michaels hadn’t called her for two days; she presumed he’d given up and the whole matter was at rest.

  The supermarket was nearly empty, and Jay browsed among the well-stocked shelves, deliberating over which bottles to buy. The shop was brightly lit, but there were only a few other customers.

  Jay had lived in the city too long not to be aware immediately when someone was watching her. Without turning her head, or appearing alert, she managed to glimpse a tall figure in the corner of her vision. It was clearly a man; still and watchful. Her brain made quick judgements. She knew it was possible to be attacked by deranged people, even in public. Even though she did not risk looking directly at the man, she could tell there was something wild and unkempt about him. With apparent nonchalance, she began to move slowly towards the till at the front of the shop, where she would alert the staff to the possible danger. Her back crawled as she walked, but she was still surprised when a hand grabbed hold of her arm from behind. Her first reaction was anger. Feeling no fear, she wheeled on her assailant, hissing, ‘Fuck off, creep!’