Thin Air

by Storm Constantine

  The eyes met hers, clear and vivid in an otherwise unshaven, grubby face. Cold rushed through her body like a drug. ‘Dex?’ she said.

  Chapter Ten

  He was there in front of her, real and incontrovertible. He looked like he’d been sleeping rough. She was filled with relief, horror and the conflicting desires to flee and stay.

  ‘Outside,’ he said, dragging her with him.

  He led her past the curious cashiers by the door. They made no move to ask if she was all right, and seemed to think it was perfectly normal for someone who looked like a tramp to drag her out into the street. All the time, Jay was asking Dex frantic questions. She had no control over them, and later would not even remember what they’d been. She might as well have been asking him the time. He answered none of her anxious queries.

  Outside, he pushed her into a dark side alley that was almost filled with straining black bags of rubbish. For a brief moment she wondered whether he intended her harm. This couldn’t be happening. His strange beauty, even beneath the dirt, was electric. Seeing him was like looking into a mirror of truth; he was herself, an invisible part of her in flesh. Had she felt this way about him when they’d been together? Surely not.

  ‘Dex, Dex,’ she said. She wanted to hold him, but couldn’t. It was as if this wasn’t really him.

  He reached out as if to touch her hair or her face, then curled his hand into a fist by his side. ‘Jay, you must leave it,’ he said slowly, as if the words were coming from some sealed, but leaking, part of himself. ‘Do you understand? Don’t touch it.’

  ‘What?’ She shook her head. ‘Where have you been? Why didn’t you...?’

  He put long, dirty fingers against her lips. She could smell earth on him, as if he’d been scratching at soil. He wore a long coat that was too large for him. It reeked of damp places. But for his eyes, he might be a corpse that had clawed its way to the light. ‘No, no. Listen. You must let it all lie. Keep safe. Keep your life.’ His voice was bitter.

  ‘Did Julie tell you I’d been to see her? You’ve kept in touch with her, haven’t you? Why did you leave me, Dex? Why shut me out and not her?’

  He closed his eyes, veiling their light. This was not the man she had met at a party all those years ago. This was some iconic form of him, like a spirit. She was conversing with an image she’d invented, or had been invented by others. ‘I won’t explain,’ he said.

  Not “can’t”, or even a suggestion she wouldn’t understand; just plain refusal.

  ‘Have you been on the street?’

  He looked away from her, staring into some distant place. ‘No.’

  ‘You look like you have.’

  ‘I’ve come a long way to see you. Jay, you have to get out of the city for a while. Do something else. Don’t let Sakrilege near you.’

  ‘They think we’re in contact.’

  ‘They would.’

  ‘And now we are.’

  He shook his head vehemently. ‘We’re not. I just had to see you, warn you.’

  ‘What happened, Dex, what’s going on? Why did you have to run away? Maybe I can help. Talk to me.’

  ‘No! You forgot about me, didn’t you?’ There was a shade of bitterness in his voice. He shook his head, eyes closed. ‘No, that was the best thing you did.’ He opened his eyes to stare at her again. ‘I didn’t want to have to come here, Jay, but knew I should. You found the box.’

  ‘There was nothing in it. Just an empty tape box and a photo. If these are clues, they tell me nothing. But they make me want to know more. I’m a journalist, Dex. What else do you expect?’

  He smiled. ‘Oh, Jay, you don’t want to know. You’ve told yourself you don’t want to know. Why lie to me now? I’m not warning you because of anything you’ll do, but what others might think you’ll do. You are right to forget the past. There’s nothing there that’s worth remembering. And those who try to bring the past into the present are in danger of making it the future.’

  ‘Why must I leave the city? What will happen if I don’t?’

  Again, he looked away from her. ‘Someone thought they saw us together, and perhaps they did. That’s the trouble.’

  ‘That makes no sense, and it’s not an answer.’

  ‘You can never know, because you’re not the same kind of person I am.’

  It was like trying to communicate with a holographic image, programmed only to say certain things. His words too were ambiguous. She knew that essentially they were not communicating. ‘Are you alive, Dex?’

  He looked at her steadily for a moment. ‘In a way. It’s always been like that.’ People might think his angst was merely arrogant posturing, the behaviour of a spoiled media brat, but it wasn’t. It riddled him like cancer. There were others like him, she knew. There always would be; gobbled up and sucked dry by the industry that was the only channel they had to communicate their dreams to the people. Sad shamans. ‘What have we come to?’ she said.

  ‘Will you leave the city?’

  ‘I’m not sure.’ She shrugged. ‘I don’t know if I can.’

  He sighed deeply. ‘Try to.’ He backed away from her and she realised he was about to leave.

  ‘You’re going to vanish again, aren’t you?’

  He raised a hand. ‘Think about what I’ve said. It’s serious, Jay.’

  ‘You can’t!’ She grabbed hold of his coat, tried to pull him towards her, but he wriggled away from her as if she was only holding air. He was running away from her like a hunted creature. She tried to call his name, but it came out as a wordless shout of grief.

  Numbly, she went back into the shop and picked two bottles of red wine at random off the shelf. The assistants at the till eyed her with suspicion and some amusement. When she signed the credit card slip, the signature didn’t look like her own.

  Outside, she wondered whether she really had just seen Dex or whether it had been some bizarre hallucination. Maybe the shop assistants had seen her marching out of the place on her own, babbling at thin air. She shuddered, increased her pace. Now, the darkness seemed threatening. She wondered whether she should call Gina and ask her to come over. Could she possibly tell her what had just happened?

  Ahead, she could see the lights of her living room through the front window. She was nearly home. It seemed so far. At last, she was at the steps to the door. Relieved, she delved in her jacket pocket for her keys.

  Before she reached the top of the steps, the headlights of a car parked by the kerb came on, dazzling her with full beam. Idiots, she thought, but then the car doors were opening, and men were getting out. Jay ran up the last couple of steps, only to hear Zeke Michaels’ voice saying, ‘Jay, have you been avoiding me?’

  She turned to face him, sure that her expression must betray what had just occurred. He stood below her, his hands thrust into the pockets of his flying jacket. ‘I’ve been busy, Zeke. What is it?’

  ‘I’d like to come in and talk to you. Just a couple of minutes, that’s all.’

  Jay had her key in her hand. She eyed the two other wide-shouldered men standing by Michaels. Could she just open her door and run inside? She made only a small movement towards the lock, but one of the men leapt up the steps and closed a gigantic fist over her hand. He didn’t hurt her. He looked as if he had the strength of a lion, but clearly didn’t need to exert it yet. Michaels advanced towards her. ‘What have you been up to, Jay? You are avoiding me, aren’t you.’

  She was afraid. There was no doubt. More afraid than she’d ever been. It could be no coincidence Michaels was here now. He might even have seen her with Dex down the road. ‘Come in, then. Make yourself at home!’ She marched ahead of them into the hallway, and one of the lion men gently closed the door behind them.

  In her flat, she struck a defiant pose, managed to keep her voice steady, and said, ‘This is threatening behaviour. What do you want?’ She walked purposefully to the drawer where she kept a cork-screw - one of many in the flat. She turned her back on Michaels, to prove her co
urage and hopefully, through that, her innocence. Her heart was beating so fast she could hardly breathe. She willed herself to take deep breaths, tried to calm herself.

  Michaels laughed, but sounded slightly nervous. This wasn’t his style, she knew that. Someone else must have sent him here. ‘Oh Jay, why play this game? It would be so much simpler, much less trouble, if you’d just level with me.’

  ‘Over what?’ She busied herself opening wine. ‘I think it’s about time you told me what’s going on.’

  Michaels sighed theatrically. ‘Where have you been these last few days?’

  ‘Here in the flat, actually, although it’s none of your fucking business. You’re here about Dex, of course. Who’s seen me with him now?’ She couldn’t look at him, didn’t dare, but it might not seem suspicious: she was concentrating on pouring the wine. ‘This is all really pathetic. What are you playing at?’ Steeled, she dared to turn around, the glass held near her face. She raised an eyebrow at him.

  ‘You’ve been up north.’

  ‘Yes, last week. That’s no secret.’

  ‘You visited Dex’s sister.’

  She shrugged insouciantly. ‘Yes. What’s so unusual about that? I was his partner once, Zeke.’

  ‘Gus didn’t seem very happy about it.’

  ‘Well, he wouldn’t be, would he? In Gus’ perfect world, I would never have known Dex.’ She sighed, swapped her wine glass to the other hand. ‘Oh, for God’s sake, Zeke, drop this cloak and dagger stuff. What are you going to do? Trash the flat?’ She sneered at the expressionless men standing behind him. Her outrage held her fear by the throat, but she wasn’t sure how long it could maintain the grip.

  Zeke Michaels’ shoulders were hunched towards his ears, his hands still thrust deep into the pockets of his jacket. ‘We’ve received some more information. We know you went north to meet with Dex. He gave you something, didn’t he?’

  Jay rolled her eyes. ‘No! I didn’t see Dex up north. Check with his sister, she’ll tell you.’

  ‘An undoubtedly reliable source,’ Michaels said sarcastically.

  ‘If you have these ideas fixed in your head, how can I change your mind?’ Jay asked angrily. ‘I’m wasting my time. You’ll believe what you want to believe. Search the place if you want. There’s nothing here.’

  Michaels pointed at her with a rigid finger. ‘I don’t know what you and Dex are planning, but we’re on to you, don’t worry about that. If you’ve got any sense, you’ll drop it. Why fight his battle for him? You’ve got a good life now, Jay. Don’t jeopardise it.’

  ‘And what’s that supposed to mean?’ she asked archly.

  ‘So much of our lives depends on the good will of others,’ he answered and turned for the door, allowing himself a meaningful pause and a final remark. ‘Think how much you have to lose.’ They left the door open behind them.

  Once they’d gone, Jay allowed the feelings of panic to flood through her. She gulped two glasses of wine in quick succession. Gus, stupid bastard! He’d told Michaels where she’d gone last week. Row or not, she’d have to confront him about this. His petty jealousy had put her in a difficult and, it seemed, potentially dangerous, position. After a few minutes of staring blankly at the wall, she gathered her senses and called Julie’s neighbour. Marie seemed far from happy about the disturbance this late at night, but Jay insisted it was urgent. It took Marie over ten minutes to get Julie to the phone.

  ‘I’ve seen him!’ Jay blurted. She felt shaken now and close to tears.

  ‘What? When?’ Julie sounded shocked, perhaps believing Dex reserved all his peculiar communications for her.

  ‘Just. Minutes ago. God, Julie, what’s happening? He told me to get out of London. Why? Then I have a surprise visit from some record company people, acting like heavies from a spy novel. This is too weird!’

  ‘Just calm down, and tell me everything,’ Julie said. Jay could hear her lighting a cigarette at the other end of the phone.

  Jay related what had happened in a flat professional way. She felt better then, more focused. ‘What do you think?’ she asked.

  Julie paused, exhaled, then said, ‘I’d do what Chris said, if I were you.’

  ‘What? Walk out of my life like he did? I can’t do that, Julie. I have responsibilities, commitment, a life. I don’t want to do that.’

  ‘He thinks you’re in danger, though. And look what happened after you saw him. I don’t think you should ignore that. I think you should come back here.’

  ‘That wouldn’t be a good idea,’ Jay answered. ‘Michaels knew I’d been to see you last week. He’d probably follow me up to Torton, and it wouldn’t be fair on you or the kids if there was some kind of scene.’ She paused. ‘Has Dex been to see you too, Julie?’

  Her answer sounded defensive. ‘You know how it is with us.’

  ‘I’m not talking about that,’ Jay said gently. ‘Has he visited you in person?’

  ‘No. I didn’t think he’d be able to.’

  ‘Why not.’

  ‘Because of where he is - that place.’

  ‘What place?’

  ‘I don’t know. I really don’t. I just get images, and they’re very vague.’

  Jay considered for a moment, then said, ‘Let’s think about the photo we found. It’s all we have to go on. It must be linked to where Dex is now.’

  ‘I don’t know about that. It could mean lots of things. I’ve not picked anything up about that.’ Julie paused. ‘Look, think about what Chris said. Call me if you need to.’

  ‘Thanks, Julie. I’ll let you know what happens.’

  ‘Take care of yourself. Don’t drink too much.’

  When she’d put down the phone, Jay realised the conversation had both warmed and comforted her. Picking up her wine glass, she went to sit on the sofa. The photo was still in her bag. She took it out and put on the seat beside her. Could it be Rhys Lorrance’s country house? Was Dex there? In which case, why was Michaels looking for him? Was there a rift between Lorrance and Sakrilege? There were too many unanswered questions.

  Jay’s first instinct in times of trouble was usually to get on the phone to Gina, but for some reason she shied from doing that. She wasn’t sure she could cope with Gina’s reaction, her often abrasive way of dealing with things. She could imagine Gina saying something like, ‘Well, you were stupid to have visited Dex’s sister, weren’t you. Think how that looks. It’s just made trouble for you.’ There was no way Jay felt capable of telling Gina she’d actually seen Dex. Thought she’d seen Dex. She still wondered if she’d imagined it somehow. But someone, somewhere kept telling Zeke Michaels she had been seeing Dex. Who and why? It didn’t make sense, and there seemed to be an undercurrent of malicious intent to it. Someone wanting to make trouble for her. Now she was getting paranoid. Should she leave town?

  Seeing Dex had rekindled old feelings, despite her determination to remain objective. She found herself imagining conversations they might have in which she could purge her anger at his betrayal and disappearance. She’d buried her love for him, stuffed it down into a tight corner of her heart, but she hadn’t destroyed it. For three years she’d ignored it, denied its existence, and now it was free again. In her mind, she relived the moments of their meeting in the supermarket, trying to recall every detail, every nuance of his expression. His appearance had frightened and confused her, but despite this she was conscious of feeling euphoric and elated.

  That night, she dreamed of taking photographs of Dex in front of a big white house, but none of them would go right. Whenever she looked through the view-finder, Dex was out of focus, and when she tried to correct it, he disappeared completely.

  Chapter Eleven

  Gus came home the following afternoon. Jay spent the whole morning trying to compose herself. She toyed with the idea of telling him everything. Surely, his instinct would be to protect and help her, rather than fly into a temper about her seeing Dex? She had no idea whether Michaels would really try to damage her or her life
in some way. His words could just be empty threats, but there was a secret, and it involved Dex, and therefore, perhaps without her knowing it, might involve her too. She tried to recall Dex’s behaviour just before his disappearance. Did some clue lurk unrecognised in her memory?

  At two-thirty, Jay heard a key in door. She tensed.

  Gus came into the living room and put his bags down on the floor. His face looked odd, and the minute she saw him, Jay felt anxious. She knew, even before he spoke, that he was about to say something terrible. He stared at her for a few moments, then sighed and rubbed his neck. ‘You’re here,’ he said.

  ‘Of course I am,’ she answered. ‘What’s the matter, Gus? You look awful.’

  ‘How dare you,’ he said in a mocking tone. ‘How dare you just sit there and think you can get away with it.’

  She blinked at him. ‘What? Get away with what?’

  He shook his head. ‘You make me sick. You’re so full of yourself, so smug. But you’re not the only one with friends, lady, so you can drop the act now.’

  It was like being dumped at sea. She was dog-paddling around, her chin just above the restless surface, trying to see land, in which direction to swim. ‘What are you on about? What act? Gus, tell me. I don’t get it.’

  He looked so emotionless, it was frightening. She knew that whatever she said now, it would not change the mind-set he had formed for himself. She was about to be accused, and she knew what it would be. ‘Look,’ he said with exaggerated patience, ‘I know now why you went north. I know you met Dex there, and I also know the affair has been going on for some time. There’s no point in lying any more, Jay. It’s time to face reality.’

  ‘I did not meet Dex up north,’ she said, too dazed to put any heat into her voice. ‘Who’s told you that?’