Wanted by Her Lost Love

by Maya Banks

  He went still against her and then he let all his breath out. He cupped his hand to the side of her face and held her against his chest.

  “I’ll believe you, Kell.”

  Slowly she pushed against his chest until she was eye level with him. How it hurt that he was willing to believe her now about their child, but he hadn’t been willing to believe her then when it came to his brother.

  “She’s yours,” she said in a quiet voice.

  Satisfaction was a savage light in his eyes. He framed her face tightly in his hands and then lowered his mouth to take hers in a possessive, fierce sweep.

  Her lips were swollen when she managed to tear her mouth away. Her pulse raced and they stared at each other in silence. She was afraid to believe in him. So afraid she was nearly paralyzed with it.

  “Do you believe me? I have to know, Ryan. We can’t go forward unless you believe me.”

  His hand drifted down to the bulge of her belly and he slid his palm over the curve, splaying his fingers out until he covered a wide area.

  “I believe you.”

  She bit her lip to keep from asking him if he’d believe her about everything else. She knew he didn’t, he hadn’t. And maybe it was too late. Wasn’t it?

  “Kelly?” His soft entreaty broke through her musings. He stroked her cheek with the tip of one finger. “I believe you. Okay? Jarrod said he wore a condom and the timing was right for us. I won’t believe you slept with anyone else. It was just that one time with Jarrod, wasn’t it?”

  The soft plea froze her to the bone. Hurt crashed through her heart—a heart she thought was already irreparably shattered. She was wrong. She hadn’t thought there was anything Ryan could do to hurt her further. She’d been wrong about that too.

  “Why does that make you cry?”

  Ryan wiped at the tear that trailed down her cheek, his expression one of complete bewilderment. Then he leaned in and kissed the moisture away.

  She braced her hands on his arms, her mind a chaotic twist of anger and wretched grief. It took every bit of her strength to gather her shattered composure and speak to him when what she wanted to do was flee.

  “If this has any hope of working, you’ll never breathe his name to me again. You were the one who wanted this. One week. No past. Forget the past. It’s what you said. I’m holding you to it. You bring him up ever again, and I walk—no, I run. Are we clear?”

  He looked shocked by her vehemence. He opened his mouth as if he wanted to push further, but she shook her head and started to slide from his lap.

  He made a grab for her, pulling her close to him again. “All right. No past. I won’t bring it up again. I promise. Will you stay, Kelly? Will you work with me?”

  She closed her eyes again and the fight left her. Her head dropped down and exhaustion crept in, gripping the back of her neck, squeezing until her entire head ached vilely.

  His fingers slid around her neck, rubbing and caressing with gentle pressure. Had she been that obvious?

  “I still care about you, Kelly.”

  She leaned her forehead against his. His onslaught was relentless and he didn’t play fair.

  “I’m afraid,” she whispered.

  “So am I.”

  Surprised by his admission, she retreated a few inches and flicked her gaze up and down, searching for the truth in his eyes.

  “Don’t look at me like that. You aren’t the only one hurting. I… Damn it, I promised we wouldn’t bring the past up. I’m not going to. But you aren’t the only one who got hurt in all this. I cared about you. I wanted to marry you. I…”

  He dragged a hand through his hair. He suddenly looked haggard and tired, worn down by the dark emotion that flowed between the two of them.

  “I still want to marry you,” he quietly admitted.

  Eight

  The admission was stark, so plainly and painfully laid out. Almost as if he wasn’t happy with the truth of the words but said them all the same. He stared at her, his discomfort growing by the second.

  She stared back, baffled and unable to form a single-word response to his declaration.

  He didn’t love her. Didn’t trust her. He believed the absolute worse about her. All he seemed willing to accept was that her child was his—and only because his brother had claimed to have worn a condom.

  But he wanted to marry her.

  She laughed.

  It was a hysterical, shrill, unpleasant sound.

  His eyes narrowed. “That wasn’t exactly the reaction I’d hoped for.”

  Her own eyes widened. “Was that a proposal?”

  She swallowed the laughter this time because he was wearing an extremely dark, agitated look.

  He gripped the back of his neck. “No, yes, maybe. I’d like that to be where we end up. But we’ve got a long way to go before we get there. I just want you to say that you still care. Enough to want to stay and work things out. We’ll take it slow. One day at a time. I won’t let anything happen again like what happened at lunch.”

  “And how are you going to do that?” she asked softly. “How can you make your family or your acquaintances accept me? And they don’t, Ryan. You always told me I imagined it, but let’s be honest here. Your mother couldn’t stand me. Your friends couldn’t understand what you saw in me. And it’s obvious your brother thought I was unfaithful. An opinion you adopted.”

  He rose abruptly. She slid off his lap and onto the mattress as he stood by the bed, his hand still at his nape.

  “You said you didn’t want to talk about the past. Either we’re going to or we aren’t, but none of this pick and choose your shots.”

  He dropped his hand and then leaned over her, planting his hands on either side of her legs. “Just answer the question, Kelly. Are you going to stay? Do you even want to try? Are you willing to work this out so that maybe we can be happy together again?”

  He asked it as though it was something she could answer immediately. It wasn’t a simple matter. No matter which way she answered, she would be hurt.

  She licked her lips. Her heart screamed at her that she was an idiot to get involved with him again. Her head told her that without trust their relationship was doomed from the start, and he’d already proved he had absolutely no faith in her.

  Was she willing to put herself in a position where everyone else’s word would be taken above her own?

  But something deeper, beneath the pain and the anger and the betrayal, stirred and twisted within her at the thought of being together with Ryan again.

  She told herself that there was nothing wrong with staying with him until her child was born so she’d have a safe haven and a place to live. Food to eat. She’d have comfort. All the things she’d been denied for the past six months.

  But she also knew she couldn’t stay with him without involving her heart again. So the decision was whether she wanted to forgive and forget and move on or whether she wanted to make a clean, permanent break and move on, whatever that entailed.

  Or maybe she should settle for a few stolen moments with a man she loved and hated with equal fervor.

  The longer she was silent, the more the hope faded in Ryan’s eyes. He seemed resigned to her inevitable rejection, and she couldn’t help but draw the parallel between now and the time she’d stood so vulnerable in front of him, begging for his trust, his love, his support.

  The idea of revenge didn’t appeal. It left a heavy feeling of sadness and brought her no happiness and certainly no peace.

  She was a fool. And that too brought her no peace.

  “I’ll stay,” she said in a voice devoid of the joy the decision should have brought.

  Though it was lacking in her own tone and expression, hope flared back to life in Ryan’s eyes. He gripped her arms and then slid his hands up over her shoulders and neck to gently hold her in place as he pressed a tender kiss to her lips.

  There was a wealth of emotion conveyed in the simplest touch of his mouth. His breath came in ragged spurts
from his chest and for the first time she realized how much he’d feared her rejection.

  She wasn’t a huge believer in karma but now she wondered if this was his penance. To feel as she had felt so many months before.

  But that thought brought her no satisfaction either. She wouldn’t wish that feeling on anyone.

  He drew away and brushed the hair from her cheek and continued to stroke the contours of her face.

  “Spend the afternoon with me, Kell. You need to eat. I’ll order us food and we can go eat on the beach. Watch the sun go down. I had Jansen pack a bathing suit for you if you’d like to go in the water.”

  She reached for the hand that rested against her cheek and curled her fingers around it, holding it there for a long moment.

  “I’d like that,” she finally said.

  She and Ryan strolled to the same umbrella she’d used for her nap earlier that morning and he spread out a blanket on the sand. After he was satisfied she would have a comfortable seat, he helped her down and then began unpacking the picnic basket prepared by the restaurant.

  He settled beside her and they began to eat.

  Kelly stared out over the water as she munched on one of the tasty little confections whose name escaped her. It had cheese and shrimp. She wasn’t sure of the other ingredients, but it was good and she was starving.

  The sky had started to soften. Wispy pastel tendrils flirted across the horizon as the sun sank lower. She closed her eyes and allowed the breeze to soothe her fried nerves.

  She’d expended more emotional energy over the past months than she had in a lifetime. She wanted to exist free of distress. Just for a little while. She wanted to forget the nights she’d been unable to sleep for crying or the nights she’d lain awake hurting so much that she’d wondered if it would ever stop.

  Here she just wanted to be. Here she could at least pretend that the past six months hadn’t happened. This could very well have been her honeymoon. A romantic island getaway.

  Ryan had certainly played the part of the solicitous husband.

  “Penny for your thoughts?”

  Slowly she dropped her gaze from the vivid splash of blue and turned her head to Ryan.

  “I was thinking that it’s easy to pretend here.”

  The blue in his eyes deepened until it ran darker than the water rolling onto shore.

  “We could pretend,” he acknowledged. “But we don’t have to.”

  “So did you get things straightened out at the building site?” she asked, not wanting to delve into pretend versus real. They were supposed to forget the past. At least for this week. That didn’t leave a whole lot to talk about.

  “Just a misunderstanding. I should have it cleared up by tomorrow. I have a joint meeting in the morning with the local contractors and the man we hired to oversee the project. If all goes well, I’ll be finished and we’ll have a few days to do what we want.”

  “When do you have to be back in New York?” she asked carefully. Because she knew the whole fantasy would come to a screeching halt once that happened.

  “I don’t know yet. I’m not in a hurry,” he said as he studied her. “Right now I prefer to concentrate on the time we have here together.”

  She nodded, her acceptance coming a little easier now that she’d had more time to grasp the idea.

  “Will you sleep with me tonight, Kelly?”

  Her eyes widened.

  He cursed. “That came out completely wrong. I’d like for us to sleep together. Actually sleep. In the same bed. I’d like to hold you again. Nothing more. Just let me hold you.”

  The idea of lying in his arms, of snuggling into his body and tangling her legs with his… It was so compelling that she suddenly wanted it more than her next breath.

  Taking a deep breath, she nodded.

  He reached over, took her hand and simply held it, their fingers wound tightly. He leaned back and positioned himself up on his elbow at an angle and then pulled her so she could rest against his chest.

  They remained that way until hotel workers came out to light the torches along the beach as dusk deepened and the stars began to pop in the sky.

  Soft music floated from down the beach where an outdoor lounge area was located. The notes with the waves made for incomparable music.

  She leaned her head back in the crook of his neck and gazed dreamily up at the sky now that the umbrella had been folded down. He turned his face so that his lips brushed across her cheek in a kiss and then he too glanced skyward.

  “Make a wish,” she murmured.

  “I have my wish. Now make yours.”

  She took a deep breath and held it for a long second. Then she closed her eyes and made her wish. Sadness crept in and took hold because she knew that some wishes couldn’t come true.

  After a moment, Ryan stirred under her and then carefully pushed her upward so he could move from behind her. He got to his feet, dusted sand from his jeans and reached down for her hand.

  Thinking he was ready to head back to their suite, she let him pull her up. But instead of walking toward the hotel, he took her closer to the water’s edge.

  Moonlight splashed like silver across the surface of the water. The sky was filling rapidly with stars, scattered like fairy dust across the horizon.

  How fanciful she was tonight. Wishes and fairy dust. It seemed appropriate for such a magical setting, though. Maybe she’d wake up in the morning and this would have all been a dream.

  If that was the case, she was determined to exist in her dream world for as long as possible.

  Without a word, Ryan took her in his arms and began to move to the distant strains of music. He gathered her close and she tucked her head beneath his chin, leaning into him as they swayed in time with the ocean and the soft melody lilting through the air.

  Closer and closer they melted together until they were barely moving at all. She was tucked securely against his body, a perfect fit.

  He laid his cheek atop her head and turned slowly, his feet guiding their rhythm.

  Finally they stopped moving at all and stood locked together as night fell around them. He ran his fingers through her hair and kissed the top of her head.

  She tilted back so that she looked into his eyes and she saw need and desire, but she also saw hope.

  Her eyelids grew heavy as he slowly, ever so slowly, lowered his head until their mouths were so close but not yet touching. The moment stretched on, their breaths mingling, their gazes never breaking apart.

  As the music drifted quietly away, he kissed her.

  It was the most romantic, exquisite kiss she’d ever been given. It was a kiss that told her more than words ever could that this man cherished her. He wanted her. He would have her.

  And when he finally pulled his mouth away, he tugged her into his arms and stood holding her tight as the moon bathed them in pale light.

  Nine

  Kelly pulled the nightgown over her head and warily glanced down her body. There was no doubt the garment was beautiful. A concoction of lace and satin that floated over her skin and molded to all the contours.

  But she felt far too exposed. Her breasts looked too…big. Her belly looked enormous. Thank God she couldn’t see her feet.

  She eyed her door, knowing she was supposed to go to Ryan’s room after she’d undressed for bed, but she couldn’t seem to make herself take those few steps.

  It wasn’t that she didn’t trust Ryan. No, it was herself she didn’t trust. She’d already made a big enough fool of herself when it came to this man. Once back in his arms, snuggled up close to him, she’d probably lose what little common sense she had left.

  She sighed and sank onto the edge of her bed. Her hesitation was just another sad indication of the rift in their relationship. She’d never been inhibited around Ryan before.

  He’d often be propped up in bed with his laptop, his brow creased in concentration as he worked on who knew what. She’d crawl into bed with exactly nothing on and tease and taun
t him until his laptop and work were forgotten.

  He used to laughingly say that he knew better than to bring work home because she never let him get away with it.

  And now she couldn’t even bring herself to walk into his bedroom.

  A knock sounded at her door and then it opened a crack. Ryan stuck his head in. He stopped when he saw her sitting on the bed.

  “Everything okay?”

  She nodded.

  He eased the door all the way open and walked in. He stood in front of her for a moment and then sat down on the bed next to her. He didn’t say anything. He simply laid his hand on her lap, palm up, and waited for her to take it.

  After a moment, she slid her hand over his. He twined his fingers through hers and squeezed gently. Then he stood and pulled her to her feet.

  “We’re both tired,” he said. “Let’s turn in and we’ll worry about tomorrow when it gets here.”

  That didn’t sound like the Ryan she knew. He was a man who planned everything to the nth degree. He had schedules, lists, planners, calendars. He not only worried about tomorrow, but the next year as well.

  He led her into his bedroom and motioned for her to get into bed. He hung back, maybe out of deference to her obvious unease. Taking a deep breath, she crawled beneath the covers and turned so she’d face away from him when he got in.

  The bed dipped behind her, and she felt his warmth as soon as he slid beneath the covers. He moved about for a few seconds and then the next thing she knew, he was flush against her back.

  He wrapped one arm over her and pulled her in close. He nuzzled her hair before resting his cheek over her ear.

  It was all she could do not to break down. It had been so long and it felt so right. Just like so many other nights in his arms. She’d missed him. Unbelievably, she’d missed him.

  “No past,” he murmured in her ear. “Just us. Right now.”

  She closed her eyes. It had been stupid to agree not to bring up the past. They might not talk about it but it loomed over them like a cloak of doom. It lay between them, awkward and unwieldy. There was no forgetting the past.

  What they were doing was called denial. And it wasn’t particularly effective.

  He kissed her neck and snuggled a little closer. He cupped his hand over her belly affectionately. But the moment was bittersweet. This was how it should have been between them all along.

  “Relax and go to sleep, Kell. I just want to hold you.”

  And oddly enough it was what she wanted too.

  When Kelly opened her eyes, the first thing that registered was how comfortable she was. And warm. The second thing she realized was that she was on top of Ryan.

  Not just on top of him, but sprawled across him as if she owned him. Her cheek was plastered to his shoulder and her forehead pressed against the side of his neck.

  It was the way she’d woken every morning when they’d lived together.