Wanted by Her Lost Love

by Maya Banks

  moment and leaned back, sipping at the sweet and tart drink.

  He glanced at her propped-up feet and then frowned. “Your feet are pretty swollen.”

  She lifted one and sighed. “Yeah. Apparently I’m a water-retaining cow.”

  “Are they hurting? Want me to rub them?”

  “No, I’m fine. They ache a little but right now I don’t want anyone touching them. I’ll just sit like this for the rest of the evening and drink lots of water. The potassium in the OJ will help.”

  He leaned over and kissed her forehead just as the buzzer sounded.

  “That’ll be our luggage. Be right back.”

  She adjusted her position so that some of the tension was relieved in her back. The truth was she was tired of sitting after being on the airplane for so many hours, but neither did she want to be on her feet with swollen and aching ankles.

  Deciding to dispense with sitting at all, she turned on her side, stuck a cushion between her legs and let out a sigh at the bliss of being off her behind and her feet.

  She stared across the room out the panels of glass that led onto the balcony and watched as a few snowflakes spiraled downward. The weather didn’t seem to be able to make up its mind whether it wanted to rain, sleet or snow; but, at least for now, a few fat flakes were falling.

  The flames from the gas fireplace gave the living room a warm, homey feel and as she adjusted her gaze to the fireplace, lethargy stole over her.

  She reached for the throw draped on the back of the couch and pulled it over her body, sighing that she finally felt comfortable after traveling for so long.

  Her eyelids were drooping and she didn’t fight the urge to sleep. Ryan would wake her in time for dinner.

  When Ryan returned to the living room, he found Kelly fast asleep on the couch, her hand tucked under her cheek. He was struck by how young and innocent she looked. Not at all like someone who played brother against brother.

  He supposed it was unfair to think such thoughts when they’d both made an effort to get beyond the past, but the dark thoughts always crept in.

  What fault did he have that would cause Kelly to seek comfort with his brother? And why had she been vengeful enough to want to ruin his relationship with his only sibling when Jarrod had told her that he was going to confess to Ryan that they’d had sex?

  Ryan felt more like a father to Jarrod than a brother. Eight years separated them in age and their father had died when Ryan was barely a teenager. He’d stepped in, assuming the paternal role with Jarrod, who was still a boy.

  He’d attended all his baseball games, taken him to sporting events. Taken him to movies. He’d been there for his graduation from high school. Had helped him move when he went off to college and supported his decision to return home and pursue a career in finance.

  Nothing should come between brothers. Certainly not a woman. But one had. Kelly had. Not only had it struck a blow to his relationship with Jarrod that he still hadn’t recovered from but it had destroyed his relationship with Kelly as well.

  A relationship he was determined to rebuild.

  But to go forward, he had to determine what had gone wrong in the past.

  No matter what they’d vowed, at some point the past had to be addressed. It couldn’t be ignored forever.

  He picked up his phone and quietly walked into the next room to call Devon and Cam.

  Thirteen

  Ryan took Kelly to the doctor the next day. She’d assumed that she would go to the doctor. As in alone. And that Ryan would go back to work since he’d been out of the office for nearly a week.

  But he’d ridden with her, gone into the exam room with her and stuck to her side throughout the entire appointment.

  The doctor made noises about the swelling and noted that there was still protein in her urine. He asked her endless questions about how she felt and then issued a stern lecture about taking it easy.

  Ryan latched on to every word and by the time they left, Kelly was sure that he’d lock her in her bedroom and not allow her out until the baby was born.

  She was prepared to be stir-crazy in advance, but he said nothing. When they arrived back at the apartment, he didn’t make her prop her feet up even though that was precisely what she did as soon as they walked through the door.

  “I think as long as you don’t overdue it that there’s no reason you can’t get around in moderation,” Ryan said. “The doctor was in agreement that we just need to watch you closely for any change and be sensitive to when you’re not feeling well to make sure it doesn’t develop into something more serious.”

  Thank God he was prepared to be reasonable.

  “I thought we could eat out tonight if you feel up to it. It’s cold but it’s not supposed to snow or sleet. I know you like going out.”

  Touched that he’d remembered—although she wasn’t sure why he wouldn’t—she smiled and nodded in excitement. She did love the city at night. Loved the lights, the cozy restaurants and little hole-in-the-wall cafés and local eateries.

  “I sent Jansen out for warmer clothing and a coat for you. Just until you feel up to shopping for yourself,” he said. “I’ll go with you when you want to. Just say the word.”

  Knowing how much Ryan hated shopping, she was touched and idiotically emotional over the fact that he’d offered to go with her.

  “We should also think about going shopping for the baby very soon,” Ryan said in a husky voice.

  She blinked in surprise. But then she stared down at her belly and realized that he was right. She only had a short time—weeks—until the baby would arrive. Six weeks? But babies often came early. And she was horribly unprepared.

  In Houston she’d lived from paycheck to paycheck, just praying to be able to make rent and save money for when she had to take time off when the baby was born. There hadn’t been money for all the things people bought in preparation for a baby, so she’d never even thought about it.

  Panicked now that she realized how unprepared she was, she stared in dismay at Ryan.

  “Hey,” he said as he scooted over next to her. “I didn’t mean to stress you out. I thought you’d be excited to shop for the baby.”

  “I don’t have anything,” she confessed. “No baby clothing. No crib. Diapers. Oh God, I don’t even know what-all I need. I was always happy to just make it through another day in Houston. I never looked ahead. It was too overwhelming.”

  He gathered her in his arms and held her as he ran his hand soothingly over her hair. “There’s no hurry, okay? I’ll send out for some parenting books and magazines and for the next few days, I want you to rest, put your feet up and do as much reading as you like. Make a list. We’ll look at stuff together. It’ll be fun. We still have plenty of time before she gets here.”

  She squeezed him in a tight hug. “Thank you. I think you just prevented a meltdown. I feel so awful. I don’t even have any cute baby booties. What kind of mother am I going to be?” she asked mournfully.

  He squeezed her back. “You’ll be a wonderful mom. You’ve had a lot to deal with. Cut yourself some slack, okay? Now why don’t you go take a long soaking bath and get ready for dinner?”

  She reached up and pulled him down to kiss him. It was on the tip of her tongue to say she loved him, but she swallowed the words and kissed him again instead.

  He kissed her back, lingering over her lips, savoring the taste and feel of her.

  It shouldn’t make her feel so sad that she still loved him. But she couldn’t shake the heaviness from her chest as she pulled away and then got up and headed for the bathroom.

  “I got a call from Rafael today,” Ryan said over dinner.

  Kelly frowned. “How is he doing? I still can’t believe he got into a plane crash, lost his memory and then fell in love with a woman he completely screwed over for land.”

  Ryan winced. “You make it sound so…”

  She lifted an eyebrow. “Awful? I know he’s your friend, but he’s always been arrogant
and a bit of a jerk. Especially toward women. He never liked me.”

  “Rafe has changed. I know it sounds weird, but after his accident he did a one-eighty. Anyway, he and Bryony are back from their honeymoon and they’re coming into town in a few days to put his apartment on the market.”

  “He’s moving?”

  That shocked Kelly. Rafael was an urbanite through and through. He loved the city. Loved to travel. She couldn’t imagine him anywhere else.

  “Yeah, he and Bryony are going to maintain a residence on Moon Island.”

  “Wow. Rafael must really be in love.”

  “Amazing what men in love will do for the women they love,” Ryan said softly.

  Kelly didn’t meet his gaze and concentrated instead on her soup. Lobster bisque. After six months of bland diner food, she savored every bite. Her taste buds were all simultaneously orgasming.

  She’d eaten more in the past week than she had in all those months in Houston, and she was going to balloon like a blowfish if she kept this up. She’d even closed her eyes when they’d weighed her at her doctor’s appointment the previous day, not wanting to know how much weight she’d gained.

  “He wants us all to get together.”

  Her eyes narrowed. “Define us.”

  “Me, you, Dev and Cam and, of course, Rafael and Bryony. I also thought it would be good to invite Mom so you’d have the buffer of other people. We can get it over with in one clean sweep.”

  It sounded like an evening from hell, not that she’d admit that to him. She couldn’t imagine anything worse than being surrounded by Ryan’s closest friends, who of course all had been told that she’d cheated on Ryan with Jarrod. She nearly bared her teeth in response to that thought. And then there was his darling mother. All the evening lacked was…Jarrod.

  “And Jarrod?” she asked icily.

  “He won’t be invited. I wouldn’t do that to you, Kell,” Ryan said quietly.

  “When is this supposed to take place?”

  “Next week. Probably at the end of the week. They’ll be busy organizing his apartment. We’ll eat at Tony’s. You like it there. It’s nice and casual. We can leave at any time and there won’t be any obligation to stay and visit.”

  She sighed. She had to hand it to him. He was working hard to make things as easy for her as possible. The least she could do is be accommodating. His friends were important to him. His mother was important to him.

  “All right,” she said in a low voice. “Of course we can go.” She forced a smile. “It’ll be nice to see everyone again.” She nearly choked on the lie, but the relief in Ryan’s eyes made it worth it.

  He reached for her hands. “We’re going to make it this time, Kell.”

  She caught his fingers and returned his squeeze. “It makes me feel better to know you think so.”

  “Do you have doubts?”

  “I’d be lying if I said I didn’t. I’m scared witless. I’m scared to go out of your apartment,” she said honestly. “I don’t like the person I’ve become, but it doesn’t change the fact that I’m a very different person than the Kelly you knew. I’m more cautious now. I’m…harder. I don’t like it about myself, but I’ve learned to be that way out of necessity.”

  He took her hand in both of his and propped his elbows on the table as he stared over at her.

  “Marry me.”

  She jerked her hand back in shock and stared at him. “What?” Where the hell had that come from?

  “Marry me.”

  He withdrew one hand and then reached into his pocket to pull out a small ring box. With his thumb, he flipped it open and she saw a stunning diamond ring nestled in velvet.

  He held it out to her and she lifted her gaze to stare at him as if he’d lost his mind.

  “I couldn’t decide whether or not to give you back your old one or buy you a new one. I kept the old ring. I kept it with me the entire time you were gone. But then I decided that we deserve a fresh start. So I bought a new one for a new beginning.”

  Her hand trembled in his and she stared speechlessly at him.

  He ruefully shook his head. “I know it’s not the most romantic proposal. It’s not even under the best circumstances. I’d intended to wait. Until it was the right time. Until we’d sorted out things between us. But I couldn’t wait any longer. And when my friends and family see you again, I want them to know that we’re together, that you’re the woman I’m going to marry and that you have my support.”

  Tears filled her eyes and her chest ached with emotion. He made no move to take the ring out of the box and put it on her finger for her. He simply held it in the palm of his hand, waiting for her to make the decision.

  “But Ryan,” she began helplessly. “There’s so much… The past…”

  “Shh,” he murmured. “I know what you’re saying. We have a lot to talk about. We have a lot to work out. But I wanted to do this first so that you know that no matter what comes out when we eventually revisit the past that I still want to marry you. I need you to know that. Maybe it’ll help. Maybe it’ll make it easier knowing that it won’t change things between us now.”

  She wiped furiously at the moisture on her cheeks, determined not to ruin the moment by breaking down. “In that case, yes. I’ll marry you.”

  He looked thunderstruck, like maybe he really hadn’t expected her to agree. And then he smiled and such joy flashed across his face that it left her breathless. His eyes lit up and his grip on her hand tightened until her fingertips were bloodless.

  He fumbled with the box, took the ring out. The hand he held hers with shook as he positioned her finger so he could slide the ring on.

  Then he leaned across the table and kissed her. When he pulled away, he still held her hand and he suddenly stood, pulling her to her feet.

  “Let’s go,” he said hoarsely. “Let’s go home where we can be alone. I just want to hold you away from everyone else.”

  She went willingly into his arms and they walked past the other diners, uncaring of the stares they received. She never felt the cold, brisk air as they exited the restaurant and walked to the curb where Ryan’s car waited.

  For once she felt warm on the inside. After feeling cold and alone for so long, sunshine rushed through her veins.

  Fourteen

  Kelly woke to find Ryan gone from bed. She rolled to check the clock on the nightstand and realized why she was alone. It was after nine and Ryan would have long since gone into the office.

  When they’d returned from St. Angelo, Kelly had moved into Ryan’s room. It wasn’t as though a big production had been made. He’d simply carried her luggage into his room. And when it was time for bed, he’d carried her to his bed.

  And she’d stayed.

  How easily they’d fallen back into a comfortable routine. Just like before.

  Before, it had been easy to take for granted the rapport between them. The comfort and trust. She hadn’t known then as she knew now how quickly things could be broken.

  Even now she questioned how it could have happened.

  There was always an excuse, a reason. He hadn’t loved her enough. He hadn’t trusted her. Their relationship was too new to weather something so difficult.

  But no matter the reason, the end result had been the same. When things had gotten difficult, their relationship had crumbled like stale bread.

  It didn’t speak well for their future.

  But she wouldn’t think of that right now. Sure, it was stupid of her to allow herself to have such faith in him. But hope was a powerful thing. It made a person willingly blind to the truth.

  She kept telling herself maybe this time…

  Maybe this time they would truly get things right. Even if it meant forever bearing the burden of having the man she loved think she’d betrayed him with another man. His brother.

  So many times she wanted to confront him. She wanted to try again to make him listen to her. Make him hear the truth. But each time she bit her lip because what pu
rpose would it serve?

  He might not believe her. He might. But would it change anything in the past? Would it change their future?

  It wouldn’t even make her feel any better because she knew the truth. Ryan believed she’d lied to him but he wanted to forget and move on. Was she an idiot to want more than that? Was she stupid to want him to know how wrong he’d been?

  It was a dilemma that plagued her every single day that she and Ryan were back together. Part of her wanted to make him listen and to demand that he accept that he’d been wrong if he expected her to give this whole thing another shot.

  Another part of her told her that her pride and her anger were barriers to her own happiness.

  Wasn’t a life with Ryan what she ultimately wanted? Did it matter how she achieved that goal?

  She stared up at the ceiling as she lay in bed.

  Yeah, it did. It really did. She couldn’t go through their life together knowing it was in the back of Ryan’s mind that she’d slept with someone else when she’d promised to be faithful to him.

  She had to accept that what she really feared was that when she did confront Ryan, he’d reject her all over again, and if that happened, she knew she couldn’t spend her life with someone who didn’t trust her.

  She was a coward, but it was the cold, hard truth that fear was what held her back. Not pride. Not anything else. She knew that if he didn’t believe her this time they could never be together.

  Not wanting the weight of anxiety to bear down on her today, she shook the bleak thoughts from her mind and crawled out of bed. She padded into the living room to see that Ryan had turned the fire on for her.

  To her further surprise, she found a breakfast tray waiting for her on the table with bagels, cheese and an assortment of fruit.

  But what caught her eye was the tiny pair of yellow baby booties.

  She picked up the soft, fuzzy little booties, her throat knotting as she read the accompanying card.

  Because you said you didn’t have a pair yet. Love, Ryan.

  She sank into the seat, her eyes stinging with tears. She held the booties to her cheek and then touched the card, tracing the scrawl of his signature.

  “I shouldn’t love you this much,” she whispered. God, but she couldn’t help herself. She craved him. He was her other half. She didn’t feel whole without him.

  And so began a courting ritual that tugged on her heartstrings.

  Every morning when she crawled out of bed, there was a new present waiting for her from Ryan.

  There was a baby book that outlined everything she could expect from birth through the first year of life. One morning he left her two outfits. One for a boy and one for a girl. Just in case, he had written.

  On the fifth morning, he simply left her a note that told her a gift was waiting in the extra bedroom.

  Excited, she hurried toward the bedroom she’d once occupied and threw open the door to see not one present but a room full of baby things.

  A stroller. A crib that was already put together. A little bouncy thing. An assortment of toys. A changing table. She couldn’t take in all the stuff that was there. She didn’t even know what all of it was for.

  How on earth had he managed to sneak this in without her hearing?

  And there by the window was a rocking chair with a yellow afghan lying over the arm. She walked over and reverently touched the wood, giving the chair an experimental push.

  It creaked once and then swayed gently back and forth.

  Already her feet protested her being up, so she moved the blanket and sat, staring around at the room full of treasures for their child.