Wanted by Her Lost Love

by Maya Banks

  we feel.”

  “How do you feel, Ryan? Do you really want this?”

  “Yeah, I do, Kell. I want it so damn much that the thought of you walking away has my gut in knots.”

  Her eyes widened. “But I never walked away from you.”

  He blew out his breath. “Let’s not talk about that, okay? Whatever happened in the past, the point is, I don’t want you to walk away now. I can’t stand the thought of it.”

  “Okay,” she said so quietly he almost didn’t hear.

  He reached out and nudged her chin up. “Okay?”

  “I want to stay. I have no idea how we’ll work all this out, but I want to try.”

  Satisfaction ripped through him, so savage that for a moment he couldn’t breathe. He had to temper his reaction because he wanted nothing more than to grab her, haul her into his arms and hold her so damn tight that she could never escape.

  “We’ll do more than try,” he vowed. “We’re going to fix this, Kell. We’re going to make it work this time.”

  Eleven

  “She doesn’t give up, does she?” Kelly murmured as she watched Roberta approach their table, a determined expression on her face.

  Ryan looked up and to his credit heaved a sigh and appeared to be extremely irritated with the impending interruption. After a morning and most of the afternoon in bed, they’d ventured out for dinner and now here was Roberta, circling like a hawk.

  And it wasn’t that Kelly was jealous. Honestly, Roberta wasn’t Ryan’s type, though she supposed his type could have changed after he’d broken their engagement.

  What bothered her was the seemingly public knowledge of their relationship. It just proved Kelly’s assertion that his family and friends alike loathed her. Something Ryan was finally coming to accept. But acceptance didn’t make anything easier.

  While love was supposed to be “everything,” she wasn’t naive enough to think that relatives hating you didn’t put an unbearable strain on a relationship. Who could be happy when, at every turn, your lover’s family did everything they could to make their disapproval known?

  Maybe they’d both been too naive the first time. Maybe now they could be stronger together. But then what would happen if and when Ryan finally knew the truth about Jarrod? And his mother’s part in the whole affair?

  Once again, Kelly would be the wedge between him and his family. Their relationship might not survive a second time.

  Roberta stopped at the table and bent to kiss Ryan on either cheek, but when he turned away, she caught him full on the lips, leaving a smear of lipstick.

  Kelly sighed and sat back, resigned to another uncomfortable scene.

  Ryan looked…pissed.

  “Roberta, what the hell?”

  He didn’t even try to be polite this time.

  “Oh, I just came around to say goodbye. My flight leaves in the morning and I hoped we could set up a time to get together when you return to New York. Your mother would like us all to have dinner.”

  She flicked a sideways look of disdain—and challenge—in Kelly’s direction, but Kelly purposely yawned and sent a bored look in return.

  Roberta frowned but turned eagerly back to Ryan. “Shall we say this weekend perhaps? I’m sure Kelly wouldn’t mind. After all, you and I are old friends.”

  “I mind,” Ryan said in a clipped voice. “Now if that’s all, we’d appreciate being left to our meal.”

  “I’ll call you,” Roberta murmured. “We’ll talk…later.” The inference being they’d talk when Kelly wasn’t around. Was the woman stupid?

  It was tempting to put her firmly in her place, but frankly it would take too much effort and Kelly was quite content to remain in her seat and watch Roberta stew in her own ignorance.

  Roberta touched Ryan’s face in a gesture that repulsed Kelly then slid one long nail down his jaw before fluttering her fingers at him as she walked away.

  Ryan turned, his lips tight. “God, I’m sorry, Kell. You have to know I haven’t encouraged her.”

  Kelly smiled and handed him a napkin to wipe the lipstick off his mouth. “Yeah, I figured that much out. She’s…she’s interesting. And awfully dense. You were pretty blatant with the brush-off. It makes me wonder what your mother promised her.”

  Ryan frowned as he swiped at his lips. He pulled the napkin away, frowning even harder at the red smear on the material. Then he reached across the table and took her hand. “Let’s not let her ruin what has otherwise been a spectacular day.”

  Kelly rolled her eyes. “You’re just saying that because of the sex. Give a man sex and it’s the most amazing day ever.”

  He grinned. “Well, there is that, but it’s not just sex with you, Kell. It’s…more.”

  She flushed in pleasure at the sincerity in his voice. He made her believe all sorts of crazy things, like they could actually work through the serious issues facing them.

  “So what do you want to do after dinner?” she asked lightly.

  “How about another walk on the beach? Maybe we’ll stop in the cabana down the way for some dancing.”

  “I liked how we danced last night,” she said in a dreamy voice. “Just you and me. No one else around. It was an amazing night.”

  He studied her for a long moment, his fingers idly caressing hers. “Yeah, it was.” He lifted her hand and brought it to his mouth where he proceeded to kiss each fingertip before turning her hand over and nuzzling into her palm. “I thought maybe tomorrow we could get out and see some of the sights as long as you’re feeling up to it. I don’t want you walking, but I’ve arranged for a convertible so we can drive where we like. Top down, wind-in-our-hair sort of thing.”

  “It sounds fun.” And it had been a long time since she’d simply had fun. She smiled, feeling her chest grow lighter with each passing second.

  Impulsively she squeezed his hand.

  “I love that you’re smiling again,” he said. “You’re beautiful when you smile. I want you to be happy, Kell. I’ll do whatever it takes to make you happy.”

  With that statement, she felt some of her hurt and anger recede. For the first time she began to believe that maybe they could get beyond the past and forge ahead.

  He seemed so sincere. Whatever he thought of her in the past, he seemed willing to push aside those feelings and start over. Why would he go to such lengths if he didn’t care about her?

  “I want this to work,” she said earnestly. And for the first time she really believed wholeheartedly that she did. That they could find their way back to each other seemed an impossible dream. It would take forgiveness and sacrifice, but she wanted it more than anything.

  “Let me see your feet,” Ryan said as he lowered himself onto the couch next to her.

  He reached down, took her feet and maneuvered them until they rested on his lap. He examined them with the precision of a physician, testing for swelling. Then he settled into a gentle massage until she all but wilted in pleasure.

  “They’re looking better. The swelling’s down quite a bit.” He paused for a moment, his hands still moving over her arches, and stared at her. “You look better, Kell.”

  “Thanks. I think,” she said in amusement.

  His expression grew serious. “You looked tired and worn down when I found you in Houston.”

  “I was,” she admitted. “But I’d rather not talk about it.”

  “Yet another thing that’s off-limits?”

  She shrugged. “Nothing good can come of it.”

  “I worried I kept you on your feet too much this evening,” he said as he continued to rub. “But I enjoyed dancing with you on the beach. It was an excuse to hold you.”

  She smiled and leaned back, allowing the pleasure of his touch to wash through her body. “I feel fine. Really. Not so tired anymore. I have more energy now than I’ve had since early in my pregnancy. Being on my feet all the time eventually wore me down.”

  He went silent and he looked brooding, his expression intense. He massa
ged her soles and then worked up to her toes.

  He seemed to battle whether or not he wanted to speak, but finally he locked his gaze with hers and said, “Why didn’t you cash the check, Kelly? I gave it to you so you’d be provided for. No matter what you did, how angry I was or how things were between us, I intended you to be cared for. Do you have any idea what it did to me to find you working in that god-awful place and living in a dive, barely making it? Hell, you didn’t even have food in your apartment.”

  “I ate at the diner,” she said.

  He made a sound of exasperation. “Like that’s supposed to make me feel any better? Why didn’t you use the money? You could have finished college. You could have lived for a long time to come without ever having to work.”

  “I have pride. It took a beating but it’s still intact. I guess if I hadn’t been able to find a job and the choice was between starving or taking money that made me feel dirty, I would have sucked it up and done it anyway.”

  “Did you hate me so much?” he asked hoarsely. “That you would rather work in such deplorable conditions than accept anything from me?”

  She leveled a stare at him. “Don’t ask questions you aren’t prepared to hear the answers to.”

  He closed his eyes. “That’s answer enough, I suppose.”

  She shrugged. “You hated me, too.”

  He shook his head and her eyes widened. “No? Ryan, you said and did some terrible things. Not the least of which was tossing that check at me with so much disdain that I can still remember the way I felt.”

  “What did you expect?” he asked. “For God’s sake, Kelly, I’d just found out you slept with my brother. You had my ring on your finger, we were planning our wedding and you slept with my brother.”

  “And of course he’s blameless in the whole thing,” she said scornfully. “Tell me, Ryan, how long did it take you to forgive him? How long before he was coming back over and you were having family dinners at your mother’s?”

  His face flushed a dull red and then he dragged a hand raggedly through his hair. “It took a while, all right? I was furious with him—and you. I had to decide whether to allow what happened to ruin our relationship. He’s family. He’s my brother.”

  She leaned forward, forgetting their vow not to dredge up the past. “And I was the woman you were supposed to marry, Ryan. Didn’t I deserve anything from you? Besides a payoff and a get-the-hell-out-of-my-life?”

  “I’m here now,” he said quietly. “I was angry. I had a right to be. I won’t apologize for that. But I’m here now and I want us to try again. We both made mistakes.”

  She had to let go of the resentment and anger that still bubbled up every time they spoke of the past. She had to put it away because there was no way for her to win.

  She leaned back again and wiggled her foot in his hand to hint for him to continue his massage.

  “So where are we going to drive tomorrow? Should I wear one of those scarves and huge sunglasses so I look chic?”

  He relaxed, relief stark in his eyes that she was letting the matter drop.

  “Wear that very sexy sundress that Jansen bought you.”

  She arched an eyebrow. “Which one? He bought several.”

  “Clearly you haven’t seen the one then. Or you’d know what I was talking about. It’s red. Perfect with your coloring. Strapless, clingy in all the right places. Just make sure to bring something to protect your head from the sun.”

  “It sounds fun. Carefree,” she said wistfully. It had been far too long since she’d done anything remotely resembling carefree.

  “I intend for us to have a lot of fun together again, Kell. We used to. We were happy.”

  She had to acknowledge that they had been. Once. So she nodded and he smiled.

  “Are you ready for bed yet?” he asked.

  “Depends on what you have in mind,” she murmured.

  A gleam entered his eyes and he slid his hands up her legs, stroking and caressing.

  “Well, I sure wasn’t planning to go to sleep. Not for a good long while.”

  “In that case, definitely take me to bed.”

  He rose and then unexpectedly he reached down, slid his arms beneath her and lifted her up, cradling her against his chest.

  “Ryan, put me down. I’m too heavy!”

  He silenced her with a kiss. “A—you’re still a little bit of a thing. And B—are you suggesting I’m not manly enough to carry my woman around?”

  She laughed. “Forget I said anything. Carry on then.”

  Twelve

  There weren’t enough words to explain how much she dreaded getting on that plane and flying back to New York. The past two days had had a dreamlike quality. They were like the best fantasy imaginable, unmarred by a single incident.

  And now they were going back to reality.

  Cold, gloomy New York City.

  She hadn’t always felt that way about the city but now it only held bad memories for her. She wasn’t as optimistic as Ryan that they could somehow pull the pieces of their relationship back together and sustain it with so many factors against them.

  As if sensing her reluctance, Ryan slid an arm around her waist and urged her onto the plane.

  A few moments later, they were seated and Ryan reached over to buckle her seat belt for her.

  “It’s going to be all right, Kell. Trust me.”

  She wished it was that easy.

  Still, she offered him a reassuring smile and settled back for the flight.

  But it was Ryan who seemed to grow more tense as the flight neared its end. He touched her frequently, and at first she thought it was to ease her nerves, but she wondered now if it was to reassure himself.

  Did he think she’d bolt and run as soon as they landed? She might be tempted but she’d given him her promise and she intended to keep it. Even if it killed her.

  They hadn’t really talked about what would happen when they got back to New York. Maybe they’d both been too determined not to ruin their time on the island.

  Once again when they landed, there was a car waiting for them, and Ryan hurried her out of the cold and into the warm confines of the vehicle.

  A mixture of snow and sleet fell from gray skies and she shivered even though the heat was on full blast in the back of the car. It was a shock to leave sunshine and sandy beaches for the bitter chill of New York in the throes of a cold front.

  The euphoria that had enveloped much of their stay on the island evaporated and depression settled over her until her mood matched the weather.

  Ryan pulled her into his side and kissed her temple. “I have a distinct urge to order in tonight, eat in front of the fire and then make love to you for the rest of the night.”

  She sighed and snuggled into his side. Somehow he’d known just what to say to make some of the oppressive worry melt away.

  “I had fun with you the last few days,” she said, wanting him to have that admission at least.

  “I’m glad. I had fun with you too. It felt like old times, only…better.”

  She nodded because it had been better. More honest. Or maybe they hadn’t taken a single moment for granted as they’d done in the past. They’d enjoyed every single minute together, making the most of each one.

  They’d laughed and loved and they’d made love. The very last day they hadn’t left their hotel room. Their meals had been delivered and they’d stayed in bed, only leaving it to take a leisurely shower together.

  She wished it could have lasted.

  But they had to face the music sooner or later.

  “I had Jansen make you an appointment to see the doctor tomorrow. I want to be sure everything is okay with you and the baby.”

  She smiled, loving the concern in his voice. “Spending the time away with you did more for me than any doctor ever could.”

  He looked pleased with her response, pleased that she’d admitted it. He bent to kiss her again as they pulled up outside Ryan’s apartment building. />
  Ryan hastily got out, helped Kelly from the car and rushed her out of the cold and into the building. As they rode up in the elevator, Kelly realized just how much she dreaded being back here, in this apartment. In this city.

  “My driver will bring the luggage up soon. Why don’t you go get comfortable on the couch? I’ll turn the fire on and fix us something to drink. Are you hungry?”

  “Hmm, no, but I’d love Thai takeout later. For now I’ll have some juice.”

  “Thai sounds good. Get comfortable. Take your shoes off and prop your feet up. I bet your ankles are swelling from sitting with your feet down for that long.”

  Kelly chuckled at the mother hen sound to his voice but did as he said and settled on the sumptuous leather couch. She kicked off her shoes and winced at the puffy look of her ankles as she propped them on the ottoman.

  She’d have the doctor and Ryan both griping at her, but heck, she’d done nothing except eat good food, rest and relax for the past several days. What more could she do?

  Ryan had just set their drinks on the coffee table and settled next to her when his phone started ringing. She supposed it was to be expected since he’d been out of the country. It wasn’t as if his being tied up with work was anything new. In the past, though, she’d never hesitated to needle him or distract him. Something that had both exasperated and thrilled him in equal parts.

  But now she sat quietly as he fished his BlackBerry out of his pocket.

  His lips thinned a bit before he put the phone to his ear.

  “Hello, Mom.”

  Kelly sighed. That hadn’t taken long.

  Ryan wasn’t one of those guys who was tied to the apron strings, but he respected his mother, as any son should, and like most children, she supposed, had a bit of a blind spot when it came to her.

  Or maybe he just didn’t want to see her as the conniving vindictive witch that Kelly knew her to be. Kelly was sure his mother had her good points. She obviously loved her sons. But she’d never be someone Kelly would warm to. Ever.

  “Yes, we’re back. Listen, Mom, why did you send Roberta there? I don’t appreciate you interfering. I won’t tolerate any disrespect toward Kelly. You need to accept that she’s with me. If you can’t do that, then you and I are going to have a serious problem.”

  Kelly’s eyes rounded. There was anger in Ryan’s voice and his eyes were hard.

  “We’ll see,” he continued. “Right now Kelly and I need some time together without interference, no matter how well meaning. I’ll call you when we’re ready to have dinner together.”

  Ugh. It took all of Kelly’s control not to make a face. But this was Ryan’s mother. This was her child’s grandmother, no matter how much Kelly wished it to be different.

  “I love you too, Mom. Let me go. We just got in and we’re both tired.”

  He tossed the BlackBerry on the couch. Kelly looked inquisitively at him.

  “Mom wants to express her apologies for Roberta’s actions. And her own. She wants to have dinner with us one night. I told her I’d be in touch when we were ready for that.”

  There wasn’t anything she could say so she remained silent. She leaned forward to pick up her glass of orange juice to mask the awkwardness of the