Mr. Sponge's Sporting Tour

by Robert Smith Surtees

  CHAPTER XII

  AN OLD FRIEND

  About a fortnight after the above catastrophe, and as the recollection ofit was nearly effaced by Miss Jumpheavy's abduction of Ensign Downley, ourfriend, Mr. Waffles, on visiting his stud at the four o'clockstable-hour, found a most respectable, middle-aged, rosy-gilled,better-sort-of-farmer-looking man, straddling his tight drab-trouseredlegs, with a twisted ash plant propping his chin, behind the redoubtableHercules. He had a bran-new hat on, a velvet-collared blue coat with metalbuttons, that anywhere but in the searching glare and contrast of Londonmight have passed for a spic-and-span new one; a small, striped,step-collared toilanette vest; and the aforesaid drab trousers, in theright-hand pocket of which his disengaged hand kept fishing up and slippingdown an avalanche of silver, which made a pleasant musical accompaniment tohis monetary conversation. On seeing Mr. Waffles, the stranger touched hishat, and appeared to be about to retire, when Mr. Figg, the stud-groom,thus addressed his master:

  'This be Mr. Buckram, sir, of London, sir; says he knows our brown 'orse,sir.'

  'Ah, indeed,' observed Mr. Waffles, taking a cigar from his mouth; 'knowsno good of him, I should think. What part of London do you live in, Mr.Buckram?' asked he.

  'Why, I doesn't exactly live in London, my lord--that's to say, sir--alittle way out of it, you know--have a little hindependence of my own, youunderstand.'

  'Hang it, how should I understand anything of the sort--never set eyes onyou before,' replied Mr. Waffles.

  The half-crowns now began to descend singly in the pocket, keeping up aprotracted jingle, like the notes of a lazy, undecided musical snuff-box.By the time the last had dropped, Mr. Buckram had collected himselfsufficiently to resume.

  Taking the ash-plant away from his mouth, with which he had beenbarricading his lips, he observed--

  'I know'd that oss when Lord Bullfrog had him,' nodding his head at our oldfriend as he spoke.

  'The deuce you did!' observed Mr. Waffles;' where was that?'

  'In Leicestersheer,' replied Mr. Buckram. 'I have a haunt as lives at MountSorrel; she has a little hindependence of her own, and I goes down'casionally to see her--in fact, I believes I'm her _hare_. Well, I wasdown there just at the beginnin' of the season, the 'ounds met at KirbyGate--a mile or two to the south, you know, on the Leicester road--it wasthe fust day of the season, in fact--and there was a great crowd, and I wasone; and havin' a heye for an oss, I was struck with this one, youunderstand, bein' as I thought, a 'ticklar nice 'un. Lord Bullfrog's manwas a ridin' of him, and he kept him outside the crowd, showin' off hispints, and passin' him backwards and forwards under people's noses, to'tract the notish of the nobs--parsecutin, what I call--and I see'd Mr.Sponge struck--I've known Mr. Sponge many years, and a 'ticklar nice genthe is--well, Mr. Sponge pulled hup, and said to the grum, "Who's o' thatoss?" "My Lor' Bullfrog's, sir," said the man. "He's a deuced nice 'un,"observed Mr. Sponge, thinkin', as he was a lord's, he might praise 'im,seein', in all probability, he weren't for sale. "He is _that_," said thegrum, patting him on the neck, as though he were special fond on him. "Ismy lord out?" asked Mr. Sponge. "No, sir; he's not come down yet," repliedthe man, "nor do I know when he will come. He's been down at Bath for sometime 'sociatin' with the aldermen o' Bristol and has thrown up a vast o'bad flesh--two stun' sin' last season--and he's afeared this oss won't beable to carry 'im, and so he writ to me to take 'im out to-day, to show'im." "He'd carry _me_, I think," said Mr. Sponge, making hup his mind onthe moment, jist as he makes hup his mind to ride at a fence--not that Ithink it's a good plan for a gent to show that he's sweet on an oss, forthey're sure to make him pay for it. Howsomever, that's nouther here northere. Well, jist as Mr. Sponge said this, Sir Richard driv' hup, andhavin' got his oss, away we trotted to the goss jist below, and the nextthing I see'd was Mr. Sponge leadin' the 'ole field on this werry nag.Well, I heard no more till I got to Melton, for I didn't go to my haunt'sat Mount Sorrel that night, and I saw little of the run, for my oss wasrather puffy, livin' principally on chaff, bran mashes, swedes, and softfood; and when I got to Melton, I heard 'ow Mr. Sponge had bought thisoss,' Mr. Buckram nodding his head at the horse as he spoke, 'and 'ow thathe'd given the matter o' two 'under'd--or I'm not sure it weren't two'under'd-and-fifty guineas for 'im, and--'

  'Well,' interrupted Mr. Waffles, tired of his verbosity, 'and what did theysay about the horse?'

  'Why,' continued Mr. Buckram, thoughtfully, propping his chin up with hisstick, and drawing all the half-crowns up to the top of his pocket again,'the fust 'spicious thing I heard was Sir Digby Snaffle's grum, Sam, sayin'to Captain Screwley's bat-man grum, jist afore the George Inn door,--

  '"Well, Jack, Tommy's sold the brown oss!"

  '"N--O--O--R!" exclaimed Jack, starin' 'is eyesout, as if it were unpossible.

  '"He '_as_ though," said Sam.

  '"Well, then, I 'ope the gemman's fond o' walkin'," exclaimed Jack, bustin'out a laughin' and runnin' on.

  'This rayther set me a thinkin',' continued Mr. Buckram, dropping a secondhalf-crown, which jinked against the nest-egg one left at the bottom, 'andfearin' that Mr. Sponge had fallen 'mong the Philistines--which I was werryconcerned about, for he's a real nice gent, but thoughtless, as many younggents are who 'ave plenty of tin--I made it my business to inquire 'boutthis oss; and if he _is_ the oss that I saw in Leicestersheer, and I 'avelittle doubt about it (dropping two consecutive half-crowns as he spoke),though I've not seen him out, I--'

  'Ah! well, I bought him of Mr. Sponge, who said he got him from LordBullfrog,' interrupted Mr. Waffles.

  'Ah! then he _is_ the oss, in course,' said Mr. Buckram, with a sort ofmournful chuck of the chin; 'he _is_ the oss,' repeated he; 'well, then,he's a dangerous hanimal,' added he, letting slip three half-crowns.

  'What does he do?' asked Mr. Waffles.

  'Do!' repeated Mr. Buckram, 'DO! he'll do for anybody.'

  'Indeed,' responded Mr. Waffles; adding, 'how could Mr. Sponge sell me sucha brute?'

  'I doesn't mean to say, mind ye,' observed Mr. Buckram, drawing back threehalf-crowns, as though he had gone that much too far,--'I doesn't mean tosay, mind, that he's wot you call a misteched, runaway,rear-backwards-over-hanimal--but I mean to say he's a difficultish oss toride--himpetuous--and one that, if he got the hupper 'and, would be werrylikely to try and keep the hupper 'and--you understand me?' said he, eyeingMr. Waffles intently, and dropping four half-crowns as he spoke.

  'I'm tellin' you nothin' but the truth,' observed Mr. Buckram, after apause, adding, 'in course it's nothin' to me, only bein' down here on avisit to a friend, and 'earin' that the oss were 'ere, I made bold to lookin to see whether it was 'im or no. No offence, I 'opes,' added he, lettinggo the rest of the silver, and taking the prop from under his chin, with anobeisance as if he was about to be off.

  'Oh, no offence at all,' rejoined Mr. Waffles, 'no offence--rather thecontrary. Indeed, I'm much obliged to you for telling me what you havedone. Just stop half a minute,' added he, thinking he might as well try andget something more out of him. While Mr. Waffles was considering his nextquestion, Mr. Buckram saved him the trouble of thinking by 'leading thegallop' himself.

  'I believe 'im to be a _good_ oss, and I believe 'im to be a _bad_ oss,'observed Mr. Buckram, sententiously. 'I believe that oss, with a bold rideron his back, and well away with the 'ounds, would beat most osses goin',but it's the start that's the difficulty with him; for if, on the other'and, he don't incline to go, all the spurrin', and quiltin', andleatherin' in the world won't make 'im. It'll be a mercy o' Providence ifhe don't cut out work for the crowner some day.'

  'Hang the brute!' exclaimed Mr. Waffles, in disgust; 'I've a good mind tohave his throat cut.'

  'Nay,' replied Mr. Buckram, brightening up, and stirring the silver roundand round in his pocket like a whirlpool, 'nay,' replied he, 'he's fit forsummat better nor that.'

  'Not much, I think,' replied Mr. Waffles, pouting with disgust. He nowstood silent for a few seconds.

&n
bsp; 'Well, but what did they mean by hoping Mr. Sponge was fond of walking?' atlength asked he.

  'Oh, vy,' replied Mr. Buckram, gathering all the money up again, 'I believeit was this 'ere,' beginning to drop them to half-minute time, and talkingvery slowly; 'the oss, I believe, got the better of Lord Bullfrog one day,somewhere a little on this side of Thrussinton--that, you know, is whereSir 'Arry built his kennels--between Mount Sorrel and Melton in fact--andhavin' got his Lordship off, who, I should tell you, is an uncommon fat'un, he wouldn't let him on again, and he 'ad to lead him the matter of Idon't know 'ow many miles'; Mr. Buckram letting go the whole balance ofsilver in a rush, as if to denote that it was no joke.

  'The brute!' observed Mr. Waffles, in disgust, adding, 'Well, as you seemto have a pretty good opinion of him, suppose you buy him; I'll let youhave him cheap.'

  ''Ord bless you--my lord--that's to say, sir!' exclaimed Buckram, shruggingup his shoulders, and raising his eyebrows as high as they would go, 'he'dbe of no use to me, none votsomever--shouldn't know what to do withhim--never do for 'arness--besides, I 'ave a werry good machiner as itis--at least, he sarves my turn, and that's everything, you know. No, sir,no,' continued he, slowly and thoughtfully, dropping the silver tohalf-minute time; 'no, sir, no; if I might make free with a gen'leman o'your helegance,' continued he, after a pause,' I'd say, sell 'im to apost-master or a buss-master, or some sich cattle as those, but I doesn'tthink I'd put 'im into the 'ands of no gen'leman, that's to say if I were_you_, at least,' added he.

  'Well, then, will you speculate on him yourself for the buss-masters?'asked Mr. Waffles, tired alike of the colloquy and the quadruped.

  PORTRAIT OF LORD BULLFROG, FORMERLY OWNER OF 'HERCULES']

  'Oh, vy, as to that,' replied Mr. Buckram, with an air of the most perfectindifference, 'vy, as to that--not bein' nouther a post-master nor abuss-master--but 'aving, as I said before, a little hindependence o' myown, vy, I couldn't in course give such a bountiful price as if I couldturn 'im to account at once; but if it would be any 'commodation to you,'added he, working the silver up into full cry, 'I wouldn't mind givin' youthe with (worth) of 'im--say, deductin' expenses hup to town, and standin'at livery afore I finds a customer--expenses hup to town,' continued Mr.Buckram, muttering to himself in apparent calculation, 'standin' atlivery--three-and-sixpence a night, grum, and so on--I wouldn't mind,'continued he briskly, 'givin' of you twenty pund for 'im--if you'd throw meback a sov.,' continued he, seeing Mr. Waffles' brow didn't contract intothe frown he expected at having such a sum offered for histhree-hundred-guinea horse.

  In the course of an hour, that wonderful invention of modern times,--theElectric Telegraph--conveyed the satisfactory words 'All right' to ourfriend Mr. Sponge, just as he was sitting down to dinner in a certainsumptuously sanded coffee-room in Conduit Street, who forthwith sealed andposted the following ready-written letter:

  'BANTAM HOTEL, BOND STREET.

  'SIR,

  'I have been greatly surprised and hurt to hear that you have thought fitto impeach my integrity, and insinuate that I had taken you in with thebrown horse. Such insinuations touch one in a tender point--one'sself-respect. The bargain, I may remind you, was of your own seeking, and Itold you at the time I knew nothing of the horse, having only ridden himonce, and I also told you where I got him. To show how unjust and unworthyyour insinuations have been, I have now to inform you that, havingascertained that Lord Bullfrog knew he was vicious, I insisted on hislordship taking him back, and have only to add that, on my receiving himfrom you, I will return you your bill.'

  'I am, Sir, your obedient servant,

  'H. SPONGE.

  'To W. WAFFLES, Esq., 'Imperial Hotel, Laverick Wells.'

  Mr. Waffles was a good deal vexed and puzzled when he got this letter. Hehad parted with the horse, who was gone no one knew where, and Mr. Wafflesfelt that he had used a certain freedom of speech in speaking of thetransaction. Mr. Sponge having left Laverick Wells, had, perhaps, led him alittle astray with his tongue--slandering an absent man being generallythought a pretty safe game; it now seemed Mr. Waffles was all wrong, andmight have had his money back if he had not been in such a hurry to partwith the horse. Like a good many people, he thought he had best eat up hiswords, which he did in the following manner:

  'IMPERIAL HOTEL, LAVERICK WELLS.

  'DEAR MR. SPONGE,

  'You are quite mistaken in supposing that I ever insinuated anythingagainst _you_ with regard to the horse. I said _he_ was a beast, and itseems Lord Bullfrog admits it. However, never mind anything more about him,though I am equally obliged to you for the trouble you have taken. The factis, I have parted with him.

  'We are having capital sport; never go out but we kill, sometimes a brace,sometimes a leash of foxes. Hoping you are recovered from the effects ofyour ride through the window, and will soon rejoin us, believe me, dear Mr.Sponge,'

  'Yours very sincerely,

  'W. WAFFLES.'

  To which Mr. Sponge shortly after rejoined as follows:

  'BANTAM HOTEL, BOND STREET.

  'DEAR WAFFLES,

  'Yours to hand--I am glad to receive a disclaimer of any unworthyimputations respecting the brown horse. Such insinuations are only forhorse-dealers, not for men of high gentlemanly feeling.

  'I am sorry to say we have not got out of the horse as I hoped. LordBullfrog, who is a most cantankerous fellow, insists upon having him back,according to the terms of my letter; I must therefore trouble you to hunthim up, and let us accommodate his lordship with him again. If you will saywhere he is, I may very likely know some one who can assist us in gettinghim. You will excuse this trouble, I hope, considering that it was to serveyou that I moved in the matter, and insisted on returning him to hislordship, at a loss of L50 to myself, having only given L250 for him.'

  'I remain, dear Waffles,

  'Yours sincerely,

  'H. SPONGE.'

  'To W. WAFFLES, Esq., 'Imperial Hotel, Laverick Wells.'

  'LAVERICK WELLS.

  'DEAR SPONGE,

  'I'm afraid Bullfrog will have to make himself happy without his horse, forI hav'n't the slightest idea where he is. I sold him to a cockneyfied,countryfied sort of a man, who said he had a small "hindependence of hisown"--somewhere, I believe, about London. He didn't give much for him, asyou may suppose, when I tell you he paid for him chiefly in silver. If Iwere you, I wouldn't trouble myself about him.'

  'Yours very truly,

  'W. WAFFLES.

  'To H. SPONGE, Esq.'

  Our hero addressed Mr. Waffles again, in the course of a few days, asfollows:

  'DEAR WAFFLES,

  'I am sorry to say Bullfrog won't be put off without the horse. He says Iinsisted on his taking him back, and now he insists on having him. I havehad his lawyer, Mr. Chousam, of the great firm of Chousam, Doem, and Co.,of Throgmorton Street, at me, who says his lordship will play oldgooseberry with us if we don't return him by Saturday. Pray put on allsteam, and look him up.'

  'Yours in haste,

  'H. SPONGE.

  'To W. WAFFLES, Esq.'

  Mr. Waffles did put on all steam, and so successfully that he ran thehorse to ground at our friend Mr. Buckram's. Though the horse was in thebox adjoining the house, Mr. Buckram declared he had sold him to go to'Hireland'; to what county he really couldn't say, nor to what hunt; all heknew was, the gentleman said he was a 'captin,' and lived in a castle.

  Mr. Waffles communicated the intelligence to Sponge, requesting him to dothe best he could for him, who reported what his 'best' was in thefollowing letter:

  'DEAR WAFFLES,

  'My lawyer has seen Chousam, and deuced stiff he says he was. It seemsBullfrog is indignant at being accused of a "do"; and having got me in thewrong box, by not being able to return the horse as claimed, he meant towork me. At first Chousam would hear of nothing but "l--a--w." Bullfrog'swounded honour could only be salved that way. Grad
ually, however, wediverged from l--a--w to L--s.--d.; and the upshot of it is, that he willadvise his lordship to take L250 and be done with it. It's a bore; but Idid it for the best, and shall be glad now to know your wishes on thesubject. Meanwhile, I remain,'

  'Yours very truly,

  'H. SPONGE.

  'To W. WAFFLES, Esq.'

  Formerly a remittance by post used to speak for itself. The tender-fingeredclerks could detect an enclosure, however skilfully folded. Few peoplegrudged double postage in those days. Now one letter is so much likeanother, that nothing short of opening them makes one any wiser. Mr. Spongereceived Mr. Waffles' answer from the hands of the waiter with the sort offeeling that it was only the continuation of their correspondence. Judge,then, of his delight, when a nice, clean, crisp promissory note, on afive-shilling stamp, fell quivering to the floor. A few lines, expressiveof Mr. Waffles' gratitude for the trouble our hero had taken, and hopesthat it would not be inconvenient to take a note at two months,accompanied it. At first Mr. Sponge was overjoyed. It would set him up forthe season. He thought how he'd spend it. He had half a mind to go toMelton. There were no heiresses there, or else he would. Leamington woulddo, only it was rather expensive. Then he thought he might as well havedone Waffles a little more.

  'Confound it!' exclaimed Sponge, 'I don't do myself justice! I'm too muchof a gentleman! I should have had five 'under'd--such an ass as Wafflesdeserves to be done!'