Mr. Sponge's Sporting Tour

by Robert Smith Surtees

  CHAPTER XIII

  A NEW SCHEME

  Our friend Soapey was now in good feather; he had got a large price for hisgood-for-nothing horse, with a very handsome bonus for not getting himback, making him better off than he had been for some time. Gentlemen ofhis calibre are generally extremely affluent in everything except cash.They have bills without end--bills that nobody will touch, and book debtsin abundance--book debts entered with metallic pencils in curious littleclasped pocket-books, with such utter disregard of method that it wouldpuzzle an accountant to comb them into anything like shape.

  It is true, what Mr. Sponge got from Mr. Waffles were bills--but they weregood bills, and of such reasonable date as the most exacting of the Jewtribe would 'do' for twenty per cent. Mr. Sponge determined to keep thegame alive, and getting Hercules and Multum in Parvo together again, headded a showy piebald hack, that Buckram had just got from some circuspeople who had not been able to train him to their work.

  The question now was, where to manoeuvre this imposing stud--a problemthat Mr. Sponge quickly solved.

  Among the many strangers who rushed into indiscriminate friendship with ourhero at Laverick Wells, was Mr. Jawleyford, of Jawleyford Court, in----shire. Jawleyford was a great humbug. He was a fine, off-hand,open-hearted, cheery sort of fellow, who was always delighted to see you,would start at the view, and stand with open arms in the middle of thestreet, as though quite overjoyed at the meeting. Though he never gavedinners, nor anything where he was, he asked everybody, at least everybodywho did give them, to visit him at Jawleyford Court. If a man was fond offishing, he must come to Jawleyford Court, he must, indeed; he would takeno refusal, he wouldn't leave him alone till he promised. He would show himsuch fishing--no waters in the world to compare with his. The Shannon andthe Tweed were not to be spoken of in the same day as his waters in theSwiftley.

  Shooting, the same way. 'By Jove! are you a shooter? Well, I'm delighted tohear it. Well, now, we shall be at home all September, and up to the middleof October, and you must just come to us at your own time, and I will giveyou some of the finest partridge and pheasant shooting you ever saw in yourlife; Norfolk can show nothing to what I can. Now, my good fellow, say theword; _do_ say you'll come, and then it will be a settled thing, and Ishall look forward to it with such pleasure!'

  He was equally magnanimous about hunting, though, like a good many peoplewho have 'had their hunts,' he pretended that his day was over, though hewas a most zealous promoter of the sport. So he asked everybody who didhunt to come and see him; and what with his hearty, affable manner, and theunlimited nature of his invitations, he generally passed for a deucedhospitable, good sort of fellow, and came in for no end of dinners andother entertainments for his wife and daughters, of which he hadtwo--daughters, we mean, not wives. His time was about up at Laverick Wellswhen Mr. Sponge arrived there; nevertheless, during the few days thatremained to them, Mr. Jawleyford contrived to scrape a pretty intimateacquaintance with a gentleman whose wealth was reported to equal, if it didnot exceed, that of Mr. Waffles himself. The following was the closingscene between them:

  Jawleyford of Jawleyford Court]

  'Mr. Sponge,' said he, getting our hero by both hands in Culeyford'sBilliard Room, and shaking them as though he could not bear the idea ofseparation; 'my dear Mr. Sponge,' added he, 'I grieve to say we're goingto-morrow; I had hoped to have stayed a little longer, and to have enjoyedthe pleasure of your most agreeable society.' (This was true; he would havestayed, only his banker wouldn't let him have any more money.) 'But,however, I won't say adieu,' continued he; 'no, I _won't_ say adieu! Ilive, as you perhaps know, in one of the best hunting countries inEngland--my Lord Scamperdale's--Scamperdale and I are like brothers; I cando whatever I like with him--he has, I may say, the finest pack of houndsin the world; his huntsman. Jack Frostyface, I really believe, cannot besurpassed. Come, then, my dear fellow,' continued Mr. Jawleyford,increasing the grasp and shake of the hands, and looking most earnestly inSponge's face, as if deprecating a refusal; 'come, then, my dear fellow,and see us; we will do whatever we can to entertain and make youcomfortable. Scamperdale shall keep our side of the country till you come;there are capital stables at Lucksford, close to the station, and you shallhave a stall for your hack at Jawleyford, and a man to look after him, ifyou like; so now, don't say nay--your time shall be ours--we shall be athome all the rest of the winter, and I flatter myself, if you once comedown, you will be inclined to repeat your visit; at least, I hope so.'

  There are two common sayings; one, 'that birds of a feather flocktogether'; the other, 'that two of a trade never agree'; which often seemto us to contradict each other in the actual intercourse of life. Humbugscertainly have the knack of drawing together, and yet they are alwaysexcellent friends, and will vouch for the goodness of each other in a waythat few straight-forward men think it worth their while to adopt withregard to indifferent people. Indeed, humbugs are not always content todefend their absent brother humbugs when they hear them abused, but theywill frequently lug each other in neck and crop, apparently for no otherpurpose than that of proclaiming what excellent fellows they are, and seeif anybody will take up the cudgels against them.

  Mr. Sponge, albeit with a considerable cross of the humbug himself, and onewho perfectly understood the usual worthlessness of general invitations,was yet so taken with Mr. Jawleyford's hail-fellow-well-met, earnest sortof manner, that, adopting the convenient and familiar solution in suchmatters, that there is no rule without an exception, concluded that Mr.Jawleyford was the exception, and really meant what he said.

  Independently of the attractions offered by hunting, which were both strongand cogent, we have said there were two young ladies, to whom fame attachedthe enormous fortunes common in cases where there is a large property andno sons. Still Sponge was a wary bird, and his experience of theworthlessness of most general invitations made him think it just possiblethat it might not suit Mr. Jawleyford to receive him now, at the particulartime he wanted to go; so after duly considering the case, and also theimpressive nature of the invitation, so recently given, too, he determinednot to give Jawleyford the chance of refusing him, but just to say he wascoming, and drop down upon him before he could say 'no.' Accordingly, hepenned the following epistle:

  'BANTAM HOTEL, BOND-STREET, LONDON.

  'DEAR JAWLEYFORD,

  'I purpose being with you to-morrow, by the express train, which I see, byBradshaw, arrives at Lucksford a quarter to three. I shall only bring twohunters and a hack, so perhaps you could oblige me by taking them in forthe short time I shall stay, as it would not be convenient for me toseparate them. Hoping to find Mrs. Jawleyford and the young ladies well, Iremain, dear sir,'

  'Yours very truly,

  'H. SPONGE.

  'To--JAWLEYFORD, Esq., Jawleyford Court, Lucksford.'

  'Curse the fellow!' exclaimed Jawleyford, nearly choking himself with afish bone, as he opened and read the foregoing at breakfast. 'Curse thefellow!' he repeated, stamping the letter under foot, as though he wouldcrush it to atoms. 'Who ever saw such a piece of impudence as that!'

  'What's the matter, my dear?' inquired Mrs. Jawleyford, alarmed lest it washer dunning jeweller writing again.

  'Matter!' shrieked Jawleyford, in a tone that sounded through the thickwall of the room, and caused the hobbling old gardener on the terrace topeep in at the heavy-mullioned window. 'Matter!' repeated he, as though hehad got his _coup de grace_; 'look there,' added he, handing over theletter.

  'Oh, my dear,' rejoined Mrs. Jawleyford soothingly, as soon as she saw itwas not what she expected. 'Oh, my dear, I'm sure there's nothing to makeyou put yourself so much out of the way.' 'No!' roared Jawleyford,determined not to be done out of his grievance. 'No!' repeated he; 'do youcall that nothing?'

  'Why, nothing to make yourself unhappy about,' replied Mrs. Jawleyford,rather pleased than otherwise; for she was glad it was not from Rings, thejeweller, and, moreover, hated the monotony of Jawleyford Court
, and wasglad of anything to relieve it. If she had had her own way, she would havegadded about at watering-places all the year round.

  'Well,' said Jawleyford, with a toss of the head and a shrug ofresignation, 'you'll have me in gaol; I see that.'

  'Nay, my dear J.,' rejoined his wife, soothingly; 'I'm sure you've plentyof money.'

  'Have I!' ejaculated Jawleyford. 'Do you suppose, if I had, I'd have leftLaverick Wells without paying Miss Bustlebey, or given a bill at threemonths for the house-rent?'

  'Well, but, my dear, you've nothing to do but tell Mr. Screwemtight to getyou some money from the tenants.'

  'Money from the tenants!' replied Mr. Jawleyford. 'Screwemtight tells me hecan't get another farthing from any man on the estate.'

  'Oh, pooh!' said Mrs. Jawleyford; 'you're far too good to them. I alwayssay Screwemtight looks far more to their interest than he does to yours.'

  Jawleyford, we may observe, was one of the rather numerous race ofpaper-booted, pen-and-ink landowners. He always dressed in the country ashe would in St. James's Street, and his communications with his tenantrywere chiefly confined to dining with them twice a year in the greatentrance-hall, after Mr. Screwemtight had eased them of their cash in thesteward's room. Then Mr. Jawleyford would shine forth the veryimpersonification of what a landlord ought to be. Dressed in the height ofthe fashion, as if by his clothes to give the lie to his words, he wouldexpatiate on the delights of such meetings of equality; declare that, nextto those spent with his family, the only really happy moments of his lifewere those when he was surrounded by his tenantry; he doated on the manlycharacter of the English farmer. Then he would advert to the greatantiquity of the Jawleyford family, many generations of whom looked downupon them from the walls of the old hall; some on their war-steeds, somearmed _cap-a-pie_, some in court-dresses, some in Spanish ones, one in awhite dress with gold brocade breeches and a hat with an enormous plume,old Jawleyford (father of the present one) in the Windsor uniform, and ourfriend himself, the very prototype of what then stood before them. Indeed,he had been painted in the act of addressing his hereditary chawbacons inthe hall in which the picture was suspended. There he stood, with hisbright auburn hair (now rather badger-pied, perhaps, but still verypassable by candlelight)--his bright auburn hair, we say, swept boldly offhis lofty forehead, his hazy grey eyes flashing with the excitement ofdrink and animation, his left hand reposing on the hip of his well-fittingblack pantaloons, while the right one, radiant with rings, and trimmed withupturned wristband, sawed the air, as he rounded off the periods of thewell-accustomed saws.

  Jawleyford, like a good many people, was very hospitable when in fullfig--two soups, two fishes, and the necessary concomitants; but he wouldsee any one far enough before he would give him a dinner merely because hewanted one. That sort of ostentatious banqueting has about brought countrysociety in general to a deadlock. People tire of the constant revision ofplate, linen, and china.

  Mrs. Jawleyford, on the other hand, was a very rough-and-ready sort ofwoman, never put out of her way; and though she constantly preached the olddoctrine that girls 'are much better single than married,' she was alwayson the look-out for opportunities of contradicting her assertions.

  She was an Irish lady, with a pedigree almost as long as Jawleyford's, butmore compressible pride, and if she couldn't get a duke, she would take amarquis or an earl, or even put up with a rich commoner.

  The perusal, therefore, of Sponge's letter, operated differently upon herto what it did upon her husband, and though she would have liked a littlemore time, perhaps, she did not care to take him as they were. Jawleyford,however, resisted violently. It would be most particularly inconvenient tohim to receive company at that time. If Mr. Sponge had gone through thewhole three hundred and sixty-five days in the year, he could not have hitupon a more inconvenient one for him. Besides, he had no idea of peoplewriting in that sort of a way, saying they were coming, without giving himthe chance of saying no. 'Well, but, my dear, I dare say you asked him,'observed Mrs. Jawleyford.

  Jawleyford was silent, the scene in the billiard-room recurring to hismind.

  'I've often told you, my dear,' continued Mrs. Jawleyford, kindly, 'thatyou shouldn't be so free with your invitations if you don't want people tocome; things are very different now to what they were in the old coachingand posting days, when it took a day and a night and half the next day toget here, and I don't know how much money besides. You might then invitepeople with safety, but it is very different now, when they have nothing todo but put themselves into the express train and whisk down in a fewhours.'

  'Well, but, confound him, I didn't ask his horses,' exclaimed Jawleyford;'nor will I have them either,' continued he, with a jerk of the head, as hegot up and rang the bell, as though determined to put a stop to that at allevents.

  'Samuel,' said he, to the dirty page of a boy who answered the summons,'tell John Watson to go down to the Railway Tavern directly, and desirethem to get a three-stalled stable ready for a gentleman's horses that arecoming to-day--a gentleman of the name of Sponge,' added he, lest any oneelse should chance to come and usurp them--'and tell John to meet theexpress train, and tell the gentleman's groom where it is.'