Small Talk

by Diane Weston

  Maybe you want to be seen as an interesting person at a party, but you have a slouched posture, poor eye contact, a bored expression, and speak in a monotone voice. It is highly unlikely that anyone will find you interesting.

  Non-verbal communication is more important than the words you say, so let’s look at what your body is conveying. We will be looking specifically at facial expression, the tone of voice, posture, and gestures.

  Facial expression

  The expression on your face — in conjunction with your tone of voice — says more than the words that are coming out of your mouth. Of course, this is important in any exchange we have with another person, but it is particularly crucial in small talk situations because we are not talking about anything of consequence and so those non-verbal cues tend to convey more than our words. Sometimes someone may not be paying much attention at all to the words you are saying but is either enthralled or completely turned off by the way you are saying them.

  Beneficial expressions that you might consider using would be the following: smiling, an open, interested look, a neutral yet friendly face, or twinkling eyes - this is where you smile with your eyes but don't really move your mouth into a smiling shape. Counter-productive expressions would include the following: a frown, a bored face, a scared expression, a nervous, agitated look in your eyes, or other expressions that convey negative emotions.

  Tone of voice

  The tone of voice is one of the most obvious ways we convey a meaning that’s deeper than the words. And this will come through even if you are on the phone and can’t see the person you are speaking to. Our tone can show how we are feeling and what we really think, even if our words say otherwise.

  This is the reason why, when you ask how your friend is and they say that they’re okay, you ask them if they’re sure. Because the tone of voice they used when they said that they were okay was a clear signal to you that things were not okay at all.

  We do this all the time. A family member tells us about their new job and we know that something is wrong, even though the words imply that everything is fine. And this works for good things too. Sometimes a friend only has to say hello and you may ask what they’re so happy about.

  Knowing this, you can take it into your small talk conversations as well. Some strangers that you talk to will be upset about something. If you notice that this is the case, you can ask them if they're okay, if they need help, or if anything is wrong. Most people won't overshare so if they don't want to talk about it because it's too personal, then they won't. But if it's a small upset, then they may tell you about it and that will get the conversation going as well as any other conversation starters.

  Posture and gestures

  Posture shows a lot about what you are feeling. A slumped posture tends to convey sadness, discontent, and giving up. An upright, alert posture might show happiness. If you have a lot of tension in your posture it might mean that you’re angry if your chest is shoved forward, or fearful if your torso is caving in on itself.

  And there are much more subtle aspects to posture that we pick up on without knowing. Depending on the situation you’re going into, you will want to choose a posture that makes sense. In a small talk situation, you are likely to want to come across as open and friendly, and so making sure you are standing up straight and lifting your head will convey that to the person that you’re talking to.

  Gestures and the movements we make when we speak can affect our message in different ways. Psychologists Wallace Friesen and Paul Ekman found six ways that non-verbal communication directly affects our speech.

  We can use non-verbal signals to emphasize, to repeat, as a substitute for words, to regulate speech, and sometimes even to contradict what we are saying. Let’s look at this in more detail.

  When we use non-verbal cues to emphasize what we are saying, we might slam a fist down on the table or clap our hands or nod our head decisively. If we want to use gestures to repeat, that is when we will say no and then shake our heads. Using gestures as a substitute for words occurs when we actually don't say anything, such as nodding instead of saying yes.

  When we use non-verbal cues to regulate speech, that means we pick up on the fact that the other person wants a turn to talk. For instance, when we finish up what we are saying and our conversational partner opens their eyes wider and takes a breath to speak, that is an indication that they want to talk. If we are paying attention, then we don't jump in with another comment of our own; instead, we allow them to tell us something. Most people do this unconsciously and we don’t even realize what we’re doing because these are the sorts of social skills that you pick up on as a child when learning to speak.

  Sometimes the non-verbal message can contradict what the words are saying. An example of this is in a movie where someone has been kidnapped, the kidnap victim might have to say and look like everything is fine when she is talking to someone who is worried about her, but many non-verbal cues would be conveying that she’s not fine.

  Another example from the film of this contradiction would be when two men are speaking to each other and the conversation appears to be about something mundane, but there is a subtext in which one man is warning the other to watch out.

  And lastly, the non-verbal cues often complement what we are saying. If we are feeling sad, we naturally slump so that others more easily pick up on the fact that we are unhappy.

  How to Use Body Language when Making Small Talk

  One of the best ways to make sure your body language is aligned with your verbal language is to set a clear intention before you enter whatever social situation you’re going into. For instance, before you go into the meeting, the interview, the party, the lunchroom, take five seconds and create an intention for what you want to communicate. For the meeting, it could be power. For the interview, confidence. Maybe when you’re going into a party or the lunch room, you’d like to convey friendliness or kindness or openness. Taking a few seconds to think about this will delegate it to your unconscious mind and allow that intention to shine through the words your speaking and into your non-verbal language.

  SOFTEN for positive non-verbal behaviours

  To remember positive body language there is an acronym: SOFTEN. The SOFTEN technique reminds you of what positive non-verbal behaviors to use during a conversation. It stands for smile, open posture, forward lean, touch by shaking hands, eye contact, and nod. Using these sorts of non-verbal behaviors will encourage others to approach you.

  Smile

  This is obvious, but you will be surprised what you will forget when you are feeling ill at ease. People display all sorts of strange behaviors when they are uncomfortable in their surroundings. You don’t want to make this mistake.

  When you smile you show that you are friendly and not a threat. You will make others feel comfortable and indicate that you are open to conversing.

  Open posture

  Sometimes we use defensive, protective, or closed off body language and we don’t even realize it. It happens when we are feeling uncomfortable and alone. Some of the most common postures are the following — your body on an angle, arms crossed, or hands in pockets. You don’t want to put your body on an angle, which is a classic defensive position in martial arts. And you don’t want to cross your arms over your chest, because this indicates you are protecting yourself. Hands in the pockets indicate that you’re closed off, holding yourself close, and not interested in interacting.

  Instead of these, you want to use an open posture, facing someone head-on with your arms at your sides. You’ll also want to relax your jaw, neck, and shoulders. Even if you think you’re looking chilled out, just do a quick body check and see if you’re holding on to tension and if you are, let it go. Also, where are your arms? What direction are you facing? We are often so unconscious of our own body that we don’t notice that we’re going into defensive and closed off postures without even realizing it.

  So, make sure you do a quick check every little while
during a social situation. You just want to make sure you’re still keeping an open and relaxed posture so that you’re not turning away conversational partners before you even get a chance to open your mouth.

  Forward Lean

  When you’re listening and speaking, a slight forward lean towards someone shows that you are paying attention to them. Be careful not to be weird with this one. It’s easy to overdo it if you’re just doing it because someone told you to and not because you actually feel it.

  The reason these sets of rules exist is that someone watched what actual successful conversationalists were doing and made a list of their behaviors. If you just try to do what’s on the list, it’s going to come off as inauthentic. But if you’re really paying attention and interested in what they’re saying, then leaning in is a natural reaction and that’s what you’re aiming for.

  Touch by shaking hands

  A good firm handshake will show that you are strong and believe in yourself.

  Eye contact

  There are cultures where eye contact is avoided, but not in ours. If you want people to feel that you’re listening to them, or if you want to make an impression on the person you’re talking to, then maintaining proper eye contact is absolutely necessary.

  That doesn’t mean that you stare the person down. But keep a normal amount of eye contact while you speak with them. If you have difficulty either staring too much or you feel uncomfortable looking someone in the eyes for that long, you can try this tip.

  When you are looking someone in the face during a conversation, move your eyes briefly between their forehead, cheeks, nose, chin, eyes, and mouth. The eye movements when you do this are so minute that the other person will not notice that you are not looking them in the eye the entire time. But because you are moving your eyes around all the time, you won’t stare and you will not be looking them in the eyes the whole time and so you should feel more comfortable.

  Eye contact implies attention and this brings us back to the first rule of communicating. Pay attention. And you can show you’re paying attention by maintaining eye contact.

  Nod

  Nodding shows someone that you understand and are paying attention to what they're saying.

  Exhibiting positive body language is extremely important when going into social situations and SOFTEN can give you a quick check to make sure you are presenting yourself in the best light possible so that people will want to come and talk to you.

  Part 2

  Small Talk Apprentice

  I f you have not had much success making small talk in the past or you have done it but it has been a nerve-wracking experience for you, then preparing to make small talk will be necessary. You will need some mental practice. And if you have an understanding friend or family member, you may want to try out your efforts on them. Only practice with someone who is understanding because you don’t want your efforts undermined by someone who doesn’t get what you’re trying to do.

  Why is it important to have the proper mindset when going into a social situation? Well, it has to do with your inner state. If you are negative and upset, those sorts of feelings communicate themselves to the other person through your body language, facial expression, tone of voice, etc. If you are feeling good and confident, that is also conveyed through your behavior and words. So, it is very important to work on your inner state before going into any social situation. This sort of inner work may make the difference between you making successful small talk or having a terrible time where, in conversation after conversation, you crash and burn. Before you read this book, you may have blamed your failure on the other people, the host, the mood at the gathering, or the weather. But now you will know that nearly every negative thing that happened was because of the choices that you made.

  Are you starting to see how having a good mindset is crucial to being successful at small talk?

  Create a Positive Mindset

  Mindset is a huge area of personal improvement and entire books have been written on the subject. Mindset is basically the framework that all your thoughts take place in. For instance, if you have a growth mindset then when you run into an obstacle or difficulty, you are more likely to believe you can overcome it, to try different solutions, to persevere when things are hard.

  Whereas if you have a mindset that says… I can’t do anything… then you will be much more likely to give up when a challenge arises. You are more likely to believe that there isn’t a solution to the problem. And that it’s impossible for me to do things like that. Now, none of that is true, but your mind makes it true. Just like it will make your positive mindset true as well. In this book, we will just get into the aspects of mindset that can positively or negatively affect your ability to make small talk.

  First of all, why is a mindset so powerful? Mindset is what tends to give your unconscious mind direction. So, if you have a negative mindset, then all the power of your unconscious mind is being directed to creating negative situations, whereas if you can maintain a positive mindset then your unconscious mind will be helping to create positive things in your life.

  Mindset is a bit like the architectural plans for a house. When the carpenters begin, they review the plans. But when they are actually in the middle of building the house, they are focused on the one part, say the kitchen cabinets, that they are making right then. But in the background, they have a bigger picture of how the entire house needs to look when it’s done and that is there in the background as they work on the smaller details.

  Similarly, you need to have a blueprint for how you want your social interactions to go and that is your mindset. When you consider your overall mindset, then when you’re in the midst of a specific conversation, of course, you’re paying attention to what’s happening at that moment, but in the background, you have that global idea of how you want your social interactions to go in general.

  Having a positive mindset will affect both the words that you speak as well as your non-verbal language, in order to bring about the kind of positive social experience that you want. It will make you more willing to try new things that you’ve never done before. And it will help you persevere when your plans don’t go the way you hoped they would. Now let’s have a look at aspects of your mindset that will affect your ability to make small talk.

  Trust in your own value

  This is actually a hard one for many people. Although we often say that we value ourselves, when we get into social situations, the truth comes out. We behave in ways that show others that we don’t value ourselves and then, in turn, they find it difficult to value us — even if they want to.

  So, to begin with, you must believe that you have something interesting to say. What if you don’t? Well, that is beyond the scope of this book and there have been many books written on developing self-esteem and belief in yourself that you can read.

  But for now, here is an exercise that might help. Sit by yourself and ask yourself the following question. What is wrong at this moment? Not two days ago when you burned the soup, or in five minutes when you’re going to forget to put on the washing. But right now. If you’re being truthful, there’s probably nothing wrong at this moment. Your mind likes to tell yourself that you suck. But that’s just your mind being negative.

  Sure, we all make mistakes. But that doesn’t mean that we ourselves are wrong . When you bring it down to this very moment that you’re in right now, you’ll probably find that there’s nothing much wrong right now, which could help you to see there’s nothing wrong with you right now either.

  Whatever you do to accomplish this, the second big key to being successful at mastering small talk — after giving true attention to the other person — is to actually feel that you have value to add to the world. Think specifically about a strength, or something you really enjoy doing and are probably good at. Or maybe you can remember times in your life when you felt confident and happy - like a fun trip you took. These are all things that you can likely talk about and will be intere
sting to people who don't know you. You can have particular topics or stories in mind that might be fun to discuss, so if your mind goes blank about what to say in a social situation, you can call up these ideas and have something ready-made to talk about.

  Be kind to yourself

  Being kind to yourself is very closely linked to feeling your own value. You need to shut down your mind when it starts being cruel and telling you that you are terrible in social situations, that you should just give up, and that no one is ever going to want to talk to such a loser. Your mind can be more unkind to you than your enemy ever would. So, it's important to have the right attitude towards yourself if things go wrong during a small talk conversation. If you've said something stupid or inappropriate, there's no point in getting angry with yourself. Instead, try to look at the funny side of what happened. Probably the person you were talking to didn't even notice. We are all more preoccupied with ourselves and whether we are saying the right thing to take much interest in mistakes other people are making. Staying positive is important so that you don't start getting mad at yourself, which can create a downward spiral. And you don't want that. Things will not be perfect all the time. Sometimes people say silly things. It happens. Get over it, shake it off, and move on.