Small Talk

by Diane Weston

  Stop fearing being judged

  This one is difficult because the terrible thing is that other people do judge you. It’s the way people are. The mean part of the mind that is cruel to yourself also likes to make itself feel better by being judgemental towards others.

  So, it’s not a matter of never doing anything that others could judge you about. That’s impossible. Even if you lay in your bed and never moved or spoke, people would find something to judge you about. “Why doesn’t that person get up and do something?”

  There is absolutely no way to prevent other people from judging you. The trick is not to worry about the fact that they’re judging you.

  Now, again, this is difficult because most of us have been raised to worry about what other people think. Comb your hair, you look like a hobo. Stand up straight, only losers slouch. We have a lot of parent’s, teacher’s, and other people’s voices in our heads telling us to definitely worry about what other people think.

  The good news is that this is simply a habitual thinking pattern that you have got into and that you can get out of. People tend to have similar fears and doubts; everyone is worried about being judged by others. Remembering this can make you feel better about approaching someone to talk to them because you know that they are probably as nervous as you are. If it seems clear that they are nervous too, you can even make that a shared experience to start the conversation.

  Another way to avoid the fear of being judged is to genuinely care about the other person you’re speaking to. If you are focused on them and on making them feel comfortable and being kind to them and interested in them, then it is easier to ignore your mind telling you that everyone is looking at you and judging you.

  Feel you are part of the group already

  This is a visualization technique that you can use before you go into a situation. Take a few seconds and see yourself as part of the group, see yourself smiling and talking easily. This will prime your mindset with positivity and give you a powerful expectation for the good that is going to come out of the upcoming encounter.

  Whatever your mind believes, it tends to make come true. So, giving it a positive image to work from will make it more likely that you will have a positive outcome from whatever situation you find yourself in.

  You can visualize for a couple of minutes in the morning before you get out of bed, or you can even just stop for a few seconds before going through the door into the office where you’re about to have a meeting with your boss. It doesn’t have to take long, just use the power of your mind for good, instead of letting negative imaginings dictate the end result of your interactions.

  By creating a positive mindset, you will prepare yourself for having a good conversation, a good day, and, in the end, a good life.

  General Rules for Small Talk

  It goes without saying that these rules are good guidelines for conversation and… well, life. So, bringing them into your life in a much more holistic way than just your small talk practice is a good idea.

  Listen

  There is nothing people want more than to be listened to. Every person wants to be seen, recognized, and listened to. So, listening, as half of the small talk equation, is one of the best gifts you can give to the person you are talking to.

  But listening does not just mean being quiet while the other person speaks. Sometimes people think that’s all that listening is. And in the meantime, while they wait for the other person to finish talking, they are thinking about what they’re going to say. Or even worse, sometimes they’re thinking about something else entirely.

  True listening, though, is something entirely different. You need to be quiet inside, really paying attention to the other person. Listen to the words, but also pay attention to the other cues you are getting that pertain to the message that the person is actually trying to convey.

  This kind of listening requires you to be quiet and still inside, instead of thinking about what you want to say. You look into the person’s eyes. You hear the words. You observe the other cues you’re getting.

  Then when it’s your turn to speak, you have absorbed the message that the person wanted to give you. And you can respond in a way that shows that you have been listening and paying attention. You can make an insightful comment. You can ask a good question. You can respond with a story of your own that shows that you were listening to the other person and that you understand.

  If you start listening in this way, you may notice that your conversational partners are not practicing true listening. But there’s no need to be offended. Not everyone can listen in such a deep way. You, as a small talk master, will be able to practice this kind of listening.

  Be curious

  This is sort of an obvious one but most people don’t practice this conversational rule. It seems as though we are so caught up in our own stories that we forget that everyone else has a story too. And maybe there are some people who truly are not interesting in the least. But if you really listen and pay attention to another person, you will likely find something interesting about them.

  The reason we often don’t find others interesting is that we are so enamored with our own story that we simply don’t care about anyone else’s. Or, we are glossing over the person and not really seeing them at all and that makes them seem boring to our minds.

  If you listen and pay attention truly, you will find that people are far more fascinating than you ever gave them credit for. Everyone has a story. And if you start to learn about someone else’s story, you will begin to discover untold secrets and treasures that you never knew were there.

  Try looking at each person that you make small talk with as a treasure chest just waiting to be opened and the jewels within revealed. Imagine how curious you would be if you had found a treasure chest and were about to open it. You can bring that same level of curiosity to every person you meet.

  Provide information about yourself

  Clearly, when you speak to someone you will likely tell them something about yourself or your life. Or maybe you’re the sort of person who doesn’t say anything about themselves when they talk to someone they don’t know well. This could be the reason that you haven’t been very good at small talk in the past.

  As mentioned above, it is good to listen with your whole attention focused on what the other person is telling you. But then when they stop speaking, you may find that a thought comes to you that you want to share. And you share it. You may tell a story that relates to what they just said. You may comment on how you dealt with a similar situation that they just told you about. This is true conversation and will allow you to make a real connection with the person, no matter how brief your exchange.

  The difficulty lies in knowing how much about yourself you need to share. In general, a good rule of thumb is to let the other person say more about themselves than you say about yourself. The last thing you want to do is be that person that blabs on and on about themselves and never lets the other person get a word in edgewise.

  But neither do you want to be the person who seems cold and distant because they refuse to share even the smallest detail about themselves with the person they are talking with. You will not become a small talk master, nor will the other person feel heard, just because you are silent and let them do all the talking. It requires you to actively participate in the conversation and show that you have heard and understand what they have been telling you.

  It is necessary to strike a balance between listening to the other person and sharing small details about yourself or your life experience. Generally, you should err on the side of caution and let them do more talking than you do, while at the same time not letting the conversation lag.

  Be respectful

  This is pretty obvious but sometimes, when people are nervous, they’ll make jokes or comments that are maybe not respectful, simply because they are not thinking straight. You must avoid doing this. Clearly, no one is going to want to keep talking to someone who is rude, so make sure y
ou keep your jokes and comments about others respectful. If you are feeling nervous or anxious, it’s important to focus on the other person and ask them about themselves, not say things that others may consider offensive or disrespectful to themselves or others.

  Be honest

  People often play roles when they go into social situations. They play the role of the successful business person, or the supermom, or the charming gentleman — or sometimes we play a negative role, like the irresponsible person.

  But usually, this is not what others are looking for in their interactions with you. What they really want is someone who is real. If you are talking about yourself, be honest if you have had difficulty with a certain situation, no matter how trivial. Don’t pretend to have it all together. This tends to turn other people off and can even come across as bragging.

  If they mention a situation that’s been bugging them, listen to it and respond appropriately. Maybe the bus they take to work is always late or the weather’s been rainy lately. It’s annoying to have someone tell you that their bus is never late or they would never even take the bus. Or that the sun always shines on their side of the city.

  Instead, sharing a similar experience, even if it isn’t recent, would be more appropriate. For instance, maybe you tell the story of when you were a kid you used to hate when the bus was late and you would have to walk into school when everyone else was in class because you felt like you had done something wrong.

  The person may enjoy your story as an amusing anecdote but they will also feel heard on a deeper level because you are showing them that you really get why it annoys them when the bus is late.

  These sorts of conversations are what will turn you into a small talk master, a good conversationalist, and the kind of person that people will want to talk to again.

  Watch non-verbal cues

  When you are speaking with someone, remember from Part 1 that there will be levels to the conversation — even if it’s only small talk. The person you’re talking to may tell you that they’ve started a new job with a smile. But then they may sigh and drop their eyes.

  This is a non-verbal invitation to ask them what exactly about their job isn’t going the way they thought it would. The person’s body language seems to be indicating that something isn’t quite right. So, you could begin by asking them how it’s going. They may say that it’s going well but there’s an aspect of it that they didn’t anticipate, or that they feel they’re not good at or that sort of thing. This gives you a chance to respond in a way that shows that you’ve heard and understood them.

  Most of the time, though, your small talk conversations won’t be about such important matters. Whether it’s an important topic or a trivial one, you still need to watch the other person’s body language.

  Maybe you’re at a party and you ask the person you’re talking to how they know the host. When the person answers, there is a tightness to their voice and their face has shut down. This is a non-verbal cue that the person has some issue with the host and perhaps it would be best to move on to other more safer topics.

  If you ignore those sorts of cues, you could go on yapping about how much you like the host and how great the party is and you would be completely alienating the person you’re talking to. This is not what a small talk master does.

  It all goes back to the number one rule: pay attention. If you’re paying attention, you’ll know which topics are subjects you should continue and which ones aren’t.

  Detect clues

  This section continues on from the previous one, in that once you have picked up on the person’s body language, then you know what to do in each small talk conversation. Sometimes you may choose to continue the conversation if the person seems to be enjoying it.

  If you start getting the feeling that they’re bored based on their body language, then maybe you want to ask them something about themselves. People usually enjoy telling others about their life and that may stave off a dangerous conversational lag.

  On the other hand, if you feel that the person really does not want to talk to you, it is better to move on. There is no shame in moving on if the conversation is not going well. You can excuse yourself to use the restroom, get a drink, or go do something else that will allow you to make a graceful exit from the conversation.

  The truth is that it is simply easier to connect with some people than with others. If the first person you are speaking with is not a good fit, make a graceful exit from the conversation and try again with someone else. Just because the first conversation didn’t go as well as you had hoped, does not mean that you have done something wrong. It just means that maybe you need to find a more similar person to have a conversation with.

  Although, as for that, you can never tell by looking who you may connect with. It is simply a matter of talking to the people who you get a chance to talk to, pay attention, and see what happens.

  Be emphatic

  Nobody likes a so-called yes man , who is always agreeing with everything the other person says. Nor do people enjoy talking to someone who has no opinion on anything. When you’re talking to someone, feel free to express your opinion without being overbearing. It is not necessary that the other person shares your opinion. But you can voice it respectfully and see what they think about it. This leads us directly into the next rule.

  You don’t have to be right

  A conversation is not an argument. Not everyone has this problem, but for the people who do it is a really serious issue. Some go into a conversation with their sword drawn and their knife between their teeth, ready for a fight. If you are one of those people, you must remind yourself before you attempt to make small talk with someone, that not everyone has to think what you think.

  It is okay to disagree. If someone says that the new paint job in the lunchroom looks great, you don’t need to pounce on them if you don’t think so. You can just nod in a way that shows that you heard their opinion. A nod doesn’t always mean that you absolutely agree with what the person said, so it’s not being dishonest. You can also state your opinion with a fairly neutral statement, such as, “I think it might have looked better in blue.”

  This implies that you don’t particularly like the pink they used, but it also doesn’t body-slam your conversational partner and give them the feeling that you are fighting with them. Maybe your colleague will point out that colors have an effect on mood and perhaps they didn’t use blue because it might have lowered workers’ energy in the afternoon, following lunch.

  Because you didn’t jump on the other person and smite them with your opinion, which is, of course, the correct opinion, your comment might instead be the opening into a truly interesting discussion about the effects of colour on mood and energy, which you would never have had the chance to have if you had been aggressive in your conversational tactics.

  First Impressions

  Don’t judge a book by its cover. This is a great saying, except, um, that’s exactly what everyone does. If a book doesn’t have a good cover, it doesn’t matter how great the story is; nobody is going to take a second look. It’s the same thing with a first impression.

  People are social creatures. We have evolved over the millennia to connect with others. And we assess a person in the first moment of looking at them and in the first minute or so of talking to them.

  This doesn’t give you much time to make a good first impression. You need to consider your appearance — clean, tidy, and appropriate clothing for the situation you’re in — because if you don’t, you may not get a chance to practice your small talk skills on anyone.

  Once your general cleanliness and proper attire are established, the next thing you want to think about is the body language you’re using as you enter the situation.

  Are your shoulders hunched and your eyes down, indicating that you’re nervous or afraid? Are you frowning and sending keep away vibes? Or are your shoulders back, your arms relaxed at your sides, a pleasant or neutral expression on your face? />
  You need to remember what we learned in Part 2. We are always communicating something before we even say a word. Make sure you’re communicating what you want to and not your default old habits.

  If you have a habit of slouching, then make an effort to stand up straight when you’re entering a social situation. If you tend to frown, you’ll want to deliberately relax your face. This is because people will read your body language as you approach and if you’re sending the wrong message, they will not even want to start a conversation. They won’t even give you a chance to say anything.

  There are three main things to think about both before and as you enter a small talk situation. First of all, presence or the way you establish yourself in the conversation. Second, positivity and third, that all-important eye contact.

  Presence

  Everyone always says that you need to have a presence in a social situation. People with a presence get noticed, have people waiting to talk to them, and seem at ease no matter who they’re talking to. It is that indefinable something that makes charismatic people charismatic. You may think that those people have something you don’t, but this isn’t so. Anyone can have presence. Read on to find out how to develop your own presence.