by Brad Fraser
Not an iota.
MADISON serves them pancakes.
KANE
What time did Royce get in?
CAROLYN
Twelve thirteen.
MADISON
Do you ever sleep?
CAROLYN
An hour here and there.
MADISON
Bacon?
KANE
I can’t.
MADISON
It’s turkey bacon.
KANE
I really can’t.
CAROLYN
I will.
ROYCE enters.
ROYCE
Could everyone please talk louder.
CAROLYN
Good morning.
MADISON
I made pancakes.
ROYCE
Yippee.
MADISON
With a raspberry compote.
ROYCE
Compote?
KANE
With a splash of Grand Marnier?
MADISON
Yeah.
CAROLYN
David taught you how to make that.
MADISON
How did you know?
CAROLYN
Your father made it for me once. On our honeymoon. I later found out it was David’s favourite.
KANE
Nobody doesn’t like raspberry compote.
MADISON
He did suggest it.
CAROLYN
Of course.
They all eat.
ROYCE
Wow.
KANE
That’s very good.
CAROLYN
I prefer good old-fashioned maple syrup myself.
ROYCE
Is this fucking turkey bacon?
CAROLYN
After breakfast we’re going to see Grandpa Carver.
KANE
Are we?
MADISON
Why?
ROYCE
He keeps calling me Ronnie.
CAROLYN
That was.
ROYCE
His brother. Yeah.
MADISON
I hate the smell of that place.
ROYCE
He always cries when he sees us.
CAROLYN
Because he loves us so much.
MADISON
Because he knows we put him in there.
CAROLYN
He likes to see us as a family.
MADISON
He doesn’t know who we are.
KANE
Your mother’s right. We should do more together. The drive will be nice.
ROYCE
Our visits mean nothing to him.
CAROLYN
But they mean a lot to me.
MADISON’s cellphone rings.
MADISON
Hi David. Really. Well. Okay. No problem. Great.
CAROLYN
What?
MADISON
The coke addict called in sick again.
KANE
You have to work.
CAROLYN
What will we tell Grandpa?
MADISON
Anything you want. He won’t remember. I’ve gotta get some zees.
CAROLYN
Who’s cleaning up?
MADISON
Anyone who didn’t cook. And I’m taking your car.
MADISON exits.
KANE
I’ll get the dishes.
CAROLYN
Aren’t you going to come up with some excuse too?
ROYCE
You kidding? Grandpa Carver’s the only person who can make me feel alright about my social life.
KANE
You can drive.
ROYCE
Great.
Lights rise on DAVID going through the reservation book. MADISON is there.
DAVID
You saved the day.
MADISON
You saved me from a trip to see Grandpa Carver.
DAVID
We won’t be seeing Max again.
MADISON
He was stealing from the bar.
DAVID
Drug addicts always are.
MADISON
I was going to tell you.
DAVID
That’s not your responsibility.
MADISON
So.
Pause.
DAVID
Go ahead.
MADISON
When I was driving here. It just kinda hit me. I mean I’d never really considered it before and I was just kinda—I don’t know.
DAVID
What are you talking about?
MADISON
You fucked my father.
Pause.
DAVID
Why would you think about that?
MADISON
Uh—you were lovers.
DAVID
Jesus Madison.
MADISON
Well?
DAVID
Let’s just say people with really nice bums usually get them for a reason.
MADISON laughs.
That’s not quite the reaction I expected.
MADISON
Please. Ass is the new vagina.
DAVID
Charming.
MADISON
How do you think all those uptight girls manage to stay “virgins” until they get married. And I’ve never dated a guy who didn’t eventually try to get me to insert something—anything really—into his butt.
DAVID
Straight people are always stealing our best ideas.
MADISON
Was he always the bottom?
DAVID
Quit asking so many questions about your father and get to work.
MADISON
Yes sir.
MADISON salutes and exits. Lights rise on ROYCE, CAROLYN and KANE walking to the car.
CAROLYN
I wish he’d die.
KANE
Honey.
CAROLYN
If he knew what he was doing he’d want to.
ROYCE
That was so majorly disgusting.
KANE
It’s a terrible disease.
CAROLYN
He lectured on Chaucer and gave tony cocktail parties for visiting writers.
ROYCE
Seriously?
CAROLYN
I know he’d rather be dead.
ROYCE
We should kill him.
KANE
Stop.
ROYCE
It’s what he’d want.
KANE
We don’t know what he wants.
ROYCE
So you’re saying if you ever become a drooling idiot who pulls his dick out and cranks it whenever your family comes to visit you don’t want us to kill you?
Pause.
KANE
Shut up.
ROYCE
But really.
CAROLYN
I wish he’d die.
KANE
I’d want you to kill me.
Lights rise on the restaurant. DAVID is closing up the bar. MADISON enters with two plates of food.
MADISON
Sorry about the salmon controver
sy.
DAVID
Everyone makes mistakes.
MADISON
Not me.
DAVID
Even you.
MADISON
And you?
DAVID
I’ve made many mistakes.
MADISON
Like Dad?
DAVID
You’re supposed to stop asking about him.
MADISON
Sorry but parents are so strange.
DAVID
They’re just people.
MADISON
What about yours?
DAVID
I’m the illegitimate offspring of Wonder Woman and the Empire State Building.
MADISON
But really.
DAVID
Haven’t seen them in years.
MADISON
Why not?
DAVID
Not really my kind of people.
MADISON
It’s got to be hard to give up a family. Even a bad one.
DAVID
It’s how fags escape from the trailer parks and small towns of their white-trash boyhoods.
MADISON
They’re your family. You’re supposed to love each other forever.
DAVID
There are very few relationships that are meant to last forever. And if they do it’s never without major renovation.
MADISON
Everyone I know’s terrified of their relationship failing.
DAVID
Just because a relationship’s over doesn’t mean it’s failed.
MADISON
I hope to have a relationship some day.
DAVID
You will.
MADISON
With someone bright and well-hung?
DAVID
It’s not impossible but relatively rare.
CAROLYN
You want to come to Comfort?
DAVID
It’s not good form for management to party with the staff.
MADISON
Fuck good form. It’ll let everyone know you’re not as uptight as you seem.
DAVID
Uptight?
MADISON
A coupla drinks.
DAVID
Who’s going?
MADISON
Marvin Willett Debra everyone.
ROYCE enters.
DAVID
Hi Royce.
MADISON
I told you to call before you came by.
ROYCE
I was in the hood.
MADISON
I’m going out.
ROYCE
Oh okay sorry. You need a ride?
DAVID
I’m fine thanks.
Short pause.
ROYCE
Alright.
ROYCE exits.
DAVID
You could’ve invited him.
MADISON
No way. You coming?
DAVID
Yeah sure.
Lights rise on CAROLYN in bed, reading. KANE enters from the bathroom wearing his pyjama bottoms.
KANE
This belly’s getting out of control.
CAROLYN
You’ve still got a nice ass.
KANE
You’re the one who kept her body.
CAROLYN
Except for my saggy tits.
KANE
You’ll always be that same hot girl Attila introduced me to at the Drink Exchange.
CAROLYN
That girl and her perky tits are gone.
KANE stops in front of the mirror to pluck some shoulder hairs.
KANE
Not in my eyes.
CAROLYN
Any sign of the kids?
KANE
No.
CAROLYN
Royce has the car?
KANE
Gets him outa the fucking house for a change.
CAROLYN
What do you think he does?
KANE
Drives around listening to music and thinking about himself.
CAROLYN
And Madison?
KANE
She’s making a million new friends and trying a million new things. Let’s just leave it at that. Check my back for hairs.
CAROLYN inspects KANE’s back.
CAROLYN
It’s all just so.
KANE
What are we going to do?
CAROLYN
Do?
KANE
When they’re gone.
CAROLYN
I don’t know.
KANE
It’ll be strange.
CAROLYN
Like starting over again.
CAROLYN pulls a hair out.
KANE
Ow. Yeah.
CAROLYN
It’s really.
KANE
I know.
CAROLYN
I mean really.
KANE
I know.
Lights rise on DAVID and MADISON on the street. They’re searching for a cab, both a bit drunk.
DAVID
I’ll hail you a cab.
MADISON
I have them on speed-dial.
MADISON speed-dials her cellphone.
MADISON
I need a cab at Comfort. Great.
DAVID
How long?
MADISON
Pretty quick. We’re downtown.
DAVID
I’ll wait with you.
MADISON
It’s okay.
DAVID
At this time of night? I’ll wait.
MADISON
You should head off to some corn-holing festival.
DAVID
No thanks.
MADISON
You’re alone too much.
DAVID
I’m fine.
MADISON
I worry about you.
DAVID
Don’t.
MADISON
When was the last time you saw Dad?
DAVID
Montreal.
MADISON
Really?
DAVID
A year or so after we’d broken up. I was opening a swank room while learning French and he was buying antiques or something. We ran into each other on St. Catherine.
MADISON
Big coincidence?
DAVID
My life’s like that.
MADISON
Did you talk?
DAVID
Briefly. Here comes your cab.
MADISON
I had fun.
DAVID
Me too.
MADISON gives DAVID a sudden kiss. It lingers for a moment before DAVID steps out of it.
Your cab.
MADISON
Yeah. Over here.
DAVID
Good night.
MADISON
Night.
Lights rise on CAROLYN in the kitchen making cocoa. MADISON enters.
CAROLYN
Two forty-three.
MADISON
Mom I think Royce is like really depressed or something.
CAROLYN
MADISON
Aren’t you aware of how much time he spends alone? He has no friends.
CAROLYN
He has friends on the Net.
MADISON
Net friends aren’t real.
CAROLYN
What about Sigfreid?
MADISON
He hardly sees him anymore.
CAROLYN
What do you want me to do?
MADISON
Someone needs to talk to him.
CAROLYN
I’ve tried to get him to open up. So has your father.
MADISON
He keeps coming by work at inappropriate times. I think he’s trying to reach out or something.
CAROLYN
Are you that concerned?
MADISON
He’s having nightmares and crying jags. Don’t you hear him at night?
CAROLYN
I thought he was—masturbating.
MADISON
Mother.
CAROLYN
I’ll talk to your father.
MADISON
As soon as possible.
CAROLYN
Okay.
MADISON
Go to bed.
CAROLYN
I’ll never get to sleep now.
Lights rise on DAVID walking to his apartment building. ROYCE is sitting on the steps.
DAVID
Royce?
ROYCE
Hey.
DAVID
This is a surprise.
ROYCE
I didn’t have anywhere else to go.
Pause.
DAVID
Have you followed me here before?
ROYCE
You went out with my sister.
DAVID
We met some people for drinks.
ROYCE
You like her?
DAVID
Yes.
ROYCE
Everyone likes her.
DAVID
She’s very personable.
ROYCE
Why am I a loser?
DAVID
The losers in school are the ones who prove themselves in adulthood.
ROYCE
Were you a loser in high school?
DAVID
No.
ROYCE
They laugh at me.
DAVID
Who?
ROYCE
All of them. They always have. They call me names. Push me into my locker. Knock my books out of my hands. Punch me in the face after they have a fight with their girlfriends. Shove my head in the toilet if they catch me in the can.
DAVID
You need to stand up to them.
ROYCE
Like I could ever do that and live.
DAVID
Transfer schools.
ROYCE
I’ve done that. I still end up being the geek everyone picks on. It started in the first grade and never really stopped.
DAVID
What do you plan to do when you’re finished school?
ROYCE
Be one of those guys who lives in their parents’ basement until they’re forty.
DAVID
