What was I now?
A survivor. Someone who had clawed her way up out of the dank darkness of reality and breathed fresh air again. I was someone who the darkness craved to have back, and I knew I wasn’t strong enough to stop the darkness from claiming me again. This time, I knew I’d give in. This time would be the last time. Ray would win this one, this terrible, murderous game, and I was too weak to stop him again.
Would these guys help me? Would they want to? They claimed they did, but I knew what people said and what they really did were often two separate things. Actions and words rarely coincided with each other.
I heaved a sigh and turned to find a sitting area, where I’d wait for Dean Briggs and Declan to finish their visit with Will.
This life…it was hardly worth living anymore.
Chapter Sixteen – Sawyer
It was hard to say exactly when things got better, but they did. I might’ve been skipping classes left and right, but I was a fucking Salvatore. I could graduate from this campus without ever having to step foot inside a single classroom or lecture hall, let alone a fucking lab. Fuck labs—they were annoying as shit, anyway.
After I’d taken my first one, it was like I could see the world clearly. Which might’ve been stupid, since some people I knew would tell me I was seeing things less clearly, but whatever. You know what else helped me get clarity? Visiting her.
It was just a quick visit, an under the radar kind of thing. I’d told the nurses I was out of town when my girlfriend got hit by a car, and using my charm, I was able to get them to tell me which room was hers.
I didn’t go in, though. What would I say if I had? I didn’t want to see her body crumpled and broken from a car. I…was starting to realize I didn’t want to see her at all. Ash only reminded me of my failure, and I was not a fan of my own failures. I’d already failed Sabrina; how much more failure was I capable of?
A lot, it would turn out.
I’d just stood outside her door, peering in through the window, swearing to myself that this was it. This was goodbye. I was done with the whole Declan thing, done with my revenge. I needed to breathe some fresh air, otherwise I didn’t think I’d make it through my life. I’d self-sabotage myself so much that I wouldn’t be able to save myself or pull myself back up. No, in order for me to move on, I had to say goodbye.
That had been the point of the hospital visit, and yet, a few days later, I dreamt of her.
It wasn’t a long dream, but I’d dreamt of her, which meant I wasn’t quite through yet, as I hoped I was. Like I wanted to be.
Ash had come to me, and since I was dreaming, I didn’t stop myself from pulling her down and trying to make her mine. The whole thing was a bit fuzzy, and it ended almost as soon as it began, but you get the point. As much as I tried to say it was over, it wasn’t…which was why I had to find her in person and tell her that I was done.
If I saw her, if I stared into those grey eyes as I told her I was done with her and Declan—and Travis, by extension—it would be enough. She’d probably tell me off, tell me to go fuck myself, which, if I was honest, was precisely what I wanted her to do. I wanted Ash to swear at me, to challenge me. It was more fun that way…
No, wait. I didn’t want that.
I wanted her to accept it was over. She got me, with my pink hair and all. She’d gotten me time and time again at my parties. Kneeing me in the groin—which still hurt when I thought about it—biting my lip and making me bleed…me and her went way back, and usually it was just her getting back at me for my slights at Declan, or the girls I fucked. With Travis taping things and sending them to her, I couldn’t blame her for wanting to strangle me. Travis had only helped to fuel the fire raging deep inside of her, and there was a time not too long ago when I would’ve held my own fire, a fire similar to hers.
Now? Now I was just tired. Now it was like my life was pointless. My life was one huge wave of disappointment after another, and I couldn’t keep my head above the water anymore. If I had to give up and let myself float along in the tumultuous waves that were my life, then so be it. That’s what I’d do.
The few times I went to class, I ignored everyone. Their looks and their expressions. They saw my pink hair—the bright, electric pink had faded a bit, but the color was proving to be a stubborn one—and snickered quietly to themselves. Some of them weren’t so quiet about it. Others tried asking me if something was wrong, maybe they saw how out of it I was, but I shrugged them all off. I didn’t want to get into it.
Besides, someone like me couldn’t have real friends. These people didn’t care about me, they only cared about my name and the money attached to it. Being a Salvatore meant I would be alone until the day I died. My parents would force me to marry someone else who came from money to keep the wealth within the approved social circles, and yet I would still be alone.
Money and wealth were cursed, you see. If you had mountains of it, you weren’t allowed to be happy or to live your life how you wanted. Everyone and their brother had expectations of you, and if you didn’t meet them, you were the disappointment of the century.
I didn’t take notes when I went to class. I hardly listened, which was fine, because the teachers never called on me, anyway. And if I had to take tests or turn in papers and other homework, I’d just have my dad make a few calls. There were some sucky sides to being a Salvatore, but also a few perks. It wasn’t so wrong to use the perks, not when I was such a fuck-up to begin with.
After class, I always made it a habit to go to the nearest restroom. It was strange that I’d picked up again so quickly, even stranger my tolerance to them. Oxy didn’t quite affect me like it used to, maybe because I’d spent so long being perpetually high on them before. I had to take more than I should, but I didn’t care.
If I overdosed…no one would miss me. Just one less asshole in the world, one less jerk taking up space and ruining the lives of others. Tons of people would come to my funeral, I bet, just like Sabrina’s had been jam-packed. What a shame, they’d say, he was far too young. I was certain they’d say other things when my parents weren’t around, too. Things that were much less kind.
Was I ready to die? I didn’t know. Sometimes it felt like this life was pointless, and far too difficult. I was a fan of the easy route, which was probably why I’d regressed to the Sawyer from a year ago so quickly.
It was kind of funny, actually. I’d come into this year, my sophomore year at Hillcrest University, ready to take charge and make Declan wish he was never born. I’d spent the latter part of last year doing it, but I wanted to up the ante this year. I wanted that fool to cut himself so badly he died before the ambulance came. I wanted Declan as dead as Sabrina…but was that what I got?
No, of course not, because then something would’ve actually gone right in my life. Because nothing ever went right, because anything that could go wrong would go wrong when it came to something I had a hand in—Ash came to campus, wide-eyed and innocent, a freshman in her own league.
Only she wasn’t so innocent, was she? No, she knew how the game was played, and she played it well. Ash was not someone I’d expected to saunter onto the board with a cocky attitude and a bring-it demeanor. She was headstrong, blunt, and everything I hated in a girl. She never fell for my shit, never pretended to. Anything she did, she did only because she knew it was the best way to get back at me.
Dying my hair pink? Getting back at me for making Brooklyn do the same. Maybe that was why I left it as-is. I deserved this pink hair.
I was a horrible person, really. A reason why I had no real friends. Money pushed most people away, and my attitude pushed everyone else away. Travis was…he’d been my only friend, other than Declan. And fucking Declan was not even worth bringing up, not after Sabrina mentioned him in her suicide letter.
The bathroom I was in was a single. I had the door locked and my backpack on the sink. I reached into the side pocket, unzipping it with a slow and steady hand. My eyes met my reflection and for a mo
ment I wondered why I was letting myself get this crazy over a girl.
But, no. It wasn’t just because of a girl and what she did to me. It was because of everything. My life, the state of it in general. My lack of friends, even if I could send one tweet about a party and have my house full within two hours. This wasn’t just because of Ash—it was because everything was so meaningless. I had nothing, and even though I was a Salvatore, if you took that last name away, I’d be nothing.
Nothing at all.
I’d gotten more, of course. My guy had changed numbers since my last contact with him, so it had taken a bit to track him down. But I did, and now I had a new supply. I’d waste my parents’ money on pills, and I didn’t even care. I didn’t care about anything anymore.
I popped out two of them, and did what I had to do before splashing some water on my face. I didn’t even dry off my face; the sun would do that well enough once I left the building. I threw my backpack around my shoulders and left, content to go home and let the time pass me by in a blur. If I was lucky, maybe I could be high the rest of my time at Hillcrest. Close my eyes and suddenly open them to graduation. Yeah, that would be nice.
I was crossing the quad when I heard the faint sounds of wheels on concrete. My back went rigid, and even though I couldn’t see her, I knew she was around here somewhere. The one girl I didn’t want to see, the one who was the last straw, the one that broke my will.
Hmm. I didn’t want to see her, but maybe I should. Maybe I should tell her face-to-face that it was over, that I was done with it. Maybe then I could forget all about her and move on with my life.
Yeah, that was the dream.
I ended up turning around, seeing her slowly skate her way alongside the quad, her hands in the pockets of her jean jacket, an unreadable expression on her face. Her blonde hair sparkled in the sun, their light pink tips looking like cotton candy.
My stomach clenched as I hurried to follow her. She ended up skating to the sociology hall, and it was as she was slowing herself and bending down to grab her skateboard that I called out to her, catching her just as she was about to open one of the hall’s many doors.
“Ash,” I said, “I need to talk to you.”
I noticed her spine tense, and she didn’t turn around to look at me. Other students passed by us, and I wondered what we looked like. Two weirdos with pink hair? A boy and a girl, lost in a fight that was threatening to ruin their relationship? Ash and I weren’t together, we’d never be together, but still, dreaming of her had been nice.
Seeing her in that hospital bed after her accident? Not so nice.
I needed to cut ties with her right now, otherwise who knew how bad things would get.
“I’m going to be late for class,” she said, and I knew with the number of students still walking around outside that classes still had quite a few minutes before they started.
Glancing up to the blue sky, I heaved a sigh, moving closer to her, blocking her entrance to the building with my wide body. Standing before me, she seemed extra small, almost too tiny to be a freshman in college. She looked even thinner than she had before, but maybe that was the drugs talking, making me notice new things about her.
Hell, at this point, I shouldn’t notice anything about her.
“It won’t take long,” I said, staring into her grey eyes. Their almost unnatural hue was rimmed in a dark black, making her eyes look smoky even if she wore no makeup. I saw she refused to look at me, instead staring squarely at my chest.
This girl was so small; how the hell did I find her intimidating? Right now, there was nothing intimidating about her. She hardly looked like herself. The way she held herself, how she refused to make eye contact…it was almost like the girl before me wasn’t Ash, just someone else wearing her skin.
“Fine,” Ash relented, slowly lifting her gaze to look at me. I noticed bags under her eyes, and it took me a moment to overcome the shock. She looked like shit—and this girl had never looked like shit, even when coming to my house to ruin my parties. No matter what she wore, she looked good. She was a skeleton of her usual self right now, and even though this was goodbye forever, something inside of me ached.
I didn’t want to see her like this, which was stupid. We’d done nothing but antagonize each other. We were never friends. She’d walked into a feud and chose sides, and she didn’t choose me, not that I could blame her. I was the king of assholes.
“What is it, Sawyer?” Ash asked when I stayed quiet. I was too lost in my own head as I stared at her, wondering why she had to choose today to look like shit. It was only making what I had to do harder. I could offer her one of the pills in my bag, but she didn’t strike me as the kind of girl who liked to crush up pills and snort them.
Well, it was now or never.
“I just wanted to say that I’m done,” I told her, one of my hands grasping the strap wrapped around my shoulder. If I didn’t hold onto something, I might be tempted to reach for her and hold her—and that was definitely something I couldn’t allow myself to do. Touching her again might just mean I’d passed the point of no return when it came to her.
She blinked. “What’s that supposed to mean?”
“It means I’m done going after Declan. I’m done trying to get back at you. I’m done, Ash. I just want to be done.” I sounded a bit rambly, like I was going around in circles, but I meant every word.
Ash eventually heaved a sigh. “Then be done.” Around us, there were fewer students out, meaning it was almost time for class. “No one made you go after Declan to begin with, and no one made you be such an ass to everyone else. If you’re done, then be done. Stop trying to drag me into your shit, because unlike you, I have real problems.”
Damn. This goodbye was not going how I imagined it would.
I wanted to grab her and shove her against the nearest wall—which would be the outer brick of the sociology hall. I wanted to shout, you think I don’t have problems? You think my life is just roses and butterflies? I wanted to demand things of her I had no right to.
My life wasn’t roses and butterflies. My life wasn’t good or even fun anymore. My life was miserable…but of course she couldn’t see it. She was living in her own little bubble, oblivious to my suffering. I said I wanted Declan to want to die, but here’s the kicker: I wanted to die.
Me, Sawyer Salvatore. I wanted to die. Dying would be easier than living a life like this, than knowing that I’d failed my baby sister and would never live up to the image my parents had built for me. I was cocky, arrogant, confident beyond all belief, but deep down I wanted to die. I was just too scared to actually go through it.
Not so cocky after all, huh?
Ash blinked, and for a quick moment, I could’ve sworn I saw tears forming in her eyes. But then that moment was gone, and she muttered, “Goodbye, Sawyer. Have a nice life.” Saying nothing else, she turned to enter the sociology hall, leaving me standing on the sidewalk, alone.
Something deep inside of me hurt when I watched her walk away, maybe because I knew that this was it. This was goodbye. No Ash for me, no anything for me. I might be a spoiled shit, but in reality, I never got what I wanted.
A sister who was happy, sane, and alive. A girl who cared for me, not my money or my dick. And, above all else, a normal, quiet life.
Yeah, that last one especially.
Three things that would never happen, but that was fine. Not everyone got their happy ending. I wasn’t stupid enough to believe that. Coming from money, I knew there were some sacrifices you had to make.
I wasn’t good at sacrifice. I didn’t do the whole righteous, self-sacrificing bit.
Once she was gone, I breathed in deeply, trying to forget it. Forget her, forget all the things I wanted to do to her. This was my life, and I had to deal with it. I had to be who I was, and fuck everything else.
I needed a fucking drink.
Chapter Seventeen – Ash
All through class, I couldn’t believe what Sawyer said to me. The ba
stard. He thought his life was so full of problems, huh? He thought he needed to tell me he was done so he could focus on losing himself to whatever illegal pill he was on? Fuck that. Fuck him. I didn’t need him trying to act all goody-goody suddenly.
He was Sawyer Salvatore, and Sawyer Salvatore didn’t act like a pussy. He acted like a dick. Like a big, raging dick without a mind of his own. He thought with his dick most of the time, too. He was basically just a big dick walking around on two legs.
Ugh. Fuck that guy. Fuck him so hard.
When class let out, I was the first to pack up my shit and go. I clutched my skateboard so hard it might break in half. I bustled through the halls, wanting to get out of this place. Out of this building, out of Hillcrest—hell, even out of planet earth. Me getting off this planet was the only way I’d be able to truly get away from Ray, I think.
Sawyer thought he had problems of his own? Problems that rivaled mine? Fuck him. He had no idea what I was going through, and judging from what he said, he didn’t remember me coming to him that night. The bastard was too strung out on whatever he was taking to remember me being there.
Fuck. It was a damn good thing I didn’t let anything between us happen.
When I made it out of the building, I set down my skateboard, about to skate away, but I froze the moment I saw a tattooed Travis sitting on a nearby bench, his ankle on his knee, a cigarette in his hand. It was as if he was waiting for me, and I shot him a glare.
Did he think I’d wait for him? No, I’d skate away and…
Travis got up, moving like a predator on the hunt, too fast for me. He set a foot on the tip of my skateboard, stopping me from going anywhere. He snatched the cigarette out of his mouth, exhaling a smoke-filled breath as he said, “Let me walk with you.”
Skank: A Dark College Bully Romance (Hillcrest University Book 3) Page 13
