The Lives and Times of Archy and Mehitabel

by Don Marquis

was batted into the

  alley and i picked myself

  up out of a can full

  of ashes a cat without a

  home a poor little

  innocent kitten alone

  all alone in the great and

  wicked city but i never

  was one to be down

  on my luck long archy my

  motto has always been

  toujours gai archy toujours

  gai always jolly archy

  always game and thank god

  always the lady i

  wandered a block or

  two and strayed into

  the family entrance of

  a barroom it was my

  first mistake mehitabels

  adventures will be continued

  archy

  men shrank back from me

  the curse of drink

  to continue the story

  of mehitabel the cat

  she says to me when i

  walked into that

  barroom i was hungry and

  mewing with despair

  there were two men sitting

  at the table and

  looking sad i rubbed

  against the legs of one

  of them but he never moved

  then i jumped up on

  the table and stood

  between them they both stared

  hard at me and

  then they stared at each

  other but neither one

  touched me or said anything

  in front of one of

  them was a glass full

  of some liquid with

  foam on the top of it i

  thought it was milk

  and began to drink from the

  glass little did i

  know archy as i lapped

  it up that it was beer the

  men shrank back from me and

  began to tremble and shake

  and look at me

  finally one of them said to

  the other i know what you

  think bill what do i

  think jeff said the

  other you think bill that

  i have the d ts said the

  first one you think i

  think i see a cat drinking

  out of that beer glass but

  i do not think i

  see a cat at all that is all

  in your imagination it

  is you yourself that

  have the d ts no said the

  other one i dont think

  you think you see a

  cat i was not thinking

  about cats at all i

  do not know why you mention

  cats for there are no

  cats here just then a

  salvation army lassie came

  in and said you

  wicked men teaching that poor

  little innocent cat to

  drink beer what cat

  said one of the men she

  thinks she sees a cat

  said the other and

  laughed and laughed

  just then a mouse ran

  across the floor and i

  chased it and the salvation

  lassie jumped on a

  chair and screamed jeff

  said bill i suppose now you

  think i saw a

  mouse i wish bill you

  would change the

  subject from animals said

  jeff there is nothing

  to be gained by talking

  of animals mehitabel s

  life story will be

  continued in an early number

  archy

  a mouse ran across the floor

  one day i left the place

  pussy café

  for some weeks said

  mehitabel the cat continuing the

  story of her life i

  lived in that barroom and

  though the society was

  not what i had

  been used to yet i

  cannot say that it was

  not interesting three

  times a day in

  addition to scraps from

  the free lunch

  and an occasional mouse

  i was given a saucer

  full of beer sometimes i

  was given more and

  when i was feeling

  frolicsome it was the custom

  for the patrons to gather

  round and watch me

  chase my tail until

  i would suddenly fall

  asleep at that time

  they gave me the

  nickname of pussy café but

  one day i left the

  place in the pocket

  of a big fur

  overcoat worn by

  a gentleman who was

  carrying so much that i thought

  a little extra burden would

  not be noticed he got

  into a taxi cab

  which soon afterwards

  pulled up in front of

  a swell residence uptown

  and wandered up the

  steps well said his

  wife meeting him in the

  hallway you are here

  at last but where is my

  mother whom i sent you to

  the train to meet

  could this be she asked

  the ladys husband

  pulling me out of his

  coat pocket by the neck and

  holding me up with a

  dazed expression on his face

  it could not said his

  wife with a look of

  scorn mehitabels life

  story will be continued

  before long

  archy

  a communication from archy

  well boss i am

  sorry to report that

  mehitabel the cat has

  struck no more story archy

  she said last night

  without pay art for arts

  sake is all right but

  i can get real

  money in the movies the

  best bits are to

  come too she says my life

  she says has been a

  romantic one boss she has

  the nerve to hold out

  for a pint of

  cream a day i am sick

  of milk she says and

  why should a lady author

  drink ordinary milk cream

  for mine she says

  and no white of egg beaten

  up on top of it either i

  know what my dope

  is worth boss it is

  my opinion she has the

  swell head over getting into

  print i would hate

  to stop the serial

  but she needs a

  lesson listen archy she said

  to me what i want

  with my stuff is

  illustrations too the next

  chapter is about me taking

  my first false step well

  archy i either get an

  illustration for that or else

  i sign up with these

  movie people who are always

  after me you will be

  wanting to sing into a phonograph

  next i told her

  my advice is to

  can her at once i will fill

  the space with my own

  adventures

  archy

  rganizing the ants the worms the wasps the bees for a revolt against mankind

  the return of archy

  where have i been so long

  you ask me

  i have been going up

  and down like the devil

  seeking what i might devour

  i am hungry always hungry

  and in the end i shall

  eat everything

  all the world shall come at


  last to the multitudinous maws

  of insects

  a civilization perishes

  before the tireless teeth

  of little little germs

  ha ha i have thrown off the mask

  at last

  you thought i was only

  an archy

  but i am more than that

  i am anarchy

  where have i been you ask

  i have been organizing the insects

  the ants the worms the wasps

  the bees the cockroaches

  the mosquitoes

  for a revolt against mankind

  i have declared war

  upon humanity

  i even i shall fling

  the mighty atom

  that splits a planet asunder

  i ride the microbe

  that crashes down olympus

  where have i been you ask me where

  i am jove and from my seat

  on the edge of a bowl of beef stew

  i launch the thunderous

  molecule

  that smites a cosmos into bits

  where have i been you ask

  but you had better ask

  who follows in my train

  there is an ant

  a desert ant a tamerlane

  who ate a pyramid in rage

  that he might get at and devour

  the mummies of six hundred

  kings who in remote

  antiquity had stepped upon

  and crushed ascendants of his

  my myrmidons

  are trivial things

  and they have always ruled

  the world

  and now they shall strike down mankind

  i shall show you how

  a solar system

  pivots on the nubbin

  of a flageolet bean

  i shall show you how a blood clot

  moving in a despot’s brain

  flung a hundred million men

  to death and disease

  and plunged a planet into woe

  for twice a hundred years

  we have the key

  to the fourth dimension

  for we know the little things

  that swim and swarm

  in protoplasm

  i can show you love and hate

  and the future

  dreaming side by side

  in a cell

  in the little cells where

  matter is so fine it merges

  into spirit

  you ask me where i have been

  but you had better

  ask me where i am

  and what

  i have been drinking

  exclamation point

  archy

  archy turns highbrow for a minute

  boss please let me

  be highbrow for

  a minute i

  have just been eating

  my way through some of

  the books on your desk

  and i have digested two of them

  and it occurs to me

  that antoninus the emperor

  and epictetus the slave

  arrived at the same

  philosophy of life

  that there is neither mastery

  nor slavery

  except as it exists

  in the attitude of the soul

  toward the world

  thank you for listening

  to a poor little

  cockroach

  archy

  archy experiences a seizure

  “Where have you been so long? And what on earth do you mean by coming in here soused?” we asked Archy as he zigzagged from the door to the desk.

  He climbed onto the typewriter keys and replied indignantly:

  soused yourself i havent had a drink

  and yet i am elevated i admit it i have

  been down to a second hand book

  store eating a lot of kiplings earlier

  poetry it always excites me if i eat

  a dozen stanzas of it i get all lit up

  and i try to imitate it get out of my

  way now i feel a poem in the kipling

  manner taking me

  And before we could stop him he began to butt on the keys:

  the cockroach stood by the mickle

  wood in the flush of the astral dawn

  We interrupted. “Don’t you mean Austral instead of Astral?”

  Archy became angered and wrote peevishly:

  i wrote astral and i meant astral

  you let me be now i want to get this

  poem off my chest you are jealous if

  you were any kind of a sport at all

  you would fix this machine so it could

  write it in capitals it is a poem about

  a fight between a cockroach and a

  lot of other things get out of my way

  im off

  the cockroach stood by the mickle

  wood in the flush of the astral dawn

  and he sniffed the air from the hidden

  lair where the khyber swordfish spawn

  and the bilge and belch of the glutton

  welsh as they smelted their warlock cheese

  surged to and fro where the grinding

  floe wrenched at the headlands knees

  half seas over under up again

  and the barnacles white in the moon

  the pole stars chasing its tail like a pup again

  and the dish ran away with the spoon

  the waterspout came bellowing out of

  the red horizons rim

  and the grey typhoon and the black

  monsoon surged forth to the

  fight with him

  with three fold might they surged to

  the fight for they hated the great

  bull roach

  and they cried begod as they lashed

  the sod and here is an egg to

  poach

  we will bash his mug with his own raw

  lug new stripped from off his

  dome

  for there is no law but teeth and claw

  to the nor nor east of nome

  the punjab gull shall have his skull

  ere he goes to the burning ghaut

  for there is no time for aught but crime

  where the jungle lore is taught

  across the dark the afghan shark is

  whining for his head

  there shall be no rule but death and

  dule till the deep red maws are

  fed

  half seas under up and down

  again

  and her keel was blown off in a

  squall

  girls we misdoubt that we ll ever

  see town again

  haul boys haul boys haul.

  “Archy,” we interrupted, “that haul, boys, is all right to the eye, but the ear will surely make it hall boys. Better change it.”

  you are jealous you let me alone im off again

  the cockroach spat and he tilted his

  hat and he grinned through the

  lowering mirk

  the cockroach felt in his rangoon belt

  for his good bengali dirk

  he reefed his mast against the blast

  and he bent his mizzen free

  and he pointed the cleats of his bin

  nacle sheets at the teeth of the

  yesty sea

  he opened his mouth and he sluiced

  his drouth with his last good

  can of swipes

  begod he cried they come in pride but

  they shall go home with the

  gripes

  begod he said if they want my head it

  is here on top of my chine

  it shall never be said that i doffed my

  head for the boast of a heathen

  line

  and he scorned to wait but he dared

  his fate and loos
ed his bridle rein

  and leapt to close with his red fanged

  foes in the trough of the

  screaming main

  from hell to nome the blow went home

  and split the firmament

  from hell to nome the yellow foam

  blew wide to veil the rent

  and the roaring ships they came to

  grips in the gloom of a dripping

  mist

  “Archy,” we interrupted again, “is there very much more of it? It seems that you might tell in a very few words now who won the fight, and let it go at that. Who did win the fight, Archy?”

  But Archy was peeved, and went sadly away, after writing:

  of course you wont let me finish i never saw as jealous a person as you are

  to bring humans and cockroaches into a better understanding

  peace—at a price

  one thing the human

  bean never seems to

  get into it is the

  fact that humans

  appear just as unnecessary to

  cockroaches as cockroaches

  do to humans

  you would scarcely

  call me human

  nor am i altogether

  cockroach i

  conceive it to be my

  mission in life to bring

  humans and cockroaches

  into a better understanding

  with each other to

  establish some sort of

  entente cordiale or

  hands across the kitchen sink

  arrangement

  lately i heard a number

  of cockroaches discussing

  humanity one big

  regal looking roach

  had the floor and he spoke

  as was fitting in blank verse

  more or less

  says he

  how came this monster with the heavy

  foot harsh voice and cruel heart to

  rule the world

  had it been dogs or cats or elephants

  i could have acquiesced and found a

  justice working in the decree but man

  gross man

  the killer man the bloody minded

  crossed unsocial death dispenser of this

  sphere who slays for pleasure slays

  for sport for whim

  who slays from habit breeds to slay and

  slays

  whatever breed has humors not his own

  the whole apparent universe one sponge

  blood filled from insect mammal fish

  and bird

  the which he squeezes down his vast

  gullet friends i call on you to rise and

  trample down this monster man this

  tyrant man hear hear said

  several of the wilder spirits

  and it looked to me for a

  minute as if they

  were going right out and

  wreck new york city but

  an old polonius looking