The Lives and Times of Archy and Mehitabel

by Don Marquis

  roach got the floor

  he cleared his throat three times

  and said

  what our young friend here

  so eloquently counsels against

  the traditional enemy is

  calculated of course to appeal to

  youth what he says

  about man is all very true

  and yet we must remember that

  some of our wisest

  cockroaches have always

  held that there

  is something impious in the

  idea of overthrowing man

  doubtless the supreme being

  put man where he is and

  doubtless he did it

  for some good purpose which

  it would be very

  impolitic yea well nigh

  blasphemous for us to enquire

  into the project of

  overthrowing man is indeed

  tantamount to a

  proposition to overthrow the

  supreme being himself and

  i trust that no one of

  my hearers is so wild or

  so wicked as to think

  that possible or desirable i

  cannot but admire the

  idealism and patriotism of

  my young friend who

  has just spoken nor do i

  doubt his sincerity but i

  grieve to see so

  many fine qualities

  misdirected and i

  should like to ask him

  just one question to wit

  namely as follows is it not

  a fact that just before

  coming to this meeting

  he was almost killed by a

  human being as he

  crawled out of an ice box

  and is it not true that

  he was stealing food from

  the said ice box and is it

  not a fact that his own

  recent personal experience has

  as much to do with

  his present rage as any

  desire to better the

  condition of the cockroaches of

  the world in general

  i think that it is the sense of

  this meeting that a

  resolution be passed censuring

  mankind and at the

  same time making it

  very clear that nothing like

  rebellion is to be attempted

  and so on

  well polonius had his way

  but it is my belief that the

  wilder spirits will gain the

  ascendancy and if the

  movement spreads to the other

  insects the human race is in

  danger as a friend of both

  parties i should regret war

  what we need is

  intelligent propaganda who is

  better qualified to handle

  the propaganda fund than

  yours truly

  archy

  as a friend of both parties i should regret war

  mehitabel again

  well boss mehitabel the

  cat is sore at me she says

  that it was my fault

  that you cut off her story

  of her life right in

  the middle and she

  has been making my life a

  misery to me three

  times she has almost clawed

  me to death i wish

  she would eat a poisoned

  rat but she wont she

  is too lazy to catch one well

  it takes all sorts of

  people to make an

  underworld

  archy

  archy among the philistines

  i wish i had more human society

  these other cockroaches here are just cockroaches

  no human soul ever transmigrated into them

  and any soul that would go into one of them

  after giving them the once over

  would be a pretty punk sort of a soul

  you cant imagine how low down they are with no

  esthetic sense and no imagination or anything like

  that and they actually poke fun at me because I used to

  be a poet before i died and my soul migrated into a

  cockroach they are as crass and philistine as some

  humans i could name their only thought is food but

  there is a little red eyed spider lives behind your

  steam radiator who has considerable sense

  i don’t think he is very honest though i dont know

  whether he has anything human in him or is just

  spider i was talking to him the other day and was

  quite charmed with his conversation

  after you he says pausing by the radiator

  and i was about to step back of the radiator ahead

  of him when something told me to watch my step

  and i drew back just in time

  to keep from walking into a web

  there were some cockroach legs and wings

  still sticking in that web

  i beat it as quickly as i could up the wall

  well well says that spider you are in quite a hurry archy

  ha ha so you wont be at my dinner table today then

  some other time cockroach some other time

  i will be glad to welcome you to dinner archy

  he is not to be trusted but he is the only insect

  i have met for weeks that has any intelligence if you

  will look back of that locker where you hang your

  hat you will find a dime has rolled there i wish you

  would get it and spend it for doughnuts a cent at a time

  and leave the doughnuts under your typewriter i get tired

  of apple peelings i nearly drowned in your ink well last

  night dont forget the doughnuts

  archy

  We are trying to fix up some scheme whereby Archy can use the shift keys and thus get control of the capital letters and punctuation marks. Suggestions for a workable device will be thankfully received. As it is Archy has to climb upon the frame of the typewriter and jump with all his weight upon the keys, a key at a time, and it is only by almost incredible exertions that he is able to drag the paper forward so he can start a new line.

  CAPITALS AT LAST

  archy protests

  say comma boss comma capital

  i apostrophe m getting tired of

  being joshed about my

  punctuation period capital t followed by

  he idea seems to be

  that capital i apostrophe m

  ignorant where punctuation

  is concerned period capital n followed by

  o such thing semi

  colon the fact is that

  the mechanical exigencies of

  the case prevent my use of

  all the characters on the

  typewriter keyboard period

  capital i apostrophe m

  doing the best capital

  i can under difficulties semi colon

  and capital i apostrophe m

  grieved at the unkindness

  of the criticism period please

  consider that my name

  is signed in small

  caps period

  archy period

  CAPITALS AT LAST

  I THOUGHT THAT SOME HISTORIC DAY

  SHIFT KEYS WOULD LOCK IN SUCH A WAY

  THAT MY POETIC FEET WOULD FALL

  UPON EACH CLICKING CAPITAL

  AND NOW FROM KEY TO KEY I CLIMB

  TO WRITE MY GRATITUDE IN RHYME

  YOU LITTLE KNOW WITH WHAT DELIGHT

  THROUGHOUT THE LONG AND LONELY NIGHT

  I’VE KICKED AND BUTTED (FOOT AND BEAN)

  AGAINST THE KEYS OF YOUR MACHINE

  TO TELL THE MOVING TALE OF ALL

  THAT TO A COCKROACH MAY BEFA
LL

  INDEED IF I COULD NOT HAVE HAD

  SUCH OCCUPATION I’D BE MAD

  AH FOR A SOUL LIKE MINE TO DWELL

  WITHIN A COCKROACH THAT IS HELL

  TO SCURRY FROM THE PLAYFUL CAT

  TO DODGE THE INSECT EATING RAT

  THE HUNGRY SPIDER TO EVADE

  THE MOUSE THAT %)?))””” $$$((gee boss

  what a jolt that cat mehitabel made

  a jump for me

  i got away but she unlocked the shift key

  it kicked me right into the

  mechanism where she

  couldn’t reach me it

  was nearly the death of little

  archy that kick spurned me right

  out of parnassus back into

  the vers libre slums i lay

  in behind the wires for an hour after

  she left before i dared to get

  out and finish i hate

  cats say boss please lock the shift

  key tight some night

  i would like to tell the story of

  my life all in capital

  letters

  archy

  the stuff of literature

  thank your friends for me for

  all their good advice about how to

  work your typewriter but what i have

  always claimed is that manners and methods

  are no great matter compared

  with thoughts in poetry you cant hide

  gems of thought so they wont flash

  on the world on the other hand if you press

  agent poor stuff that wont make it live

  my ego will express itself in spite of

  all mechanical obstacles having something

  to say is the thing being sincere

  counts for more than forms of expression thanks

  for the doughnuts

  archy

  a meal for every goat

  archy s autobiography

  if all the verse what I have wrote

  were boiled together in a kettle

  twould make a meal for every goat

  from nome to popocatapetl

  mexico

  and all the prose what I have penned

  if laid together end to end

  would reach from russia to south bend

  indiana

  but all the money what I saved

  from all them works at which i slaved

  is not enough to get me shaved

  every morning

  and all the dams which i care

  if heaped together in the air

  would not reach much of anywhere

  they wouldnt

  because i dont shave every day

  and i write for arts sake anyway

  and always hate to take my pay

  i loathe it

  and all of you who credit that

  could sit down on an opera hat

  and never crush the darn thing flat

  you skeptics

  archy

  quote and only man is vile quote

  as a representative

  of the insect world

  i have often wondered

  on what man bases his claims

  to superiority

  everything he knows he has had

  to learn whereas we insects are born

  knowing everything we need to know

  for instance man had to invent

  airplanes before he could fly

  but if a fly cannot fly

  as soon as he is hatched

  his parents kick him out and disown him

  i should describe the human race

  as a strange species of bipeds

  who cannot run fast enough

  to collect the money

  which they owe themselves

  as far as government is concerned

  men after thousands of years practice

  are not as well organized socially

  as the average ant hill or beehive

  they cannot build dwellings

  as beautiful as a spiders web

  and i never saw a city

  full of men manage to be as happy

  as a congregation of mosquitoes

  who have discovered a fat man

  on a camping trip

  as far as personal beauty

  is concerned who ever saw

  man woman or child

  who could compete with a butterfly

  if you tell a dancer

  that she is a firefly

  she is complimented

  a musical composer

  is all puffed up with pride

  if he can catch the spirit

  of a summer night full of crickets

  man cannot even make war

  with the efficiency and generalship

  of an army of warrior ants

  and he has done little else

  but make war for centuries

  make war and wonder

  how he is going to pay for it

  man is a queer looking gink

  who uses what brains he has

  to get himself into trouble with

  and then blames it on the fates

  the only invention man ever made

  which we insects do not have

  is money and he gives up

  everything else to get money

  and then discovers that it is not worth

  what he gave up to get it

  in his envy he invents

  insect exterminators

  but in time every city he builds

  is eaten down by insects

  what i ask you is babylon now

  it is the habitation of fleas

  also nineveh and tyre

  humanitys culture consists

  in sitting down in circles

  and passing the word around

  about how darned smart humanity is

  i wish you would tell

  the furnace man at your house

  to put out some new brand

  of roach paste i do not get

  any kick any more out of the brand

  he has been using the last year

  formerly it pepped me up

  and stimulated me

  i have a strange tale about

  mehitabel to tell you

  more anon

  archy

  investigating her morals

  mehitabel s morals

  boss i got

  a message from

  mehitabel the cat

  the other day

  brought me by

  a cockroach

  she asks for our help

  it seems she is being

  held at ellis

  island while an

  investigation is made

  of her morals

  she left the country

  and now it looks as

  if she might not

  be able to get

  back in again

  she cannot see

  why they are

  investigating

  her morals she says

  wotthehellbill she says

  i never claimed

  i had any morals

  she has always regarded

  morals as an unnecessary

  complication in life

  her theory is

  that they take up room that might

  better be devoted to

  something more interesting

  live while you are alive

  she says and postpone

  morality to the hereafter

  everything in its place

  is my rule she says

  but i am liberal she

  says i do not give

  a damn how moral other

  people are i never try

  to interfere with them

  in fact i prefer them

  moral they furnish

  a background for my

  vivacity in the meantime

  it looks as if sh
e

  would have to swim

  if she gets ashore and

  the water is cold

  archy

  cream de la cream

  well boss mehitabel the cat

  has turned up again after a long

  absence she declines

  to explain her movements but she

  drops out dark hints of a

  most melodramatic nature ups and downs

  archy she says always ups and downs

  that is what my life has

  been one day lapping

  up the cream de la cream and the

  next skirmishing for

  fish heads in an alley but

  toujours gai archy toujours gai no

  matter how the luck broke i have had a

  most romantic life archy talk

  about reincarnation and transmigration

  archy why i could tell you things of who

  i used to be archy that would make

  your eyes stick out like a snails one

  incarnation queening it with a tarara on

  my bean as cleopatra archy and

  the next being abducted as a poor

  working girl but toujours gai archy toujours

  gai and finally my soul has migrated to

  the body of a cat and not even a persian or

  a maltese at that but where have you been

  lately mehitabel i asked her never mind

  archy she says dont ask no questions

  and i will tell no lies all i

  got to say to keep away

  from the movies have you been in the

  movies mehitabel i asked her never mind

  archy she says never mind all i got to

  say is keep away from those

  movie camps theres some mighty

  nice people and animals connected with them

  and then again theres some that aint i

  say nothing against anybody archy i am

  used to ups and downs no matter

  how luck breaks its toujours gai

  with me all i got to say

  archy is that sometimes a cat

  comes along that is a perfect gentleman and

  then again some of the slickest furred ones

  aint if i was a cat that was the

  particular pet of a movie star archy and

  slept on a silk cushion and had

  white Chinese rats especially

  imported for my meals i would try to live

  up to all that luxury and be a

  gentleman in word and deed mehitabel i said

  have you had another unfortunate romance i am

  making no complaint against any

  one archy she says wottell archy wottell even

  if the breaks is bad my motto is toujours gai