The Lives and Times of Archy and Mehitabel

by Don Marquis

  the thirty fourth street

  side of the

  Pennsylvania station

  he could not fall down as

  fast as it

  carried him up again but

  he was game he kept on

  trying he was

  stubborn about it

  evidently it was a part of

  his tradition habit and

  training always to fall down

  stairs when intoxicated and

  he did not intend to

  be defeated this time i

  watched him for an hour

  and moved sadly away thinking

  how much sorrow

  drink is responsible for the

  buns by great men

  reached and kept

  are not attained

  by sudden flight but they

  while their companions slept

  were falling upwards

  through the night

  archy

  an awful warning

  dear boss i was walking along

  the curbstone yesterday

  and i ran spang into an old bum

  who was sitting happily

  in the gutter singing

  in part as follows

  oh i ruined my prospects

  by wicked desires

  which i put into action

  as far as i could

  but now i ve arrived

  within sight of hell fires

  and i wish i d done better

  i wish i d been good

  as i sit in the gutter

  and look at the sky

  the man in the moon

  is a looking at me

  and i thinks to myself

  i d have risen that high

  if i had behaved myself

  proper as he

  now all you young fellows

  and pretty young janes

  as passes me by

  and dont pitch me a dime

  take warning by me

  and avoid all the pains

  which comes from remorse

  in the fullness of time

  and all you young fellows

  thats out on a bust

  and lively young flappers

  so spic and so span

  i oncet had a sweetheart

  and me she did trust

  to maintain myself always

  a proper young man

  i was lured to a barroom

  and there i was tempted

  for the bartender cried

  be a man and drink rum

  and after that first

  glass of liquor i emptied

  i found myself jobless

  and went on the bum

  now all you young fellows

  and flappers so gay

  that passes me by

  and dont toss me a cent

  there oncet was a time

  when i went on my way

  with ladylike janes

  like an elegant gent

  now i sits in the gutter

  and looks at the stars

  and wish i had always

  behaved and been good

  and never drunk rum

  at them elegant bars

  and never been wicked

  as much as i could

  you gents and your girl friends

  should tip an old man

  for his horrid example

  of not being good

  you must try and behave

  in so far as you can

  you should toss me a dime

  for my warning you should

  archy

  may emulate the tumble bug

  as it looks to archy

  ants go on their cheerful way

  merrily from day to day

  building cities out of sand

  and they seem to understand

  dwelling therein peacefully

  disciplined and orderly

  and the much lauded bee contrives

  for to fill his thundering hives

  with a ranked society

  based on work and honesty

  and a thousand neat examples

  could i cite of insect lives

  free from much that tears and tramples

  human beings and their wives

  even the coral in the ocean

  throughout his dim and damp existence

  scorns political commotion

  and labors with a glad persistence

  worthy of large commendations

  to erect his naval stations

  man the universal simp

  follows lagging with a limp

  treading on his neighbors toes

  the way the little insect goes

  in a million years or more

  man may learn the simple lore

  of how the bees are organized

  and why the ants are civilized

  may even hope for to approach

  the culture of an average roach

  if he is humble and not smug

  may emulate the tumble bug

  for we insects now inherit

  all humanity has builded

  all they raised with brawn and spirit

  all the domes and spires they gilded

  time the anthropophagous

  swallows down all human works

  through his broad esophagus

  moslems christians hindus turks

  pass to their sarcophagus

  leaving nothing much on earth

  which even beetles find of worth

  i mention nineveh and tyre

  i cite the tower of babel

  troy which fell into the fire

  and sodom with its rabble

  where are all the towns of siddim

  where the kings of crete

  long long since the desert hid em

  and the spiders bite their feet

  following an old convention

  dating back to jeremiah

  i might even mention

  babylon i might enquire

  where o where is babylon

  and the echo answers where

  for its former ruling wizards

  sleep in sand and silicon

  with gravel in their gizzards

  and sand burrs in their hair

  and the centipedes are dancing

  in the chambers of the palace

  where the kings and queens entrancing

  used to quaff the ruby chalice

  and proceed to their romancing

  i look forward to the day

  when the human race is done

  and we insects romp and play

  freely underneath the sun

  and no roach paste is scattered

  about anywhere i got another jolt of it

  last night and today i seem to have a case

  of intestinal flu the trouble with you

  human beings is you are just plain wicked

  archy

  one of our prominent scientists got a good look at it

  archy on the radio

  dear boss

  i hope you tuned in

  last evening when mars and i

  were on the radio together

  our first joint appearance

  in several years

  do you realize said mars

  that next week will be archy week

  all over mars

  and several other prominent planets

  archy

  good gracious mars it had slipped

  my memory

  mars

  do you know that you are

  our favorite author here and

  we all but worship you

  archy

  well mars as far as that goes

  you are one of my favorite planets

  mars

  what a coincidence

  archy

  the long arm of coincidence

  makes many radio connections

  mars

 
is that your own phrase archy

  archy

  mine until the next air program

  nowadays an author owns his stuff

  only between air programs

  mars

  did you know about the archy clubs here

  archy

  i hope they can t throw them this far

  what do they look like

  mars

  like dumbbells ha ha ha

  but please tell us how you happened

  to start your career as a writer

  archy

  it did not happen it was something

  i planned deliberately so i could quit

  being what i was

  mars

  explain please the stars are listening

  archy

  well you see i was the four marx brothers

  and it became annoying because

  i quarrelled among myself all the time

  so in order to end it all i turned

  author writing dante s inferno and

  mehitabel the cat

  mars

  what do you call that little planet

  where you are at

  archy

  well now what do you call it

  mars

  we call it goofus

  archy

  goofus goofus why goofus

  mars

  not long ago one of our prominent

  scientists got a good look at it

  with a new fangled telescope and

  he laughed himself to death crying out

  goofus goofus goofus all the time

  he said from the way it looked it couldn t

  be named anything else but goofus

  archy

  well if that s the way you feel who was

  that lady i seen you walking with last Sunday

  mars

  that wasn t no lady that was venus

  is there any particular message

  you would like to send your billions

  and billions of admirers in these parts

  archy

  oh yes tell them

  this hour is by the courtesy

  of the knockem cold roach and bug killing company

  and that i wish to testify

  that their product has several times

  brought me personally nearer the great adventure

  than any other roach paste i ever ate

  i always carry a flask of bath tub gin with me

  as an antidote

  mars

  will you describe yourself for your

  worshipers here

  archy

  i am over six feet and go everywhere

  mars

  who has influenced you most in a

  literary way

  archy

  theodore dreiser and bernard shaw

  they taught me how far an author can go

  if he never loses patience with himself

  mars

  archy it is impossible that you should

  not lose patience with yourself sometimes

  archy

  well i havent gone as far as they have either

  mars

  what are the conditions of life on your planet archy

  archy

  they practically dont exist any more

  mars

  but how do people get along

  archy

  the men make a living by talking

  about how much they have lost

  during the depression

  and the women and children pick up

  what they can by listening

  how is it by yourself old timer

  mars

  we never had to do any work here

  we get our living by biting electrons out of the air

  which we crack with our teeth

  and eat the kernels while we spit

  the shells into space which accounts

  for a lot of the static you hear

  archy

  that not only interests me as a scientist

  but it seems much more refined than

  working for a living

  mars

  yes it is refined all right but it is

  expensive it runs into terrible dentists bills

  archy

  but dentists bills are always terrible

  everywhere anyhow

  mars

  wait till i write that down please

  do you have to think a long time

  for those brilliant things

  or do they just come to you

  archy

  i never think at all when i write

  nobody can do two things at the same time

  and do them both well

  mars

  are you starting any new literary movements on your planet

  archy

  oh yes the latest literary movement

  consists in going to all the fences

  and coal sheds near all the school houses

  and copying off of them all the bad words

  written there by naughty little boys

  over the week ends

  and these form the bases of the new novels

  of course these novels are kept away

  from the young so they will not be contaminated

  mars

  but where do the boys get the words

  archy

  from hired hands and the classics

  archy

  i am in fact becoming a low brow

  archy a low brow

  boss i saw a picture

  of myself in a paper

  the other day

  writing on a typewriter

  with some of my feet

  i wish it was as easy

  as that what i have to do

  is dive at each key

  on the machine

  and bump it with my head

  and sometimes it telescopes

  my occiput into my

  vertebrae and i have a

  permanent callous

  on my forehead

  i am in fact becoming

  a low brow think of it

  me with all my learning

  to become a low brow

  hoping that you

  will remain the same

  i am as ever your

  faithful little bug

  archy

  mehitabel s parlor story

  boss did you

  hear about the two drunks

  who were riding in

  a ford or something

  equally comic

  and the ford or

  whatever it was nearly

  went off the

  road one of

  the drunks poked the

  other and said thickly

  they always talk thickly in

  these stories

  anyway he said hey look

  out how youre driving

  youll have us in

  the ditch in a minute if

  you dont look out

  why said the second

  drunk who was drunker

  i thought you

  were driving i got

  that from mehitabel the

  cat its the first parlor

  story ive ever heard

  her tell and ive known

  her for five or six

  years now

  archy

  archy s mission

  well boss i am

  going to quit living

  a life of leisure

  i have been an idler

  and a waster and a

  mere poet too long

  my conscience has waked up

  wish yours would do the same

  i am going to have

  a moral purpose in my life

  hereafter and a cause

  i am going to reclaim

  cockroaches and teach them

  proper ways of living

  i am going to see if i cannot

  reform insects in g
eneral

  i have constituted

  myself a missionary

  extraordinary

  and minister

  plenipotentiary

  and entomological

  to bring idealism to

  the little struggling brothers

  the conditions in the insect

  world today would shock

  american reformers

  if they knew about them

  the lives they lead

  are scarcely fit to print

  i cannot go into

  details but the contented

  laxness in which i find

  them is frightful

  a family newspaper is no place

  for these revelations

  but i am trying to have

  printed in paris

  for limited circulation

  amongst truly earnest

  souls a volume which will

  be entitled

  the truth about the insects

  i assure you there is nothing

  even in the old testament

  as terrible

  i shall be the cotton mather

  of the boll weevil

  archy

  you can fry fish on the sidewalk

  archy visits washington

  washington d c july

  23 well boss here

  i am in washington

  watching my step for fear