The Lives and Times of Archy and Mehitabel

by Don Marquis

  some one will push me

  into the food bill up

  to date i am the only thing

  in this country that

  has not been added to it by

  the time this is

  published nothing that

  i have said may be

  true however which is a

  thing that is constantly happening

  to thousands of

  great journalists now in

  washington it is so hot here that

  i get stuck in the asphalt

  every day on my

  way from the senate press

  gallery back to

  shoemakers where the

  affairs of the nation

  are habitually settled by

  the old settlers it

  is so hot that you can

  fry fish on the

  sidewalk in any part of

  town and many people

  are here with fish to fry

  including now

  and then a german

  carp i am lodging on

  top of the washington

  monument where i can

  overlook things

  you cant keep a good bug

  from the top of

  the column all the time i

  am taking my meals with

  the specimens in the

  smithsonian institution when i

  see any one coming i hold

  my breath and look like another

  specimen but in the

  capitol building there

  is no attention paid to me

  because there are so

  many other insects

  around it gives you a

  great idea of the

  american people when you

  see some of the

  things they elect after july

  27 address me care

  st elizabeth hospital

  for the insane i am going out

  there for a visit with

  some of your other

  contributors

  archy

  ballade of the under side

  by archy

  the roach that scurries

  skips and runs

  may read far more than those

  that fly

  i know what family skeletons

  within your closets

  swing and dry

  not that i ever

  play the spy

  but as in corners

  dim i bide

  i can t dodge knowledge

  though i try

  i see things from

  the under side

  the lordly ones the

  haughty ones

  with supercilious

  heads held high

  the up stage stiff

  pretentious guns

  miss much that meets

  my humbler eye

  not that i meddle

  perk or pry

  but i m too small

  to feel great pride

  and as the pompous world

  goes by

  i see things from

  the under side

  above me wheel

  the stars and suns

  but humans shut

  me from the sky

  you see their eyes as pure

  as nuns

  i see their wayward

  feet and sly

  i own and own it with

  a sigh

  my point of view

  is somewhat wried

  i am a pessimistic

  guy

  i see things from the

  under side

  l envoi

  prince ere you pull a bluff

  and lie

  before you fake

  and play the snide

  consider whether

  archy s nigh

  i see things from

  the under side

  archy wants to end it all

  well boss from time

  to time i just simply

  get bored with having

  to be a cockroach my

  soul my real ego if

  you get what i mean is

  tired of being shut

  up in an insects body the

  best you can say for it is that it

  is unusual and you could

  say as much for mumps so

  while feeling gloomy the

  other night the thought came

  to me why not

  go on to the next stage as

  soon as possible why not

  commit suicide and

  maybe be reincarnated in

  some higher form of life why

  not be the captain of my

  soul the master of my fate and

  the more i pondered over it the

  more i was attracted to

  the notion well boss you would

  be surprised to find

  out how hard it is for a

  cockroach to commit suicide unless

  you have been one

  and tried it of course i

  could let mehitabel the

  cat damage me and die that

  way but all my finer sensibilities

  revolt at the idea i jumped out

  the fourth story window and

  a wind caught me and blew

  me into the eighth story i

  tried to hang myself with a

  thread and i am so light i

  just swung back and forth and

  didnt even choke myself shooting

  is out of the question and poison

  is not within

  my reach i might drown myself

  in the ink well but if

  you ever got a mouthful of it you

  would know it was a

  thing no refined person could go

  on with boss i am going to

  end it all before long and i

  want to go easy have you

  any suggestion yours

  for transmigration

  archy

  book review

  boss a new book

  has appeared

  which should be

  read by every one

  it is entitled

  the cockroach

  its life history

  and how to deal

  with it and

  the author

  is frederick laing

  who is assistant

  in the department

  of entomology in the

  british museum

  of natural history

  it is one of the

  best books i ever

  tasted i am eating

  the binding from

  a copy with

  a great deal of

  relish and

  recommend it

  to all other

  insects yours

  truly

  archy

  he used to be a pet of charlemagne

  archy and the old un

  one of the saddest

  creatures i ever saw

  was a turtle who said

  he was a thousand

  years old

  no turtle looks very

  joyous the style of

  architecture peculiar

  to the faces and necks of

  turtles is such

  that even if they were to

  feel gay internally

  they would find difficulty

  in expressing their joy

  a kind of melancholy dwells

  in the wrinkles of a

  turtles neck the only thing

  that looks sadder than a turtle

  is the little dead fish

  that is served in an italian

  tabledhote restaurant

  well this turtle i am telling you

  about was so old that

  he used to be a pet

  of charlemagne

  and he finally committed suicide
<
br />   he stood on his hind

  legs and jumped up

  and bit himself on the

  forehead and held on until

  he died

  i wrote a poem

  about this turtle

  after his death

  which goes as follows

  why did he die perhaps he knew

  too much about

  the ways of men and turtles

  he had seen too much no doubt

  optimist in youth of course

  youth never quails

  he preached to all his brother turtles

  moral turtles turn to whales

  but the weary ages passed

  and he perceived

  turtles still continued turtles

  then he doubted disbelieved

  brooding for two hundred years

  in discontent

  he became a snapping turtle

  savage cynic in his bent

  timon of the turtle tribe

  so he withdrew

  from the world remarking often

  piffle there is nothing true

  nothing changes all the salt

  that used to be

  scattered widely through the ocean

  still gives flavor to the sea

  nothing changes all the bunk

  of long ago

  still is swallowed by the nations

  progress always stubs its toe

  the moral well the morals quite

  an easy one

  do not live to be a thousand

  youll be sorry ere youre done

  the only way boss

  to keep hope in the world

  is to keep changing its

  population frequently

  i am sorry to be so

  pessimistic today

  but you see i need a change

  very badly

  when do we start

  for hollywood

  i am eager to be gone

  i wish to cheer myself

  up in some fashion

  your faithful little

  cockroach

  archibald

  archygrams

  the wood louse sits on a splinter

  and sings to the rising sap

  aint it awful how winter

  lingers in springtimes lap

  it is a good

  thing not to be too

  aristocratic

  the oldest and

  most pedigreed

  families in this

  country are the

  occupants of various sarcophagi

  in the museums

  but it is dull associating

  with mummies no

  matter how royal their

  blood used to be when

  they had blood

  it is like living in

  philadelphia

  honesty is a good

  thing but

  it is not profitable to

  its possessor

  unless it is

  kept under control

  if you are not

  honest at all

  everybody hates you

  and if you are

  absolutely honest

  you get martyred.

  as i was crawling

  through the holes in

  a swiss cheese

  the other

  day it occurred to

  me to wonder

  what a swiss cheese

  would think if

  a swiss cheese

  could think and after

  cogitating for some

  time i said to myself

  if a swiss cheese

  could think

  it would think that

  a swiss cheese

  was the most important

  thing in the world

  just as everything that

  can think at all

  does think about itself

  these anarchists that

  are going to

  destroy organized

  society and civilization

  and everything remind

  me of an ant i

  knew one time

  he was a big red ant a

  regular bull of an

  ant and he came bulging down a

  garden path and ran

  into a stone gate post curses on

  you said the ant to the

  stone gate post get out of my

  way but the stone never budged

  i will kick you over

  said the ant and he kicked but

  it only hurt his hind legs

  well then said

  the ant i will eat you down and

  he began taking little bites

  in a great rage maybe i said

  you will do it in

  time but it will

  spoil your digestion first

  a good many

  failures are happy

  because they don t

  realize it many a

  cockroach believes

  himself as beautiful

  as a butterfly

  have a heart o have

  a heart and

  let them dream on

  boss i believe

  that the

  millennium will

  get here some day

  but i could

  compile quite a list

  of persons

  who will have

  to go

  first

  tis very seldom i have felt

  drawn to a scallop or a smelt

  and still more rarely do i feel

  love for the sleek electric eel

  the oyster is useful in his fashion

  but has little pride or passion

  when the proud ibexes start from sleep

  in the early alpine morns

  at once from crag to crag they leap

  alighting on their horns

  and may a dozen times rebound

  ere resting haughty on the ground

  i do not like their trivial pride

  nor think them truly dignified

  did you ever

  notice that when

  a politician

  does get an idea

  he usually

  gets it all wrong

  archy says

  one queer thing about

  spring gardens is

  that so many people

  use them to

  raise spinach in

  instead of food

  everybody has two kinds of friends

  one kind tries to run

  his affairs for him

  and the other kind

  well i will be darned if i can remember

  the other kind

  now and then

  there is a person born

  who is so unlucky

  that he runs into accidents

  which started out to happen

  to somebody else

  what kind of angels are they out there

  sings of los angeles

  boss i see by

  the papers there

  has been more than

  one unconventional

  episode

  in the far west

  and i have made

  a little song

  as follows

  los angeles

  los angeles

  the home of the movie star

  what kind of angels

  are they

  out there where you are

  los angeles

  los angeles

  much must be left

  untold

  but science says

  that freuds rush in

  where angels

  fear to tread

  los angeles

  los angeles

  clean up your

  movie game

  or else o city of angels

  you better

  change your name

  yours for all the morality

>   that the traffic

  will bear

  archy

  wants to go in the movies

  boss i wish you would

  make arrangements to put me

  into the movies a

  lot of people who are no

  handsomer in the face than i

  am are drawing millions of

  dollars a year i

  have always felt that i

  could act if i

  were given the chance and a

  truly refined cockroach might

  be a novelty but do not pay

  any attention to the

  wishes of mehitabel the cat along

  this line mehitabel

  told me the other day that several

  firms were bidding against

  each other for her

  services i would be the greatest

  feline vamp in the

  history of the screen said

  mehitabel wot the hell archy

  wot the hell ain t i a

  reincarnation of cleopatra and

  dont the vamp stuff come quite

  natural to me i will say it

  does but i have refused all

  offers archy up to

  date they must pay me

  my price the

  truth is that mehitabel hasnt a

  chance and she is not a

  steady character by the way

  here is a piece of political news

  for you mehitabel tells me that

  the cats in greenwich

  village and the adjoining

  neighborhoods are forming soviets now

  they are going in for bolshevism

  her soviet she says

  meets in washington mews

  they are for the nationalization

  of all fish markets

  archy

  140 degrees

  the retreat from hollywood

  Archy, the Free Verse Cockroach, and Mehitabel the Cat, are on their way back from Hollywood, hitch-hiking. Mehitabel was forcibly ejected at least twice from every moving-picture studio in Hollywood, and nourishes animosity against the art of the cinema. Archy reports that when they left Hollywood Mehitabel and seven platinum-blonde kittens, who were attempting to follow her across the desert … but here is the latest bulletin from Archy:

  mehitabels third kitten succumbed

  to a scorpion today

  poor little thing she said

  i suppose the next one will perish

  in a sandstorm and the next one

  fall into the colorado river

  it breaks my heart i am all