The Lives and Times of Archy and Mehitabel

by Don Marquis

new deals and old deals and square deals and ideals

  as the spiders wrote it

  dear boss i met a spider

  the other day in a museum

  who gave me a good deal to think

  about concerning governmental problems

  this spider came of a long line of spiders

  who had for thousands of years

  inhabited the egyptian pyramids

  and the american branch of the family

  came over in a sarcophagus

  along with the mummy

  of one of the pharaohs

  the ancient world saw all sorts

  of governmental experiments

  he said including monarchies

  republics communes despotisms

  democracies and everything else

  but in the end the spiders got them all

  thousands and thousands of years of

  reforms and recoveries and depressions

  and new deals and old deals

  and square deals and crooked deals

  and ideals and idealists

  are wound around with spider webs

  all the history of human kind

  is written in the clots and filaments

  and quaint patterns and ideographs

  of spiders

  it has been my observation

  and experience and that of my family

  that nothing human works out well

  if you could read the writing

  in the spider webs

  you could understand the history of

  human civilizations and understand

  that man always fails because he

  is not honest enough to succeed

  there are not enough men

  continuously on the square with

  themselves and with other men

  the system of government does not matter

  so much the thing that matters

  is what men do with any kind of system

  they happen to have

  many a time a strand of cobweb

  has seemed to choke a burly empire to death

  but the fact is that it was strangling anyhow

  it was hanging itself in its own

  crookedness and incompetence

  there is no hope for human beings

  unless they learn to organize their

  social order as efficiently as spiders do

  to say nothing of ants and bees

  and coral insects

  archy

  a scarab

  A cockroach seventy-four years old has been found in a safe in Atchison—that is, Atchison claims that it is seventy-four years old. We referred this matter to Archy and he informed us:

  i doubt if that

  is really a cockroach

  it sounds to me

  more like an

  egyptian scarab

  cockroaches do not live

  that long as a rule

  i am the oldest

  cockroach i know

  and i am only sixty-three come

  next michaelmas that is

  in my present

  incarnation

  sell the glasses and make an additional pro fix

  archy hunts a job

  well boss i went up

  to the circus

  the other day

  and tried to hire

  out what do you

  want they asked me a

  job as an animal

  or a job as an artist

  an artist said i

  what can you do they

  said i can

  walk the wire i said

  either tight or slack

  and i can swing

  head downward from the

  flying trapeze we do not

  doubt it they said

  but who could see

  you at a distance

  every one said i if you

  gave them telescopes

  and opera glasses it

  is too expensive said they

  to furnish opera

  glasses to every one

  just to see a cockroach

  perform not at all

  i said you sell the

  glasses and make an

  additional profit

  you go out and hire

  yourself out to a

  trained flea outfit

  said they we cannot use

  you i consider it

  an insult i replied to

  be classed with

  fleas you should consider

  it a compliment said they

  another word from you

  i said and i

  wrill die in a barrel

  of your lemonade and

  queer your show

  and with this threat

  the interview closed

  archy

  archy craves amusement

  well boss

  i am getting the

  sandwich now but man

  cannot live by buns alone

  as the old soak will

  learn some day what i want

  is amusement i want

  to go to the theater at least

  once a week from now on

  theaters are made

  so that those who want to forget

  will remember

  and those who want to remember

  will forget

  but i think we need them

  as much for fun as

  for uplift

  archy

  fate is unfair

  in many places here and

  there

  i think that fate

  is quite unfair

  yon centipede upon

  the floor

  can boast of

  tootsies by the score

  consider my

  distressing fix

  my feet are limited

  to six

  did i a hundred

  feet possess

  would all that glorious

  footfulness

  enable me

  to stagger less

  when i am

  overcome by heat

  or if i had

  a hundred feet

  would i

  careering oer the floor

  stagger

  proportionately more

  well i suppose

  the mind serene

  will not tell

  destiny its mean

  the truly

  philosophic mind

  will use

  such feet as it can find

  and follow calmly

  fast or slow

  the feet it has

  where eer they go

  archy

  at the zoo

  speaking of the aquarium i

  was up at the zoo the

  other day and when i saw all

  the humans staring at

  the animals i grew thankful that

  i am an insect and

  not an animal it must be

  very embarrassing to

  be looked at all the time by an

  assorted lot of human beings and

  commented upon as if

  one were a freak the animals find the

  humans just as strange and silly looking

  as the humans find the

  animals but they

  cannot say so and the fact that

  they cannot say so

  makes them quite angry the leopard

  told me that was one thing that

  made the wild cat wild as for

  himself he says there is

  one gink that comes every day and looks

  and looks and looks at him i

  think said the leopard he

  is waiting to see if i ever really do

  change my spots

  archy

  no true friend

  listen to me that

  fellow who was in to see

  you the other day bulling you


  about your stuff

  is no true friend you got

  so proud of yourself on

  account of what he

  said you gave him a copy

  of your book and

  autographed it for him i thought

  he was a shine so

  i hopped into the

  cuff of his trousers and

  went out with him

  he sold that book for

  ten cents at a second

  hand place and

  treated himself to a

  drink on the river front

  he cursed because if

  you had not written your name

  in the book he might

  have got fifteen cents for

  it he said you are an

  easy mark

  archy

  confessions of a glutton

  after i ate my dinner then i ate

  part of a shoe

  i found some archies by a bathroom pipe

  and ate them too

  i ate some glue

  i ate a bone that had got nice and ripe

  six weeks buried in the ground

  i ate a little mousie that i found

  i ate some sawdust from the cellar floor

  it tasted sweet

  i ate some outcast meat

  and some roach paste by the pantry door

  and then the missis had some folks to tea

  nice folks who petted me

  and so i ate

  cakes from a plate

  i ate some polish that they use

  for boots and shoes

  and then i went back to the missis swell tea party

  i guess i must have eat too hearty

  of something maybe cake

  for then came the earthquake

  you should have seen the missis face

  and when the boss came in she said

  no wonder that dog hangs his head

  he knows hes in disgrace

  i am a well intentioned little pup

  but sometimes things come up

  to get a little dog in bad

  and now i feel so very very sad

  but the boss said never mind old scout

  time wears disgraces out

  pete the pup

  literary jealousy

  dear boss i dont see

  why you keep that ugly

  boston bull terrier pete

  hanging around

  eating his head off

  in these hard times

  he is nothing but a parasite

  and he has no morals

  he has tried several times

  to murder me

  archy

  When this ill-natured remark was read to Pete the Pup he ambled over to the typewriter, got up on his hind legs and pawed out the following reply:

  i coNSIder It beneath

  my Dignity to reply

  to The sLanders of a Jealous

  iNsect who does not

  have a pUnctuaTION mark

  in a baRRel of him

  he is MereLY an archy

  i am against anarchy

  I AM A CAPITALIST

  i wish to remind you however

  that ONE STORY WHICH

  YOU SOLD ABOUT ME BROUGHT

  IN ENOUGH MONEY TO FEED ME

  FOR FIVE YEARS AND I DENY

  THAT I AM A PARASITE

  moreover the time is

  coming when you have to choose

  between ME AND mehitabel

  that lousy cat and when i say

  LOusy i do not Mean the word

  in iTS sLang SENSE

  I mean Lousy in the sense of

  a CAT wHo has LICE

  pete the pup

  pete at the seashore

  i ran along the yellow sand

  and made the sea gulls fly

  i chased them down the waters edge

  i chased them up the sky

  i ran so hard i ran so fast

  i left the spray behind

  i chased the flying flecks of foam

  and i outran the wind

  an airplane sailing overhead

  climbed when it heard me bark

  i yelped and leapt right at the sun

  until the sky grew dark

  some little children on the beach

  threw sticks and ran with me

  o master let us go again

  and play beside the sea

  pete the pup

  pete s theology

  god made seas to play beside

  and rugs to cover dogs

  god made cars for holidays

  and beetles under logs

  god made kitchens so thered be

  dinners to eat and scraps

  god made beds so pups could crawl

  under them for naps

  god made license numbers so theyd find

  lost pups and bring them home

  god made garbage buckets too

  to pry in when you roam

  god made tennis shoes to chew

  and here and there a hat

  but i cant see why god should make

  mehitabel the cat

  pete the pup

  and the cops watching all the time

  pete petitions

  when we are in the city we must walk

  on streets all made of stone

  with me upon a leash

  and even in the park

  i must not frisk or lark

  and never run alone

  without a muzzle on my jaws

  and cops are watching all the time

  lest i dig with my claws

  and break some of their laws

  and if i leap and bark

  they act like i was bad

  master i want some little towns

  like we saw from the car

  with meadows all about

  where children romp and shout

  brooks winding in and out

  and nice bugs under stones

  gardens to bury bones

  and room to rip and race

  and birds and cats to chase

  trash cans to be tipped over

  and grass to lie in and deep clover

  and fence posts everywhere

  no muzzles and no leashes there

  and lots and lots of trees

  o master buy a little town

  where we can settle down

  today o master please

  buy me a little town

  and a new rubber ball

  and an ocean and thats all

  right now o master please

  pete the pup

  pete s holiday

  we found a hill all green with grass

  and cool with clover bloom

  where bees go booming as they pass

  boom zoom boom

  my master took me in the car

  and high upon the hill

  we lay and stared up at the clouds

  until the day grew chill

  and moths came floating from the sky

  and shadows stroked the ground

  and we lay still and stared and stared

  and what do you think we found

  we found a star between the clouds

  upon the edge of night

  but when i jumped and barked at it

  it hid itself in fright

  then we drove back to town again

  with my head on his lap

  it tires a dog to scare a star

  and then he needs a nap

  my master is the same as god

  when he thumps with his hand

  people bring us hamburg steaks

  at any eating stand

  o master let us go right now

  and find another star

  and eat another hamburg steak

  at a refreshment bar

  pete the pup

  a radical flea

  dear boss i wish you would speak

  to that lazy good for
nothing

  boston bull terrier of yours

  whom you call pete

  pete has got the idea lately

  that he is a great hunter

  i saw him stage a dramatic battle

  with a grass hopper yesterday

  and he nearly won it too

  and this morning he made an entirely

  unprovoked attack on me

  it was only by retreating into

  the mechanism of your typewriter

  that i saved my life

  some day i will set mehitabel on him

  she can lick any bull terrier who ever lived

  she will make ribbons out of that pete

  and they wont be dog show ribbons either

  as for his pretensions to being a thoroughbred

  i take no stock in them

  i asked a flea of his about it

  recently and the flea said

  i doubt peters claim to aristocracy

  very much he does not look like

  an aristocrat to me

  and more than that he does not taste like one

  i have bit some pretty swell dogs

  in my time and i ought to know

  if pete is an aristocrat

  then i am a bengal tiger

  but in hard times like these

  a flea has got to put up with

  any kind of dog he can get hold of

  back in 1928 when things were booming

  i wouldnt look at anything

  but a dachshund with a pedigree

  as long as himself

  if the government doesnt start

  to putting out a better brand of dogs

  at federal expense

  a lot of us fleas are going

  to turn communist in a big way

  if there was any justice in this country

  they would give us russian wolf hounds

  i find a lot of discontent among

  insects in these days

  archy

  archy and the labor troubles

  all right boss

  i knuckle under

  if you will not

  pay me anything

  for what i write

  then you will not

  i will return to the job

  just to keep james the spider

  out of it but all the

  same it is cruel of you

  to play upon the

  jealousies

  and susceptibilities

  of artists in that fashion

  i do not know how

  you expect me to be

  merry and bright

  with this dull ache

  of disillusionment at my