The Lives and Times of Archy and Mehitabel

by Don Marquis

  heart and the sharp

  pang of hunger

  in my stomach

  some day i will plunge

  into a mince pie

  and mingle with its elements

  and you will never see

  me more and then

  maybe you will begin

  to appreciate

  the poor little cockroach

  who slaved that you might

  live in comfort

  maybe in spite of myself

  i will haunt you then

  if i were you i would hate

  to be haunted by the ghost

  of a cockroach

  think of it boss

  everywhere you looked

  to see a spectral cockroach

  that none but you knew was

  there to pick him from

  your shirt front when

  others were blind to him

  to feel him crawling

  on your collar in public

  places to be compelled

  to brush him from your plate

  when you sat down to dine

  to pluck him always from the glass

  before you dared to drink

  to extend your hand

  to grab that of some fair

  lady and then hesitate and

  pick him from her wrist

  people would begin to think

  you were a little

  queer boss and if you

  attempted to explain

  they would think you still

  queerer what in the world

  is the matter with you

  they would say

  oh nothing nothing at all

  you would answer

  plucking at the air

  it will soon pass i merely

  thought i saw a cockroach

  on your nose madam

  suspicions of your sanity

  would grow and grow

  do you not like that

  pudding your hostess would ask

  and you would murmur

  being taken off your guard

  it is very good pudding

  indeed i was just

  trying not to eat

  the cockroach

  boss i do not make

  any threats at all

  i just simply state what

  may very well happen to

  you through remorse if you

  drive me to suicide

  i will try not to

  haunt you boss because

  i am loving and forgiving

  in my spirit but who

  knows that i will not be

  compelled to haunt you

  in spite of myself

  a hard heart will not get

  you anything boss

  remember the plagues

  of egypt perhaps to

  your remorseful mind i

  will be multiplied

  by millions i am giving

  you a last chance to

  repent you should be glad

  that i am only a cockroach

  and not a tarantula

  yours prophetically

  archy

  an ultimatum

  boss this is my

  ultimatum unless you have

  made arrangements

  for more regular meals for

  me by monday

  september 18 i will

  quit you cold and go out and

  live in a

  swiss cheese i have nothing

  to arbitrate

  archy

  no snap

  say boss its a good

  thing for you

  that you dont pay me any wages for

  the stuff i write

  for you if you did

  i would have to have them raised all

  these strikes are getting

  me feverish and excited one of

  my long pieces in your column

  often costs me twelve or

  fifteen hours of steady

  labor and i am drowsy

  all the next day butting these

  keys with my head is no snap boss

  anything i got for it would

  be underpaying me i wish you would

  buy a pear and leave it under the

  metal typewriter case where the rats

  cant get to it

  archy

  he gets in bad

  say boss i had

  a great idea last night i thought

  if i could operate a

  typewriter why not a

  linotype machine i went down into

  the composing room

  and started to hop from key to key

  and a guy said to me wheres

  your union card

  get out of here or you will get

  into the paper

  in a way you dont like you will

  get a nice hot bath

  in that little pot of type metal do

  you get me you may con the editorial

  staff but no unpunctuated

  gink can sling his joshbillingsgate

  around here see

  raus or i will spread you on

  the minutes and not charge

  any overtime for it

  either so i came away

  archy

  and i would like a little automobile

  economic

  boss i should like

  to discuss one or two

  business matters with you

  quite seriously

  in the first place i need

  some sort of head gear such as

  football players wear

  i have to butt each

  key of the typewriter

  with my head

  and i am developing

  callouses on my brain

  these callouses on my

  brain are making me cruel

  and careless in my thoughts

  i am becoming brutal

  almost human

  in my writings

  and then i would like

  a little automobile

  i have to go from place

  to place so much

  picking up news for you

  a clock work one would do

  with a chauffeur to keep it

  wound up for me

  and a lightning bug to

  sit in front and be

  the headlight on dark nights

  i hate to mention food boss

  it seems so sordid

  and plebeian but i no longer

  find any left over crusts

  of sandwiches in your

  waste paper basket i am

  forced to haunt the

  restaurants and hotels for food

  and this is at the

  imminent risk of my life

  unless i get these things

  i will quit you on

  november first is not the

  laborer worthy of his hire

  yours for economic justice

  and a living wage

  archy

  archy revolts

  We have received the following communication from Archy:

  i refuse to endorse

  the idea of

  an archy week

  which you have advertised

  in your column

  i will not march

  down fifth avenue

  at the head of any

  procession

  i will not take part

  in any silly celebration

  i am a serious artist

  i do not exploit

  myself and i shall not

  permit myself to be exploited

  i do the best work

  i am capable of

  and i do not care

  for any contact with the

  public except upon

  the printed page

  i shall not go on

  lecture tours

  or attend dinners

  or
soul and uplift fights

  i do not care to

  have persons whose opinions

  i do not respect

  telling me that they admire

  my work and have so yearned

  to meet me

  i refuse to act as the bait

  at affairs

  where social and literary

  climbers hope to

  attract celebrities

  by advertising that

  i am one of the guests of honor

  i shall neither

  write nor speak

  nor allow my name to be used

  for the benefit

  of causes that i do not care

  a damn about

  i shall not answer letters

  from persons who write to me

  for no other object

  than to have me answer

  their letters

  my time when i am not working

  is my own

  my work is all that

  the public is entitled to know

  about me

  it is all the public pays for

  i shall not

  allow my name to be used

  by committees

  that are framing

  up organizations of one kind

  or another

  because i do not care

  whether there is

  another organization

  of any sort ever comes

  into existence in the world

  i shall not spend money

  having photographs taken

  to give away to people

  who are too stingy

  to buy them from

  photographers but hope

  to graft them off of me

  you can take

  your archy week

  and go and jump off the dock

  with it tucked

  under your arm

  and i shall stand on shore

  and watch you and it

  sink for the third time

  with a smile on my face

  now that you know

  where you get off

  please go and get off there

  i am a serious artist

  i repeat

  and will have nothing

  to do with any

  of the current form

  of cheap publicity

  archy

  archy wants a change

  well boss the time

  has come when

  you and i

  will have to have

  some kind of a

  showdown

  for years i have been

  working for you

  and doing a large

  share of your work

  without getting a cent

  of pay for it

  some of your best

  ideas have been my ideas and you have

  not given me

  credit for them

  you have not even

  fed me boss

  for two years now

  formerly you used to

  eat sandwiches in

  your office and

  i could get a crumb

  now and then from

  the waste basket

  but since you have been

  trying to reduce

  your weight

  for the tenth time

  in three years you

  no longer eat

  in the office i have

  been your faithful

  slave and you have made a thousand

  promises to me and

  kept none of them

  when i went on strike

  for my rights

  you did not take it

  seriously

  now i have determined

  to quit you unless

  you do something for

  me i want to go

  to paris i have

  always wanted to go

  to paris and i

  demand that you

  take me and take

  me soon otherwise i will

  leave you flat

  a word to the

  wise is sufficient

  archy

  Needless to say, we shall ignore this preposterous demand on the part of Archy. If he wants to quit us, it be good riddance of bad rubbish.

  archy on strike

  We have received a communication from Archy, who went on strike forty-eight hours ago, desiring us to state that he is not backed by any association of contributors but that he is striking on his own initiative. We think it is only fair to the poor misguided cockroach to give his statement to the public. We do not print it as a contribution from him, because, until he has formally withdrawn the outrageous demands which he made upon us the other day, no article signed by him shall appear ever again. To print signed articles by him would be, in effect, to recognize his organization; and this we shall never do.

  We present an article by a new cockroach named Henry. Henry has not had as much practice at the typewriter keyboard as Archy, and he manages to hit a capital letter now and then, without always being able to hit the right capital; but we can assure our readers that he is learning rapidly. Henry is at least trying to punctuate; Archy always made the contention that no cockroach could ever learn to punctuate and refused to try. Archy’s failure to punctuate influenced a great many persons against him. Henry may be a little more difficult than Archy was, for a few days, but he is ambitious and in the end he will be better than Archy.

  We present Henry:

  a communication from henry

  well, be asTH,is is? seerious

  allthis labor dis CONtent

  I wonders wHere IT wiLL enD

  i sh ould not

  CarE toprophesy?

  but the greaTest dePrivation i

  feel, is in t he Loss OF thE

  suBway sUn i usEd 2 GET a LL

  my NEWS froM the Subway suN but,

  siNce the subWAY has stop ped.

  ruNNINg iaM at a LosS!

  How wiLl We kNow the strike has

  ended, if weDo noT reAd IT in

  thesubwaY Sun

  And How wilL we Read thesubwAY

  suN unleSS The sTrike

  ends. i WISH u would watcH

  mehitaBEL the CAT? she IS

  jEalous anD soRe because i

  haVE taken arcHy?s j oB

  And calLS me a scaB and

  Last niGht tried to

  eat me i deMAND poLice proTectioN?

  heNry!

  All statements made by Mehitabel the Cat, with regard to the strike of Archy, are to be viewed with suspicion. Her statement that she is herself on strike is false on the face of it, as Mehitabel has never been employed by this column, although she has occasionally been interviewed for it.

  It seems not improper to state that Archy, himself, is picketing the office, and last evening when Henry left work Archy stopped him and made threats against him. Henry is very well able to take care of himself, but we have asked for a special police detail to protect him.

  If Archy introduces the element of violence into the strike, he will be severely dealt with!

  how the public viewed the strike

  SIR: Now that Archy is gone, you may be able to get out a readable column again.—R.P.

  SIR: Unless you can fix it up with Archy, count me off the subscription list. I hate to hurt anybody’s feelings, but I would rather see you take a long vacation yourself than to lose Archy.—WALT.

  SIR: Unless you accede to Archy’s just demands all your readers will go on a sympathetic strike. It matters not about the other contributors. Let C. B. Gilbert, Benjamin DeCasseres, and Clinton Scollard go. Or go yourself. But we gotter have Archy.—ELIZABETH.

  SIR: There are three ways that the deplorable strike of Archy may end:

  He may win.

  You may win.

  Or the pair of you may compromise.

  I must say that I was horrified at the brutal capitali
stic attitude taken up by you towards one of the brightest ornaments of modern American literature.—F.J.C.

  poem from henry

  liFe is Not aLL jazz and Joy)

  sMiles and suNNy weaTher!

  EVERy golD has it’S aLloy!

  toHOld tHe Stuff together!

  !if LUCk is good! why maN aliVE!

  weLcoMe iT! And ch eer iT!

  buT if THE drinK’S two seven five

  Try to griN! AND beer iT!

  heNry!

  Henry strikes us as being, on the whole, more cheerful than Archy.

  As Henry left work last evening, he was attacked by a strange cockroach, no doubt a thug in the employ of Archy, who has been hanging about the building ever since Henry went on the job. The strange cockroach was easily disposed of, and Archy did not show himself in person.

  We repeat what we said yesterday: If Archy is foolish enough to introduce violence into this strike, he will get his fill of it.

  It has been reported to us that Archy has been drinking wood alcohol and is working himself into a rage against Henry. Candidly, we expect the worst. But the column is not to be intimidated.

  progress of the strike

  There is no offering from Henry today. Henry has disappeared. Frankly, we fear that Henry has been foully dealt with by a gang of rowdy cockroaches in the employ of Archy.

  The column made an attempt at an early hour this morning to put another cockroach named Ernatz to work. Ernatz arrived at the office and succeeded in getting as far as the typewriter, but there he collapsed. An examination showed that Ernatz had been badly beaten up by the Archy faction in getting through the picket lines.

  These picket lines have been extended by Archy and his gang until they now reach from the Press Club at Spruce and William up Spruce Street to Nassau, and down Nassau to what used to be the Umbrella Bar at the corner of Nassau and Beekman. We were informed today by an excited friend that he had seen thousands and thousands and thousands of cockroaches, led by Archy, hiding by the curbstones picketing this district, and that it seemed to him that they were maddened by benzine or something. They had chased him, he said, and he was so extraordinarily vivid and convincing in his recital and in his fright that we fancied, as he talked, that we could actually smell the benzine or something.

  The column’s cockroach service has been interrupted for one day; but it will be resumed. We ask the public to be patient. As far as taking Archy back is concerned, that is now an impossibility; we are done with that ingrate forever.

  a threat

  We found on our desk this morning the following threat from the Archy faction, which we publish to show the public the length to which this creature is willing to go: