The Lives and Times of Archy and Mehitabel

by Don Marquis

  archy gets restless again

  dear boss after thinking

  over the terms of our temporary

  settlement i

  am forced to admit i

  got the short end of the

  deal you are a true diplomat and

  a modest one at that but i want

  you to know that your admission

  to your readers in conceding me

  a moral victory does not

  suffice to fill an empty

  stomach and nobody can work

  without food so i am forced to

  submit as the two chief subjects for

  consideration in the final settlement the

  necessity not only for deciding the

  amount of salary but also a generous

  allowance of food and good

  food at that because since i

  agreed to return to work i

  met an old friend who took me to

  a place where a lot of

  nice people of the community

  councils are distributing relief

  food and by simply hiding in the

  parcels that go out there are

  lots of chances to get into all

  kinds of fine homes we took a chance

  and sneaked into one box of canned

  goods and were placed in a fine

  automobile that took us

  to a swell house on the drive where

  they have a pastry cook of their own and

  we had the pastry all to our

  selves and feasted on delicacies of

  all sorts so half a piece of pie is

  no longer any treat for me and

  i can get acquainted with

  some very aristocratic

  cockroaches besides just by

  attending food sales and i

  am cultivating a taste for fancy

  eatables that neither pie nor

  25 per cent increase will satisfy

  archy

  It looks as if this Archy were getting ready to ask for more, no matter what we give him.

  How human some cockroaches are!

  say

  maybe those guys

  who are always

  urging you

  onward towards labor

  and toil

  and work and industry

  just simply need

  the money

  your work produces

  archy

  seldom do i meet a person who will hold still long enough for me to get a meal

  the cockroaches are not

  the only insects

  that are demanding more

  consideration

  i met a flea

  last evening who

  told me that he had come

  into contact with

  a great deal of unrest

  lately and a mosquito remarked

  to me only this

  morning there is darned

  little justice in this world the

  way the human beings

  run it seldom do i

  meet a person who will hold

  still long

  enough for me to get a meal

  archy

  archy triumphs

  thank you for the

  advice to go and get

  some of this

  government food i do

  not want to start all

  over again

  any controversy that has

  been temporarily

  settled but may i not

  ask how

  archy

  well boss the time has

  arrived for our permanent

  settlement i propose

  a plum plan

  once a week i want a

  pint jar of plum preserves

  with bread and butter

  and all the fixings that

  go with them answer at once

  i refuse to arbitrate

  archy

  We yield. We consider ourself lucky that Archy does not demand full ownership and control of the column. We yield while the yielding is still good.

  boss i see by the

  papers that there is

  one income tax slacker who

  owes 14 800 000 dollars lest

  there be any possibility of

  mistake i wish to state

  publicly that i am not the

  person the salary i receive for

  my writings in the column

  falls considerably below that

  figure even in good

  years yours for

  vers libre as usual

  archy

  yes we have

  i heard a good

  story the other

  day boss

  i wonder if

  you have heard it stop

  me if you have wont you

  it seems that

  two cabbies in london

  had had a bad day

  it was raining

  like anything and

  neither one of them

  had picked up a

  fare in hours

  have you heard it

  they were driving along

  side by side

  bloodying their luck

  when suddenly an old lady

  came out of a house

  and signaled to them

  do you know it

  they both stepped on the gas

  neither of them had picked up a fare

  and made

  a mad dash for her

  arriving at the same time

  they drew

  up before her

  shes mine shouted one of

  them at the top of his

  lungs

  im rotten at this

  cockney dialect

  like ell she

  is shes mine hollered

  the other

  garn howled his rival

  i seen the old bitch

  first didnt i lady

  archy

  a wail from little archy

  i can walk on six feet

  or i can walk

  on four feet

  maybe if i tried hard enough

  i could walk on two feet

  but i cannot

  walk on five feet

  or on three feet

  or any odd number of feet

  it slews me around

  so that i go catercornered

  i mention this because

  of my present

  distressing condition

  you have not fed

  me lately let alone paying

  me anything and

  last night while eating

  an apple core

  in your waste paper basket

  three of my feet

  froze fast to it and are

  useless at present writing

  i wish you would

  give me a set of galoshes

  for my annual salary i

  do not expect

  real food from you any more

  you always treat me

  as if i were a constituent

  and you were a politician

  that my vote had just

  elected to office

  i dont know why i keep on

  working for you

  it is either a habit or a vice

  archy

  doing well

  as i was

  crawling through

  a shoe store the

  other day i

  heard two pairs of shoes

  talking to each other

  well says the

  first pair

  you neednt feel

  so smart

  you have been

  marked down from

  twenty dollars to sixteen

  while i have been marked

  down from twenty one

  dollars to

  eighteen dollars

  well said the

&n
bsp; second pair i

  make no claims to

  superiority but

  i will say i think

  we are both doing

  damned well for

  five dollar shoes

  archy

  takes talent

  there are two

  kinds of human

  beings in the world

  so my observation

  has told me

  namely and to wit

  as follows

  firstly

  those who

  even though they

  were to reveal

  the secret of the universe

  to you would fail

  to impress you

  with any sense

  of the importance

  of the news

  and secondly

  those who could

  communicate to you

  that they had

  just purchased

  ten cents worth

  of paper napkins

  and make you

  thrill and vibrate

  with the intelligence

  archy

  summer is icumen in

  my scouts

  from all over

  the country tell

  me that it is

  getting along

  towards the time

  of year

  when plump ladies

  sit around

  on the verandas

  of summer hotels

  and boarding houses

  and swap

  interesting yarns

  about the times

  they have been

  under the knife

  of the surgeon

  archy

  greetings old feather duster said i

  archy climbs everest

  may fifteenth nineteen

  thirty five started climbing

  mount everest early this morning

  met the maharajah of nepal one hundred feet up

  greetings old feather duster said i

  that is not a feather duster he said

  that is

  stop i cried dont you tell me

  that is your wife

  that is my beard he said

  i accept the apology i said

  quick as a flash

  may sixteen at one thousand feet

  i met an avalanche coming down

  as i was going up

  we compromised and this morning

  i am starting all over again

  dancing on the avalanche

  as it skidded towards sea level

  were two strange figures

  prancing on their hind legs

  whom i identified as the dalai lama

  mehitabel once was a Hindu nun

  and mehitabel the cat

  they were singing in part as follows

  oh the lama here

  is a son of a gun

  and mehitabel once

  was a hindu nun

  skip skip my himalaya honey

  the rarefied air

  of the mountain side

  has completely withered

  the lamas pride

  hike hike my himalaya honey

  if the bottom of the hills

  were placed at the top

  when we wanted to go up

  wed merely have to drop

  drill drill my himalaya honey

  may seventeen oh lord

  the maharajah of nepal

  is following me with a squirt gun

  full of insect poison

  here comes another avalanche

  archy

  archy on everest

  may eighteenth fifteen

  thousand feet up on mount

  everest today i caught a ride

  on an airplane going my way

  everyone i meet is all hopped up

  with the altitude

  caught up with the maharajah of nepal

  gaily hopping over the snow and ice

  bare legged i said to him

  hello spinach face are you starting

  a nudist colony up here

  and he replied

  an avalanche

  tore off my panche

  and left me feeling funny

  but we never rest

  on everest

  my himalaya honey

  yes i says but who was that lady

  i seen you walking with

  a mile or so below

  that wasnt no lady he says quick as a flash

  that was the taj mahal

  skipping along ahead of us were

  the dalai lama and mehitabel the cat

  mehitabel had written in the snow

  send a message to my public

  in america please archy give them

  love and kittens from mehitabel

  and the dalai lama

  may nineteenth spent the day

  riding up in airplanes

  and coasting down on avalanches

  if you dont know anything about asia

  it would surprise you how much traffic

  there is in the himalayas

  may twentieth twenty thousand feet up

  overtook a bum who says he is

  nicholas romanoff formerly czar

  of all the russias and when i say all

  i mean all archy he said

  the sun never set on my dominions

  why not i asked him

  because they were too cold

  to hatch he replied ask me another

  the reds missed me he said

  and i have been in siberia ever since

  i figure if i can get to the top

  and stay there i will be safe

  have you got a can opener

  what for i enquired

  i have some canned heat he said

  but i cant get into it

  i have practically lived on canned heat

  ever since i escaped from russia

  may twenty first got carried down

  four thousand feet by a snow slide

  when i came to myself

  i was on a ledge of rock

  and sitting in a row with their feet

  hanging over nothing were mehitabel the cat

  the dalai lama and the taj mahal

  nicholas romanoff and the maharajah of nepal

  all drinking canned heat and singing

  in part as follows

  we have tried all sorts

  of winter sports

  and spent a mint of money

  we have skied the alps

  and cracked our scalps

  and burrowed like a bunny

  but everest is sure the best

  my himalaya honey

  listen now said the former czar

  and i will tell you the story of my life

  it was going off of gold that ruined me

  you mean the gold standard asked the lama

  no said the maharajah

  he means the gold cure

  nevertheless said nicholas romanoff

  i will tell you now the

  story of my life

  with slides asked the taj mahal

  cant you try and forget it

  mister romanoff asked the maharajah

  no said the former czar

  sniffing the canned heat

  not while i have this rosemary

  it is for remembrance

  and he hit his insides

  a terrific wallop with the horrid stuff

  yes and rue is for you

  said the taj mahal

  kicking him five thousand feet downhill

  and larkspur is for cooties

  the dalai lama shouted

  after him as he whirled into space

  i discovered a virgin gold mine

  the next morning how do you know

  it is virgin asked mehitabel

  yes said the taj mahal explain

  tush tush said the dalai lama
r />   give it the benefit of the doubt

  well it seems reasonable said i

  there is a snow slide

  over it every twenty minutes

  archy

  and the result was hamlet

  archy on the theater

  Archy the Cockroach crawled into my office late the other night, scurried to my typewriter, and butted out the following ungenerous remark:

  the theater is lousy

  these days lousier than

  it has been in three hundred years

  “And what do you know about it?” I asked him.

  i know everything about it

  my ancestors have lived in theaters

  for centuries

  i am the repository of thousands

  of generations of theatrical tradition

  one of my ancestors was living

  contentedly in a pile of old scripts

  when a manager jerked one out

  from underneath him one day

  and handed it to a guy named shakespeare

  and said bill get this old

  junk into shape so we can

  start rehearsals on it next tuesday

  stick in a couple of murders

  and some of your low browed comedy

  and your smutty wisecracks

  and philosophical hokum

  and i dont need to tell you what to do

  and the result was a play called hamlet

  and another of my ancestors

  was living in kit marlowes

  fine elizabethan ruff

  getting fat on starch

  when marlowe was writing doctor faustus

  my family has always lived around

  theaters and theatrical hangouts

  and one of my grandfathers grandfathers

  used to live in edwin booths room

  at the players club under the rug

  and i repeat again that the theater

  these days is lousy

  “What’s the matter with it?” I asked him. And the insignificant insect replied, at length, as follows:

  no glamour no illusion

  that has all been thrown out of doors

  and the movies have picked it up

  and are doing the best they can with it

  in their bungling way

  the movies are struggling in a dumb headed

  thumb handed way to give the public

  some escape from the realities of life

  and a glimpse into the fourth dimension

  but the legitimate stage

  goes right on presenting

  stereotyped patterns of what is called

  realism by which it means