The Lives and Times of Archy and Mehitabel

by Don Marquis

  the surface of the lives

  of insignificant people

  the reason the movies are doing business

  and the theater is not

  is not altogether one of price

  or the financial condition of the country

  the movies are young and crude

  and are not afraid of gusto and the heroic

  whether they sentimentalize

  some lousy gunman and his doings

  or put across an incredible western

  or splurge with hokum melodrama

  or embark on an adventure

  of pure phantasy like wait disneys stuff

  they are instinctively trying

  to hand the public some kind of stuff

  that wins the audience away from

  the sordid surface of existence

  they may do it badly

  they may do it obviously

  they may do it crudely

  but they do have the hunch

  that what the millions want is to be shown

  that there is something possible

  to the human race

  besides the dull repetition

  of the triviality which is the routine

  of common existence

  “You can certainly use some highbrow expressions, when you set yourself to it, Archy,” I said to the incredible cockroach. But the conceited insect kept right on butting his opinions out on the keyboard.

  the legitimate stage

  is afraid of ranting

  the legitimate stage is afraid

  of any breadth of gesture

  the legitimate stage is afraid

  of being kidded if it puts across

  a genuine fervor of emotion

  it is all tightened up and narrowed down

  by its various fears

  but the movies from the start

  have had to please the millions

  in order to exist in a business way

  and they have had to keep in touch

  with the mind of the mob

  and the mob always wants a hero in a story

  with whom it can identify itself

  in some attempt to break through

  into a better condition of existence

  the great fault of the movies

  has also been their great virtue

  that is their necessity to cater to millions

  it has compelled them to keep in touch

  with the modern equivalent of folk lore

  every now and then they have blundered

  into doing something with a touch

  of the universal in it just

  because they follow ignorantly

  this instinctive hunch of theirs

  Archy ceased to write, and held his head with four of his feet. I thought he was grieving for the condition of the theater, and asked him if this was the case.

  no he said

  the theater has deserted me

  and i am willing to let it go

  it saddens me a little to think

  that thousands of generations of us

  devoted cockroaches are left in the lurch

  but the fact is that the legit stage

  is no longer the theater in a big way

  the moving picture is the theater now

  the living and real theater

  archy flies

  well boss i have had

  some experiences you know that

  fellow with the teeth that glitter

  and the eyes that glitter who

  comes in to see you and

  who has been talking about his aeroplane

  for six months you thought he

  was always a liar and

  so did i he is the kind of a liar who

  looks so much like a liar no one

  believes him when he tells the

  truth i thought i would call

  his bluff so i crawled into

  his outside breast pocket the other day

  and went out to a place near mineola

  with him he really has an aeroplane he

  went up in it the next morning and

  i went along boss i must have

  picked out the wrong position i sat

  on top of one of the planes thinking i would see

  more of the country boss

  dont ask me for any sensations the

  only thing i felt was wind i felt

  like a sigh in a cyclone i had

  about as much control of myself as a

  bullet that is going through the

  barrel of an airgun i dont want

  to rub anything in boss but it

  was as hard to hang onto as the water

  wagon which is a simile

  you may be able to appreciate i

  i must have picked out the wrong position

  dug all my feet and claws

  and teeth in but the wind rushed by

  me like a church scandal going

  through a little village i would have

  felt nausea if

  my stomach hadnt been scared to death

  it was only a question of time before i

  would let loose thank heaven i thought i am

  not an elephant i didnt

  want to die again so soon just because

  i can come to life again is

  no reason for overworking a good thing too

  many deaths and transmigrations look

  vulgar and ostentatious

  and when i did let go i must have

  been two miles high around and

  around i spun whirling like a flake of

  soot that has been flipped

  off of a devils wing between the

  worlds and is spinning back home to

  hell and beneath me it looked

  like hell there was a vast expanse of water

  with the sun making it

  seem like melted metal i suppose i said

  i will get all my feet wet now and

  take my death of cold if a fish

  dont eat me and just then i saw

  beneath me a great fish grinning as if

  he had heard a joke on the

  bottom of the sea and come up to

  laugh at the cosmos get that

  cosmic stuff boss it goes great in some

  circles i lit on one of his great white teeth

  and waited for the gulp that should land

  me in his interior department oh

  lord i said if i ever see dry land i

  will never mock at that jonah story

  again i dont want to die in

  midocean and be reincarnated as a

  sardine or as an oyster

  a cockroach isnt much but

  he has a look in in society where

  an oyster is never mentioned except as an

  article of food but if it

  must be it must be kismet and karma and

  that bunch of bullies vote us the way they

  please we are only instructed delegates

  in the universal convention every

  time i die it makes me more of a fatalist and

  i waited for him to gulp but

  he didnt gulp i hopped over to

  the next tooth to the right as you go in

  and investigated and finally climbed

  out where his upper lip would have been if he had

  had one and worked up to his eye it was

  glassy in death i was floating on a dead shark

  and it was all the more unpleasant

  because he had not had any dental work done for a

  long time or else he had adenoids or maybe

  he had died of ptomaine poisoning boss what i am

  delicately trying to convey is

  that he had been dead so long he had a right to

  be ashamed of it just then i

  heard human voices and looking around i saw

  two young men in bathing suits and<
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  a motor boat a shark a shark cried one

  of them put her about the motor is still

  busted said the other row row for your

  life but wait said the first one this

  shark seems deceased bill lets haul him to land

  and say we slew him right o torn says

  bill it will make a hit with all the girls he

  attacked us says torn and i jumped into the water and

  cut his throat with my jackknife you

  did eh says bill what was i doing then put two

  slashes into him which they did one for each and

  fastened him to the stern of their boat with a

  line and as they towed him to the beach with

  me sitting listening they fixed

  up an awful lie talk about ovations boss when they

  came to the beach they got one the

  more i see of human nature the less i know

  whether to despise it for being so easily

  gulled or for being so ready to

  gull by the time they had told

  that story eight times each believed that

  he was telling the truth although he

  still thought maybe the other one was lying well

  i left those two heroes

  surrounded six deep by girls and came to

  town in a little bunch of dress goods samples a

  commuters wife has been trying to make

  him remember to match my

  sympathies being with the shark poor feeble old

  thing he had likely perished of old age

  to be killed a second time is hard luck but

  this is the truth of a story that you

  may read another version of in

  the news columns

  archy

  archy and the suicide

  well boss i have just

  been assisting at a suicide i think the

  gentleman who killed himself was

  quite right in doing so too

  i went into the kitchen of an

  up town hotel the other

  evening for a bite to eat and after

  i had dined i thought

  i would look the place over and if

  i found a room that appealed to me i

  would spend the night there

  the room i got into was already

  infested by a little old bald headed fellow

  with scared eyes and a face like

  a petrified turnip who was

  hunched up under a reading lamp

  reading a

  bible all of a sudden he gave a

  jump and said gawd gawd there it

  is again and i saw a puff of

  smoke floating across the

  table in front of him it seemed to come

  from nowhere in particular smoke

  smoke cried the old man i am

  haunted by smoke and as

  he spoke another puff of smoke

  suddenly appeared from nowhere on

  the table in front of him

  gawd gawd he cried spare me spare

  me do not persecute me this way

  and i will give all the money to charity

  i will give it to the red

  cross or any church you

  may designate i know

  i did wrong to burn down that

  building for the

  insurance money but how was i

  to know there was any one in it i

  did not plan a murder a third

  puff of smoke seemed to start out of

  his own shoulder and floated in

  front of his eyes and a fourth

  puff hit him on his bald head and made

  a little veil in front of his face

  gawd gawd he cried and threw

  himself on the rug and began to

  pray with his face hidden i

  thought to myself those

  puffs of smoke are peculiar there

  isnt anything on fire in

  here and then i got a whiff of it

  and it smelled like tobacco smoke

  then i saw something that looked

  like a gray globe floating from the

  direction of the bathroom door it

  drifted across the room and hit

  the reading lamp and vanished with a

  puff of smoke i looked at the

  bathroom door and i thought i

  heard some one chuckle over there and

  then i saw another gray globe of smoke forming

  at the keyhole it slowly grew and grew till it

  was as big as a baseball and then it

  detached itself from the door and

  floated across the room

  i crawled noiselessly under the bath

  room door it was one of those bath

  rooms midway between two sleeping

  rooms and there were a couple of

  chuckle headed young fellows sitting

  on the floor laughing to

  themselves both were about half

  soused and they were having a good

  time one of them had a slender hollow

  brass curtain rod and he was soaping

  the end of it and

  sticking it into the keyhole then he

  would fill his mouth with cigarette

  smoke and blow a soap bubble which

  drifted into the old mans room what

  is he doing now said one of them he

  is on the floor praying said the

  other taking the rod out of the

  keyhole and looking through let me

  blow a couple said the first young

  man you are too soused said the

  second one dont be selfish said the

  first one gawd gawd said the voice

  from the room i had just left i am

  haunted by ghostly smoke i will live

  right all the rest of my life if you

  only let me off this time

  give him another bubble said the

  first young man he has got it

  coming to him evidently so

  they gave him half a dozen more

  bubbles the noise

  in the haunted mans room ceased for

  some minutes what is he doing now

  said the first young man i cant see

  him said the second one just then

  there came a kicking kind of a noise

  on the wall i went into the

  haunted mans room and found his

  closet door was open i went in and he

  was just dying he had hanged himself

  to a hook on the wall with a trunk

  cord those two young fellows had

  just the wrong man for their little

  practical joke or

  just the right man if you want to

  look at it that way i

  went away from there at once not

  wishing to be on hand if there

  was any investigation yours

  for conscience and coincidence

  and may they never meet

  archy

  and found out too late

  comforting thoughts

  a fish who had

  swallowed an angle worm

  found all too late

  that a hook was nesting

  in its midst ah me

  said the poor fish

  i am the most luckless

  creature in the world

  had you not pointed

  that out said the worm

  j might have supposed

  myself a trifle

  unfortunate

  cheer up you two said

  the fisherman jovially

  the first two minutes

  of that hook are always

  the worst you must

  cultivate a philosophic

  state of mind

  boss there is always

  a comforting thought
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  in time of trouble when

  it is not our trouble

  archy

  inspiration

  excuse me if my

  writing is out of alignment i

  fell into a bowl of

  egg nog the other

  day at the restaurant down

  the street which the doctor

  says he is glad to

  hear you are keeping away

  from and when i

  emerged i was full of happy

  inspirations alas they

  vanished ere the break of

  day i am sure they

  were the most brilliant and

  witty things that ever

  emanated from the mind of

  man or cockroach or poet i

  sat inside a mince pie

  and laughed and laughed at

  them myself the world seemed all

  one golden glory boss

  i came up the

  street to get all this

  wonderful stuff onto paper for

  you but when i tried to

  operate the typewriter

  my foot would slip and

  by the time i had control

  of the machine again

  the thoughts had gone

  forever it is the

  tragedy of the artist

  archy

  gossip

  well boss it is

  surprising how many

  gossips there are left in

  this world and how

  easy it is to ruin a

  person s reputation

  a few days ago an

  alleged friend of yours

  remarked to another

  alleged friend i saw

  archy on a bun in

  a cafe down town the other

  day and the second alleged

  friend told another person

  that archy had been seen

  publicly intoxicated and

  the other person went

  around saying poor

  archy he drinks like a

  water bug until my

  reputation is ruined you

  would think i was

  the habitual companion of

  the well known dipsas snake

  and the truth of

  the whole thing is very

  simple your alleged friend did

  see me on a bun

  in a cafe it was a

  common ordinary bun such as

  you spread butter on

  and eat and i

  was eating at it

  just as i would sit on any other

  piece of bread and eat but

  now all my friends are

  saying to me

  did i see you on a

  bun or did i not

  answer yes or no and if i

  answer no they say

  prevaricator i saw you on a

  bun and if i answer yes they

  say i thought so and

  will not let me explain and

  if i do not answer