Cjiena: Beginnings

by Patrice Caraway

  I was a little taken aback. Burial was very superstitious amongst our people. One must be buried by our Ulgogs in order to ensure they are returned correctly into the Mother’s Womb. To not be named a true Ulgog, the people must have hoped that my status to the Great Mother would bring them a higher favor than the Ulgog.

  When I brushed against their thoughts, I was half right. They hoped by my giving of burial, that the Mother would see that I forgave them for their misdeeds and in turn hope that she would forgive them as well.

  At first, I became upset that they would ask this of me, but calmness overtook me when I realized that they were doing this in a desperate attempt to insure them that their loved ones were safe in the afterlife. This wasn’t about me, but really for them. In the end it would be up to the Great Mother to pass judgment, not me. All I would be doing would simply give those who are a part of the living their peace of mind. Soon

  I felt pity for them, because I saw also their fear of me, the fear that had been seeded so long ago, and sprouted after I had lived through the night alone on that cold mountain top. Its then that Molog used his influence to grow and take root that fear, and now, now they had little understanding of what in truth had taken place.

  When I felt Anari’s hand upon my, I turned to look down upon her. I could see in her eyes a reflection of myself, as she begged in her thoughts for me to please do this for her mother.

  “I do this not for you, but for her.” I said nodding to the child. It is she who has gained my forgiveness, and it is she who has gained my favor. So, it shall be she who helps me prepare the ceremony.”

  The men looked taken aback, but Mari, was the one to respond. With a shudder she whispered “Done”.

  PREPERATION

  Anari followed me down the path from the village to the river that flowed past, carrying my pack and the white dress of my mother’s. Also folded neatly was the cloak I had been given. I realized she had hastily grabbed my cloak before the other members of the tribe could see it. When I brushed upon her thoughts, I realized she had done it in order to hide the status that had been given to me by mother and Ulgog until the time was right. This girl seemed highly intelligent, and I could see that she would make a great leader among our people should the chance arise.

  No matter what, I could not deny that she had wisdom, and before I began to undress to wash myself, I turned to her and asked her to gather some more ochre from the sacred source, so that there might be enough for all who we laid to rest. She nodded and withdrew a pouch from within her cloak and led herself into the higher reaches of the mountains.

  Normally an Ulgog’s apprentice would help them bathe, but I was too shy in my nakedness. I watched her turn the corner of a large boulder before I removed my clothing and entered the river’s stream once more. Sighing, I curled my toes into the mud upon the river’s edge, feeling it squish between my toes. Instead of normal bathing, I would be cleansing myself for the ritual of the dead. It was considered disrespectful to be unwashed when burying our dead, and I cursed myself when I realized I forgot to bring the herbs in which to wash my hair. When I saw Anari returning, her hands were full of freshly cut herbs, and her pouch filled to the brim with ochre.

  I breathed a sigh of relief, as she had remembered what I had been too distracted to think about, and too shy to wander around naked to look for.

  As she came to the shoreline, I blushed as I tried to cover myself as I hastily rubbed the silt from the river against my skin, until it turned my skin pink. Taking a few steps further into the river’s depths, I tried to ignore Anari’s presence as I laid back into the water and allowed myself to float with my wings spread out wide, focusing on becoming one with the Mother.

  In truth, my hope was to distract myself from reality, until the walls of emotion were too close to crashing down upon me. Unable to distract myself any further, I stood up and let the water drip from me as best as I could before I took my clothing and tried to dry myself off as much as possible after once again forgetting a blanket to dry off with. Anari gasped in awe as I ruffled my wings before turning to sit near her.

  “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to stare,” she murmured, “I just never thought your wings were so large.”

  I smiled, trying to cover up my uneasiness and shrugged. “I’ve never had much use for them. They are just there.”

  “You mean, you’ve never flown with them?”

  The thought startled me for a moment. To be honest, I had never thought of using them before. I wasn’t like a bird who had a mother to teach them how to fly. In fact, I had no idea if it was even possible to lift my body with that much weight. Regardless, I knew I wouldn’t be even strong enough to try. I shrugged and grunted.

  Realizing my discomfort, Anari asked quickly, “Would you like me to wash your hair?”

  Nodding, I turned around and allowed Anari to brush the fragrant herbs through my hair, and for a moment, I felt I was back in my hut with mother. She hadn’t done my hair for several years, but it brought back that memory in my mind as if it were yesterday. A tear slipped down my cheek, and I quietly brushed it away. If Anari saw, she said nothing, but I think she understood my pain. I reminded myself she had lost some of her family too, and it had to be just as hard for her as it was for myself.

  She gently put her hand on my shoulder to let me know she was done, when I put up my hand to feel what she had done, I found she had plated it, braiding herbs amongst my locks. I swept it across my shoulder and saw herbs that Ulgogs used for the cleansing done within. Taking a deep breath, I smiled at Anari, who looked at me anxiously for approval. I stood up to shake the feathers free of any drops of water remaining before unfolding the white outfit I had taken from my mother’s things.

  It was a dress obviously meant for her, as she had long since learned how to make clothing that accommodated my wings. I sighed a little disappointed as I knew that I would have undo my mother’s work and resew it should I choose to wear it.

  Anari obviously understood my dilemma and took the dress carefully from me and removed her tanning knife from her belt and began to cut the delicate material down the back. Leaving enough at the ends to wrap around my neck. She then ever so carefully helped me into my dress and was gentle as she slid my wings through the slit. She then bent over to hold up my cloak and when I turned around, she draped it across my shoulders.

  I was finally ready to do what had been asked of me. If anything, I tried to console myself, it would be the first and last time I would act as Ulgog, for I knew no matter what, I could not, would not stay another day.

  BURRYING THE DEAD

  As I entered the village, I heard gasps as people looked upon me with my cloak draped down my back. Before, I realized, I had unconsciously worn the fur-side to hide the fact that I had been made a woman amongst the tribe, against all law, without ceremony. But I had been given it in Ulgog’s presence, so therefor it was required to be recognized.

  I almost turned away and refused to complete that burial as people began to mutter angrily under their breaths, until Anari came up beside me and slipped her hand into mine. I could feel her spirit touch my own, and I would do this for her, if not for them.

  I saw that the graves had already been dug, and each of the people had been placed within on their backs with their legs drawn up to their chests, and the heads were turned to face the east. The only ones not laid to rest beneath the earth was my mother and Ulgog, whose bodies had a large pile of rocks resting beside them.

  When Anari saw my confused look, she quickly responded, “I was worried if we move them, they might be damaged. I thought if we built over them a pile of rocks, and then buried them with earth, it might be considered the same thing as burying them in the Mother’s Womb. I squeezed her hand tightly in response, too choked up to say anything. Finally, I turned to her and nodded.

  Shyly, now the center of attention from the whole of the tribe, she went up to the holes of her brother and his family and laid down a few small posses
sions she had hidden in her pocket.

  One by one the rest of the tribe went to their fallen loved ones and placed small tokens within as I followed behind and sprinkled ochre around each body from the bag that Anari had gathered.

  I began in the Ancient Language, repeating the phrases that I had always heard Ulgog recite over the dead. When I was finished, I stood before mother and Ulgog, my voice wavering as I began chant over my mother as I laid the possessions that I had selected. I laid the jewelry besides where she might have worn them, and across her chest, the bag she had made with my father’s image and the small dolls dress I had made. Then reverently, I laid her cloak over her.

  Turning to Ulgog I began to recite a different prayer, and without noticing, I began to speak the common tongue, where everyone might understand. “You who became my father, I ask you to grant forgiveness to those who followed you in death. They do not understand what it is they had done. They know nothing of the Mother’s fury except their deaths. Please grant them to walk with you in the Undying Lands, for you are the gatekeeper, the voice of the Mother whom they sought to silence.”

  I continued pouring out my heart as I laid his pouch of healing herbs beside him, and the necklace that had been my grandmother’s across his heart. “Heal them, just as you healed them in life. Grant them eternal happiness so that those who are left behind can find comfort that the Mother has given them Her forgiveness, for if they had seen clearly through Molog’s deception, they would have recognized your strength, your power, your wonder.”

  As I stood over him, to drape him in his ceremonial cloak, I whispered the final words so no one else could hear. “Forgive them for me father, so that you might live with the Mother’s presence without hatred, and anger to bind you here. Thank you for all that you have given me. Father I am free.”

  I felt something stir around me. What I had taken for being the sadness of the tribe began to withdraw, and the heaviness with it. For a moment, I wondered if it was my Father coming to pay his respects to my mother. At first the thought comforted me, that he might have released both of their souls to the Undying Lands, but then I became angry that he who had created me, who brought down the madness of this tribe failed to show himself when it would have mattered the most.

  Infuriated I stepped back from Ulgog, began to spread ochre around their bodies. I had reserved half of the sack for this purpose, for they deserved it more in my mind then the others. By the time I was done, I was no longer angry. When I turned to face the crowd, I nodded to Anari who then lead the whole tribe to each pick up a stone, and lay it atop mother and Ulgog’s bodies, while others began to toss dirt upon their own loved ones. I know I could have done it myself, but in that moment, I could barely stand without collapsing.

  As the men began to lift dirt and place it upon the pile of rocks, I could handle no more. I heard Anari call after me, when I ran towards our hut. There I cried myself to sleep as quietly as I could, never noticing Anari coming in to cover me with blanket or starting a small fire within my hearth. She laid at the foot of my bed all night, and when the nightmare came, she would reach out to assure me she was there.

  Finally, in the early hours of the morning, I fell into deep slumber, with no dreams to wake me, and didn’t awaken until I heard shouts emerge from outside.

  Memories

  ULGOGS THREATEN

  As the shouts became louder, still in a half daze, I subconsciously reached out with my mind to find out what the commotion was about, silence ensured, and my name was called. For a moment, I didn’t comprehend what was being asked of me, until the deep voice called out again.

  Half-awake I blundered from the hut straight into the Ulgogs of our sister tribes. One stood out amongst the rest and had been the one to call out. Even though he was fear struck, he tried to cover it with a simple smile before opening his mouth. “I would have thought you would have received Ulgog’s memories by now” he blundered.

  Immediately, I went on the defensive and sneered. “What would that matter to you?”

  “Well you see...” before another interjected, “My sincerest apologies Winged One, what my friend is stating very rudely,” he said while shooting a look at the other Ulgog, “is that as Ulgog in training, we had hoped the Great Ulgog would pass his memories onto you so that we might share in his life’s wisdom.”

  Without even reading him, I knew he was lying, and when I tried to read him, his mind was shut tight, as he focused on a continuous phrase in the Ancient Language. Somehow, he was able to block my ability while chanting the phrase repeatedly, which only put me even more on edge.

  They seemed to know what I was trying to do, because he began speaking the phrase louder in his mind, while backing away from me. The first one again took the aggressive offense, and growled at me, “Where is the Ulgog’s sacred pouch. Since he hasn’t made you the Great Ulgog, we demand you return what belongs to the Ulgogs of old.

  Anari by this time had run into my hut and clutched the sacred pouch to her heart. If nothing, she understood something was afoot and when the Ulgog moved towards her, I stepped in his path.

  “That pouch is reserved for the Great Ulgog, and until he has chosen one of you, and you can provide proof of his choosing, the pouch belongs to me.”

  “And if he never chooses?”

  “Then I shall keep it.” Turning, Anari reached out to hand me the pouch, which I immediately grabbed and ran into the forest. With my mind I called out Quilari, who answered my call.

  While she galloped, I did something I had always wanted to do and jumped upon her back, clutching both her mane and the pouch I urged her to go to our sacred place, an order she immediately followed.

  We had traveled the way so many times before, I didn’t need to guide her. She seemed to soar over rocks and ran past trees with barely a thought. She let her feet carry her, as I let her carry me, until finally we were there. Heaviness filled me as Quilari pranced in a circle. “What do you want for me?” I screamed, startling Quilari until she reared. While placing a calming hand on her neck, I spoke softer, but not without malice. “Is it you father? You who abandoned me, who abandoned my mother, who let her die? Do you even care?” I called louder

  Whatever it was, it drew away quickly and left me in silence. “You are a coward!” I cried.

  I fell to my knees and began to scream out the pain that I had held in. Waves of emotion crashed upon me, I couldn’t barely understand truly what I felt, just that it hurt, deep in my chest.

  And as I sat, I somehow found myself once more dreaming a nightmare.

  DREAM OF MEMORIES

  ~Once more the faces surrounded me, of those whom the Mother had slain, and when I fell back trying to run away, I felt two familiar hands grab me by the arm and try to help me up. When I turned, expecting another specter to haunt me, all I found was a light so bright it blinded me. When my eyes adjusted, I saw Ulgog smiling up at me, in a younger body then I remembered him to be. I looked around and saw that those who haunted me had disappeared, his brilliant light decimated their shadows and made them fade away.

  “Is it really you?”

  “In one way or another,” he replied shrugging his shoulders.

  I drew him close to me, and inhaled, breathing the scent which I can still recall even now, and wrapped my wings around him. “Please don’t leave me again,” I whispered.

  He lifted his hand to my face and stroked my cheek. “I am always with you, if you know where to look, but Cjiena, I have come for another reason.”

  “No,” I said, shaking my head, “I do not want them, I want only you to be alive again.”

  “But I am alive,” he said stepping back, “more alive than you could ever imagine, but there is now one thing I must do. The Great Mother has urged me to give them to you, if I do not, they will fade away, and our tribe will fall apart and die. If you choose to not take them, the Mother has told me you can transfer them to one of your choosing, but that will be up to you.”

  I hesit
ated for a moment before responding, “I think I know someone who is worthy, but I thought one must die before they can be transferred.”

  “I have taught you how to enter the spirit world in the past, and your abilities to read people’s minds can aid you. Instead of receiving the memories, you shall now give them, and with that the powers will be transferred. At least that is what your father explained to me. Now it is time.”

  Before I could even open my mouth to respond, Ulgog grasped me by the temples and the light grew once again. I felt as if my mind was aflame as memory after memory came rushing in. For what seemed like an eternity, Ulgog held on, and when he finally let go, I realized I was no longer asleep, but in fact had been awake in the spirit world, and now I was within the one made of flesh.~

  ULGOGS REVEALED

  When I opened my eyes, the Ulgogs sat surrounding me in a circle. Still thinking I was dreaming, I watched as a string of light connected each one to the Ulgog sitting beside him, and all of them were directly connected to me. The strands pulsated by a blue light that hypnotized me at first glance.

  “What is that?” I wondered

  Suddenly, my head was ablaze with hundreds of voices who tried to answer me. I could barely make out what they were all saying, when I wondered how Ulgog was able to understand all this, when suddenly, the noise quieted down, and I felt myself being pulled into a single direction. Once more I was in a memory of Ulgog’s.

  ~Ulgog lay in a bed writhing in pain. Voices seemed to scream above one another until nothing could be heard. People around Ulgog/I were talking amongst themselves, however the voices in my mind were too loud to understand either. Suddenly, the drape was pushed away, and a tall man walked into the small hut. The others seemed to gather around him whispering amongst themselves when he put his hand up for silence then tilted his head in a silent order to leave, an order which they all seemed to take happily.