Thorns Before Roses

by Hanna Ruthie

  “An order of fries and one vanilla milkshake,” he says, setting them down in front of us.

  “Thanks Johnny,” I say, popping a fry into my mouth.

  “Sure thing. Anything else for you two?”

  I look at Josie and she shakes her head.

  “Nah we’re good,” I reply.

  “Cool. Enjoy you guys.”

  It’s only then that I notice there are two straws sticking out of the milkshake. Two. Josie points to the one closest to me.

  “Wanna try some?”

  Shit. Kinda.

  “No, I’m good thanks.”

  Thank God. For once I stopped myself. I look back at Johnny. He’s watching us, a smirk on his face. Little shit tried to set a trap. Nice try. I won’t be caught dead sharing a fucking milkshake with a girl- any girl.

  I eat my fries in peace, chowing down. When Josie’s small fingers reach across and pluck a fry from my basket, I freeze. I watch her as she pops it into her mouth.

  “Mm, that’s good,” she says, chasing the fry with a sip of her milkshake.

  “Do you want some?” I ask, pushing the basket towards her.

  “Are you sure you don’t mind?” She asks, looking down at the fries wantingly.

  Her expression makes me chuckle. “I don’t mind.”

  She pops another one in her mouth and pushes the milkshake towards me.

  “I’m okay,” I say, refusing the drink again.

  “Come on,” Josie insists. “We can trade for a while.”

  Damn those fries for being so salty. Damn the milkshake for looking so good. Damn Josie for being so sweet. And damn Johnny for setting this fucking trap.

  I take a sip and bite back a groan.

  “Isn’t it good?” Josie asks.

  I nod, talking a long gulp.

  “Hey!” She giggles, pulling it away from me a little. “Don’t drink all of it!”

  I let up, pushing the milkshake back towards her. “I haven’t had sugar like that in a long time. We’re on diets during season.”

  “For basketball?” She asks.

  I nod.

  “Hmm.” She dips a fry into the milkshake, the little genius. When she bites into it, she moans. The sound goes straight down my spine and I shift a little.

  “You’ve got to try this,” she says.

  She takes another fry, dips it into the milkshake and holds it out for me. Not even hesitating, I eat it right out of her hand. She watches me, waiting for my reaction patiently. Once I swallow, I nod.

  “Shit, yeah, that’s pretty good.”

  “Right?!”

  She takes another fry, dunking it in enthusiastically and eating it ravenously. She’s fun to watch. It’s nice to get her outside. She deserves this. A chance to be away from the library and the hospital and the classroom. I hear Johnny cackling behind us and I turn to look at him. He’s watching us, laughing at me. Squinting, I flip him off. He laughs harder but turns to go do something else.

  I follow Josie, having a few more fries until the team’s nutritionist begins to haunt my thoughts.

  “Okay, I should stop, my coach would be pissed if he saw this,” I admit, leaning my side into the cushion. I rest my arm on top of the booth, my hand resisting the serious temptation of messing with Josie’s silky hair.

  “All work and no play?” Josie asks.

  I can’t help it. Her words stir something in me and I lean in.

  “I don’t know if I’d say that. There’s always time for play.”

  Josie’s cheeks flush pink and I pull back.

  “I didn’t mean that kind of play.”

  “And what kind is that?” I ask.

  Josie shifts a little. “You know… the type… the bedroom… the kind of…” she looks up at me. “You’re messing with me,” she says, squinting, poking my side with her finger.

  I chuckle and nod. “You make it so easy.”

  Josie rolls her eyes. “So why’d you chose basketball?” She asks, changing the subject.

  “Choosing had nothing to do with it. Basketball is what I was given. It’s what everyone played in the neighborhood and I knew I had to become great at it if I wanted to leave.”

  “You wanted to leave?”

  I run a hand through my hair, nodding.

  “Why?” She wonders.

  Her lips close around the straw and suck up the rest of the milkshake. I watch. I can’t take my eyes off those lips. And their shape. And their color. I just wish I knew their taste. Having to shift again.

  I shrug. “Just wanted to leave.”

  “Come on,” Josie says, nudging me with her elbow. “I know there’s more to it than that.”

  I shift a little in the booth, uncomfortable with this topic of conversation. “It was a bad neighborhood, alright? I just needed to get away from there. That’s all you need to know.”

  Just like I knew they would, Josie’s eyes pin me down with sadness.

  “Don’t do that,” I snap.

  “Do what?” She asks innocently.

  “Give me the pity look. It’s fucking annoying.”

  “I’m-”

  She stops herself before she can say sorry. I turn back to Johnny, signaling for the check. He brings it over and I pull out my wallet.

  “How much was the milkshake?” Josie asks, peeling back her phone case to reveal a five dollar bill.

  “I’ve got it,” I say, pulling the cash out of my wallet and putting it inside the little folder.

  “Wait no, I’ll pay you back. How much-”

  “I said I’ve got it,” I bark rudely.

  Josie stares at me for a moment and then puts her phone case back in place. “Oh. Okay. Thank you.”

  Johnny comes to pick up the bill and I tell him to keep the change as tip. I stand up, Josie trailing behind me. This time I let her get in the car all by herself, buckle up like a big girl. When I start the ignition, I turn the heater off. I begin to drive Josie home, remembering the three block drive to her apartment. It’s quiet for a minute and Josie looks over at me, no doubt sensing my anger.

  “You’re mad at me aren’t you?” She asks. “Because I asked about your past?”

  “No,” I snap.

  “No you’re not mad at me, or no you’re not mad because I asked about your past?”

  I ignore her again.

  “Oh,” she says. “You’re mad because I asked about your past and felt bad for you.”

  My silence basically serves as a big fat yes.

  “I can’t help it Matt. You felt bad for me when you heard about my sister didn’t you?”

  I shrug. It’s dismissive and mean and so very me.

  “Don’t be like that Matt, please.”

  I pull up to a red light. “Do I keep going straight or what?” I ask, ignoring her. I know exactly which way, I’m just trying to change the subject.

  “It’s a right, then a left at the end of the street.”

  I follow her instructions quickly, pushing petal so I can get away from her.

  “Why do you shut me out like that?” She asks.

  “I told you before not to take it personally. I’m an asshole. And I do it to everyone.”

  “Not to me,” she says softly. “It’s different. We’re different.”

  “You aren’t different at all,” I return.

  I regret it immediately. I know it was wrong. I know it’s not true. I know it hurt her.

  “You don’t mean that,” she says. “I know you don’t.”

  I pull up in front of a her apartment complex. The only one on the street.

  “Matthew,” she says. “Talk to me, please.”

  “Goodnight Josie.”

  She looks down, biting her lip. “Can we just talk for a minute?”

  My heart is slamming against my chest, and it’s actually hurting me. She gave me an opening, a chance to redeem myself. A chance to make the right choice, to fight for her. But she doesn’t know me well enough yet. I don’t make choices, I act on in
stinct. And most of the time, the instinct is to do whatever it takes to drive people away.

  “There’s the door,” I hear myself say. “Don’t let it hit you on your way out.”

  Josie sighs, disappointed in me.

  “Goodnight Matt,” she says quietly. “I’ll see you tomorrow.”

  She opens the door and steps out of the truck. She walks up to her apartment complex and I drive away. I block it all out, pressing my foot down on the gas harder until the sound of the engine drowns out my thoughts and the adrenaline drowns out my feelings.

  * * *

  I’ve been sitting at this damn table in the library for nearly forty minutes. Josie hasn’t smiled once. She hasn’t laughed once. She hasn’t said anything cheerful or positive or upbeat. She’s helped me with what I need and that’s it. She’s given me the bare minimum. I have practice after tutoring today rather than before. We’ve got to cut our appointment thirty minutes short because of it. This is all the time I’ve got with her, and she’s silent.

  “Are you really gonna act like this the whole time?” I ask.

  Josie looks up at me from the notes she’s writing. “Act like what?”

  I roll my eyes. As if she doesn’t know.

  “All passive and shit. It’s annoying the hell out of me.”

  “Whatever Matthew. I’m allowed to be quiet every once in a while.”

  “What’s your deal?” I ask. “Are you on your period or some shit?”

  I watch her hands tighten around her notes. At least it’s some sort of reaction. Anger is better than nothing. I can’t take nothing. She ignores me though and looks back down at her notes.

  “What are you writing there anyways?” I ask.

  With a loud sigh, Josie looks up at me.

  “What do you care? I’m not different, right? I’m just like everybody else. You don’t care about anyone else, so why should you care about me?”

  I grit my teeth. I should have known she wasn’t going to let that shit go.

  “What part of ‘don’t take it personal’ didn’t you understand?” I ask.

  “The part where that’s not possible. Especially since you’re my friend Matthew! And that’s not a nice thing to hear!”

  I’m her friend. I’m her friend. I’m her friend? I’m her friend? The statement, so simple for her, rolls around in my mind. I watch her as she continues with her notes. I don’t have many friends. I have roommates. I have teammates. I have people who I have fun with. Thomas and Chris fall under all of those categories. I have Johnny, though he’s more of a brother. But friends? Friends I don’t have. Friends suggests being close. Friends suggests hanging out. Friends suggests telling secrets, opening up. I don’t know how to deal with any fucking part of this. I’ve never had someone scold me. I’ve never wanted to be different. Be better. But Josie…

  “I’m sorry,” I say quietly. I mean it too. If what she says is true, and we really are friends, I don’t want to fuck that up.

  She looks up from her notes, eyeing me cautiously.

  “Is it getting easier for you to say that?” She wonders.

  Only to you.

  “No.”

  Josie looks at me for a moment and then pulls out her phone. She taps around for a while, searching for something.

  “Here,” she says eventually, siding her phone towards me. “There’s something I want you to read.”

  I eye Josie questioningly and eventually peer down at her phone. It’s a quote she wants me to read.

  “No man, for any considerable period, can wear one face to himself and another to the multitude, without finally getting bewildered as to which may be the true.” - Nathaniel Hawthorne

  I read it over and over again, letting it’s message sink in. Finally I push the phone back over to Josie.

  “It made me think of you,” she says. “It’s from ‘The Scarlet Letter’.”

  “I don’t know what the fuck that is.”

  “Matt, please don’t be so crude.”

  “Josie, please don’t shove bullshit English quotes in front of me,” I shoot back.

  “It’s not… it’s a good quote,” she replies.

  I ignore her, looking back down at my books.

  “Come on Matthew, be real with me for a minute. How long have you worn your mean words and broody attitude and scowls? You think you’re the asshole, the furthest thing from the nice guy, but I don’t believe it. You want to know what I think?”

  I listen to her but pretend not to, my eyes still locked on the words below me. Her voice is so sweet when she speaks, so hesitant. She doesn’t want to insult me or come off as rude, she’s simply sharing her thoughts.

  “I think some bad things happened to you when you were young, and you had to put on that other face, the mean face, so people wouldn’t mess with you. And you’ve had it on for so long Matthew, that you think it’s who you are. But it isn’t. I’ve seen the nice side of you, and it was more real and more genuine than all the mean you’ve thrown my way.”

  Her words mean something to me, sinking in deep. But they also make me feel under attack. And that triggers my fight or flight. Josie knows that I’m a fighter.

  “I didn’t know you were a psych major,” I say, looking up at her.

  “I-I’m not…”

  “Oh okay, so then maybe you can fuck off with the shitty shrink routine!”

  “Matthew I-”

  “Why do you put up with this Josie?!” I ask, my volume rising. “We spend more time fighting at this goddamn table than studying! I’ve made your life a living hell and you still show up and try to change me! It’s not going to happen!”

  Josie looks flustered and she pushes her notes to the side, dedicated to this argument.

  “This isn’t you! I know it isn’t! Where is the other Matthew? The one who let me hug him? The one who comforted me and took me out? The one who shared a milkshake and fries with me and kissed my wrist and ran his fingers through my hair? Where is the Matthew who’s sweet and gentle with me and cares?”

  “He doesn’t exist!” I reply.

  “Yes! He does! I saw him! I felt him! He’s the one who watched kids from his neighborhood when he was young! He’s-”

  “Stop Josie!” I try to interrupt.

  She shakes her head and goes on. “He’s the one who laughs and smiles with me!”

  I begin packing up my things. I can’t take this. Fight isn’t working so it’s time for flight.

  “He’s the one who cares about how my sister’s doing!”

  I zip up my bag and throw it over my shoulder, walking out. I hear Josie behind me, scrambling with her things. I head out of the library and start on my way through campus. I don’t make it far until Josie catches up to me.

  “He’s the guy who holds the door open for me!”

  I try to ignore her, surging on towards the math building.

  “He’s the guy who tells me I’m too good for immature and privileged boys!”

  “Josie.” I say her name as a warning. I move faster, trying to lose her.

  “He’s the guy who’s concerned about my safety!”

  “Josie stop!” I yell, surging forward.

  “He’s the guy who’s protective of me!”

  When I get to the back of the math building, I turn around, facing her head on.

  “Stop,” I say, my voice dark, my eyes serious.

  “I won’t,” she replies, breathing heavily. “I won’t stop. Not now, not ever.”

  “Why?! Because we’re friends?”

  “Yes Matthew! Because we’re friends! And because I care about you! And I know you’re happier when you’re nicer!”

  “You don’t know anything about me Josie,” I spit out, turning around and walking forward.

  “Because you won’t tell me anything!” She shouts, running after me. “It’s not like I haven’t tried!”

  “Go away!”

  “No!”

  I turn again, placing my hands on her shoulders and w
alking us backwards until her back hits the wall to the math building.

  “Stop. Following. Me.”

  Her hands grab my wrists as she shakes her head.

  “Don’t you get it? I’m not leaving you!”

  “Why the hell not?!”

  “I don’t know!” She replies.

  I drop my hands from her shoulders but her hands stay gripping my wrists, afraid to let go.

  “I don’t know why!” She says again, becoming emotional, frantic, needing to get her point across. “I don’t know why I keep forgiving you every time you’re terrible to me. I don’t know why my body comes to life when I’m around you. I don’t know why I care about you so much! But the one thing I do know is that you’re better than this Matthew! You’re better than the way you act!”

  “I’m not,” I croak, losing strength to fight.

  “Yes you are, I know you are,” she whispers.

  Why do I believe her?

  “You don’t have to be the nice guy all the time,” she says. “But you have to keep him alive. You have to be him around me.”

  “I can’t just… it’s not like that.”

  “Please just tell me you’ll try? Please Matthew, please?”

  And damn if her pretty little mouth begging doesn’t do me in right there.

  “Josie… you don’t-”

  “Please.”

  She wraps her arms around my neck and hugs me tight. And in the dark behind the math building, I hug her back. I let my arms wrap around her waist and I drop my head against her shoulder. I breathe her in and I swear, I feel a piece of myself relax. It’s as if I’m coming home after years overseas. After years of being at war with myself, a truce has been called. I can’t even help it when my eyes begin to water. I blink it away to the best of my ability and breathe deep against Josie.

  “I’ll try,” I whisper. “I’ll try for you.”

  And I will. Now, I have to. Because my word is unbreakable. I stand by my word… always, and Josie knows that. She tries to pull back, but I tighten my grip on her, needing her there just a little bit longer. She settles in, letting me hold her for just a couple more minutes. But then a couple minutes turns into a few. I know I have to let go, I have practice soon, but it hurts to do. Slowly I relax my grip on Josie and pull back. Before we’re completely out of each other’s embrace, Josie stands tall on her tiptoes to press a kiss against my cheek. I shut my eyes at the feeling and let my hand capture hers. When she pulls away, I squeeze her hand.