The Howl (By Kiss and Claw Book 1)

by Melissa Haag

  “You okay?” Fenris asked, leaning close to me and tapping my fisted hand.

  I suppressed a shiver at the skin to skin contact and glared at him. He knew better.

  He cocked his head at me.

  “You seem a little on edge.”

  LuAnn saved me from answering.

  “Fenris. Eliana. Since you two are already talking, why don’t you pair up for this next exercise?”

  “Sure thing, LuAnn,” Fenris said with a grin. “What’s the exercise again? I wasn’t listening.”

  The shameless way he admitted his disregard almost made me smile.

  “Help each other discover what’s missing in your lives. What element or elements are holding you back from realizing your full potential?”

  “Got it.”

  “Since this can be a sensitive area, I’ve appropriated study rooms three through seven in addition to this room. That should enable each pair of you a private space to work. I expect a report tomorrow regarding what you’ve learned.”

  I didn’t move from my chair. I couldn’t. Alone in a room with Fenris? My hunger leeched away more of my control at the mere thought of what could happen.

  Before I could blink, the room emptied until only LuAnn remained with us.

  “I’ll be back to check on you in a few minutes.” The door shut behind her.

  Fenris inhaled deeply. I wondered what he smelled because all I could smell was his delicious lust. I wanted to lick it off his skin. Rub against his—

  “You’re angry. And afraid,” he said softly. “Why?”

  “I’m angry that Adira is toying with my life and afraid I’ll give in to my hunger.”

  He shifted in his seat.

  “You know you can’t hurt me, right?”

  I turned to look at him.

  “Can’t I? I can make you love me so deeply, so thoroughly, that when I leave you, you’ll be nothing more than an empty shell dwelling on what you once had. You’ll forget to eat. Forget to wash. You will be broken in ways that will never be fixed. You’ll slowly waste away in your desperate and all-consuming desire to find me and win me back.”

  While I spoke, his normally easy-going personality vanished, replaced by sympathy.

  “I get it,” he said. “Our situations aren’t the same but similar enough that I get it.”

  His understanding helped me regain a measure of control.

  “How are they similar?” I asked.

  “All the pack girls are obsessed with being around me. And I don’t use that word lightly. Look at what happened to Aubrey.”

  Aubrey had been the head of his fangirl club and bullied the rest of the girls to the point of submission. Her obsession had ultimately led to her removal from Uttira. She’d been insane with her infatuation with Fenris. And why? That was one piece I’d never understood. Was Fenris more like me than I thought?

  “Why are they so obsessed with you? There are other males in the pack, right?” I thought I remembered one a grade ahead of us and two a grade behind. They were quiet and didn’t garner nearly as much attention as Fenris.

  Fenris shrugged.

  “Dad and I have talked about it. He thinks it might be something in my scent. But I don’t smell any different from Walden.”

  “Who’s Walden?”

  “He’s the only other unmated male in my pack.”

  “Wait. I thought there were three in the school.”

  Fenris shook his head.

  “They’re already mated. I’m late with my run. I wasn’t kidding when I said we’re both behind.”

  That just made me feel bad for both of us.

  “I don’t understand what sitting here and talking about it is going to do to help us,” I said.

  “It probably won’t, but it’s nice not being surrounded by a bunch of admirers, isn’t it?”

  He put his feet up on the chair in front of him and grinned at me. And I realized right then that while Fenris always smelled like lust, he’d never seemed overly interested in me.

  “Do I attract you?” I asked before I could stop myself.

  His humor slipped then returned doubled.

  “I’m a male with eyes. Of course you attract me.”

  I considered him for a moment, feeling a bit of hope and companionship because, despite his assurance that he found me attractive, I knew better. If I’d really attracted him, he would have been compelled to hit on me, just now, in order to find a way to bring us both a bit closer on an emotional level. But he hadn’t.

  I smiled.

  “Thanks, Fenris. So what do you think is missing from your life? What’s holding you back from realizing your full potential?”

  “That’s easy. My mate. Everyone’s so worried about me not going on my run yet. But, when the time’s right, it’ll happen.”

  As he spoke, the scent of his lust increased, coating my taste buds. I itched to lean toward him and inhale, to take what he had in plenty.

  I stood abruptly.

  “Tell LuAnn I needed to go.”

  Before I could run, he grabbed my wrist.

  “If you keep running, Adira will keep pushing. It’s what she does. Instead of running, tell me what’s wrong. We can work through it together.”

  I trembled, my entire focus on the contact of his skin against mine. My heart thundered in my chest as I struggled not to turn on him. Not to straddle his chair and bury my fingers in his thick, dark hair.

  “No touching,” I managed.

  He immediately released me.

  “Okay. But I wasn’t touching you when you decided to leave.”

  I took a slow and steady breath, weighing his words and my options. Fenris had made a valid point. The more I ran or fought Adira’s plans, the harder she seemed to push.

  Instead of leaving, I moved to a chair on the far side of the room and took a seat. He changed his relaxed position to one of intent study as he waited for me to speak.

  “Your dad’s wrong,” I said after a moment. “You don’t smell the same as the rest of your kind. You always smell like lust. You have since the first time I saw you four years ago. It’s only gotten stronger. It’s hard to be around you. The scent is…overwhelming.”

  “You’re going to need to be a little more specific in what you mean by overwhelming. Are you saying I need to start wearing car fresheners?”

  I snorted.

  “No. I’m saying you’re your own brand of car freshener. Times seven.”

  “So I smell good in small doses, but too much gives you a headache?”

  There was no way I was going to tell him exactly what his scent did to me. It was too embarrassing.

  “Something like that.”

  “Okay. Now that I know, I’ll try to keep it in check,” he said.

  I doubted it was anything he could control but didn’t say anything.

  “Since we’ve covered what’s missing from my life,” he said, “and why you’re running away all the time, let’s talk about what’s missing from your life.”

  “Nothing I want is missing.”

  “Then what’s holding you back from realizing your full potential?”

  “Who’s to say I haven’t already realized it?”

  He chuckled, the sound doing funny things to my insides.

  “If you’d attained your full potential, you wouldn’t be sitting in Self-Discovery for the third year in a row.”

  “Ouch. That’s hurtful.”

  “No, it’s not.” He tapped the side of his nose. “I’d know if it hurt.”

  “What’s keeping me here is Adira’s idea of what I should be versus who I want to be.”

  “Who do you want to be?”

  “Me. Just me. Why can’t that be enough?”

  “It’s enough for me,” he said.

  His complete acceptance made me want to hug him. Obviously, I couldn’t. But I wanted to, and that was enough to get my hunger going again. I looked up at the ceiling.

  “Can we talk about something else?” I
asked.

  “Sure. Let’s talk about why you’re upset.”

  I heaved a sigh.

  “I’m not upset. I’m hungry.” I glanced at the clock and saw only ten minutes had passed. I’d never last a full hour with Fenris.

  “Can you throw me my purse?”

  “Your purse or the two chocolate bars you have hidden away?” he asked, his voice laced with amusement.

  I stopped staring at the ceiling to wrinkle my nose at him.

  “Just throw the purse.”

  He grinned and tossed it to me. I dug out a bar, grateful he didn’t tease me about it. The first bite helped distract me from his mouthwatering scent. But only a little.

  “Do you want some?” I asked when I saw he was watching me.

  “Yep. I do.” As he said it, the scent of his lust kicked up a notch.

  “I thought you were going to try to keep yourself under control,” I said, breaking off a square and throwing it his way.

  “I am trying. It’s not easy.”

  I couldn’t fault him, not when I was struggling with my own control.

  “Sorry. I didn’t mean to criticize.”

  He gave me an easy grin.

  “Don’t worry about it. Now that I understand it’s not me driving you away but my smell, I’d rather have you say something instead of just running.” He popped his square of chocolate into his mouth and closed his eyes like it was the best thing ever. I could relate.

  When he swallowed and looked at me, there was a mischievous glint in his eyes.

  “It’s nice being around someone who’s not trying to get into my pants. We should hang out more.”

  I almost choked on my chocolate.

  “It’s easier on me if I don’t hang out with anyone,” I said, feeling more than just a little dejected at the thought because it was nice being with Fenris.

  “That sounds lonely,” he said.

  I shrugged.

  “What about Megan?” he asked. “You hang out with her.”

  “She’s different. She doesn’t seem affected by me. And she needs me.”

  “Maybe I need you, too.”

  A small laugh escaped me, and I shook my head.

  “I highly doubt that.”

  He put his hand over his heart.

  “Now who’s being hurtful?”

  “Fine. Why do you need to hang out with me?”

  “Freedom.”

  I knew he meant from his girls, and some of my humor faded. Fenris had come to this class yesterday because he’d heard about my harassment by the other students and had wanted to help me out. Why couldn’t I return the favor?

  “I’ll think about it.”

  “Fair enough.”

  Like Fenris had said, I needed to stop running from Adira’s manipulations and face them. And I was, starting immediately. The calming chocolate effect from the two bars I’d eaten had been enough to last the remainder of Self-Discovery with Fenris. Though I’d enjoyed talking to him, his scent had continually provoked me to the point I’d been relieved to escape.

  However, leaving Self-Discovery and the tempting shifter didn’t settle my hunger. It continued to plague me as lust wafted from my fellow students, thanks to my revealing top.

  I managed to make it to lunch without feeding from anyone, but only barely.

  Now, I desperately wanted to go home and help myself to more of my chocolate to soothe the gnawing hunger writhing inside of me. Fortunately, I had the perfect reason to leave. My mom. I wasn’t running; I was checking on the parent I rarely had a chance to see.

  There was no sign of Adira as I left the school grounds and little traffic on the way to Quills’. I couldn’t help but feel a sense of anticipation when I walked into the kitchen. It wasn’t just for the soul-soothing chocolate stash I planned to raid, either. While every other adult in my life was there to push me, I knew I could count on Mom to support me in her own, sometimes unhelpful, way.

  “Mom?” I called.

  No one answered, but I wasn’t surprised. It was a big house, which is why we usually used the intercom system. I’d need to show it to Mom.

  Leaving the kitchen, I went to look for her. The sound of the TV led me to the teen entertainment space where I found Mom watching an action show.

  “Hey, Mom,” I said just as the scent of chocolate tickled my nose.

  “Oh, hey, baby. I wasn’t expecting you home for a few hours yet.” She gracefully rose at the same time I rounded the couch. Chocolate wrappers fell to the floor around her. Dozens of them.

  My gaze shifted to the fridge.

  Oblivious to how she was ruining my life, she wrapped me in a hug. She smelled like the chocolate was coming out of her pores.

  “Why are you eating all the chocolate?” I asked.

  Mom pulled back and grinned at me.

  “I’m starving, and there wasn’t anything else even mildly appealing. I see why it’s your favorite. But don’t worry, I doubt I’ll eat it all before Anwen gets back. She went with Lander to find something else for me to eat. That man is positively tempting.”

  She took an untouched bar from the couch.

  “Did you want some? I’m more than willing to share.”

  She was willing to share my chocolate? Mine?

  I counted backward from five before answering.

  “No, thank you. I just came home to make sure you’re settling in okay. I still have a few classes left before the day’s done.”

  “You’re such a good girl,” Mom said, smiling at me proudly.

  If I were really a good person, I wouldn’t be visualizing smothering my mother in her sleep.

  “Thanks, Mom. I better get going.”

  I left her with my chocolate and closed myself in my room. What was I going to do? I’d been counting on my chocolate to sustain me until I figured out how I was going to feed myself without Mrs. Quill. There was a shop I could go to for more chocolate. However, if I brought it here, Mom would likely sniff it out and eat that, too.

  My anger at the Council increased. What were they thinking, bringing Mom here and then not having anyone to feed her?

  A low whimper broke my thoughts. It took a moment for the pitch of it to register and to recall my small guest.

  “Piepen?” I looked around the room for him and found him wilted on his pillow in the drawer. He looked pale, and his eyes moved listlessly.

  “Oh my gosh! What’s wrong?”

  My mind immediately went to the horrible, accidental feeding last night. It’d only been a mouthful, but he was so small. What if it had been too much. He’d been fine this morning, though, when he’d been showering in my runoff.

  “Hungry,” he rasped.

  I couldn’t believe I’d forgotten to feed him.

  “I’ll be right back.”

  Almost falling on the steps because of my stupid heels, I raced to the kitchen for some food. It was easy to find enough to feed Piepen, thanks to Megan’s supplies. I threw together a large salad, drizzled it with honey and granola for extra calories, and hurried back upstairs.

  The noise from the entertainment room had changed from gunfire with intermittent talking to a whole lot of groaning. I didn’t want to know what Mom was watching now, and I sure didn’t want to hear it.

  Closing my door, I hustled over to Piepen and offered him a honey-dipped spinach leaf.

  “Here. Try this.”

  He opened his mouth and flicked his tongue out, licking the honey. I had to look away. I was too hungry for hand-feeding a brownie and did not want to give the little guy any wrong ideas if he saw my eyes change.

  When I’d offered to help Megan, I’d thought the brownie would be staying at her house. This wasn’t what I’d signed up for. Piepen needed to go. The sooner, the better.

  “Any chance you’ve remembered anything useful about the guy who kidnapped Megan?” I asked him while studying the ceiling.

  “Useful?” he said, still not sounding like himself.

  “What he
looked like? The color of his hair? His eyes? How tall he was? His name? Anything?”

  “No. He always wore his hood when he talked to my grandparents. They liked him. He helped them find peace.”

  The leaf was tugged from my fingers a second later, and I looked down to see him chewing with stuffed cheeks.

  “So good!” he said around the food.

  Already I could see some color returning to his cheeks. It wouldn’t take him long to be back to his old self. The thought was equally relieving and depressing since a horny brownie in my bedroom was only one of my many problems. I still had a chocolate-devouring Mom in my only other sanctuary. Then, there was Adira manipulating my schedule and throwing me with Fenris, the one boy who had a scent strong enough to break my will once I ran out of chocolate. Which, at the rate Mom was eating it, wouldn’t be long.

  I set the bowl down on Piepen’s pillow and blindly watched him eat some more before grabbing my phone. My life was falling apart, and I needed help. Badly.

  I tried Megan’s phone, but it went to voicemail. Desperate, I called Oanen. He picked up after the second ring.

  “Please tell me Megan’s there. I need to talk to her,” I said.

  “Hold on.”

  “Hey, Eliana,” Megan said after a moment.

  “My mom’s here, Megan.” Some of my panic and desperation laced my words.

  “I know. And, I’m sorry for my part in that. Oanen and I have been telling the Council that we don’t think she has anything to do with what’s going on.”

  I snorted.

  “Of course she doesn’t. She doesn’t kill; she just destroys lives.”

  A tiny squeal drew my attention to Piepen, who was no longer a wilted brownie in his drawer. He zipped around the room and landed spread eagle on my pillow. He immediately grabbed himself.

  “Stop touching yourself when you’re on my bed. I saw that smear on my pillow this morning, and you’re lucky I didn’t kill you in my sleep.”

  “Uh…Eliana?” Megan said.

  “Sorry. Piepen and Elbner arrived last night. Elbner’s at your place with his honey-milk. Piepen’s here.”

  “That’s great.”