This Moment Is Your Life (and So Is This One)

by Mariam Gates

  Clearly, the human brain has developed beyond the basic survival skills needed to escape mortal danger. But the way your brain processes information still has a few pitfalls. You can think of these as habits of the mind. Just as your “lizard brain” triggers automatic physical responses, these habits of the mind trigger automatic mental and emotional responses. The brain is just doing its job, but if you don’t bring awareness and some alternative strategies to what is actually happening here and now, then these habits, these limited ways of using information, will end up running the show.

  Let’s look at three habits of the mind:

  Negative Mind

  (that with mindfulness can become Flexible Mind)

  Stuck Mind

  (that with mindfulness can become Open Mind)

  Distracted Mind

  (that with mindfulness can become Focused Mind)

  Each of these habits can get in the way of seeing situations in your life clearly. We will look at them in detail because it will be helpful to see if you relate to any of them. But an easy way to understand whether you are stuck in a habit of the mind instead of being truly present is to take a quick inventory of how you feel. Do you feel more constricted and contracted like a closed fist? Or do you feel comfortable and accepting of what is, like an open palm? (This doesn’t necessarily mean that you will always like what you are seeing or feeling. More on that later. What you’ll be working on right now is the ability to be awake and clear about what is happening in the moment.)

  Mindfulness (being present and aware of how you are feeling and what you are sensing in the moment) is all that is needed to create a shift away from the unhealthy habits described here. See if any of these feel familiar to you as you read.

  Negative Mind

  Picture the way a bird is constantly scanning the area for danger, moving its head this way and that. A bird’s survival depends on it staying alert. It does not help the bird to be still and notice what it is feeling. The bird needs to keep its attention on what might be dangerous in any situation. Over the course of our evolution, humans have also had to continuously scan for threats. We’ve learned to focus on the negative.

  In most situations, however, things aren’t all bad or all good. Drifting apart from a friend, for example, can feel sad and unsettling, but it does make space for new people and maybe new activities in your life. The loss of a friendship is not easy, but it is also not all bad.

  Your mind is not wired for this kind of subtlety, and that can make you confused about what you are seeing. Like the bird, you want to get answers quickly to keep yourself safe. As humans we have trained ourselves to notice problems before anything positive in a situation. But this thinking can become very limited very quickly.

  If you see a field of flowers with a snake in it, you focus on the snake.

  Noticing a snake is important, and again, that instinct is a part of your biology that keeps you safe. That is where your “lizard brain” is working for you. If there is a viper in front of you, you want your mind to react quickly. However, your habit of scanning for threats can cause you to miss out on the flowers (or anything else pleasant) that is right in front of you.

  You can see that same survival instinct being triggered in a room full of people. Have you ever been in a group situation in which one person makes a comment you don’t like or doesn’t listen to you, and then that one thing is what you focus on for the rest of the time? You can easily ignore everything that was positive about the situation, and spend all of your time thinking about the one thing that was not. This is negative mind. In the wild, that focus on danger is helpful, but in your day-to-day life, not so much.

  There’s a very old story about a farmer and his family in a small village. One day, the farmer’s son finds a wild stallion and brings it home. He is overjoyed to show his father.

  “Look what great fortune! Now I have this incredible horse!” His father replies, “Good luck, bad luck, who knows?”

  A week later, the boy is out riding and falls and breaks his leg. He is angry and distraught, and tells his father how upset he is that such a horrible thing has happened to him.

  His father’s response is again: “Good luck, bad luck, who knows?” A week after that, the army of the king arrives and demands that all young men join them in a new and terrible war. The farmer’s son with his broken leg cannot go.

  Again, the farmer’s response is the same: “Good luck, bad luck, who knows?”

  It is a story about perspective. We all have reactions to what happens in our lives, and those reactions are not wrong. But without perspective, we tend to see things in only one way. Mindfulness creates an opportunity to recognize the negative mind. When you are present for what is really happening right here, right now, you are less likely to jump to conclusions (and make assumptions) about people, situations, and what you think you know. You can appreciate what is positive. You can understand and have compassion for your habit of looking for threats and see that almost everything has multiple layers and is usually not all good or all bad.

  You know you are in Negative Mind when:

  you have no perspective (you are focused—sometimes almost obsessively—on what is or might not be good in a situation)

  you feel you need to get your own way

  your body is tense (tight chest, jaw, arms, or fists, strain in your neck and shoulders, shortened breath)

  You know you are in Flexible Mind when:

  you understand that you might not know all the sides of a situation

  you trust that things will work out even if you are not sure exactly how

  your body is relaxed (no strain in your shoulders, neck, and arms, your breathing is slow and easy, your chest feels open)

  Stuck Mind

  The mind often uses past experiences to assess new situations. This kind of learning shortcut works well in some cases. A baby learns that the oven is not safe because she can feel that it is hot. If she goes to someone else’s house, she won’t touch that stove either. She is learning new information.

  In other situations, your mind’s tendency to rely on what you felt or saw in the past can keep you stuck. If you tried something and it was hard, you don’t want to try it again. If something scared you in the past, you avoid it without question. You are in a stuck habit of the mind when you have a rigid belief about what should or shouldn’t happen. If you are not paying attention in the present moment, there is no room for new data. You’ll end up using experiences from the past to dictate your future. You can’t grow. You can’t stretch. You can’t change.

  If you aren’t clear about what you feel and who you are now, you end up making decisions for yourself as a teenager based on how something was for you when you were only seven.

  I was in a dance performance in second grade and I wasn’t as good as the other kids, so no, I’m not going to try this new modern dance class at school.

  Or you make decisions because of what you are afraid of rather than what is happening here and now.

  I’ve never skied and most of my friends have. I don’t want to look foolish, so I’m not going to go on that ski trip.

  Or you let what you think should be happening get in the way of dealing with what is happening.

  I’m not going to ask that teacher for extra help. My brother did well in this class. I don’t want anyone to know I don’t understand.

  Today, right now, is a new moment you have never experienced before. If you can’t pause and see that, you really limit your options. This moment is happening for the first time. It is full of potential. If you are caught in beliefs about the past and your fears, you end up being a reactor instead of an actor in your own life.

  Is there something you haven’t tried because you’re not sure you’ll succeed or be as good at it as someone else you know?

  If your answ
er is yes, you are not alone. Remember, your mind wants to keep you protected. It wants to stay with what is familiar and use only past information for making decisions. But it’s important to know the difference between being realistically cautious and letting old information wrongly dictate what you do now. When you are aware in the present moment, you can notice when that stuck mind is operating. That is where mindfulness comes in.

  In this moment you can notice what you feel and ask yourself, Am I using good judgment or an old, inhibiting way of seeing something? Do I feel stressed and fearful or relaxed and receptive? If you can pause and feel present, you have a chance to open your mind to new approaches and ideas.

  You know you are in Stuck Mind when:

  you feel misunderstood and grouchy

  you feel afraid of trying something new

  your body is tense and achy

  You know you are in Open Mind when:

  you feel excited and curious about what you’re doing

  you are willing to try new things

  your body is light and energized

  Distracted Mind

  Maybe you don’t focus on the negative and you aren’t stuck in old ideas about yourself. But you still have a busy human mind that makes it difficult to pay attention to the moment you are in right now.

  Do you ever:

  Arrive someplace without really being aware of how you got there (maybe on your walk to school or moving from one class to another)?

  Go to get something in your room and forget what you needed once you are there?

  Check your phone for no particular reason even though you looked at it two minutes ago?

  Review the details of something that upset you over and over in your mind?

  Again, welcome to having a brain. None of this is unique to you. We all share these habits in one form or another. It may seem like there are more distractions today (social media, phones, and socializing in an ever-increasing number of ways), but the issue of having a mind that won’t “sit still” is in no way new. The techniques in this book were developed and used thousands of years ago because people were having the same problematic “monkey minds” then too. As a species we are good at using our brain to track hundreds of pieces of information at a time, but we’re not so great at using it to focus on the here and now.

  Even when you look relaxed, your mind can be traveling at warp speed. You’re afraid of missing out, you review past conversations over and over in your mind, or you think about how much you have to do. Ring any bells? Without realizing it, you can easily lose track of where you are and what is happening now. Even imagining something good that you would like to have happen can take over your thoughts. It feels as if there is somewhere other than here that needs your attention—at all times.

  We all live in a world of do-ing, not a world of be-ing. Being present may not even appear all that valuable.

  It’s tricky because this habit of staying out of the present moment does have benefits. You get complimented for being a productive multitasker. And reviewing your planner is important. Imagining scenarios for next weekend feels like a good use of your time. All of your many to-do lists do serve a purpose and keep you on track. There is a place for planning, but it seems to have taken over all of our lives, and you may find it difficult to operate in any other mode.

  As a result, you can spend a lot more time in the past and the future than in the present.

  Try It

  Take a Thinking Habits Self-Assessment

  How often are your thoughts focused on something that happened in the past or that might happen in the future?

  1 = Not very often

  10 = Most of the time

  Past

  1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10

  Future

  1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10

  Studies show that most stress comes from rehashing events that have already happened or from creating a story in the mind about things that might. You may find that your thinking tends to go more in one direction or the other. Either way, it is hard to be here and experience now when your thoughts are somewhere else.

  You know you are in Distracted Mind when:

  you feel anxious and/or stressed

  you feel confused and/or your thoughts are racing

  your body feels achy and tight, and your breathing is shallow

  You know you are in Focused Mind when:

  you are relaxed

  you are able to focus on one task at a time (and it feels like enough)

  your body feels relaxed, energized, and you

  are taking full breaths from your belly

  * * *

  • • •

  Everyone has these habits of the mind to some degree. But it is possible to go from mind-full to mindful—from instinctual reacting to objective responding in the moment.

  Life is happening right now, in real time, and that makes being in this moment very important. It takes skill to focus on the present and even more skill to feel relaxed and comfortable here. Being here now is how you address feeling negative, stuck, and busy. When you are present in the moment, those habits shift. You are more flexible, open, and focused. You can experience for yourself that in this exact moment, right here and now, there is rarely a problem.

  Remember, mindfulness is something that has to be exercised like a muscle. When you are learning something new, it takes time to become skilled at it.

  Mindfulness in Your Body: Relaxed & Awake

  In every mindfulness exercise, you begin by feeling relaxed and awake in your body. A relaxed and awake body is still, sitting or standing upright but not rigid, with shoulders loose and heart open.

  When your body is energized but at ease, you are more able to pay attention to your thoughts, feelings, and sensations.

  Try It

  Use your physical senses to be aware of this moment right now.

  Find your version of a relaxed and awake body: still, upright but not rigid, at ease and open.

  Now bring your attention to your breathing. Take a deep breath in, and feel your body fill as you inhale. Exhale, and feel the air move out of your body completely. Notice the rise and fall of your abdomen and chest as you continue to take easy breaths in and out.

  Keep following your senses. What do you hear if you get very quiet?

  What are you sitting on? How does it feel?

  Where are your feet resting right now?

  Pay attention for a moment to your neck and shoulders. Notice whether you are holding any tension there. Bring your awareness to your arms, your upper back, your lower back. Where do you feel tight, and where do you feel loose? Breathe.

  What else do you notice when you pay attention to right here, right now?

  Focusing on your physical senses is an easy way to shift your attention to the present. If you are in a stressful conversation, for example, you can immediately feel more comfortable by bringing your attention to your breathing and scanning your body for any tension and reactions as you listen.

  Awareness + Acceptance = Mindfulness

  We are all used to being told to calm down, to not get angry, and even to not cry. It is very important to note that mindfulness does not separate your emotions into good ones and bad ones; there is just this moment. With mindfulness, you are training yourself to be awake in this moment without trying to change this moment. (It’s worth repeating that: Mindfulness is being awake in this moment without trying to change this moment.) It doesn’t mean never changing anything about the world or never addressing areas in your life where you are not happy. But any change has to start with seeing clearly. The skill you are developing is to feel and be, without adding judgments and reactions to the situation.r />
  Being reactive or distracted can be a way to avoid dealing with your more difficult emotions. It can feel uncomfortable and at times painful to focus on where you are now. Letting your brain pop like popcorn from one thought to another can feel better than sitting for even a moment with something hard.

  The problem is that here is the only place where you can actually experience anything. With mindfulness you can feel strong emotions and notice them without trying to make them go away or shove them down. If you can bring your attention to what it is like to be here in this room, in this moment, with these feelings, you will be much better at handling them. And if what you need is to talk to someone or get help, you’ll be clearer about that too.

  It is easy to confuse being present with being more relaxed. Often, being in the moment makes you feel more at ease, so that can be part of a description of being mindful. But mindfulness is not a practice of being calm. It is being aware of what is and being honest about it.

  Nothing about this moment has to change. In this moment, the time it takes for you to take a full breath in and let it out, you are okay exactly as you are.