Risk it All

by Fiona Price

  "Do what feels right, Alissa. But maybe cut back on the tobacco?"

  "No need, it's all gone anyway. I just can't help but feel that I'm expected to take him back, but how can I after he went out with Vanessa, took her to your wedding instead of me, slept with her, and he didn't tell his mom about me or say that I was his girlfriend? I feel obligated after the ambulance ride to do something, but I don't know if I should. I don't know if I can. And, I haven't seen Adrienne, his surgeon, in years. I don't have one iota of a clue what to do."

  "Matt wants you, Alissa. He wants to be yours, and he wants you to feel the same way. He's got attachment issues, he's afraid things will start to get good, serious, and that it'll all just disappear one day. He has a hard time putting his heart out there. He just doesn't want to be hurt."

  "And what am I supposed to do about that?"

  "Just be there for him. Keep showing him that you'll protect his heart. He never meant for any of this to happen. By no means do you have to do anything, but maybe it's just time for a fresh start." Shane answered.

  "And if you want to know, when you were looking at his last credit card transaction, we were able to get into his phone microphone as well as get his GPS. We heard everything he and Vanessa said. He mentioned you. I just texted you the audio, in case you want to give it a listen." He said before putting a hand on her shoulder for a brief moment before getting up.

  "I'm going to wait inside with the team. Call if you need anything. We'll let you know if he wakes up or when we get to see him." Shane concluded before heading inside the hospital, leaving Alissa alone again, with her thoughts. She listened to the audio.

  Alissa, well, she's going to heaven, and so will Shane. All they do is good for others. I guess I'll just have to face those regrets in hell. I can only guess that's where I'm going.

  Alissa thought about what Shane said. Maybe it was time for a fresh start, with the time they had left before the mob was sure to come back and finish their business. Nobody knew what exactly was coming to them, but Alissa had a feeling that their time was running out, and fast.

  Vanessa had disappeared, so did her father and everyone in their business, but not for long. The team would follow them to settle the score, and they went all the way to Hawai'i to do it.

  XIII

  The hospital was sterile and quiet. Matt was stabilized in the ICU after his surgery, and he was under close observation. Alissa had been in her fair share of hospitals in her time, mostly ERs, but she had forgotten how eerie they can be when there's nothing but the rhythmic beeping of the heart rate monitors.

  Alissa had made her way back into the hospital after spending a lot of time outside, deep in thought. Matt was the first man she'd ever loved, but it had gotten more complicated as time went on. At first, their love was secret and unsure, and things were their best when they could finally be with each other. But, then Matt didn't want to commit, and it went downhill from there. Alissa did love him, but she wasn't sure how she could ever give him another chance. Maybe they'd have a chance to talk alone, maybe his near-death experience would have changed things for him, changed his outlook. Alissa could only hope that things would turn around for the better, because deep down inside, she truly wanted them to. She just didn't know if Matt wanted the same thing.

  The sun had set, and the stars had come out by the time Alissa gained the courage to go in and visit. She checked in at the desk and she walked down the quiet, disinfected hallway. She stopped outside Matt's door, it was cracked open and she could see Shane and Vicki through the glass. Alissa opened it slightly, just enough to poke her head in and get Shane's attention.

  "Alissa, hey, come on in. He's still asleep, but he's doing fine." Shane spoke, meeting Alissa's eyes. She walked in and glanced over at Matt, who was fast asleep from the anesthesia he got during surgery.

  "Have you come to an earth-shattering revelation about what to do yet?" Shane joked, knowing that would be the only reason he'd see Alissa there.

  "No, not quite yet. I don't know if it's better or worse that he and I can't talk about it right now." Alissa answered and Shane chuckled. It wasn't long before his doctor was making her nightly rounds and came by to check on him. It was Adrienne, and Alissa hadn't prepared herself enough for that moment.

  "Good evening, everybody, I've just come by to check on Detective Daniels's post-op recovery." The doctor spoke, adjusting her glasses before she met Alissa's eyes and caught her breath.

  "Alissa, hello, it's been too long." She spoke before Alissa smiled and the doctor did her rounds and charted her findings.

  "He's looking very good right now. The surgery went successfully, we've repaired his lungs and they seem to be working perfectly. When he wakes up in a few hours, we'll discuss his care plan and what his recovery would look like." She reported to Alissa, Shane and Vicki. Alissa was standing by the door, since she wasn't so sure if she wanted to sit down and stay. Adrienne moved towards her and Alissa slipped out the door, meeting her in the hallway.

  "Alissa, I'm so sorry that this happened to your partner. But, it looks like he'll make a full recovery." Adrienne said to Alissa.

  "Thank you, Adrienne, but I'm not so sure what he and I are at this point. I also didn't expect to see you here."

  "Yes, I didn't expect it either. My husband is the head of surgery, and I transferred to this hospital."

  "We're a long way from Boston, Adrienne." Alissa reveled. "I also didn't know you had gotten married."

  "A lot has changed, Alissa." Adrienne chuckled. "My husband, he's wonderful. I'm sorry I didn't invite you to the wedding, I literally couldn't find you and I wasn't sure if after all that time, you'd be resentful of me."

  "No, I just didn't expect to find out about it this way, and to see you again as my friend's doctor. A lot has happened recently."

  "I know it has, and if you'd ever like to talk about it, I'd love to have coffee."

  "I don't think I can do that, Adrienne, but thank you." Alissa said, her voice cracking.

  "How come?"

  "Because you're married now, and I'm still upset at the way you left me. I just lost my fiancée, she was murdered, Adrienne, and then you come back into my life, married, and I just don't think things could ever be the same. We're different people now."

  "I understand." She spoke with her somber brown eyes. "But if things ever change, please, don't hesitate to call me." Adrienne said as she placed her hand in Alissa's, giving it a squeeze as she handed over her business card.

  The sound of Adrienne's heels clacking against the tile soon faded as she turned around the corner, and Alissa wiped away a tear forming at the edge of her eye, gathering herself before she walked back into Matt's room. Even though everything was telling her she should go home, she decided to stay with Matt. She sat down next to Vicki and Shane and fell asleep, her head resting against her hand that was propped up on the arm of the chair.

  When Matt woke up, he was still in a morphine-induced haze, but he knew that Alissa, Shane and Vicki were there. Alissa was snoring, but Vicki and Shane were awake, downing coffee and ready to greet him when he came back to.

  "Hey, guys. What's going on?" Matt asked, then grimacing through the discomfort he just recognized. He didn't feel the pain, but he sure could tell that he had been shot and stabbed.

  "Matty, hey man. It's good to see you awake. Don't try and move, you don't want your stitches to pop. We're here for you, buddy. Scarlet's holding down the fort back at headquarters so we could be here with you. Do you need anything?"

  "No, I think I'm good, it's just a little hard to breathe. I didn't expect Alissa to be here. I really would have bet against it." He chuckled.

  "You were shot in the chest, Matt, but the doctors patched you up and you'll be just fine."

  "You sure about that, buddy? That monitor doesn't sound good." Matt answered, as his vital sign monitor began to chime, and a nurse came in to check on him.

  "Good morning, Detective Daniels. How are you feeling? I see
that you're breathing a bit shallow, are you having any discomfort?"

  "It's just hard to get a good breath."

  "It looks like you're hyperventilating and not getting enough good oxygen. We'll take care of that. How's your pain?"

  "Nothing hurts, but I can tell that I took some bad hits."

  "I'm glad to hear that your pain is managed. Let's get you breathing better, now." The nurse finished, and in a few moments, Adrienne came back in the room to carry out the order for oxygen. Alissa was still fast asleep and would be for some time.

  "His oxygen saturation levels are getting too low for my liking, so I'm going to start him on some oxygen to get that back up."

  Matt was dozing off again underneath his oxygen nonrebreather mask, just as Alissa was waking up. She had a big knot in her neck from the angle she was sleeping at, and she groaned when she changed her position. She rubbed her eyes and turned to Shane and Vicki.

  "How's he doing? Has he woken up yet?"

  "He wasn't breathing very well, and his oxygen saturation was low. They're keeping an eye on him. He was awake for a little bit, but he's asleep again. Speaking of, Vicki and I are going to head home for a bit to check on how things are going at headquarters with Scarlet, and get some rest. We'll be back later today, though. Do you need anything before we go?"

  "Actually, yes. Can you grab me as many nicotine patches as you can find, and some icy hot for my neck?" Alissa asked. "I'm going to stay here for the long-haul."

  "You got it, Lieutenant." Shane smiled, putting a hand on her shoulder before they walked out of Matt's room.

  Alissa had pulled up a chair next to his bed, and Matt was on so much morphine, he was sleeping all day and was barely cognitive. Alissa was alone, Vicki and Shane had gone home to get some real rest and to give Alissa and Matt some private time to talk, if they could. She was tired, the fluorescent lights were messing with her sleep, so she rested her head on Matt's bed as she held his hand, despite the IV tubing hooked up to it. He was so asleep that she was sure he didn't even notice her, and that was even better for her. She could get her things off her chest.

  "Matt, I know that Vanessa wasn't what you expected. Of course, you had no idea that she was a spy and she was taking advantage of you. I'm just so damn angry that you thought it was okay to take her to the wedding, to go out with her, to sleep with her. It makes me feel like you don't value me, and everything we went through doesn't mean anything. I want to be yours, and I want you to want me. But for now, I'll just sit here and hold your hand until you wake up."

  Alissa was silent and Matt was asleep and breathing steadily. She did just that, rested her head against the bed and held his hand, only disturbed by Shane dropping off nicotine patches and some icy-hot for her neck. Alissa stuck on a few patches so she would be able to stay by his side and not have to keep leaving to go out and smoke. She was trying not to relapse any further than she already had, too.

  "Matt, my ex-girlfriend is your doctor, and I lost my fiancée earlier this year. I've been through relationship hell, and I just want to be happy. I thought I had you, but then you were gone. I want to be good enough for you that you'll tell your mom about me. I think it's okay that two people can love each other, but know they're not good for each other, that things just won't work out. Maybe that will be us. Because I think I'm always going to love you, but I don't know if we can ever be together, the way things are between us." She continued, running her fingertips up and down his hand.

  "I can promise not to kiss you, I can promise not to hold you, but I'm always going to want to. It's going to hurt to see you with somebody else, but I guess I just have to accept that. And who knows, this may be all the time we have left with each other."

  Matt had woken up when she began talking, but he could tell that he needed to pretend as if he was still asleep in order to let Alissa get the words off her chest. He was desperate to look into her green eyes, but instead he focused on the soothing tone of her voice and the feel of her fingertips against his skin. It wasn't long before Alissa was asleep again, her hand still intertwined with his. When Matt had enough clarity, he swiped his phone from the side table and dialed his mom's phone number. He spoke softly.

  "Hey, mom, it's me. I just wanted to call and clear things up and to say that I'm in the hospital. That girl you set me up with, Vanessa, she didn't turn out so great. She shot me and stabbed me because she was actually a spy. Yeah, it's not so great, but I'm fine. It's not your fault, none of us knew what was happening until it was over. Mom, trust me, I'm fine. They sewed me up, and I'm on so much pain medication I'm getting the best sleep of my life. Yes, Shane and Vicki were here but they left and it's just me and Alissa. I know the last time we were all together, things weren't great, and that's because you were trying to set me up with a girl while I was already seeing Alissa. Yep, I'm in love with her. We've been dating for a while. I'd like her to be my girlfriend. I didn't tell you before because I've had a hard time making things real lately. But I don't want to mess this one up. Yes, you can come visit, me, ma. Alright, I love you."

  Alissa woke up to the sound of his voice and she brushed back her hair from her face to meet Matt's eyes just as he was telling his mom about her. When he hung up, Alissa spoke first.

  "Did you just tell your mom about me? About us? Was that real or was that just the drugs talking?"

  "Yes, I did, and it was all real. The drugs just made it easier to talk to her. She can be a handful sometimes." Matt answered. "It was way past time for me to tell her. And I know what happened with Vanessa was fucked up, but I promise it'll never happen again."

  "I sure hope you don't get set up with another mafia boss's daughter slash spy and you get shot in the chest and stabbed." Alissa answered. "That would be some really shitty luck, Matt."

  "Well, with this job, and with my luck, you never know. I just didn't want to waste any more time not having you, when it was me that was holding us back." He answered, brushing his hand along her forehead and her hairline, sweeping away the hairs that stuck to her forehead.

  "Why are you all sweaty?"

  "Nicotine withdrawal. Long story. I'm wearing seven nicotine patches as we speak." Alissa explained.

  "As long as you've got it under control, babe." Matt answered, turning his attention then to the nurse coming in to check on him.

  "Detective, you look as if you're feeling a lot better. How are things going?"

  "I'm breathing a lot better now. I feel like I could even go for a walk or something, I'm a lot less tired."

  "That's great to hear. Patient transport is on their way to take you out of the ICU and move you to our general recovery unit, and you should be out of here in another day or two. When you're at home, you should take it easy. You'll get full care instructions and information about when to come back for a check-up and stitch removal. Once we get you transferred to the other unit, I'll see if we can coordinate a trip outside for some fresh air."

  Matt was on track to go home in a few days, and the nurses made sure he knew what medications he had to take, how to do wound care, and when to come back so he could get his stitches removed.

  "How many people do you live with? Who do you live with that can help with your care?" A nurse asked.

  "I live by myself with my dog, but I've got some great friends who can help."

  "I'm his girlfriend, I've heard all the information, I can help with his care." Alissa chimed in.

  "Great. That way, if anything happens or if his condition changes, you can bring him right back since you're educated on his health."

  Alissa was just excited that she finally got to declare herself his girlfriend, and she knew she made the right choice to forgive him. Matt was almost always open about his emotions, and even when it hurt, he told her about what was going on inside his head. When he was apologizing in the ambulance, Alissa knew that was real. She could tell after all her years alive when someone was being real and when somebody wasn't. She saw the look in his eyes, and she knew
it was real. She had spent long enough on earth to know when something was real and when it wasn't, and the look in his eyes when he was in the ambulance commanded attention in such a way that she couldn't look away.

  The team was taking shifts visiting matt, so they'd be able to keep the office running while also supporting Matt's recovery. A few days later, Matt was being released from the hospital, and Alissa had the honors of pushing him out in the wheelchair. They met Shane outside in front of the Mustang with Vicki who had flowers and Scarlet who was her usual stoic self, but happy to see Matt alive and well.

  "Okay, buddy, you better do everything they told you to do, because you're not getting hurt again on my watch. Make sure you heal one hundred percent, because we can't have you out there half-assing everything. You're a whole ass, so it would be off brand if you didn't." Shane chirped with a chuckle.

  "You got it, boss. I didn't really plan for this, but I'll plan for it not to be repeated, that's for sure." Matt answered before they eased him up out of the wheelchair and into the passenger's seat. Alissa drove him and Shane went back with Vicki and Scarlet, and it wasn't too long before they were at Matt's house.

  "Home sweet home," Matt said as Alissa pulled up into the driveway.

  "Dieter is going to be really happy to see you, man. I've been taking care of him, and boy, does he miss you. But, I might be his new favorite."

  "You think you're his new favorite? Dieter is so bonded to me, you wouldn't believe-" Matt tried to counter lightheartedly, until they walked inside his house and Dieter came up to them and jumped on Alissa first, giving her kisses all over her face.

  "I see why you think you're his favorite, he's in it for the treats! Look at my damn dog, he's a chunk monster now!" Matt exclaimed.

  "Sorry, it's not my fault a new gourmet dog bakery opened up right across the street from the office and I couldn't resist." Alissa defended. "By the way, the cupcakes on the counter are dog cupcakes. The cupcakes I made are on top of the fridge."