Not According to Plan

by A. m Madden

  “You should move back to Jersey and take that job.”

  She didn’t even object; she just stared at me. Whether it was from shock or agreement, I couldn’t be sure.

  “It makes perfect sense,” I explained. “This will enable you to stay in New York. It will give you the support and help that I can’t. You worked so hard for that opportunity, and you need to take it.” There was no way of knowing what ran through her mind. Still, I continued to try to persuade her. “I’ll fly back as much as I can to see you and Michael. Just because I need to split my life in two doesn’t mean you have to. You and Michael belong here, surrounded by your family and mine.”

  “Max…” Her tears fell again, and she swiped them away, looking annoyed by their appearance.

  “Baby, I’m sorry I pushed you so hard.” I cupped her face with my other hand and stared into her gorgeous eyes. “Now isn’t a time for you to be sad. We just had a perfect baby boy, and he’s lucky to have a mom who’s beautiful and strong and deserves better than a part-time partner.”

  “That’s for me to decide,” she said, her voice hoarse and clipped.

  “You’re right. It is for you to decide. And I love you enough to make sure your decision isn’t biased because of me.”

  “Someone is ready to be with his parents,” a sing-songy voice said from the doorway. I tried to ignore the stabbing pain in my chest when Jade pulled her hand from mine.

  “How is he?” she asked the same nurse who I’d seen in the NICU.

  “He’s great.” She wheeled him in with a beaming smile. “He’ll be ready to eat soon, but you can get to know each other while he’s quiet.” She lifted Michael from his bassinet and placed him in Jade’s arms before snapping her fingers at me. “Dad. Give me your phone again. Picture time.” Robotically, I unlocked my cell and handed it to her. She moved around to the other side of Jade’s bed and said, “Smile!” A few clicks later, she handed my phone back to me. I pocketed it without looking at the photos. “Okay, kids,” she said. “I’ll leave you all alone.”

  The moment she walked out, I cupped Michael’s head in one hand and Jade’s cheek with the other. “Hey.”

  Her eyes lifted to mine.

  “I don’t want you worrying about any of what your dad said or I said,” I lied to spare her from my unsettling thought of giving her up. Forcing a smile, I then asked, “Okay?” The expression on her face contradicted her nod. Regardless, I skimmed a thumb across her cheek, holding the deceptive smile on my face. She’d never know the crushing pain I felt deep inside my chest. “I love you.”

  “Me, too.”

  I pressed my lips to hers, savoring the deep physical connection that never seemed to be a problem for us. I had her for the next few weeks, and during I vowed to enjoy every second of it. But as each grain of sand sifted through the hourglass of our time together, I knew once it emptied, I’d never be the same.

  Pushing it all aside, I tried to focus on what was important at that moment.

  Being with Jade and my son.

  Chapter Thirty-Four

  Jade

  Between Michael’s arrival and the revolving door of visitors who came and went for the rest of the day, we never resumed our conversation. The way it dangled without a clear conclusion made us both vulnerable. It felt like we suddenly began walking on eggshells around each other.

  When Max and my father came face-to-face, they took a walk together and came back with a very obvious forced civility between them. I wasn’t sure I’d ever get the truth from either of them. My guess was they decided to put aside their differences for now…for my sake.

  Max and I did manage to discuss what should happen once we left the hospital.

  Although my parents were hoping I’d go home and let them dote on me and play nurse to Michael as I recovered, Max requested I go to his apartment. He’d be in New York for four short weeks, and the unknown of what would be after he left created desperation to spend every moment together.

  Shockingly, my father accepted my decision with merely a nod. That was yet another giveaway he and Max had a chat. Together, they probably came to an agreement that as long as Max was home, he’d be taking care of Michael and me. But once his month was up, my parents could take the reins.

  Sometime after dinner, I passed out, exhausted, and woke from Michael’s cry wanting to be fed. Max had been asleep in the chair in my room, stayed up with me while the baby ate, and resumed his place for the rest of the night.

  Before I knew it, morning arrived along with another feeding for Michael. One thing was for sure, when a hospital was ready to release you, you were out much quicker than it took to sign all the paperwork.

  Throughout, Max was right there by my side. As we exited my room, the way Max held the empty car seat in one hand and the diaper bag in the other made me ache for a life with him.

  It was hard to believe a few days earlier I had flown into this lobby, Amy hot on my heels, ready to have a baby. It seemed like a blip of time had passed since then, and on some level, it also seemed like an eternity.

  Michael looked adorable in his blue snowsuit, all bundled up and warm, so tiny under all that puffiness. My concerns flurried through me like a blizzard, a contradiction to the light snow that majestically drifted down just outside the sliding glass doors.

  When the nurse behind me placed a hand on my shoulder, I flinched. “Looks like your ride is here,” she said. Max had pulled up directly in front of the doors, rushing back in to get us with an umbrella so big it could be used on the beach.

  “Ready to go home?” he asked, his eyes glittering like wet sea glass.

  I glanced down at Michael, who slept fitfully in my arms. “We’re ready,” I lied. I wasn’t ready. I was scared to death. Here was this perfect little human who depended on me for everything he needed, and the pressure to not screw it all up became a suffocating force within me. In addition to the way my relationship with Max hung in the balance made it all too much to handle.

  Once we got to Max’s place, our goal was all about establishing a routine and becoming accustomed to being parents. But at times, it felt like we were strangers. When Michael was fed, changed, and in his crib sleeping peacefully, the distraction he provided until then made it impossible to now avoid the elephant in the room.

  We ordered dinner in, and as we sat down, Max was first to bring it up. “I’ll be here until the end of March. I wish I could stay longer, but we have an event early April that I can’t reschedule.”

  That seemed like it would come in a blink of an eye. “Okay.”

  “Have you thought about moving back home?”

  “I’m not moving back home.”

  “Jade. You need help. Amy travels so much. If you insist on staying in your apartment, then I’ll hire a nurse to help you.”

  “Can you stop, Max? I’m more than capable of taking care of my son. I don’t need a nurse.”

  “I’m not saying you aren’t capable, but it would make me feel better knowing you had help. Things will change, though, once you start your new job. I’m prepared to hire a full-time nanny to watch Michael. Of course, then you’ll need to move to different apartment. But, in my opinion, your parents would be better suited as caretakers.”

  I couldn’t shake the eerie feeling he had carefully thought this through, presenting a plan like a dying man would prepare a future for his loved ones.

  “I’m not moving home,” I repeated, losing my patience.

  It felt like we were talking in circles for a solid hour; we were no better than where we’d been before we started. And then to add insult to injury, I got a call from Mr. Arnold, the partner who had offered me the job.

  “Hello?”

  “Hello, Ms. Easton. I was just following up with you to see if you made a decision on my offer.”

  “Hello, Mr. Arnold. I actually have been a bit busy,�
�� I said on a nervous laugh, ignoring Max’s eyes trained on me. “I had my baby a few days ago.”

  “Oh, that’s wonderful news. Congratulations. I hope all is well?”

  “Yes. He’s great. Is it okay if I get back to you in a week or so?”

  “Absolutely. Take your time and God bless your son.”

  I thanked him, and he hung up.

  Instantly, Max said, “Jade, you need to accept that job.” It wasn’t a question. He left no further room for discussion. I watched, detached, as he cleared our plates and cleaned up dinner. Michael woke shortly after, halting our conversation yet again. Unfortunately, that was the last thing said on the subject.

  Max tried to ease our tension with his open affections, keeping me entertained, slipping back to his old self. When together, Max was the man I had fallen in love with, and it only served to create a new ache within me. But with each day that went by, with each kiss, each touch, there seemed to be a desperate finality behind them.

  A few days later, Sapphire called to announce she’d be over to visit. At hearing this, Max decided to run to the gym for an hour or so and then stop at the supermarket on the way home.

  “You don’t have to leave,” I said, annoyed at the situation. “Sapphire isn’t against us.”

  Ignoring my snark, he came over to where I was standing near the island, caging me in as he gripped the granite behind me. “I’m leaving to give you space. I was hoping you’d come to a decision on your own, but clearly you need to talk to someone.”

  “That’s what I tried to do with you, but you made it a one-sided discussion.”

  “It is a one-sided discussion.” A wave of frustration, one I’d become very accustomed to, pricked at the resentment I held just under the surface. That was the true problem. I really wanted to be with Max, but I wanted that here in New York. And I was well aware how selfish that sounded.

  “Jade, the only thing I want you to worry about right now is Michael’s and your wellbeing. But if discussing things with Sapphire will help you, then I want you to do that freely so you can make your decision.”

  That was easier said than done. My confusion felt like a steel weight holding down a bouquet of colorful balloons repressing any possibility for my joy to soar. The intense contradicting feelings that battled in my heart exhausted me, like squirrels chasing each other at play. Round and round the confused feelings went, bouncing between sorrow and happiness.

  “Fine, go.” He wanted me to talk to my sister, then I would.

  “Anything else you need besides what’s on the list?” he asked, ignoring my snark.

  “No.”

  “Okay.” He held my face and kissed my lips softly. Our usual escalated level of passion and electricity had been replaced with an awkwardness that hung in the air, thick enough to cut with a knife. Seconds later, he grabbed his coat and was out the door.

  I didn’t have time to think about it when Michael began to cry just as Sapphire arrived. Opening the door, I said a quick, “Hi,” before hustling to his room to grab him.

  “I just saw Max.” She followed me in and cooed while I changed his diaper. “It looks great in here. He really busted his ass to get this room ready.”

  “I know. He worked hard on it.”

  Max blew my mind with what he accomplished in that room. Only a few days ago, it was a catchall for all the baby stuff we accumulated. Furniture needed assembling and some of the gifts we had received were piled in one corner. But now, this room was perfect.

  Max had chosen a sports theme. The crib was centered on one wall with decals of different sports decorating it. The glider held its place of honor facing the crib with a small table beside it that held a baseball-shaped lamp. The changing table was set up and ready for use; in the drawers were some of the clothing we received at the shower, washed and folded neatly.

  It was now a space dedicated to Michael, and the transformation was unreal.

  “How do you feel, Mommy?”

  “Fine. It’s easy to recover when you have a man who refuses to let you do anything but breastfeed and rest.” Her silence had me glancing up in between wipes. She didn’t look herself, and the sadness in her eyes had me asking, “What’s wrong?”

  “Nothing.” She waved me off. “How are you really feeling?” My sister could always read me well.

  “Did you feel like you were losing your mind after you had Kenner and Everly?”

  “In what way?”

  “Like, angry at the world?”

  “No.” She narrowed her eyes a bit before adding, “It’s not the world you’re angry with. It’s yourself.”

  “No, I’m not.”

  “Yes, you are.” Refusing to get into a pissing contest with my sister, I concentrated on fastening Michael’s diaper. “Why are you so stubborn?” she asked, refusing to let me off the hook.

  “Wow, so we’re jumping right into it, then?”

  She nudged me aside and took Michael in her arms. “No better time than the present.” She walked out toward the living room like she owned the place while Michael began to fuss. “Is he due to eat?”

  “Yes.”

  Reluctantly, she passed me the baby, crowding me when I got on the coach to begin feeding him.

  “I don’t want you getting upset, but I have a lot to say, and you need to listen to me.” I focused on my son, deciding it was much more enjoyable than getting into a debate with my sister. “I think Dad is wrong.”

  “Dad is wrong,” I easily agreed.

  “And…I think you should move to Miami.” Shocked, I gawked at her. “Let me tell you why I think you should.” I prepared myself for a long list of arguments, but all she said was, “Love.”

  “Love?”

  “Yes.”

  “Saph, there is no question we love each other. It’s more complicated than that.”

  “Really, it’s not.”

  My chest ached. “What happens if things don’t work out between us?”

  “Jade, you two have already been through some pretty difficult situations. You got this.” She took my hand in between both of hers. “That man loves you very much. So much so, he wanted you to move in with Dad just to avoid confusing you, to avoid pushing you into something he thinks you don’t want. But you do want it. I can see it in your eyes when you look at him. You can’t ignore he’s your future.”

  My silence gave her the opportunity to continue. “Nothing,” she said, “and I mean nothing is as important for you and for Michael than a happy, loving life. You have that with Max.” Sapphire’s eyes suddenly swelled with tears, and when one fell, she raised a shaky hand to swipe it away.

  “What’s wrong?” I asked, squeezing her other hand in mine.

  “I miscarried.” Instantly, tears came to me as well while I tightened my grip.

  “Oh, Saph. I’m so sorry. When?”

  “It doesn’t matter,” she said, and I suspected it coincided with Michael’s birth. “I haven’t told Mom or Dad yet. And I’m only telling you now because you need to focus on what’s important. Please don’t give up on the best thing that’s ever walked into your life. Forget all the expectations you held; forget every outside influence. The bottom line is, with every complication that hits us in life, we simply need to choose to be happy whenever we can.”

  Slowly, the pressure in my chest began to relieve at her logic. It was like my sister flipped a switch with her rudimentary opinion.

  It really was that simple.

  I loved him…therefore, I needed to choose Max.

  Chapter Thirty-Five

  Max

  It already had been two weeks since Jade and Michael came home from the hospital. Now that he was with us, it was hard to imagine life without him. Truth be told, it was hard to imagine what would happen in two short weeks when I flew back to Miami.

  After
Sapphire’s visit, Jade didn’t say much but asked for space to think. I respected her wishes, all while devising a game plan. I had decided I’d find a way to come home every other weekend, knowing it just wasn’t enough. I missed Mia and couldn’t wait to see her. But the closer that day came, the closer my new reality would as well…being separated from Jade and Michael.

  I loved being a dad to both my kids. But being a full-time dad to Michael these two weeks overwhelmed my emotions. Shit, that little baby already had me wrapped around his little finger. There wasn’t a thing I wouldn’t do for him or his mom. But Jade was fully aware if push came to shove, Michael’s needs would trump hers, and then afterward I’d scramble to get whatever Jade needed.

  The sound of Michael’s escalating whimpers caused Jade to stir beside me. She snuggled closer to my body with a sigh. I knew she was so tired, but skipping the middle of the night feeding was not an option. Jade had become a tyrant regarding her breastfeeding routine. Even if I gave our son a bottle of breast milk she had pumped, she’d insist on being there to witness it.

  I got her motive. Watching Jade feed our son were moments I treasured.

  The sound of Michael now wailing meant the prince’s patience was up. “Mmm…” Jade moaned adorably during a languid stretch. “What time is it?”

  “Three. I’ll go change him,” I offered to give Jade a few more minutes to wake.

  “Thank you,” she said, her voice groggy from sleep. As I kissed her head and pulled on a pair of sweats, she added, “I love you.”

  “Me, too.” Lately, those words came much more freely. I tried not to read too heavily as to why.

  The moment I entered his room, Michael’s sweet baby scent assaulted me. “Hey, bud.” I lifted him out of the crib, still so tiny in comparison to my hands, and his face scrunched in annoyance. He wasn’t in the mood for chitchat. “Okay, okay. Mommy’s coming,” I whispered on a chuckle.