All You Desire

by Kirsten Miller

  “You keep telling me to trust myself. What the hell do you suppose I’ve been doing? What do you think got me into this mess? Maybe I’m not the person you think I am, Leah. You never met Beatrice Vettori. You don’t know what I was like in the past. Maybe my heart is the last thing I should be listening to.”

  With her head still leaning against the window, Haven could see the scrawny redheaded girl reflected in the glass. She looked no more than fifteen years old. Goddess or not, what did she know about the dark corners of Haven’s heart?

  “Iain’s mother warned me, you know,” Haven added. “She said I would do terrible things if the gods turned against me.”

  “What exactly have you done that’s so terrible?”

  Haven didn’t respond, but the list of her crimes was forming inside her head. Lied to Iain. Spied on Iain. Kissed Adam Rosier. Tried to hire a thug to beat up Beau’s kidnapper. Broke Iain’s heart. Proved his mother right.

  “Listen, I know it’s been a bad day,” Leah continued as the cab pulled up in front of the Andorra apartments. “But I’m not going to let you give up just yet. This story’s more complicated than you think it is—and Haven Moore is starting to look like its heroine. You know that Milo kid you and Owen were just talking about? I think I saw him a while back.”

  “Where?”

  “On television a few weeks ago. Talking some nonsense about ‘destiny.’ I thought it was just a weird dream at the time, but now I’m starting to wonder if it might have been the first vision I had about all of this.”

  “What do you think it means?”

  “I’m guessing Milo could have something to do with the bodies in Union Square.”

  “Ladies, you getting out here or what?” the cabdriver barked.

  “Come upstairs with me?” Leah asked. “Have a cup of coffee and help me save the world?”

  It was Leah’s idea of a joke, but Haven didn’t feel like laughing.

  “Where else do I have to go?” she said, sliding across the backseat.

  WHEN THEY REACHED Frances Whitman’s door, Leah pulled a key from her pocket and put a finger to her lips.

  “She went to bed early,” Leah explained in a hushed voice. “I think we really blew her mind this afternoon. She could use a good rest.”

  “Can’t say I blame her,” Haven said as Leah opened the door. “Wait till she hears the rest of the story.”

  “Whoops!” Leah took half a step inside the apartment, turned around, and slammed the door shut with the key still in the lock. “I forgot. Frances said she ran out of coffee this morning. You know what? Why don’t I just pop down to the supermarket and pick some up?”

  “Leah?” Haven called as the girl hurried toward the elevator. “Do you even know where the supermarket is?”

  “I’ll be back in a few minutes,” Leah shouted down the hall. “You just go on inside.”

  Haven pushed through the door to find Iain waiting in Frances’s apartment. At first she stared at him, unable to sort through the relief, anger, and desire that were all vying for her heart. He met her eyes, but he didn’t move. Haven felt herself being transported back two years in time, to a scene on a bridge in the middle of Rome. It was the day Iain had asked her to stay with him in Italy. The question had frightened her. She hadn’t been ready to acknowledge who he was—the person she had always been meant to find. Now he seemed to be asking her to choose again. He didn’t need to say the words. And Haven didn’t need to search for an answer. Adam Rosier could never make her feel this way. She rushed into Iain’s arms.

  “Why would you do something so stupid?” she sobbed. “Were you trying to get yourself killed?”

  “Haven, Haven,” Iain whispered in her ear. “Don’t cry. I was never in any danger.”

  “How can you say that?” Haven pulled back, leaving his shirt wet with tears. “What if Adam had agreed to meet you in Harlem? Do you really think you could have locked him in that vault all by yourself?”

  “Believe it or not, I have learned a few things since Cordoba, Haven. I had everything planned out this time. I never expected Adam to meet me. The whole point was to let him know I was alive—and let him think I was desperate to win you back. That way you’d be safe and above suspicion when I finally got a chance to confront him in front of you. I wanted you to see that he could still act like a monster. But that’s not what happened, is it?”

  “You just got lucky!” Haven exclaimed. “Some of those OS members would have murdered you on the spot!”

  “Yes, but there was never any chance that they would. For two reasons. First, I’d arranged for Padma to show up as soon as it looked like I was in trouble. But the second reason is . . . well . . . I guess I’ve been wrong about everything.”

  “You’ve been wrong?” It was the very last thing Haven had expected to hear.

  “And you’ve been right. Adam is different. Two years ago, he would have let those bodyguards beat me to death, but tonight he ordered them not to touch me. Because of you, Haven. As much as I hate to admit it, you do have some kind of power over him. And if you believe Adam is really trying to fix the OS, I’m going to take your word for it from now on. I know Padma scared a lot of people at the party, but her threats won’t be enough to close down the Society. And all she wants is to be paid for her silence. So if you still think the Society should be saved, I’ll do whatever I can to help you.”

  “I don’t know what I believe anymore,” Haven said, suddenly exhausted. The events of the evening had drained every last drop of the faith Haven had once had in herself. She felt hollow and empty.

  Iain helped Haven to a chair and kneeled by her side.

  “What’s wrong? Did something happen after I left the party?” he asked.

  “I found Naddo. His name now is Owen Bell. But he didn’t take Beau. I think Adam might have. And if he did, then I’m just the idiot everyone thought I was.”

  “Are you sure Adam took Beau?”

  “I’m not sure of anything,” Haven admitted. “All I know is someone kidnapped my best friend and beat him like a dog. Did you see the picture?”

  “Yeah. It was e-mailed to me too.” Iain drew in a deep breath and closed his eyes like a man preparing to take a plunge. “I can’t believe I’m saying this, but I don’t think Adam is behind Beau’s disappearance. I don’t think he would inflict that kind of pain on you. Not anymore.”

  “Great.” Haven threw herself back in the chair. “Now you trust Adam Rosier, and I can’t even trust myself. I’ve done some horrible things in the past few days. I told myself that I had to do whatever it took to help Beau. But that was just an excuse. I’ve been pretty awful in all of my lives. That’s who I am. Beatrice Vettori—the girl who betrayed her only brother and ended up getting him murdered.”

  “No,” Iain stated, as if there were no other possible answer. “I don’t know what you’ve seen in your visions, but if Beatrice betrayed Piero, it must have been a mistake. Don’t forget, Haven, I knew you both. Beatrice would never have hurt her brother on purpose.”

  “That’s what Leah said. I wish one of you knew for sure.”

  Iain’s eyebrows rose at the mention of Leah’s name. “I thought that was Leah who opened the door. What’s she doing here?”

  Haven’s head throbbed. There were too many mysteries crammed inside it. “Leah’s been having visions of the future. She sees dead bodies in Union Square. She’s pretty sure something terrible is going to happen in New York. And now she thinks a kid named Milo from Halcyon Hall might be connected.”

  “How long have you known about this? Why didn’t you tell me?” Iain asked.

  “Leah asked me not to say anything. She said the future might change if other people got involved. She wanted a chance to fix things herself, and she thinks she’s got time. Her visions all take place in the summertime.”

  “This coming summer?” Iain asked, and Haven shrugged helplessly.

  “Well, that settles it. Leah’s going to accept my help whethe
r she wants it or not. As soon as we save Beau we’ll get started saving New York.”

  “You’re forgetting something, Iain,” Haven tried to warn him. “You can’t just go around saving anyone right now. The police must know you’re alive, and there are a whole lot of people in high places who’d like to see you put away for murdering Jeremy Johns.”

  “The way I see it, that’s the least of our worries,” Iain said. “Let’s just focus on finding Beau. I’ll save myself later.”

  “But where am I supposed to start looking for Beau if my only suspect now is Adam Rosier?”

  “Maybe you should start by finding out what Adam knows.”

  CHAPTER THIRTY-EIGHT

  The lights of the Ouroboros Society looked as though they’d been out for hours. The building was completely still. Even the ivy appeared to have given up scaling the walls. A young man sat on the stoop in a tuxedo, contemplating the night. What he saw there held him spellbound, and he didn’t seem to feel the world freezing around him. Haven could almost hear the ice forming on the trees of Gramercy Park. The sound of her heels on the cold concrete drew his attention. He watched her approach, his expression slightly befuddled, as if she might be a figment of his imagination.

  “Did you rescue Beau?” Adam asked.

  “No,” Haven said, taking a seat by his side. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have left when I did. Are you okay?”

  “Yes, thank you. I survived the evening unscathed. I’m not so sure about the Society, however.”

  “What’s going to happen now?”

  “Some people will leave the OS,” Adam said. “Most won’t. But it may be the best who choose not to stay—the ones who might have made the Ouroboros Society a better place in the end.”

  Haven said nothing. Adam’s eyes were on her, but she couldn’t meet his gaze.

  “Something is different,” he said softly. “Did Iain manage to change your mind about me? I knew what I was risking when I allowed him to live. I’m willing to do whatever you ask of me, but I can’t help what I am. I would give anything to have real blood in my veins.”

  “Do you know where I went tonight?” Haven asked.

  “Yes. I sent a man after you to make sure you were safe. You went to see Owen Bell.”

  “I’ve wasted almost two weeks looking for the person Beau loved in Florence. You must have known who Naddo was all along. Why didn’t you tell me?”

  “Naddo? It didn’t occur to me that you might be searching for Naddo,” Adam argued. “You never mentioned which life held the clues you needed to find. Did you?”

  Haven paused to search her memory. “No,” she admitted. “I guess I didn’t.”

  “And I was reluctant to pry. But if you had told me, I would have assured you that Owen couldn’t be responsible for Beau’s disappearance. Surely you must realize that now.”

  “I do. Which leaves me with a single suspect, Adam. Did you kidnap Beau so that I would have to come back to New York? Tell me the truth this time. Please.”

  “Haven!” Adam’s shock seemed genuine. His hand rose to comfort her, then fell back into his lap. “I played no part in Beau’s kidnapping. I’ve been doing everything in my power to find him, even though I know he will try to turn you against me.”

  Haven refused to be moved. She forced herself to stick to the facts. “The person who called himself Roy Bradford knew that Beau had once lived in fourteenth-century Florence. Whoever it was knew that Owen and I were there as well. You are the only one who shared the same life with the three of us. Are you Roy Bradford?”

  “Haven, you must believe me. I never would have reminded you of our days together in Florence! And I had no desire to drag you back to New York in this lifetime. I needed to finish the improvements I’ve been planning—to myself and the Society. At this point, they’re far from complete.”

  He was so persuasive. Haven could feel herself slipping back down the slope again.

  “There’s another thing, Adam. I’ve had visions of my life in Florence. I know that you and Beatrice were engaged.”

  “Yes,” Adam said. “Those were some of the happiest days of my existence. I wish they had been as pleasant for you.”

  Haven felt a twinge of pity, but she pressed on. “I know that Piero didn’t want us to marry. Did you start the rumors that he was gay? Did you arrange for him to be murdered?”

  For a moment, under the moonlight, Adam’s face was that of a very old being. “Florence was seven hundred years ago, Haven. I thought you wanted to let go of the past.”

  “Please, answer me.”

  “The truth is ugly,” Adam told her. “I hid it from you then. I would prefer to keep it from you now.”

  “You don’t have to protect me. I’m not as fragile as you think,” Haven insisted. “I need to know what really happened.”

  “Your brother was going to stop our wedding. You weren’t in love with me—even I knew that. But I’d given you the one thing you wanted in that lifetime—your freedom. You didn’t want to be back under your mother’s thumb. You and Piero argued, and you didn’t watch your tongue as you should have. One of the servants must have been eavesdropping. Eventually Naddo’s employer heard the rumors. He had your brother and his lover killed. Their bodies were dumped in the Arno River.”

  “No!” Haven whispered in horror.

  “It was a tragic mistake, Haven. You never wanted Piero to be harmed. When you found out he was dead, you blamed me. I was the reason you were feuding with him in the first place. You turned against me, and then you helped the Horae imprison me.”

  “Even though you were innocent?”

  “I’ve never been innocent. But I didn’t kill Piero.”

  “Then why did I help the Horae?”

  “I asked you that same question years later. You told me that it had been easier to believe that I was a villain rather than acknowledge your own role in Piero’s death.”

  Beatrice had been selfish and reckless, but Haven had never imagined that she was capable of such cold-blooded cruelty. She wanted to reach inside herself and rip the girl out. “If what you’ve said is true, I don’t know if I’ll be able to live with myself.”

  Adam took her hand, and Haven didn’t pull away. “Yes, you will,” he promised. “You’ll find a way to accept the past and do your best to avoid those mistakes in the present. Don’t you see? That’s what I’m trying to do now. The Ouroboros Society can make a difference in the world, but it will never repair all the damage I’ve done. It’s a start, though. And if you’re by my side, it could be a wonderful chance for both of us to make amends.”

  “You still want me to help you lead the Society?”

  “I do,” Adam insisted. “More than anything.”

  Haven turned to face him. “Then prove I can trust you. Find Beau. And get rid of Milo Elliot. Send him away from New York—somewhere he can’t do any harm.”

  She had taken Adam by surprise. “What does Milo have to do with all of this?” he asked. “His only purpose now is to put Owen Bell’s ideas into action.”

  But what was his original purpose? Haven wondered. “You know Milo is dangerous, don’t you?” she asked instead.

  “He doesn’t need to be dangerous. I can control him. Milo is whatever I want him to be.”

  Haven couldn’t help but shiver. “You’ve known Milo before?”

  “Yes, we’ve worked together many times in the past. I’ve often thought of him as my secret weapon. I’m only able to tempt one person at a time, but Milo has the ability to inspire entire nations to follow him. I’ve used him in his other lives to lead the masses down perilous paths. Now I was hoping he could guide them in another direction.”

  Adam didn’t seem to understand what he’d done. Milo could never be harmless. It was like using a loaded bazooka as a coat rack.

  “You have to get rid of him, Adam. Something terrible is going to happen in New York, and Milo may be responsible.”

  “Are you saying you’ve seen the futur
e?”

  “No, but I know someone who has.”

  Adam stared into the dark garden in front of them. “My men told me there was a girl waiting for you when you went to see Owen Bell. Is she the one who sees the future? What has she told you?”

  Haven didn’t reply. She had already given too much away.

  “Well then,” Adam said. “It seems a wild card has been introduced to the game. Still, I’ll do as you ask. My motives are pure. The snake goddess will confirm that I have nothing to hide.”

  CHAPTER THIRTY-NINE

  “Here! Haven!” Calum jumped up and dragged a chair to the end of the table he was sharing with Alex. They had called Haven at ten in the morning and insisted she meet them at a diner down the street from her hotel. Haven had accepted the invitation, though the thought of food made her queasy. She was more interested in swapping information than sharing breakfast.

  “You didn’t pay the owner to empty the place?” Haven asked Alex. There were other customers inside the diner, a few of them sneaking peeks at the two teenage stars tucked into a booth. “Is there a reason you’ve deigned to dine with the great unwashed?”

  “We’re undercover,” Alex explained. “This is where we come to get away from the Society. None of the members would ever set foot in a place like this. And after Owen gave me shit about buying out the café the other day—”

  “Is he coming?” Haven interrupted.

  “He got called in to the OS,” Calum confided, leaning across an omelet that he hadn’t touched. “The merde is hitting the fan at Gramercy Park. Owen told me thirty people resigned this morning. And Adam’s just letting them go! If Padma were still president, she’d have them all picked off by snipers as they walked through the door. Speaking of which, Haven Moore, where did you go last night? You left in the middle of all the fun.”

  “It wasn’t much fun for me,” Haven said.

  “You poor thing,” Alex said, trying to commiserate. “Calum bet that you wouldn’t be back. Looks like I won. Adam always gets what he wants.”