The Broken Canvas

by Tai Barnett

  “Well…being in love is never easy, Brody. But certainly, should never be hard work. The life-force of love is inherent in all of us. We just have to find that one person that pulsates on the exact same energy as we do.”

  And well some of us do and some of us don’t. Then some will find it and stare it blatantly into the face and walk away from it. Well…you have time, the best of luck to you and Natasha, my friend," Oscar said.

  Sick Days

  By now, they could stuff me like a turkey. I was due in about a few weeks, relaxing outside my backyard while the children played in the shrubbery where Vernon was gardening.

  I was trying to paint to stop thinking about Andrew but, I just couldn’t. That old canvas had been waiting a long time. A few splashes here and there, then the years went by and it was still unfinished. I just can’t seem to get a clear vision of this picture inside of my head. It was haunting me now.

  But by the time the afternoon sun was about going down, the top half of my canvas had been shattered because my water suddenly broke, tripping me and accidently falling unto the edge of the bench and was torn.

  My masterpiece had been broken and I was not sure when I was going to fix it.

  The first person I thought of while they hustled and bustled about into the hospital to take my little girl out were my other two little angels. But then, I thought of Brody and my family. And then the last thing that came into my head—the last face that I saw before my daughter was born…was Andrews’.

  A few hours later I was back home and celebrated the birth of my plump eight pounds seven-ounce little daughter, Elizabeth. Then I saw Lauren went into the other room to take her phone call.

  “Ohh…sorry, I missed your calls. I had been working and my phone was on silent,” Andrew said.

  “For three days? Well…OK! But Andrew, the baby is here!” Lauren said.

  Andrew went silent for a moment.

  “This could have been dealt with months ago, if she had just listened to everyone’s advice and had taken the prenatal paternity test,” Andrew exclaimed.

  Lauren sighed.

  “Listen! I won’t do this with you! Having a baby is supposed to be a joyous and wondrous thing, Andrew. Not some unnecessary paternity battle and fight over who needs to forgive who and who cheated on whom. Now, she is doing the test this week, so I will call you by the end of the week with the details…and I will be calling Brody as well to eventually… let you both know of the results…” Lauren said.

  “Fine!” Andrew said and hung up the phone.

  That weekend, Andrew received a phone call from Lauren.

  “You’re the father, Andrew!” Lauren exclaimed.

  Andrew almost fell to the floor in his trailer on the other side of the country in San Francisco.

  “Did you hear me?” Lauren exclaimed.

  “I heard you Lauren, thank you!”

  “And Andrew there is something else. Natasha…aahm Natasha is…she found out that she has Hodgkin Lymphoma,” Lauren said with her voice becoming smaller.

  “What?”

  “It seems she found out a few months ago but didn’t say anything to any of us because she decided that she would start treatment after the baby was born. Her doctor was supposed to induce labor but then she fainted, and they had to remove Elizabeth. She started her treatments, so she is very weak.”

  “Lauren, I will talk to you later on, I have to go,” Andrew said abruptly.

  “But Andrew. She needs—” Lauren heard when the phone hung up.

  But Andrew was not being unsympathetic. His heart was just still broken. And sometimes, a broken heart can be the hardest thing to restore. We look to so many things trying to mend our broken hearts but only the self can repair the fragments of the heart.

  The following week, Lauren stood by my door while holding Elizabeth and rocking her into her arms.

  Every day was becoming more of a challenge to even sit up in bed, let alone to breast feed. Then I had to stop, because I started with my radiation treatments.

  Michael walked into the room and came over to my bed. He kissed me on the forehead and walked over to the window.

  “Why you be closing these windows like you are mourning or something? I’ll slide them to the side a little, let some of the light in,” Michael said.

  He walked over to Lauren and started caressing Elizabeth’s cheeks.

  I was feeling weaker and weaker, but I wasn’t about to give up just yet.

  “Would you look at her? She looks just like you, Tasha,” Michael said.

  “Where are the children?” I said

  “Vernon is on his way back getting them from school!” Lauren said.

  “OK. As soon as they’re here, let me know, alright? I want them to spend the rest of the night with me…right beside me, all of them.”

  Michael and Lauren looked at each other.

  “But Tasha, the baby is too small to sleep with all of you. Y’all may accidently squish her to death,” Michael said.

  I shook my head and suddenly started crying. I grabbed a few napkins that were on my side table.

  “Tasha, don’t you start with that crying, honey, because everything is going be just fine,” Michael said walking over to where I was sitting.

  “What kind of a mother am I? I can’t even breastfeed my own daughter. You know that I enjoyed that time bonding with all my children, now I can’t sleep beside her and can hardly hold her because of how weak I am! I don’t know what I have done but it seems that I have been cursed because of what I had done to Andrew.”

  We heard a sudden knock on the door and saw Vernon coming in with soup and Charles and Rose rushed behind him. They jumped on my bed and wrapped their arms around me.

  “Oh, my darlings! Come give your mummy kisses!”

  They plastered my entire face with kisses.

  “Mummy, when are you going to get better? We have to go shopping, remember?” Rose said.

  “Ohh, my baby Rose, as soon as I am well, we will spend an entire day together…I promise!”

  Charles stood on the bed and started jumping up and down.

  “Oh, honey, be careful…” I said while admiring his plump cheeks

  Vernon walked over to me and slowly handed me the soup. He grabbed Charles from jumping and placed him on the floor.

  “Now I know you told me that you ain’t hungry, Tasha, but you need the nutrients to help your body recover from all this…” Vernon said.

  “Thank you, Vernon.”

  I could see Lauren looking at her phone and when she nervously whispered something in Michael’s ears.

  Vernon looked at them.

  “Well…what is it? What’s going on?” Vernon exclaimed.

  “Ahem…Andrew is right outside the door, Tasha. He wants to see you,” Michael said.

  I almost fainted! God had finally answered my prayers. But I wasn’t nervous long enough until I saw the door opening. Andrew walked in and before he could say a word, the children ran over to him screaming his name and Charles tugging at his pants to lift him up.

  Andrew looked at Lauren holding the baby and Michael standing beside her.

  Vernon went over to Lauren and took Elizabeth.

  He slowly walked over to Andrew.

  “This is Elizabeth Amelia Kingston, your daughter…” Vernon said. He handed Andrew the baby and softly took Charles and Rose’s hands.

  “Now, you two, come on downstairs with me for some ice-cream,” Vernon said. He looked at Michael and Lauren.

  “I think we should give them space to talk.”

  They all went downstairs and left Andrew holding his first new-born baby girl. He walked towards the rocking chair and sat there, looked into her eyes and scrutinizing her little fingers and toes. Then, he had a flashback of his lovemaking to me and how we made such a wonderful and beautiful life. He sighed and leaned back into the chair.

  I said nothing. What was I supposed to say, anyway? And he said nothing, either. He simply sa
t there for the next few hours until we all fell asleep.

  My sobbing woke him up in the middle of the night. I had Rose on my left and Charles on my right. I slowly made my way to the end of the bed and placed my shaky feet one by one to the pinewood floor. I didn’t realize that he was awake as I softly went over to Elizabeth’s basinet to give her her feeding.

  Andrew slowly opened his eyes, looked at me quietly, sobbing still, while removing her diapers.

  “Oh, my love…hush now! Mummy is going to be very quick about it.”

  He still struggled with what he was going to say because he was still angry, still hateful of what I had done. Yet, he looked at me considering how different things could have been—how perfect and wonderful.

  “We have to make some kind of arrangements. When you’re well, of course,” Andrew said.

  I was startled but I scooped the baby up into my hand and started walking over to him. He got up, like the gentleman that he always was so that I could have the seat.

  He leaned on the column of the bed while he folded his hands and looked at Elizabeth and me.

  I gently positioned her for her feeding and placed the bottle into her mouth. Andrew looked at me with sadness in his heart and anger in his mind. Yet, he would not say it.

  I didn’t have the strength to say much either, I was weak and not in the mood to consider my misgivings about everything tonight. I coughed twice and breathed in deeply.

  “May I get you something to drink?” Andrew asked.

  I looked up at him while gently rocking back and forth or as hard as I could manage.

  I shook my head.

  “No, thank you…” I looked back down at the baby.

  “There are no arrangements to be made Andrew, you’re Elizabeth’s father. Whenever you would like to see her or would like for her to spend time with you, just…say the word.”

  Usually I was expecting a response…or at least, I would have anticipated it. To be honest, my vigor was being saved for being with my babies. I loved Andrew but tonight I was thinking about my children.

  He walked to the door and opened it and looked back at me.

  “I will be in the guest room. See you in the morning.”

  I smiled at him.

  “I am glad that you came, Andrew.”

  He said nothing but went through the door and slowly closed it behind him. I was not offended that he didn’t respond or wasn’t sleeping with us either, I was just happy that he came.

  ***

  Andrew decided to stay for the following few days and I was glad he did, because I was getting better and feeling stronger.

  I was sitting outside on one of the benches, wrapped in one of my many knitted throws looking at the azaleas blowing in the wind and feeding baby Liz while Vernon was inside making lemonade. I didn’t have much of an appetite now and just wanted something cool to drink this morning.

  I sighed while Vernon was bringing the tray out with the lemonade and empty glasses. He handed me a long glass with ice-cubes and lemon rind. I took a sip and he took the baby from me and sat right across from me.

  “Ahhh…that hit the spot, Vernon. Refreshing, cool, not too sweet, you always knew how to make the most refreshing lemonade in all of Atlanta.” I said

  Vernon positioned the baby over his shoulders as though he had done it a million times before or he was a mother of four.

  “Why you tryin’ to butter me up, Miss Natasha, whatta you want?”

  I looked at him and smile.

  “You are looking mighty fine today though—each day better than the day before,” Vernon said. He looked at me and grinned.

  “So how are things going with you and Andrew?”

  I sighed.

  “Well, I guess, sharing a few pleasantries every now and again is as good as it’s going to get for now.”

  “Well, we just have to thank the Lord that he decided to spend some time with his daughter and that the doctor said that you should be better soon.”

  They heard the front door lock and saw Michael walking in with a few bags that he just brought from his store.

  “Ohh hey, hey, hey, everyone!” Michael exclaimed.

  Michael used his butt to slightly tap Vernon on the shoulder and leaned over looking at Elizabeth.

  “Ohh, Good Lord, she is getting prettier and prettier every day,” Michael said. He kissed her on the cheeks.

  “By the way, she is sucking on that bottle, she soon has to go on a diet like her big sister.”

  “And by the way, I dun told you don’t be coming off the street and just placing your dirty old lips on this little angel. Lord knows where your mouth has been!” Vernon exclaimed.

  Michael stood with one hand by the hip and the bags in the other,

  “Mr. Vernon, for your information, I came directly from my office. I just got these delivered straight from Italy for Tasha. Anyways…how are you Tasha, honey?” Michael said.

  He walked over and kissed me on the cheeks. He placed the bags on the bench beside me and took a floral knitted shawl from one bag.

  “I am better today, honey. Thanks! Where are Andrew and Lauren, by the way? I haven’t seen any of them from morning.”

  Michael stood and placed the shawl around my neck. He looked at Vernon.

  “Isn’t that lovely?” Michael said.

  Vernon took a sip of his lemonade and placed it back onto the table as he looked at Elizabeth sleeping in his hands like an angel.

  “Ohh, Tasha, that’s just lovely, suits your complexion and everything. Oh, Andrew and Lauren went to the gallery together. I am sure they’ll be back soon,” Vernon said.

  “Ohh…OK,” I said.

  I wasn’t suspicious at all hearing that my cousin and the father of my child had gone out to the gallery together. What I was thinking about is that he desired to spend time with someone other than me.

  In the afternoon, I received a call from Brody while I sat in bed watching television.

  “I heard about your illness,” Brody said.

  “Leave it to Mark and Peter huh?” I responded

  “Actually, I don’t know if you realize it or not but, JC News had a meeting with Oscar and decided to hand over all film coverage of you, if…I agreed to give them three hours of an exclusive and candid interview with them. As a matter of fact, it was Mark and Peter that influenced the managers.”

  “Well, I sure didn’t expect that. Tubby has a heart, after all.” I said

  “Tubby?” Brody said while smiling.

  “You surprise me more and more every day, Natasha,” Brody said.

  “Well, Tubby was what I called him when I thought he was a demon but…turns out, he is not so bad. Three hours, huh? What could you possibly discuss for three hours without completely revealing everything about us?”

  “Ohh, there is much more to you than just gossip, Natasha. But don’t worry your little head, I will take care of everything.”

  “Well…thank you, Brody. I appreciate that.”

  “Anything for you…you know this, right?”

  I never answered.

  “Despite whatever it is that you think about me and for what it’s worth, I wanted that baby to be mine because you’re such a wonderful, wonderful mother and woman.”

  I still said nothing except I breathed in deeply.

  “Anyway, I will be in the area sometime next week. I wanted to stop by, but I will call you before I drop by. I know you prefer that,” Brody said.

  “OK Brody, not a problem. And thanks for what you did for me…and take care.”

  I wasn’t in a talking mood. My spirit and my heart were broken. I just wanted my babies to get home from school and Andrew to say hello to me again.

  I quickly fell asleep.

  Andrew and Lauren came in about six hours later. I was still asleep, and they didn’t want to wake either me or the children.

  Lauren went by the back garden, shuffling with some paintbrushes, easel and the old now broken canvas that I had been w
orking on. She stood and laid out all of her tools.

  The light from the moon was oddly bright tonight. Yet, the garden lighting gave enough lighting so that Lauren could see the state of repair that would be needed.

  She held the end of the long tip paintbrush in one hand tapping it unto the side of her face and used it to rub her head now and again, trying to figure out where to begin.

  “What are you doing out here?” Andrew said.

  Lauren jumped and held her chest. She turned around and saw Andrew approaching her in long boxers, a t-shirt, and bed sleepers; his usual night-time comfort apparel.

  “Ohh…please, don’t do that again!” Lauren said giggling, “You know that I hate that!”

  He slowly walked over to her and looked at the canvas.

  “Isn’t this the painting that Natasha had been working on?”

  “Yes…she had a bit of an accident. It fell on the edge of the concrete bench and she fell on it. It has a huge rip but, huh, I think I can restore it, somehow. At least, if I can remember well from one of my classes, I should be able to…” Lauren explained.

  “I still couldn’t understand why it took her so long to finish it,” Andrew said.

  Lauren looked on the broken canvas.

  “Hmm…who knows! Maybe Tasha was waiting on her own life to become clearer to finish it. She always did say that this canvas was like her life being captured in a moment in time. Tasha was always a family person, you know. Always committed to her family and she had an exact idea of what she wanted, but for some reason…she just could not put it all together in painting.”

  Andrew sighed and walked over to the bench and sat.

  Lauren turned and looked at him.

  “So, are you going to speak with Tasha as you said you would?”

  “Hmm…” Andrew breathed deeply, and Lauren walked and sat beside him.

  “No. You promised tonight, remember…?” Lauren said.

  “She needs you right now, Andrew, and she is getting better. What about after that? Don’t you ever see yourself with her again?”

  As Andrew and Lauren spoke outside, the glare from the back-garden window had somehow managed to awaken me. I heard little Lizzie tossing and start crying, so I went over there to see if she needed changing or for me to just hold her.