Perseverance (Disenchanted Book 2)

by L. D. Davis

  “So, let me get this straight,” she said as I jammed items into my suitcase. “You are going to Italy with him, but you two aren’t together?”

  “That’s right.”

  “You two agreed to a holding pattern, to keep things as is for now until after Italy.”

  “Yes,” I said patiently.

  Silence fell, but I knew it would not last, and I was right. A minute later, she was back at it. “Whose idea was it to put your relationship on hold?”

  I shrugged. “It was a mutual thing. I recommended it, and he agreed.”

  “Because you don’t want to really be with him.”

  I glanced up at her and caught her shaking her head as if she didn’t understand me or my choices. I didn’t want to fight with my sister the day after her wedding, but I could feel one brewing, and it wouldn’t end well for either of us.

  “What is wrong with you, Lydia? He loves you and all you’ve done is treat him like shit and push him away. I know you lost Gavin, but you’re not acting like a grieving widow. You’re acting like an asshole.”

  I held in my own temper by taking a deep breath before answering in a low voice. “As usual, you don’t know all the details, but okay. I’m an asshole.”

  “I don’t get it. I really don’t, Lyd. What the hell is wrong with you?” she asked again. “You had a modern fairytale life before Gavin died, and now someone is offering that to you again and you don’t want it.”

  “Fairytale life?” I gasped on a cynical bark of laughter. “A fairytale life? Is that what you think I had?”

  She glared at me. “Of course it was. You were so enamored with him as a kid. Don’t think I don’t remember how you crushed on him for years. He always looked out for you, coddled you. When you got older and started to date, I thought he was just playing the role of a protective big brother, but later I realized it was something else altogether. I was always in the way, wasn’t I?” she asked bitterly. “As soon as I was out of sight, I was out of mind apparently. You two wanted each other so badly that you forgot about my pain and what I was going through, or you used it to your advantage and finally got what you wanted. Maybe I would’ve believed Gavin when he told me you two never meant for it to happen, that it had been a mistake, and that he wanted me. I would have believed him if he wouldn’t have married you months later. So, yeah, a modern fairytale, Lydia. A real page turner. I saw your happy little family photos and Christmas cards, even when I didn’t want to. You got what you had always wanted. You got Gavin. You got to be happy. So, it blows my fucking mind that you don’t want that again, by doing it the right way.”

  I realized as I stared at my sister, with her arms crossed and a sneer on her pretty face, she had never forgiven me. Not that I had expected it, but we’d reconnected almost a year ago. We had hugged and cried together. She had been sorry for missing so much of the kids’ lives, and I had been just…sorry, but not once had she said she’d forgiven me. I had believed that since she was happy with Kyle that she’d finally been able to let go of the past, but I’d been wrong. Clearly, she still clung to it, or maybe it clung to her, like mold. It was also pretty clear that part of her still hated me. Maybe it wasn’t something she recognized consciously, but I had a feeling that subconsciously her hate for me ran deep. I didn’t blame her, but it cut through me just the same.

  I never did respond well to pain…

  I stared at her, my gaze cool. “Are those the stories you tell yourself to fan your righteous flames of indignation?”

  Lily reeled back, surprised and incensed. “Don’t try to make me look like the bad guy here. You’re the one who—”

  I cut her off, my tone biting. “Yes. I am the one who fucked your fiancé, married him, and then had his children. You remind me all the damn time with your little comments, or tossing the help you gave us in my face. You wouldn’t allow me to thank you for it before, but you had no problem bringing it up in your tirade in the car the other day.”

  “I was only—”

  “You were only what? Letting me know how deserving you are and how undeserving I am? How much more you’re owed because you worked so hard while I was, ‘playing house with Gavin’ as you put it? Fuck you. And fuck your generosity, too. You were oh so generous and gracious by allowing me back into your life. Oh, so gracious and generous for allowing me into your home where you can slap me in the face with the past whenever you want. Where the fuck was your grace when I was barely hanging on in the hospital and Gavin was dead and my kids were brokenhearted and terrified? Where the fuck was your humble generosity to Shawna and Cliff and my kids when they had to bury the man you supposedly had once loved so much? You couldn’t even forgive him in death. I don’t know why I ever believed that you could forgive me in life. I know I was wrong, but I’ve paid enough for it. Gavin paid with his fucking life. I don’t need any more of your bullshit and your little ways to poke at me for the past. You just married someone you love and loves you back, who would do anything for you. You have your precious little baby girl and your dream job. Your husband built you a whole fucking diner! You have everything you ever wanted and more, and still you harbor your disgust for me. That’s really fucking sad. I feel bad for you.”

  Her voice shook with contempt. “I don’t need your fucking pity, you fucking bitch.”

  I turned away from her to close and retrieve my suitcase, but not before I saw her trembling chin, her narrowed, teary eyes, and the angry slant of her brows.

  “Is everything okay in here?”

  Marco entered the room just as I turned back. His emotions and thoughts were unreadable on his straight face, but he must have heard at least part of what I’d said, if not all of it. His gaze swung between Lily and me, but she would not look at him. She stayed where she was, staring straight ahead as she tried to contain her emotions. Her stillness reminded me of Marco’s stillness the night before. My words had the ability to do that to two of the strongest willed people I knew, and I didn’t feel good about it.

  My composure amazed me, though. I wasn’t raging, or sobbing, or both—at least, not yet. Maybe it was because I’d finally said everything that I’d thought and felt for months, or even years. Maybe it was because my adrenaline was rushing through my body and temporarily pressed my hormones into submission. Either way, I was going to ride the wave as long as I could before it all hit me at once, hopefully not over the Atlantic Ocean.

  “Everything’s perfect,” I said to Marco. “Can you take this and a couple of the other pieces of luggage by the living room door down? I can take the rest.”

  He reached for the suitcase while he continued to eye both me and my sister. I saw the questions forming on his face, but he seemed to understand that this was between Lily and me, and that he had no part in it. He was her friend and my…whatever…but still, it was none of his business.

  “Okay,” Marco said quietly. “I’ll take this down. Bye, Lily.”

  He kissed her cheek, and although she couldn’t find a smile for him, she reached out and squeezed his hand.

  “Give your brother our love,” she managed to say in a hoarse voice. “Let Kyle and me know if you need anything.”

  “Grazie, amica mia.”

  He held her hand for a couple seconds more and left the room, but not before giving me another unreadable glance. I should have followed him out, but there was one more thing I needed to address. I started toward the door but stopped right beside my sister, so close that our shoulders brushed together. Judging by the way she looked at me, she wanted to slap the shit out of me, and I knew her well enough to know she wasn’t far from doing so.

  “You think I had a fairytale life. How’s this for a fairy tale? My husband—my husband’s last words to me were ‘Tell Lily I love her.’ You lost a lot, but you never lost Gavin’s love and affection, and I was reminded of that every damn day until he died. My ‘fairy tale’ was nothing but a competition. Congratulations. You fucking won.”

  I walked away from her, and wh
en I heard a strangled sob, my steps did not falter. I did not look back.

  Chapter Twenty-Six

  “Do you want to talk about it?” Marco asked.

  We had been silent inside his car since our departure. I wasn’t even sure how many minutes had passed.

  “No.”

  My emotions were still too raw from the confrontation with Lily for me to talk about it, and I wasn’t really sure I wanted to discuss it with him.

  He treaded carefully with another question. “Are you okay?”

  “Perfect. What are we doing?”

  For the first time since we left the penthouse, I paid attention to our surroundings. I wasn’t an expert on the layout of Philadelphia, but I didn’t think we were anywhere near his apartment. We were parked outside a large, busy mall.

  “When you packed to come here, I don’t believe you packed for an international trip. We will get you and the children more clothes and other necessities.”

  I looked at him skeptically, but he held up his hands to stop me from talking and spoke in a quiet and placating tone.

  “You can pick out all the clothes. You can choose everything if you like, and I’ll just pay. I am not trying to change you or the kids. I only want you to have everything you might need for the trip, and I want to pay for it since you’re doing me such a tremendous favor by coming with me.”

  I released a breath and sat back in my seat. “It’s not a favor, Marco. It’s…it’s just the right thing to do for someone I care about.”

  He stared at me silently for a moment. “Is that all I am now? Just someone you care about and nothing more?”

  It wasn’t a challenge or said with any malicious intent, but there was sadness in his voice and in his eyes.

  I stared back at him for a moment before I shrugged. “I don’t know. Like you said, we won’t make any decisions right now. There are more important things to focus on.”

  After a few seconds, he nodded his agreement before taking my hand into his. He kissed the back of my hand, leaving his lips in place for a long moment before he released me and got out of the car.

  For two to three hours, we strolled through several stores. To my surprise, he readily agreed to go to whatever store I wanted, even though none of them were any of the designer department stores or popular boutiques people with money—or people who pretended to have a lot of money—shopped at. I wasn’t the best of company, quiet and sullen. It didn’t help that I was nauseous either, but at least I didn’t have to go into a corner to vomit. Marco was patient and sweet, and didn’t push me to talk, but then he was just as distracted as me, his worry for his brother surrounding him like a cloud.

  We stopped for a quick lunch inside one of the mall restaurants before we headed to the hotel my mom and in-laws were staying in to get the kids. Our flight wasn’t until tomorrow night, but we would be heading up to his Manhattan apartment in a couple hours so Marco could spend some time in his office during the day before we left.

  The kids had stayed with their grandparents last night, thankfully. I had spent the night with Marco—well, in his apartment, in separate beds. We found everyone in Mom and Wes’s suite. It was kind of crowded and chaotic with all the kids, plus four—now six—adults. There was some small talk about the trip and more words of encouragement and kindness for Marco and Massimo, but my mom didn’t say much. I knew almost immediately that she had spoken to my sister just by the way she kept looking at me as if I were in trouble for something, as if I were ten years old again. When she quietly asked to speak to me in the privacy of one of the bedrooms, I knew it was not going to end well.

  “I talked to your sister. She was really upset, and it was hard to get the details, but I didn’t like the little bit I heard. Your timing to start a fight was selfish. She just got married last night, and she’s a new mom.”

  I rolled my eyes and shook my head. “Mom, you weren’t there. Don’t get in the middle of it, and don’t take sides.”

  “I’m not taking sides, but you shouldn’t have said what you said to her.”

  “What I said to her?” I laughed cynically. “What about all she has said to me? I guess you never paid much attention to her snide little comments about me and my history with Gavin, right?”

  Mom paused a moment before cautiously proceeding. “I’ll admit that your sister probably still harbors some hard feelings for the past, but let’s be honest here, Lydia. While you and Gavin were happily turning your fixer-upper into a home, Lily was suffering. You weren’t there. You didn’t see how bad it was. It took a long time for her to get better. You had the life she’d wanted, with the man she was supposed to have it with. That’s not something someone can just get over.” She shook her head slowly and quietly repeated, “You weren’t there. You don’t know.”

  I was hurt by her assumptions, but not surprised, sadly.

  “No. I wasn’t there. Maybe I’ll never really know how bad it got for her, but you and Lily have the same delusions that my life was perfect. Just listen to yourself, Mom. Happily turning my fixer-upper into a home? I had the life she wanted, and the man she was supposed to have? It’s bullshit. You two sound just the fucking like.”

  There was doubt written across her face. “I’ve never been married, but I am sure you and Gavin had your ups and downs like anyone else. Marriage isn’t easy, but you had a much easier time than Lily.”

  “Stop doing that!” I shouted, making her flinch. “Stop pretending that you knew what my life was like with Gavin. You said I wasn’t there to see Lily, but you weren’t there for me. You were never there for me in any capacity.”

  Her eyes widened. “What are you talking about? I gave up my job and the life I had here in Philly, and left your sister behind, so I could be there for you and the kids.”

  “Thanks a fucking lot for showing up just in time for Gavin to die. Where were you all the years before? You may have left Lily in Philly to be in Ohio with us, but you were still with her. You talked to her all the time. Before the accident, when you talked to me, it was like a chore for you.”

  She sighed and looked at me with exasperation. “That’s not true, Lydia.”

  “Yes, it is.” My voice cracked, and then broke. “You couldn’t even look at me after you found out what had happened. You were so ashamed of me and hated me for what Lily had done to herself.”

  Mom’s voice and face softened, and her eyes widened. “I was not ashamed of you, and I’ve never hated you.”

  “You did,” I insisted. “You weren’t there for me, Mom. Not when I was pregnant and terrified, not when I was a new mom and afraid of every little cough. You weren’t there for me for any of it. You had distanced yourself so much from me, I couldn’t just pick up the phone and call you when I needed you, and I needed you a lot.”

  She started to talk but didn’t seem to know what to say at first. “I’m sorry you felt I wasn’t there for you, but at least you had Gavin. Lily didn’t have anyone but me.”

  “I didn’t have Gavin!” I said each word with such force that it hurt my tongue. “Gavin didn’t love me. I spent years in a marriage with a man who wished I was my sister.”

  My mother seemed startled by that, but she tried to recover, tried to sound soothing. “I’m sure that wasn’t true, Lydia.”

  I shook my head in disbelief. “You still don’t believe me. You’re still taking her side.”

  “I’m not taking sides,” she tried to say, but I shook my head faster until she stopped.

  I took several deep breaths and tried to gain a semblance of control over my tears and emotions. When I was somewhat calmer, I spoke very quietly to my mom.

  “I have two daughters, too. I don’t think there is anything in the world that could make me love one any less than the other. I’m not a perfect parent, but I will try my hardest to love all three of my children equally. I will do everything I can to make sure they know I love them all equally. I won’t desert them, any of them, even if that means I have to split myself in t
hree to be there for them.” I sniffled and wiped my nose with my jacket sleeve. “You didn’t ask me if I was okay when I got here. You didn’t want to know what happened, or what led to my fight with Lily. You had already passed your judgment without all the facts before I walked through that door.”

  There were tears in her eyes, and she bit on her bottom lip to stop herself from crying. She seemed not to know what to say or how to say it, but it didn’t matter. I was finished talking. I turned partially away from her. Despite the tears that still flooded my eyes, my voice came out cold.

  “I have a lot to do. I’m leaving.”

  “Lydia,” she started, but I whirled on her.

  “Leave me the fuck alone. You and Lily both can go to hell.”

  Her tears fell then, but I turned my back on her and blindly left the room. I came to a halt when I realized the living space was empty except for Wes.

  “When it started to get loud in there, everyone walked down to the car with Marco,” he said.

  I brushed the wetness off my cheeks and nodded. “Okay. Thanks.”

  He stood with his hands in his pockets, his stance casual. I thought he might have something to say on his girlfriend’s behalf, but thankfully, he didn’t say anything other than, “Have a safe trip.”

  After a kind, fatherly sort of kiss to my cheek, he went to tend to my mom, who I could hear crying from the other room.

  All my life, I’d only seen my mom cry twice, maybe three times. To be the one responsible for making her cry this time made me feel horrible and guilty, but I also knew that she’d needed to hear how she had made me feel all these years. I could have said a lot less. I could have left off the last part, but I couldn’t unsay the words, and to be honest, I didn’t feel much like apologizing at the moment. We both needed some time. So, I left the hotel room, leaving my relationship with my mother in limbo.

  Chapter Twenty-Seven