by Lilah Rivers
“On the way back, yes. But we did not eat anything there. We brought it home,” she said, showing him the little bag she had.
“Oh, really? I have ever known Justine to go and not eat the whole shop,” he laughed.
“I think we were both still so full from the soup that it was not even an option,” she said with a shrug and a smile.
And, once more, he was somewhat at a loss for what to say.
“America is truly starting to grow on me,” she offered, as if sensing the very same thing.
“Really? You do like it here?” he asked.
“You sound surprised. Have I not said that I am happy here?” she asked.
“You have said it, but I guess I didn’t know if I should believe you or not. I don’t want you to feel like you have to see the good things here when there might be things that are difficult for you,” he said.
“Well, I am doing very well, adjusting and acclimatizing to this life. It takes a lot of energy some days, but I really do appreciate this life,” she replied.
Amos was glad to hear that. He had been worried that she might be lying and trying to spare their feelings. Then again, Gemma was not the sort of woman who was going to go easy on a situation that made her unhappy.
He was beginning to learn how to decipher her polite responses from the truth. It had not been easy to do, but he was working on it.
“Is there anything that we can do that would make you feel happier here?” he asked.
“Nothing that I can think of. You and Justine are doing so much for me. I really am humbled by it,” she told him.
“I’m glad to hear that. I mean, I’m glad that you are happy enough and that you feel like you are being taken care of. We really do want you to have all the happiness in the world here,” he said.
“America is a very bright place. I have been surprised by the way people here speak with such politeness to one another. And the fact that classes mean a great deal less,” she said.
“Well, not in all parts. There are still areas where that is an issue. But Justine and I think it is pointless to try and prove ourselves. Why do we care the class of those with whom we spend our time? The Lord over the poor is the same Lord over the rich,” Amos said.
Gemma smiled tenderly.
“I wish we thought of it that way in England. I fear that I have never been of that mindset and I must have missed out on a great deal of wonderful friendships because of it,” she said.
“Yes, that’s true. You know, we don’t like to flaunt what we have. Not many people have this much or as much as we keep squirreled away. Not only that, but I’ve even just started a new savings for you and me for the future,” he said.
“Really?” she asked.
“Yeah. I figured it was a good idea. But what I mean to say is that everything we have here? It’s temporary. Why should we show it off when it’s just going to go away within a few years anyway?” he asked.
“That is a very good point,” Gemma said. “But what about the next generation? Do Americans not mind what their children live like?”
“Oh, of course we do! Everyone tries to do what they can to ensure that their children live a good life. We all want them to be provided for. But that isn’t going to change the fact that our wealth here on earth isn’t going to Heaven with us. And isn’t it better that we teach our children about the Lord than about money?” he offered.
Gemma nodded.
“I guess that is another thing that we do not think about very much back home,” she said.
Home. She still thought of England as her home. Amos knew that it would take a very long time for her to feel any differently, but he still wished that he could make this a home for her for now.
“England will always be home, won’t it?” he asked.
“I don’t think that can ever change,” she replied, sadly.
“Tell me, do you miss it very much?” he asked.
Gemma looked at him with those large, green eyes. He saw that they were pooling with tears and wished that he could take the question back.
But it was too late. The dam was breaking, and Gemma could not hold them back any longer.
It was so slow, but then so rapid as her face fell into her hands and she began to weep.
Chapter 15
Gemma tried to gather her emotions. She could not believe that she had just broken down like that in front of her husband. Of course, her husband was a man that she did not know.
If she had broken down in front of a husband that she knew well, someone who she had a long friendship with, the situation might feel very different.
And yet perhaps, that was the very thing that surprised her. She was more comfortable then she would have expected to be. For some strange reason, she was not as humiliated as she thought she would be.
Amos was sitting quietly and with concern. She tried to calm herself enough that she might be able to explain to him what exactly was going on in her thoughts. But it was still embarrassing. She was still humiliated that she had managed to be so vulnerable.
It was strangely comforting, however. Gemma was surprised that she was not even more embarrassed than this. Crying in front of him was not such a humiliation as she would have expected.
There was something about Amos that brought her comfort. There was something about him that she did not mind sharing her grief with. He was so gentle and kind that she began to think there was no one better to handle them.
“I am so sorry,” she said through her sobs.
“Why? Why are you sorry?” he asked.
“I am making such a fool of myself,” she said, trying to catch her breath.
Amos handed her a handkerchief and she took it gently, trying to delicately wipe her nose and her eyes with different corners.
“You are not making a fool of yourself. It’s okay to cry and to be upset. I asked if you miss the place that you call home. I shouldn’t have expected anything different,” he said.
Gemma nodded, unable to say much more for the moment. She tried to get through the emotion, but it was very difficult.
How could she explain to him what it felt like to leave the only place that she had ever known? How could she explain that she had left her mother and father without even telling them where she was going and now she worried that they might think she was dead?
It was impossible to explain every layer of feeling that she had. There was so much going on in her heart and in her mind that could not be easily contained.
“Don’t worry, Gemma. You’re going to be okay,” he said.
“I don’t know if that’s true,” she said.
“Why do you say that?” he asked.
“Because I have made so many mistakes in coming here,” she replied.
Amos looked hurt and she knew that she had to properly explain.
“I mean, I am very happy here. That’s not what I meant. But the way in which I came,” she said, sniffing. “The way in which I came was wrong.”
“How so?” he asked.
“You know. I never told my parents. I simply vanished,” she said.
Amos nodded in understanding then.
“Yeah, I’ll admit that it sounds like a pretty rough thing,” he said.
“It was. I cannot fathom how much I must have hurt them by doing so. I wish that I could take it all back, that I could return to England and make things right with them,” she said.
“Can you write to them?” he asked.
“I cannot. If I do that, they will be so angry at me for having left. I can only think that they would come here and drag me back to England and make me marry Lord Linton anyway,” she said.
“They would do that?” he asked.
“I know that they would. They would not tell anyone that I had been married here and they would force me into silence as well. I am sure that they have already told everyone that I have gone to stay with a relative abroad for a while before my marriage,” she said.
“Why would they
do that?” Amos asked.
“Anything to save our reputations. Theirs and mine. I am less valuable for them if my reputation is ruined, so they cannot say that I ran off on my own or that I was married,” she explained.
“But they would lie so freely about something that big?” he asked.
“With ease. They would hardly mind at all,” she said.
Amos looked upset about that.
“I know that I told a big lie, so I don’t mean to be a hypocrite. But that is terrible that they would do that. All in order to get you married off to someone that you don’t want to marry anyway,” he said.
“It really is dreadful. And I don’t see you as being a hypocrite. We all make mistakes. Yes, yours was a big one, but it turned out well enough for us both in the end,” Gemma said, her emotions calming when she thought of that.
“Yeah, I suppose that it did. The Lord did something pretty good for us,” he said.
“Indeed,” she replied.
“But whatever is going to happen, I don’t want you to feel like you have to suffer. I know that you’re homesick and that’s understandable. But if you can’t write to them, then what do you think you can do?” Amos asked.
“I don’t know. I wish that I had an answer,” she replied.
“You can’t even write to them without saying where you are?” he asked.
Gemma considered it. It was certainly possible. At least they would know that she was alive.
“Maybe. I will think about it. I’m not sure exactly what the right thing to say would be, but I’m sure there is something. Maybe just to tell them that I am alive but could not subject myself to marrying Lord Linton and that I had to get away because they would not believe me,” she said.
“I think that would sum up enough of it,” Amos said.
Gemma shrugged.
“Maybe. I shall consider it,” she said again, really trying to think about whether or not it was the right move.
“Anyway, there is a great deal else for us to think about. I should not have been lost to my emotions like that,” Gemma said.
“I don’t mind. There is a lot that you have been through and I understand that you are struggling,” Amos said.
“Still, I am ashamed that I behaved so openly with my tears,” she said.
Amos looked at her as if that was a silly thing to say.
“I am your husband. I know that maybe it doesn’t mean much now. I know that we aren’t really in love or anything and we have only just started to get to know each other. But that doesn’t change the fact that I’m your husband and I want to see you happy,” Amos said.
Gemma was quite humbled, but she didn’t know what to say. Amos was far too kind to her. He was sensitive and gracious even when she was not deserving of those things. She wondered how she had ever managed to end up with a husband who would treat her like this. She didn’t feel that she deserved it in the least.
“You are far too kind,” she said.
“I’m really not. It’s not kindness. I just know that you deserve to be as happy as anyone and there’s no reason that I should make you feel bad for the fact that you are going through a lot,” he said.
Gemma very nearly began to laugh. She had never been so cared for before. It was strange because he was right, they were not in love. And yet, no one had ever shown Gemma the kind of love that Amos was showing her. No one had ever been so good to her.
“I’m sorry. I don’t know what else to say or do to cheer you up. I know it’s probably difficult no matter what I say or do,” he recognized.
“You have said all that I could have wanted you to say. Honestly, I don’t really know what the future is going to look like for me, but I do know that there will be times in life when I am happy and times when I am not. I am just glad that you are so kind during the times when I am not,” Gemma said.
“I promise that I will always try to be,” he said.
They were interrupted by the sound of a knock at the door and Amos’s head shot up.
“Hmm, I’m not sure who that could be,” he said.
Gemma sat patiently as he went and answered the door. She heard the sound of his voice and another before he started walking back and his footsteps were closer.
“It was a someone dropping off a delivery for you,” Amos said, his voice not overly happy.
Gemma looked up at him and her jaw dropped.
In his hands, Amos held a bouquet of roses.
Gemma’s blood ran cold. It had been a long time since she had seen a bouquet of roses left for her. It was clear that Amos was uncomfortable with the fact that he was receiving them, but he did not know the source. She imagined that she was only uncomfortable because she was his wife and there was no reason for her to receive flowers from someone else.
But Gemma had the worst feeling. For her, this was no near stranger. In fact, it had been a few months since she had received a bouquet. As Amos handed it to her, this was all she could think about.
But there it was. The signature.
An Anonymous Admirer.
“Everything okay?” Amos asked, still sounding unhappy. And why shouldn’t he be?
Gemma swallowed and nodded too quickly.
“Oh, um…I’m sure everything is fine,” she said.
“Do you know who those are form?” he asked.
“Must be one of the other girls who came over from England,” she said. “A joke.”
But Gemma was terrified.
She set the flowers down and stood.
“I think I am going to head to bed. I am tired as well. Justine had the right idea and we did a lot today,” she said.
She felt the eyes of Amos watching her, but he said nothing.
Gemma left the room as quickly as she could without fleeing and made her way up the stairs to her bedroom where she shut the door behind herself and locked it as well.
Her heart raced and she could not escape the fear that ran through her veins.
It wasn’t possible. This had to be some joke. Maybe Miss Collins wanted to put their marriage to a test and had sent the flowers as a way of making them prove to one another that they wanted to be married regardless of suspicion.
Maybe it really was one of the other girls who wanted to harm her. Maybe even a girl who knew something of her past. Or someone who simply disliked her and wanted Amos to think ill of her.
She could not fathom what it was that had caused these flowers to be sent, but Gemma had to believe that it was not the thing that she feared.
It was impossible.
No one knew that she had come here. No one knew that she had left England for America and was now married to Amos. There was no reason for anyone to think otherwise and she had to be reasonable.
