by Lilah Rivers
Gemma could hardly believe the openness with which Justine spoke. Was it possible that Amos really did care for her that much? Was he as free about his feelings with Justine that he would just tell her that or was it really only through body language and whatnot that she knew her brother?
“So, what makes you think that he likes me? What signs has he shown? Has he said anything?” she asked.
“He doesn’t need to say a word. I know him well. And believe me, the way that he looks at you is enough to tell me that Amos is smitten,” Justine said.
Gemma could still hardly believe it, but it made her heart begin to pound in a good way. Certainly not like the fear that it had held the night before.
“So, what about it? What does that mean, do you think?” she asked Justine.
“I guess that’s up to you what it means. What do you think of him? Is he someone that you want to be loved by or are you just happy to be married and in America?” Justine asked.
Gemma thought for a moment.
On the one hand, she really hadn’t intended to find a match made out of love. her only goal had been to get away from England, away from her mother and father and, of course, away from Lord Linton.
Beyond that, did she have any reason to hope?
Gemma tried to discern the other feelings she had been trying to deny.
It was possible that she was starting to care for him. In fact, she knew that she was. Amos was a good man and she had already acknowledged to herself that he treated her with such a wonderful and beautiful delicateness that she had never had from even her parents.
But did that mean that she loved him?
No. She didn’t love him, but she was beginning to feel an affection that warmed her heart.
“I-I suppose I may confess that he has been a surprise to me. I did not think that I would like him, but I do. Is that strange?” Gemma asked.
“Why would it be strange? He is a great man to be sure and you have every reason to have an affection for him. Do you love him?” Justine asked.
Gemma shook her head quickly.
“No, I cannot say that I do. But that does not mean that I never will. I suppose I do not yet know him well enough to make a real decision on that matter,” Gemma said.
“I understand. I mean, I fell in love with Daniel pretty quickly, but I know that a lot of other people take more time to fall in love,” Justine said.
“Yes, I think that is the thing. I don’t expect to fall in love quickly. As much as I wish that I could, it is just not something that comes easily for me,” Gemma said.
“That’s probably a good thing. I knew a young lady who fell in love with near every man that she ever met. I can’t imagine how hard it was for her once she was married because she still found herself always falling in love,” Justine said with a chuckle.
“That sounds positively miserable,” Gemma said.
“I thought so too. Can you imagine? Just letting your heart run away with you like that? Loving on a whole lot of different men all the time?” Justine asked, scoffing.
“Well, I have never been in love, but no one has ever treated me so well as Amos has,” Gemma said.
“I’m not totally surprised to hear that. He treats everybody so well that it’s hard to think of anyone not being treated well by him. I don’t think I’ve known many men who are as soft and kind-hearted. Aside from Daniel, of course. He’s as lovely as they come,” Justine said.
“I’m glad that you have someone who makes you so happy. Maybe, if I do fall in love, you can help me to know that it is, indeed, love,” Gemma said.
“When it’s love, you won’t need me to explain it. You’ll just know. Nobody can tell you that you’ve fallen in love because it’s just something that happens and your heart swells and it is as though everything is coming together in the best way,” Justine said.
“My heart is far from swollen,” Gemma said with disappointment.
“That’s all right. I won’t go telling my brother that, but I understand,” Justine said with a shrug.
Gemma wondered if she would ever really love Amos or if she would simply live in the contentment of being his wife. She didn’t know which she preferred. Love sounded frightening in many ways.
“Hey, I was wondering. I saw those flowers last night. Do you know who they were from? They’re gone this morning,” Justine said.
Gemma’s pulse began to race at being asked about the roses. She wasn’t sure what to say or how she could possibly tell Justine when she had not yet told Amos.
“It’s nothing,” she said.
Justine looked at her with a mild frustration.
“You know, that’s exactly what Amos said. Are you two trying to keep something from me?” she asked, sounding hurt.
“No, it’s not like that. But, listen, I would simply rather not discuss it at the moment,” Gemma said, sounding rather haughty. It felt as though she was reverting to her old self when she had been confident enough to share her thoughts and tell others to leave her alone.
But Justine still looked hurt. Like she had expected more honesty from Gemma.
“Well, then, I guess it’s not for me to know. You can keep your secrets and all that. Anyway, I’m going to go and try to take care of some things,” Justine said.
Gemma could see that she had absolutely ruined her time with Justine and had caused her to feel rather disappointed, but Gemma didn’t know what else to do. She was so frightened and she didn’t want to tell anyone yet.
She did not wish to admit that she was terrified that Lord Linton might be around.
The man was so aggressive, particularly when it came to young ladies. If he had tracked her down, if he was so obsessed with Gemma that he might have followed her here, what would he do next?
Once more, Gemma tried to remind herself that he could not have found her. It wasn’t possible.
But if he had, if Lord Linton really was around and he had managed to learn where Gemma was at, everything that she had been holding onto might be about to fall apart.
She might lose everything that she wanted, everything that she had needed.
Gemma took a deep breath, feeling bad that she had been so rude to Justine, who was just asking a simple question.
She wouldn’t allow herself to behave that way again towards her friend or her husband. She would get herself together well enough that she could be kind in how she responded to them.
Gemma went to the window, looking outside with hope. But when she glanced down, she saw the roses there, lying in the dust.
Amos must have thrown them out after she had gone to bed. She wondered if he thought badly about her for them.
Eventually, Gemma knew, she would have to explain.
Chapter 18
Amos leaned back in the chair where he and Daniel were sitting, outside and enjoying the air and a meal.
“I can’t believe that someone related to you could be so beautiful,” Daniel teased.
“Oh, hush it. My sister’s as average as they come,” Amos replied, the joke in his voice.
“I can’t believe that I get to marry her so soon. Are you ready to have that big ole’ house to just you and Gemma?” Daniel asked.
Amos tried to stay optimistic.
“I suppose,” he said.
“You don’t sound all that happy,” Daniel said.
“No, it’s not that. I really like her, actually. She’s beautiful and brash and all sorts of things that I don’t think I would have found in a woman here,” Amos said.
“So even though it wasn’t love that brought the two of you together, you think she really is pretty wonderful?” Daniel asked.
“I do, indeed. She really is swell,” he said. Amos didn’t know how else to put it and figured that this was enough to give Daniel a sense of it.
“How are things between the two of you? Do you think she’s happy? Do you think that you could ever love her?” Daniel asked further.
Amos was quiet for a while. He
didn’t really know what all he should say about things. There was a lot to consider and nothing was simple when it came to his marriage to Gemma.
He thought about the fact that he really was starting to love her, but that he didn’t know exactly what that meant for them. It was going to be tough, falling in love with her and knowing that she wasn’t in love with him in return.
He didn’t want to experience that but felt that if things continued moving the way that they were, he wouldn’t really have much of a choice. He was starting to care for her as more than just the agreed upon affection but there was nothing that he could do to convince her to love him back. Something like that was clearly impossible.
“Well, things are all right, I guess,” he said, thinking it was the simplest answer.
“All right? You guess? I don’t like that reply,” Daniel said.
“There is a lot to think through about it all. I mean, to be honest with you, I’m really growing pretty fond of her. I think I really do like her and might even be starting to love her,” he said.
“But, that’s great news!” Daniel said. “I’m glad to hear that you are feeling that way. Oh, isn’t love the best? I don’t know why you are acting so strange about it. You should be happy to be in love.”
“Well, not if she doesn’t love me in return,” Amos said.
“Okay, fair enough. You don’t know that she doesn’t love you, but I understand that you want to be cautious. Being in love can change everything, but it can also make like a heck of a lot more confusing at times. I think that you will be happy though,” Daniel replied.
“But it’s not just that, anyway. It’s not just the issue of whether or not she loves me and if I love her. There is a lot more to it than that,” he said.
“Then what is it? What else is bothering you” Daniel asked.
“I feel like she’s hiding something. I know it sounds crazy, and I know that I shouldn’t be surprised. We hardly know each other. But I do think that she’s hiding something,” he said.
“Hiding something? What would she be hiding? Has she told you much about her past and what brought her to America?” Daniel asked.
“Yes, she has. She was finally open about that, much to my surprise,” he said.
“Then what is it?” Daniel asked, obviously not comprehending the problem.
“I think there’s something else. Something more. I don’t know how to explain it, but I feel like she is still keeping something a secret. It’s making me anxious because I want to feel free in my home and with my wife,” Amos said.
He still had the image of the roses at the forefront of his thoughts, but he tried to push them aside and think about other things that he had noted in Gemma, things that would bring him peace rather than suspicion.
“More than likely, you are probably just sensing the nerves that she has at being in a new place. This isn’t her home, remember? She has got to be terribly anxious and she probably just needs you to be the calm one,” Daniel said, rather nonchalantly.
Amos had been trying to think of it like that as well, but then there were the flowers. That was when he had gone from believing that she had told him everything to suddenly wondering.
Gemma had been so strange and suspicious when the roses came and he couldn’t help but be annoyed and upset about it. She could have told him then and there what she thought about the roses, but instead, she was acting all strange and then ran up to her room to hide away. How could he not find it strange? Of course he was uncomfortable with it.
“Well, I don’t know, Daniel,” he said. “I don’t know if I’m overreacting or if there is something else going on, but I can tell that we don’t have quite the peace at home that I long for us to have.”
“I’m sorry. I wish I had a bit of advice for you, but I don’t know what you want me to say. It sounds to me like everything is about as normal as it could be under the strange circumstances,” Daniel said.
He could have told Daniel about the roses, but he didn’t want his friend thinking ill of Gemma. If Daniel started to suspect that she might have another man out there that she was interested in, it would reflect really bad on her reputation.
England wasn’t the only place where reputations mattered and Amos didn’t want Gemma’s to suffer here, with his friends.
He started to try and explain but dropped it.
“I guess, you’re probably right,” he said.
Amos was worried and knew that he couldn’t push past that, even with the prayer that he had prayed, he was still struggling to trust God.
“I want you to have hope,” Daniel said. “You don’t always have to be worried that she is going to run away and head back to England.”
Amos knew that this was positively the last thing that Gemma would ever do, but he appreciated Daniel’s attempts to bring him hope and peace.
He wanted to be hopeful and the budding love in his heart was leading him towards that. But he still couldn’t quite wrap his thoughts around the fact that there were so many unknowns.
“Anyway, you look like nothing at all is going to make you feel any better. What do you say we enjoy this lunch and then go for a walk?” Daniel offered.
Amos agreed and once they finished, they went out for their walk.
It was a hot day and they would certainly be sweating by the end, but Amos had seen far worse.
“You know,” he said, “I think I should just head back to work.”
“What? I thought you had more time before you needed to get back,” Daniel said.
“I do, but it’s hot and I’m a bit tired. I want to just get some things done and then head home,” Amos said.
Daniel looked disappointed but understanding.
“Well, all right then,” he said.
“Oh, but one more thing,” Amos remembered.
“What is it?” Daniel asked.
“Justine and I were talking last night and we decided that we need to spend some time reading the Bible together and praying a few times a week. You, me, Justine, and Gemma. What do you say?” he asked.
“I say that sounds like a perfect idea. Not only that, but it sounds like an idea that would come from the Thompsons,” he said.
Amos knew that it was a compliment and took it as one. He was glad that he was able to have a reputation as someone who would want to spend time with the Bible and with the Lord.
“All right then. We will let you know when we plan to begin,” Amos said.
With that, he and Daniel parted ways.
Amos started to walk back to the bank, but his mind was still full from the conversation at lunch. They had talked a lot about Justine and Daniel getting married and the happiness that they felt.
The wedding was going to be beautiful and he was happy for them.
But Amos also wanted to be happy. He wanted to feel the same joy that he saw them experiencing and he didn’t know what he would have to do in order to find it.
It was difficult to think that he might never have real happiness with his wife. And although he trusted that the day would come when they would have that, he wondered when it was going to be and if Gemma even had a hope for it.
